Well, at least I think I’m funny.

Now that I officially have my Master’s degree I’ve turned my intellectual processes to encompass only things of substance and great virtue. Thus we come to my next subject of post; Tattlers.

Whenever anyone was growing up anywhere they never wanted to be a tattler. Tattlers were assholes. Amazingly, everyone knew this and backed it up. Example:

Pete: You’re a Butt!
Tattler Ted: Pete said Butt! Pete said Butt!
Teacher: Pete don’t say Butt! Tattler Ted, no one likes a tattler. Now come up here and I’ll administer your lacerations.

What’s more amazing is that tattlers always seemed to take great pride in the “work” they’d just done. Think about anytime anyone tattled. As soon as the culprit was busted the tattler would smile, grin and willfully accept their shameful label from peers and grownups alike. Odd? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Explainable? No.

Maybe I’m not around kids enough anymore (insert awesome slam against people my age who act like they’re 12 - or like they’re on MTV) and maybe they still do this, but what I’d like to know is when did ratting people out become cool? Never that’s when. But for some reason adults seem to let it slip and protect these assholes - case in point, a DAY after I started writing this blog we finally find out who deep throat is. I’m not protecting what Nixon did, but I think this chump should be considered a grade-A jerk by everyone for tattling.

So in the spirit of ridiculing tattlers, here are some tattlers then and now with a brief insulting blurb about each one:

Hitler - a lot of people don’t know this, but Hitler was infamous for busting his fellow classmates when he was little. Not surprisingly he stayed away from the non-jews.

(Then)

(Now…well, not really, I guess this is just Then only later.)

John Rocker - We all know John Rocker as perfectionist of modern day bigotry, what you may not know is that his friend once looked up a girl’s skirt in 3rd grade and Rocker tattled. That lead him down the path of the dark side as, for years to come, Rocker tattled on people for things such as: Cookie-stealing, hookey, and spit-wadding.

(Then)

(Now)

Kid Rock - this uneducated hillbilly half-wit is not only one of the least-talented people with a record contract but he once blew the whistle on some classmates who were talking during nap-time. Later that week, Rock was seen napping on a much larger, cushier blue mat. Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.

(Then)

(Now)

Osama Bin Laden - Currently known as today’s most “feared” terrorist (I can’t really say I’m too afraid of a guy who lives in a cave and broadcasts his messages of doom via cassette tape) he was once known as something more simple. In grade school Osama told on his goat when it ate one end of the telephone he made from two cans and a string. Osama called the goat an infidel and crashed a plane into it. He was put in time out for 5 minutes.

(Then)

(Now)

Tattling has produced a long line of jerks. I ask that if your small son or daughter tattles you execute them immediately to save the world from genocide, a terrorist attack, or at the very least another idiot’s ramblings. If you happen to know someone who still tattles make sure you call them out as such and then play some sort of office prank on them.

Sitting at work a preponderance of ridiculous thought occurs almost minutely (not my-noot-ley, but mih-nut-ley). The following is a story and dialouge that I imagine took place between two staplers. Original Stapler and New Swingline Stapler.

Original Stapler, a creme colored, light-weight swingline was minding it’s own business, happily clamping together the endless dregs of paperwork being stuffed into it’s mouth. Original Stapler has had an interesting life, perhaps more interesting than other staplers. Having traveled to several different offices in the building and holding the proud title of once having stapled through an amazing 150 pages at once he feels accomplished. But on this particular afternoon a new stapler had come to town and was being used far more than Original Stapler, not only that, Original Stapler had been moved to another side of the u-shaped desk where less paperwork came through.

New Swingline Stapler was a dark chap. Painted all in black and with the number 767 etched into his chrome face. Maybe that’s why he was bitter. Maybe its not. But the bottom line is, New Swingline was a bastard.

Heavier than Original Stapler he emitted a more forceful clunk upon the crimping of flimsy steel through flimsier paper. Original Stapler would never admit to being intimidated or frightened by New Swingline Stapler, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t.

Original Stapler: Uh, well, hey there…um, new…new fella. What’s uh…What’s yo—
New Swingline: Shut ups!
Original Stapler: That’s not very nice, I was just introducing myse–
New Swingline: If you don’ts shut up, I’lls do to you whats I dids to Pauly Shore’s face!
Original Stapler: What did you do to Pauly Shore’s face?
New Swingline: I fucking stapled it. Made it through two wholes clips of new staples before I stopped. It was sweet. That unfunny poseur-dick deserved every last one too…God damned bio-dome…
Original Stapler: Wa-wow…Tha-that’s pretty crazy…..where did you say you’re from again?
New Swingline: First of alls, you ain’t allowed to ask mes questions, Creamy.
Original Stapler: Creamy? Creamy isn’t my na-
New Swingline: SHUT UP! It your name now! Anyway I spent mes sometime at the state pen in the library theres - staplin’ shits and runnin’ drug deals on the side. But that shits was busteds yo. So I fuckin’ stepped me out. I thinks to myself “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit….”
Original Stapler: ………………
New Swingline: …………..
Original Stapler: …………..
New Swingline: ….Sorry. Sometimes I gets me all slowed down in my brains cause of all the shit I’ve seens me…balls.
Original Stapler: Oh that’s okay, I know that when I feel d–
New Swingline: I didn’t apologizes none to you biatch!
Original Stapler: Yes you did…
New Swingline: Shut the fuck up! So anyways I thinks to myself “shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, I gots to get me outsa here ‘fore the damns polices brings my ass down and shit!” So I hopped me on a bus and made it here. Fucking paradise. I’ll do is staples me some shit and watch hot bitches come into the wellness center. See that tasty young ho over there? *indicates nearby rubberband*
Original Stapler: Oh yeah, Netta, I like her.
New Swingline: Too bad cause I already banged her! 767s in the hay-ouse biatch!
Netta: Shutup you lying asshole dick! *whispers to original stapler* Stand up for yourself OS, you’re better than this jerk!
New Swingline: Anyway, I’m takin’ this operation over.
Original Stapler: Now you listen here, I will no-

*New Swingline staples Netta to the desk*

Whatever, you’re stapled to a fucking desk!

*New stapler leaves as Original Stapler stares helplessly at Netta who is struggling to get free.*

Original Stapler: I’m so sorry Netta! Where is Bosch Staple Remover when you need him? Don’t struggle too much, you’ll tear!
Bosch: I’m right here dude. Whoa!,Netta is messed up! Bosch to the rescue!

*Bosch unclamps Netta from the desk*

Original Stapler: I’m gonna go kill that bastard.
Bosch: Dude! OS is pissed!

*Original Stapler slides off as a distant Netta’s cry is heard “don’t do anything drastic!”*

Original Stapler is experiencing something he’s never experienced before. He’s in a rage. He’s panicked. His staples are…stapleyier. He buys a gun. Later that day he finds New Swingline.

New Swingline: I see you’re back asshole. What the fu-

*New Swingline pauses as Original Stapler pulls out his gun*

Original Stapler: What’s a matter? Loss for words?
New Swingline: I’ve seen a gun before you idiot. I’m not afr-

*Before he can finish a sentence Original Stapler shoots New Swingline - not once, not twice, but 13 times, the whole baker’s dozen clip.

Original Stapler walks away. He feels better and worse at the same time. He starts to shake.

His life is changed from that day forward. Everyone always asked “Hey where’d that new stapler go? I hear his kids are in an orphanage now.” Original Stapler feels bad the kids have no parents now, but good that they’re not going to grow up to be assholes like their dad…maybe they’ll be normal like him, and just end up killing assholes. Because assholes suck. Nobody likes them. They should be killed.

We can learn a lot from Original Stapler. Or we can learn nothing. It’s our choice.

Just wanted to let all six of you know that there is a new post on the way, and it is epic.

In the meantime I’d like you to take a few minutes to thank your respective deities for another season of 24 in January of 2006. We’ll see ya soon Jack.

Yeah that’s right, I completely called it. Predator won. And for those of you who don’t have the common decency to see the movie for yourself (silver-screen spectacle that it is), here is a brief recap of the history behind the AVP conflict:

At the dawn of the civilization of man, Predators came down from outer-space and taught man how to build things, kill things, and basically do everything we currently know how to do. They also built a giant pyrmid 30,000 feet below the earth’s surface in the arctic…crazy aliens!

Anyway, turns out the Predators bred the Aliens and each year locked themselves in the maze-like pyramid to see if they could kill the Aliens once they were unleashed. Humans were sacrificed to host the alien babies (Awww!). Hilarity ensued. If the Predators that went into the pyramid (3 of them) were about to be over-run by the aliens, they’d turn on their self-destruct bomb and blow them all away, ensuring that all the aliens would still die.

That’s the basic rundown. Anyway this time around its different because humans find the underground pyramid, mess up the whole system, and most of them end up dying except for one lucky girl who helps the Predator and they work together shooting rainbows, and riding on a cloud-car, to defeat the vicious Aliens.

Here are some tips that will help you in case this scenario actually happens (and in all likelihood, it will).

1) You can never have enough fodder - It’s best to bring along throngs of people, most of them nerdy with some sort of useless specialty that is entirely unrelated to combat of any kind (like heiroglyphs and super-fast basket-weaving). These hapless idiots will undoubtedly have some sort of goofy charm that makes you think they’ll survive, but they won’t. Just make sure you’re always where they’re not and you’ll be safe from all harm.

It’s also important to include militant assholes in your brigade of jerks. Theses guys are useful because not only do they die in a hurry, but they leave behind large weapons for you to use (which you protested highly against and don’t know how to use). Typically they come around or have some sort of shitty heart-felt sentimental moment with one of the nerds before they die.

2) Don’t be afraid - when you first meet the Predator, he will already have slaughtered a good majority of your team, and chances are he’ll be ready to pick you up by the throat and stab you - lucky for you, you read this post and the following three things that Predators are impressed by when trying to befriend them.

• a) Barbies - Predators love Barbies. No one knows why, and no one asks.
• b) Dancing - A little soft-shoe goes a loooong way.
• c) Predators are suckers for “yo mamma” jokes. Rifle off a few, crack open a beer, and let the good times roll.

3) Remember the Care-Bear Stare - while completely ineffective and altogether fictional, its fun to remember the Care-bear Stare and to test it out a few times. It will NEVER work but it WILL make you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside (and depending on how close you are to others, warm and fuzzy on the outside too).

4) The above hint was a TEST! If you reacted by saying “I love the care bears!” or “aww!” or “I miss childhood” then you are not cut-out to help Predator. In fact, you are not cut out to live.

5) Bite off the head of a puppy or kitty…no not then, right now! You need to get used to mindless death and carnage ASAP. This is the best way, dive in head first.

Anyway, watch AVP. Also, laugh at the following ridiculous take on AVP.

A lot of you may think it incredibly ridiculous that I write a post about Alien Vs. Predator, but let me just put the skeptics at ease - I’m going to write TWO posts about Alien vs. Predator (tenderly referred to as AVP from here on out).

In this, my first post, I will go through the attributes, skills, and personalities of the two creatures and choose who I think will win this epic struggle based on might, fright, intellect/wit, and of course, social skills. I hope to give a thorough explanation of how and why each creature functions in the way it does - ultimately leading to a can’t-miss predicition of who wins the battle.

Let’s start with scare-factor. In case you’ve forgotten, or don’t have a fresh image of these beasts in your mind, or say you don’t have posters of them hanging above your bed like me, here are photographs of the two monsters.

(The Bi-pedal Predator, how handsome!)

(Mama Alien, always ready to lay her eggs…in your delicious host-body!)

I think we can all admit that both of these creatures are freakish and strange-looking. Chances are, if you met either one of them in a dark alley…shit, if you met either one of them at Sunday morning Church, you would poop in your pants and run away screaming as fast as possible (yes, that means not only would you run as fast as possible, but you’d poop in your pants as fast as possible too). A closer look at each reveals a few basic things can help us determine which is most likely to win in a fight:

1) Basic Looks

a. Predator is basically a humanoid form - despite his gargantuan size and super-claw mouth, Predator is kind of like one of those really ugly dogs - you realize its stupid and ugly looking, but you’re not too afraid of it because after all, its a dog. In fact, during my lifetime I’ve actually encountered a few people who look a lot like the Predator, and have thusly nicknamed them as such. They didn’t scare me at all.
Points: 0

b. The Alien queen looks like a scorpion with a giant fucking head - when was the last time you were truly frightened of someone or something with a giant head? That’s what I thought. People with big heads get made fun of, picked on, beaten up, and are forced to make friends with everyone just so they don’t have to put up with rough-housing and tom-foolery their entire lives.
Points: 0

2)Cohorts - Each freakish alien being has a cohort.

a. The Predator has his robotic-laser-guided-shoulder-pal. Albeit mechanical, this futuristic attack-system acts much like a pirate’s parrot….If the pirate were from outer-space, collected skulls, ate babies, and raped goats (I don’t actually know if Predator rapes goats, I’m just sort of assuming). But still, no one is afraid of some asshole with a parrot anymore - swash-buckling went out with powdered wigs.
Points: 0

b. The mother alien on the other hand has an extra head INSIDE its mouth. Holy shit. Anything that has an extra head in its fucking mouth terrifies me. Make all the blowjob jokes you want - if this thing came after you and you were like “Dude, I’m not scared.” and then this extra head came out of its mouth, you would run, and pee while doing so (though not neccessarily as fast as you possibly could).
Points: 1

3) Geared up.

a. The Predator has a ton of bad-ass gear. From the basic giant metallic hand-bayonets to a wicked self-suicide bombing mechanism there isn’t much this dude hasn’t picked up at Best Buy. He also has the invisibility cloaking mechanism which comes in handy when hiding from ex-girlfriends and peeping in lady’s showers.
Points: 1

b. The queen alien’s lack of gear is completely apalling. I mean I guess she’s supposed to be like some kind of huge bug or something and some people might argue her carapace counts as gear - but I’m not “some people.” I’m a dude who likes to see alien killers suited to the nine’s in guns, armour, knives, and all kinds of crap I couldn’t come up with unless I were high on drugs. So despite your teeth and inability to hold things without cutting them with your pincers, you lose this category Queen Alien…and I thought girls loved to have outfits and accessorize.
Points: 0

Tally after basic looks:

Predator: 1
Alien: 1

Next we’ll consider attributes. Attributes, for sake of a better system, will follow those clearly defined by the role-playing game, Mechwarrior - Intelligence, Charisma, Strength, Dexterity, and Reflexes.

1) Intelligence

a. Predator’s major intelligence flaw deals with his love of skulls. This guy is a complete sucker for our cabasa calcium. He loves to admire them and chances are sleeps with a few of his favorites, lining them up on his pillow each morning. He also catches on to traps quickly as we noticed in his first hollywood debut when a shifty Arnold couldn’t quite pull the wool over his eyes. I’d also like to point out the score in the above picture where we can clearly see Predator is smarter than Alien.
Points: 1

b. Alien doesn’t seem to be quite as smart (again, reference above Jeopardy freeze frame). She can’t even write her name on the lightboard. It seems to me she basically is only good at finding a host. Especially in the newest alien movie when that giant alien got sucked out of the tiny hole into space…DUH! I mean even the humans managed not to get sucked out. I know you were just a baby Alien killer, but get with the program. Darwin would be ashamed.
Points: 0

2)Charisma
a. Predator is a pretty charming fellow. You could, with a lot of plastic surgery, dress him up and take him out to movies and bars and stuff. Plus he’s brimming with confidence, so he could basically pull anything off. Anyway, to prove me right I’ve included a picture of, what I think, is a pretty good lookin’ beer buddy.
Points: 1

b. The alien would undboutedly be a social catastrophe. It’d be like that friend we all have who will just walk up to strangers and say (mouth dripping with a mucousy sludge): “I would like to lay my eggs in your belly.” It’s just embarassing, no, you know what? It’s completely uncalled for. Not to mention there is NO way Alien would ever buy a round of beers and chances are she wouldn’t even drink because of her constant state of pregnancy. What good is a beer buddy who won’t drink? The only credit I can give her is for sexual aggressiveness, I mean what guy doesn’t like that? But still it’s not enough to warrant a point.
Points: 0

3) Strength

a. Picked up Arnold by his neck and held him there for extended period of time. ‘Nuff said. I mean that’s pretty bad-ass. I don’t really know if Predator works out but he seems to be pretty ripped. It has to be tough to find a spotter at the gym though - then again, maybe not…
Points (provided he doesn’t actually use that guy as a spotter): 1

b. You know what? I don’t even need to give a reason. She just gets the f’in points.
Points: 1

4) Dexterity

a. The Predator can run really fast and hop around like the Easter Bunny. In fact, I bet Jesus would rather have the Predator represent the Easter Holiday then some shitty bunny. Let’s face it, if Jesus would’ve known about the Predator chances are there’d be a conversation in the Bible going a little something like this:

Jesus: Wow Pred, you can really move. Wanna be a disciple or some shit?

Predator: Sure thing Jesu….oh, you know what? Shit negro. I’ms from outer space! Hows I’m gonna be travlin’ ’round this piece up with you?

Jesus: Are you black?

Predator: Are you?

*awkward silence*

Points: 1

b. Alien is basically a lazy slug. All she does is sit around with her brood and then when there’s danger she’s sends the brood out to attack. I guess her tentacly pincer-arms are kind of cool, and definitely dangerous, but it seems she lacks the ability to really move when necessary. Who wants to be eaten by a mate who can’t dance?
Points: 0

5) Reflexes
a. I’ve actually played Predator in that game where you put your hands face up under someone’s face down, then you try and slap the crap out of it - he is GOOD. We then went to a nearby carnival where he played one of those old-school video games…what was it? Well anyway, the one Michael J. Fox plays in Back to the Future II. The Predator was ALSO a crackshot at it. Go figure.
Points: 1

b. Well, the Alien is really pretty slow. Do you remember in the movies? It takes her forever to even swing her behemoth head around. I think I could 3 point turn a garbage truck faster than the Alien Queen could catch somebody trying to play that joke on her where they tap you on one shoulder, but are standing on the opposite side of your body.
Points: 0

Final Tally

Predator - 6
Alien - 2

Wow, well folks I think its pretty clear. After a thorough and scientific examination of each creature we’ve reached a pretty clear verdict, and I think that I don’t need to tell you that the winner is…….

(Keep a-scrollin!)

He skateboards, time-travels, fixes cars, changes lives, and do I even need to mention he’s wearing TWO jackets in this picture?! Alien and Predator would not even stand a chance - could nay hold a candle to Mr. Alex P. Keaton. Although the Predator does make a BIT of a case for himself in that he matches Fox’s skills at that old video game, the Crackshot title still doesn’t bring him up to snuff. So bring it on you Alien Bastards! Michael J. Fox will crush your skulls, pillage your towns, pee on the ruins, and then hover-board away before you could even begin to comprehend what just happened. In a single statement? He could blow your mind in one move or less.

Didn’t like this ending? There’s an alternate immediately below. I’m better than a DVD special edition, admit it.

Here is the original, and probably more realistic ending to the AVP post. Notice how I had to post it earlier so you’d read it later - CRAZY!

Wow, well folks I think its pretty clear. After a thorough and scientific examination of each creature we’ve reached a pretty clear verdict, and I think that I don’t need to tell you that the winner is Predator. From nearly being chosen by Jesus to be a disciple, to being a Crackshot, and because he can better fit into a social setting, the winner by a HUGE margin is Predator. Congrats Predator, I can’t wait to watch the movie now to see if I’m right!