Well, at least I think I’m funny.

Here is a list of things you might have forgotten about:

1. Magic the Gathering - remember that kid in high school? Sure ya do. He was chubby and had pimples and glasses, undoubtedly could be relied on for genius as well as entertainment at lunch (due to his lack of coordination), and most likely played clarinet or french horn in band. Well he also loved Magic the Gathering. This card game featuring medieval beasts, spells and heroes was all the rage for those kids for whom high school life was trite and unimportant. A bastion of hope in nerd-dom, this game allowed even the scrawniest of Learning Enrichment kids hours of entertainment from actual game play, to deck-making, to trading/stealing cards from your friends/enemies (respectively)…did I mention I played Magic? Don’t worry I wasn’t a freak about it - I only played it to take a break from Dungeons and Dragons and Mechwarrior.

(Oh you silly nerds! She’d never go for a guy like you. I mean can you imagine? An Argothian Enchantress and a mathlete! I mean sure the children would be magical and intelligent..but the survival skills necessary for fantastic worlds would be completely lacking, not to mention the kid would look terrible in a loin cloth.

2. Frank Stallone - This half-dreamy, untalented singer has far too many albums and many incredibly minor appearances on film. But despite his track record it seems Frank is still struggling for his “big break.” He touts on his website- “Seldom has a performer been strongly considered for an Academy Award in both acting and music, yet Frank Stallone has managed to pull it off.” Yes, he has managed to pull off being considered for awards. Good work Frank. My dog has been considered for awards. Retarded people win awards all the time! Oh well, at least you’ve got your boxing career buddy…but its funny, you kind of look like that other guy…what’s his name? Rocky? Maybe you could start a service impersonating him. I’m pulling for you Frank, I really am.

(We Love ya Frank!)

3. Scarecrow and Mrs. King - Oh Mrs. King you voluptuous vixen of television. The only reason I ever watched this show was because of you. To tell you the truth, I have no idea what this show was even about, and I don’t think any one else knows either. I can only vaguely recall Mrs. King getting frustrated with Scarecrow and hitting him a lot. I’m not really sure how long the show lasted or where the actors are today - probably face down in a trash heap dreaming of the good ol’ “hittin’” days. Scarecrow, Mrs. King, fare the well. I think this is the last time anyone will ever think of you…ever.

(Mrs. King and Scarecrow…not hitting each other for once)

4. Flight of the Navigator - Holy shit. This is the greatest movie of all time. Some kid flies around in a platinum walnut with a cyborg eye and reject muppet as his companions. What could be better? WHAT COULD BE BETTER?!?!…My only question is, why is the Navigator flying? Shouldn’t he be Navigating? To me, this child seems wholly unprepared for this task.

(The box doesn’t lie, this is definitely my idea of the ultimate fantasy.)

(Talk about space-age! The ship’s only weakness are three giant celestial bodies known as Alvinius, Simona, and Theodor.)

Recently something has come to my attention - and after all how could it not? It is often the most annoying thing in the world during its occurence. What is it? Music.

I know what a lot of you are thinking: “whaa? Andy I thought you love music and play several instruments.” This is true, however I’m not talking about Music as you or I know it, no I’m talking about “Music.”

This “Music” is known as Techno and is the most trite and useless sonic sewage some goon rollin’ on E can conjure. Typically (and thankfully) techno occurs in limited instances.

I can handle techno in clubs. Of course hip-hop is far superior and much more musically valuable but the important key here is that I don’t have to go to clubs that play techno. In fact, I typically don’t go to clubs that play techno. Problem solved. Play shitty music, get shitty people.

Also lots of people who workout listen to techno. This MAY be techno’s only useful outlet. I know if I were working out to techno I’d want to run twice as fast so I could get out of the gym and stop listening to techno as soon as possible.

I’m digressing a bit because as you can probably figure, this post isn’t about the harmless uses of techno (did I say harmless? I meant less harmful yet equally musically demeaning). The other day I was driving my car (and I use the term driving loosely due to the sedative state of Miami traffic) and I was listening to my iPod (via handy Sony tape-adapter) at a comfortable volume on my car stereo. The traffic light is red.

In about 2 seconds a car rolls up beside me. Windows are down, stereo is blasting, and punishing my appalled ears, is techno. The ridiculous “four-on-the-floor” thumping bass, the idiotic repetitive themes, the electronic everything - and some stupid asshole is blaring it as loud as he can from his ‘93 Toyota Corrola’s factory installed speakers (which seem to hate techno as much as I do according to their static squeals of pain, as if to say - I am not capable of transmitting this music at this volume beacuse this jerk didn’t spend enough money on meeeee!). It sounds like complete shit. Wait, hold on, that’s understatement. It sounds like a really pissed off cat, fighting another pissed off cat. But the cats aren’t fighting, they’re trying to kill each other by bursting their brains through their eardrums; running their claws down a blackboard by climbing up it, and then sliding down at a moderate pace. At this point I internally referenced a great bumper sticker I once saw - “If I wanted to listen to your shitty music, I’d be sitting in your passenger seat.” Oh how true. But at this point, what could I do? You can roll up the windows and that helps a good deal but its still really annoying to have to aurally separate your good music from the aural vomit being hosed at windows at 44.1Hz. I can’t tell this undiscerning chode-huffer to turn down the music because he wouldn’t hear it anyway (in fact he’s gotta be mostly deaf if he has to turn the music up that loud) and even if he could he would either ignore me or shoot me. Green light.

You have never seen me accelerate so fast.

But see, that’s why in cars its not always so terrible. There IS something you can do. You can drive away, change lanes, whatever it is you need to do to get away…but the worst is when you can’t get away. You’re absolutely trapped. The WORST is when some boorish trog cranks up their home stereo.

Now I love listening to my music at loud volumes too. It’s fun. Whether its rock, Hip-hop, Mahler or Mayer, it really is a good time. But, you see, the people that listen to techno have something inherently wrong with them. They’re not normal. There are certain mechanisms in their brains that don’t fire which causes them to stay up late, ingest chemical happiness, and be fascinated with glow sticks. Typically I’d find such a scenario hilarious, but the problem is that they have one thing in common with you and I, and that my friend is what makes their existence a terrible one: they live in the same building as you. Whether above or below, on the left or on the right, they are there. And, as surprising as it may seem, these people also have a great talent, and that talent is as follows: knowing exactly when you’re trying to sleep, read, relax, whatch a movie with important dialouge, or talk on the phone and then choosing that particular moment to crank their sub-par stereo to the max, proclaiming their social ignorance and benightedess and their deficient IQ all at the same time.

It happened to me last night, well, I guess I should say this morning. 6am. You can read that again, in fact I think I’ll type it again because I can hardly believe it myself. SIX AM. I woke up, not because I had to pee, not because my alarm went off, but because some stupid asshole was blaring techno. It was a Madonna remix with snippets of all of her songs spliced into one - a musical frankenstein. But this situation is far worse than the traffic instance. Why? Because its woken me up. And it woke me up only about 50 minutes before my alarm was set. Which means by the time the song ended, it had edged out about 10 minutes total of my sleeping time. Next, because there is literally nothing I could do. I couldn’t find out where it was coming from, I couldn’t shout, I couldn’t pound on the ceiling, all I could do was sit there and get really pissed off at this, no doubt, self-hating e-tripping, half-witted, discourteous turd who couldn’t tell good music from someone stabbing them in the ears. Thankfully the music did turn off, however I’d like to present this merely as the conclusion to this story, NOT as the archetypal situation. Typically the music stays on for at least an hour while the primate who is busy gouging his cerebral cortex against the cusp of remedial music, no doubt leaps about like a chimp, whipping crap at his companions like “This is the best part!!!” as the snare roll predictably and stupidly takes over the music and then builds up into….the exact same thing that was happening before.

If you enjoy listening to techno on a regular basis, I hope I thoroughly offended you. I can’t say that I don’t ever listen to it, I certainly do now and then, but I usually can’t stand it for more than a song or two…I guess I (foolishly) keep trying to give it a chance to show me something worthwhile. It never does.

In old cartoons there were always villains. The Smurfs had Gargamel, He-man had Skeletor, GI Joe had Cobra (with the appropriately named leader of Cobra, Cobra Commander), and the Transformers had the Decepticons (surprisingly I have no idea who the Go-bots fought…actually this isn’t surprsing at all. I never watched the Gobots, they suck).

The typical objectives of any given villain usually include at least some,if not all, of the following:

1)Seeking world domination
2)Total annihilation of the “Good guy” (but general apathy for the public at large)
3)Wealth and Riches

The villains become obsessed with these evil aspirations and extort the resources of themselves and their underlings in order to achieve their goals. Yet time and again in adventure after adventure despite their very best efforts, the bad guys fail. The giant laser wasn’t giant enough, the clever trap wasn’t clever enough, the evil subordinates had some good in them afterall - the list of miscarried plots and schemes is constantly updating, ever-annexed by the newest failure.

What I don’t understand is the language these so-called “evil super villains” use. Their insults are weak at best. Here is an excerpt from the GI Joe movie in which Serpentor is confronted by Hawk:

SERPENTOR
You, young one. You nearly thwarted my destiny!

Serpentor takes one of his throwing snakes but is stopped by Duke.

FALCON
Duke!

It takes little time for Serpentor to overpower Duke this time. Duke lands at Falcon’s feet, and Serpentor picks up his serpent again.

SERPENTOR
Die, arrogant earth scum!

Serpentor throws the snake straight at Falcon, but Duke stands up at the last second.

DUKE
NO!

The snake plunges straight into Duke’s heart. His eyes go blank, and he falls.

FALCON
Duke?

SERPENTOR
He took the snake meant for your heart, but his sacrifice will be in vain! This I command!

Alright, so what’s wrong with this conversation? I mean granted Serpentor is from outer-space, but the guy seems to be fluent enough in English that he would know some better things to call the Joes than “Young one,” “arogant earth scum,” and could come up with a better parting line than “his sacrifice will be in vain! This I command!” Give me a break. Here is how the conversation SHOULD have gone…

SERPENTOR
Listen up asshole. You’re a bitch. A bitch that nearly fucked up my plan! You know what I do to bitches? I throw snakes at their asses!

Serpentor takes one of his throwing snakes but is stopped by Duke.

FALCON
Holy shit.

It takes little time for Serpentor to overpower Duke this time. Duke lands at Falcon’s feet, and Serpentor picks up his serpent again.

SERPENTOR
You’re dead biatch. Here’s one to your dome!

Serpentor throws the snake straight at Falcon, but Duke stands up at the last second.

DUKE
OW FUCK!

The snake plunges straight into Duke’s heart. His eyes go blank, and he falls.

FALCON
Holy shit.

SERPENTOR
Looks like your boyfriend saved you this time queer…too bad it ain’t mean none shit biatch. By the time these johns is over, I’m gonna 1-8-7 all ya’ll! Die motherfuckers!

As brash as my interpretation of the actual dialouge might be, its probably far more truthful. Let’s face it. These guys are all soldiers, and one of them is like supreme leader of all the bad guys in the world. There’s no way he wouldn’t use bad language. Let’s look at a another example, this one from He-man:

SKELETOR
Now, Randor, perhaps I can make my point a little
more forcefully…
(a muffled THUD from one of the doors)
What was that?

The stone blocking the third door suddenly breaks into fragments.
He-Man has punched it away; he now examines his fist in
surprise.

HE-MAN
Hmmm… didn’t break any fingers…

SKELETOR
(impressed as much as surprised)
Who is this musclebound he-man?

He-Man is at a loss for an answer, and says nothing.

MARLENA
I don’t know - but I think he’s on our side.

SKELETOR
Beastman! Merman! Take care of them!

Come ON Skeletor! You’ve got to be kidding me. You are a FUCKING SKELETON. You have a Beastman as a henchman. Is there some reason you’re keeping your dialouge so PC? This is how I would’ve handled the situation, given a skeleton head and terrifying purply robes…

SKELETOR
Alright Randor, you’re about to get beat - Skeletor style.
(a muffled THUD from one of the doors)
What the fuck?

The stone blocking the third door suddenly breaks into fragments.
He-Man has punched it away; he now examines his fist in
surprise.

HE-MAN
I’m such a bad-ass, who wants to have a little?

SKELETOR
(impressed as much as surprised)
Who the fuck are you, and why did you break my fucking door…and by the way Sally, nice briefs.

He-Man is at a loss for an answer, and says nothing.

MARLENA
Holy Shit.

SKELETOR
Beastman! Merman! Pull their eyes out of their assholes, NOW!

From here on out I ask that super-villains everywhere start learning the four-letter words that today’s youth have embraced with tender respect. Be creative. Its always nice to hear a villain really go to town on a super-hero. No one likes an evil, maniacal leader that tells people to “buzz-off” or that “Soon revenge will be mine.” They want someone they can really hate. Someone who makes them squirm with sickness or gag with delight. I want to start seeing that bit of extra effort from all our super-villain friends.

A few days ago I came up with a smashing idea for a band. It would challenge them creatively, make them better musicians, and bring a really cool product to their users. So here’s the idea followed by a couple of artist who I think could pull this off.

The plan is that each consumer, or at least a majority of the consumers, get a different album with the same songs on it. That is, the tracks on the album are all the same songs but recorded in different styles.

The band’s job would be to write their 10-12 songs for the album, and then record each one in as many styles as they can muster (I’m gonna recommend about 15-20 styles or variations per tune - though I realize this is a lofty goal). Then the albums that are distributed are given one variation per tune in some random combination. That way each album is different.

This project’s drawbacks are biggest when it comes to cost and time. It takes a TON of time to record a track to get it right in even one variation (although as the band plays more and more, they’ll get better in playing the track right within the first couple cuts). Second if the band doesn’t own its own studio, then it will cost a boatload of money to record for that long. There is an added fear that the group members wouldn’t be creative enough to come up with that many variations per tune, but I think the following artists or groups could definitely do it (and these are chosen solely from rock/pop groups) in no particular order:

1. John Mayer - This guy pretty much changes his songs every night when he’s on tour anyway.

2. Stevie Wonder - His love of synths and funky beats make him a must for a project like this.

3. Paul McCartney - duh.

4. Brian Wilson - duh.

5. Pearl Jam - one of the most talented rock bands I’ve heard- yet for some reason I still don’t own an album.

6. They Might Be Giants - the two Johns are brimming with creativity. Musically speaking, a project like this would be a breeze for them.

7. Jack Black and KG - I think it would be a real challenge for these two, but I also think they may be able to pull it off - KG definitely has the guitar chops.

8. Eric Clapton - Guitar mastermind and raised on old school blues. He’s played with cream, the Beatles, and a bajillion other mind-blowing acts.

I know I’ve probably left out some groups, but what’s sad is I can’t really think of anymore on my own. Also notice the majority of the people on the list have a few things in common -

They’re prolific songwriters
They’re all amazing at their instruments
and most of them have careers that have spanned more than a decade (with the exception of john mayer, but he’s only 26 afterall).

Anyway I think it would be a cool project, so if one of the people on the above list reads this, get to work!

I’m sitting here at work, perfecting sloth. I’ve finished my book, I’m in between homework assignments, and I’ve run out of things to do in general…it is 8:42am. It’s time to get fired up about something.

Intelligence. I never make any claims about being a genius. I do not know a lot about everything, in fact I only know a lot about very few things. I consider my strength to be creating rather than absorbing and analyzing. However the few things I do know seemingly only 98 percent of the people in Miami know as well. My comrads in battling stupidity include most of my colleagues at school, and some of the law students I’ve met (though certainly not all of them).

It seems to me that if it is 8:45am and your occupational attire include a CB, you not have it on the highest volume setting. Despite the fact you may have gotten up at 6 and 8 really isn’t that early to you, it is important to understand the concept of courtesy. Not everyone wants to hear broken, cacophonous English blared into their eardrum this early in the morning. Time to sound off about some other things I dislike.

Suffice it to say that driving in Miami is akin to killing a puppy; you don’t want to do it at all if you can avoid it, but sometimes you have to and it never gets more pleasant. In Miami the rules of traffic govern as follows:

If you need to get somewhere quickly, you will be thwarted in one of the following 4 ways -
a) You will be on a major road in the city…that is only one lane. The city is laid out like a toddler’s dirty diaper. There is usually only one or two ways to get where you’re going, and despite the road being overpopulated, it remains single file.
b) You will be cruising nicely along a highway with many lanes, yet for some reason there will be several small, usually hatchback, cars going about half your rate of speed. They will constantly change lanes and cut you off, not using their turn signal, and the people driving them will have very confused looks on their faces (as if to say, “que?”).
c) It will be rush hour (note: rush hour includes the hours from 2:30pm until 9pm - city government is considering changing the name “rush hour” to “the idiocy highway patrol’s daily honors parade” to eliminate negative connotation).
d) It will be rush hour, but the traffic won’t be too bad…or at least it shouldn’t be, but unfortunately the louts at the Florida Department of Transportation (who may or may not be hampsters) have decided that 5pm is a great time to do road construction. (note: if people are required to move to a single lane, they will drive as fast as possible down the one that eventually merges until they can’t possibly go any further. Then they’ll put on their turn signal, and some idiot will let them in, essentially cutting in front of at least 50 cars).

Miami is one of the least educated cities in the country, but after you drive here you pretty much realize that it is THE least educated. I’ve driven in DC on the beltway, LA during rush hour, NYC any time of the day, and all of these places were cake compared to Miami. It seems to get a license in the city you need only two requirements - a passion for accidents, and the intelligence of a goat.

Yardwork is the next topic I’ll be covering, and while most of you probably don’t have to deal with this it drives me crazy every morning and afternoon. You see, I bike to school and when you ride your bike two things happen: you breathe a little heavier, and you lose all respect as a human being. In Coral Gables there are a great number of people who look as though they are wealthy (please read “The Millionaire Next Door” to understand this statement). Each morning and afternoon there are any number of lawn service companies, typically run out of a van or truck, doing any number of yard-work related tasks. Keeping your yard nice is great. It makes the neighborhood look awesome I suppose…but what about the leaf blower? Who created this thing?

Leaf blowers are the worst idea ever. I’m glad its easier to move leaves with it, really. What’s terrible is these things blast not just the leaves; any minute particle of dust, dander, or pollen is launched into the air, typically directly into my eyes, ears and mouth as I pass on my bike. What’s better is that since this dirt comes directly from the streets and yards I’m sure there are myriads of germs getting the ride of their life - from the ground into my healthy host body.
Do the lawn service guys ever blow in the opposite direction or move in the slightest when I come by on my bike? You guessed it! They just blast the crap right in my face. Sometimes I swerve out of the way of the dust…the problem is there is usually a car for me to veer into - I’d rather be sick than dead…but surprisingly I’d rather be dead than drive in Miami (depending on the ultimate destination).

So for all of you who drive slowly and stupidly, or are uneducated about common courtesy or just uneducated in general -

Good luck with life. Allow me to be the first to say adieu: It is going to be a long and difficult struggle for you.

Have you ever noticed that when we sit down to watch TV most of the time we’re looking for something we’ve already seen? We’re laying in bed or sprawled on the couch, there’s crumbs all over our stomachs, there’s a million things we’ve told others we need to get done and there we are going “man there is NOTHING on, I wish there was a good movie or reruns on!” Or if we do happen across a movie we have seen we immediately think “oh I love this movie!” and start watching it, commercials and all, despite having seen it 15 times and most likely owning it.

What’s more amazing is that there are literally hundreds of channels to choose from yet we frequent the same ones consistently. That’s like going to a neighborhood restaurant and eating everynight, all the while saying “man this food is TERRIBLE! We’ve got to find a better place!….could you pass the falafel?”