Well, at least I think I’m funny.

Hello post-readers! While I’m currently learning flash to post some hilarious animations I intend to create, I’ve had a couple of random and rather Seinfeldian thoughts dash through my brain.

1. Why do people from New Jersey say they’re Italian? Does this make sense to anyone? I’ve never met an italian person who weighed over 300 pounds and used phrases like “youse guys.” The people claiming to be Italian also typically don’t speak any of their language, and if they do they either learned it from the Sopranos or have bastardized it so much that real Italians wouldn’t have a clue what they were saying. They also are not sure where their “family” is from, and have never visited the country. To me, that means all you have to do to be French is smell bad, drink wine, and ride a bicycle*.

2. What exactly is an “activity partner?” Friendster features various radio buttons you can choose to indicate the reason you’re on Friendster. Dating, Relationships, Friends, Activity Partners, and Just Looking Around. What kinds of Activities do these partners engage in? Is it like being in a relationship but without any chance of sex or groping?

“You know Joe, I know we’ve only been bad minton partners for a few weeks, but I’m angry you filled in for Ted on Pete’s team last weekend.”

How come you can click on “Dating” but not “Relationships” and vice versa? If you’re just going on dates with people, this would indicate to me that you’re interested in having a relationship with them. You can’t possibly just meet someone and then NOT have relationship. It can be a bad relationship or a short one, but its still a relationship. I have a relationship with my friends from 4th grade and I haven’t spoken to them in years.

And what genius man was able to ever swing a relationship without ever dating? I’d like to know how he did it. Does this mean I don’t have to pay for a dinner and get to cut straight to spending all my time at a person’s place and eating things from their fridge while skipping past the initial-awkward sex straight to the familiar, “shout-out-loud, yeah you can put it there” sex?

Even if it does though, I imagine the relationship would eventually fail as I “forget” every birthday and anniversary since I missed all that pertinent information in the initial “get to know each other” phase.

*note - this also applies to italians

No, no one is pregnant*.

I got bored and did this - unless you’re in my immediate circle of friends or have at least met my friends, you may not find it funny at all. If you DO fit in the afforementioned categories, you’d better laugh your ass off.

*I hope you all get this joke. If not, too bad.

As many of you know, a lot of my friends are in law school and have been tediously preparing for the bar throughout the summer. Here is a little tribute poem I’ve created for all you hard-working individuals who want to make money and ruin people’s lives so badly, you’ll go to 3 extra years of school and take on 100K dollars worth of debt.

Ode to the Bar-takers

Ode to the Bar-takers,
The bar-taking crowd.
Their last couple months have been quiet,
not loud.

Their books open wide,
Their eyes almost shut,
In libraries late-nights,
The silence, un-cut.

The reading’s gone on,
and on for straight days,
Their eyes getting squinty,
from lack of sun’s rays.

But distractions were sought,
taking breaks here and there.
Drink a beer, play Halo,
Scope out that girl’s underwear.

Some people stressed first,
and now are relaxed,
While those who stress now,
are having heart attacks.

But Lawyers you’ll be,
each one, this I know.
Because you’re all great big jerks,
who take joy in big dough.

You’ll argue and cuss,
you’ll work late at night,
You’ll drive fancy cars,
With those too-brite headlights.

Some will have boats,
and others have mansions,
Still others will hang out,
In the Hamptons with Ted Danson.

And some of you noble,
true lawyers you won’t be.
You’ll work for the little guy,
and the smallest of fees.

So get ready, Prepare!
The days are upon you.
Weiner and Waxman are my friends,
who are jews.

You’ll need lots of sleep,
then plenty of Coke.
Sharpen your pencils,
That shit can’t be broke!

Wear your luckiest charms,
and your undies so fancy,
To make sure that luck,
makes the test show clemency.

But whatever you do,
don’t lie and don’t cheat!
You can B.S. a little,
to stay on your feet.

That’s all the advice,
a musician can muster.
Oh also I say,
You better pass buster!

Cause if you don’t,
then you’ll end up like me.
Living at home,
in a lame-ass city.

But I’m sure you’ll do great,
if you stick to your guns.
So good luck to the bar-takers,
Each and everyone.

Good luck!

The hotel looks like something from one of those creepy murder movies – 10 rooms, one story, all in a row.

Ken is retired and most likely fought in at least one war. He reminds me a little bit of my grandfather.

Ken comes out of the office, slowly but easily, and makes his way behind the desk. He’s friendly and he enjoys being friendly. He speaks slowly as his hands shake a little bit all the while writing down my name and other required information from my driver’s license.

He asks how I heard about Four Oaks Lodging. I told him my story and mention the billboard I happened to catch as my car stalled for the umpteenth time, coasting up the exit ramp from I 95 in the drying drizzle.

He asks where I’m from and I tell him as he punches in a series of numbers and swipes my credit card…and then he asks again where I’m from. I tell him I’m driving up from Miami and this time more clearly specify the gasps and stutters my car made as I picked my way up 95 at 60 miles per hour.

Ken says “Sounds like ya got some water in your gas tank!”

And I smile as that’s exactly what my dad surmised it would be.

Ken then tells me a story about driving a truck for “the plant” in New Hampshire. Every Monday morning he’d go to work and get the truck to turn over and his boss never figured out how, but was amazed – because the fuel lines always froze on him. It’s probably not Ken’s best or most interesting story, but I would bet its one of his favorites to tell.

Ken then explains to me when to check out and that there will be a continental breakfast served from just before 5 until 10am. He takes my cash deposit for the TV remote, as my credit card slip prints. I sign it.

Ken doesn’t care that I drive a 1988 BMW 535is. Ken doesn’t notice my Underarmour shorts which are specially designed to wick moisture from the body and cost more than they’re worth. It wouldn’t matter to Ken if I told him I had several Le Tigre shirts in my car, and 3 pairs of designer jeans that I can cinch with a 125$ cole haan belt.

It doesn’t matter to Ken that I have a bass, a guitar, amps for both, and a digital music studio in my trunk.

Ken doesn’t use Instant Messenger and isn’t on Friendster. He doesn’t have a laptop, an iPod, a cell phone, a Bluetooth headset, a fast computer, or hundreds of CD’s. I would guess he doesn’t have an email address. In fact, I bet he’s written an actual letter within the last week to one of his old friends.

Ken doesn’t have or want 600 channels beamed in super-high definition from a satellite in space. Ken watches only the news, and even that is a rare instance.

Ken is completely uninterested I went to graduate school. Ken probably didn’t go to college, and is probably one of the best people I’ve met and the best business man around.

Ken probably saw comrades die in combat, played kick the can as a kid, remembers the first time he sat and listened to radio, and still doesn’t approve of those long haired Beatles. I imagine Ken never watched much TV. Ken has worked very hard his entire life. I think about all the things he’s done and seen, and how much longer he’ll continue to work at Four Oaks Lodging.

Ken doesn’t think about any of that stuff. Ken only wanted to know how I heard about Four Oaks Lodging. Ken knows that if you treat someone with respect, a smile, and a story that they will not only come back to Four Oaks, but they will probably offer him the same respect and casual friendship in kind.

I began running and walking my dog in the large grass area in front of the hotel. I think all these things about Ken and how simple and perfect his life is as mine seems to be crashing down on me every day. For all my stuff and for all my education and despite the fact I give incredible thought to the world around me and how I should live my life as a person, I still don’t have the answers.

Its nice to see that some people have their answers. Its very positive to understand that it can and will be done given some time.

I walk into the office in Four Oaks Lodging, wet from the pouring rain I’ve just spent the last three states in, and hoping there is a room.

An old man comes from the back of the office.

“How are you?” I ask.

“I can’t complain.”

As many of you have already been able to surmise, I have a peculiar sense of humor. I constantly say lines from movies or other comic medium that no one could possibly understand, then laugh at them out loud. I figured since I am putting off packing for the big move, and since they have entertained me so often, I would list some of my favorite movies.

1. Dirty Work - This is most likely my all time favorite comedy. I laugh so hard at this film every time I see it. The acting is atrocious and most people just look at me confused and disgusted as I howl at the insanity occuring on screen. If you haven’t seen this movie, you need to check it out.

2. Road Trip - Hailed by most as “poor at best” this college comedy has more moments of sheer brilliance than few others. Tom Green is amazingly funny (”you gonna fuckin’ eat ‘im?”) and Sean William-Scott has some awesome lines too. There are also some really cool cameos (ie: that guy from Upright Citzen’s Brigrade and Horatio Sans).

3. Euro Trip - This movie TANKED in the theatres and THATS when you can tell its gonna make a DVD classic. You should be able to buy this film use on Amazon for cheaper than it would cost to rent. I haven’t watched it enough yet to pick out all the astoundingly hilarious moments, but let’s just say I hate those fuckin’ i-ti’s (pronounced eye-ties).

4. Anchorman - I actually don’t own this one yet and I’m not sure why, but I will say that will ferrell is of course a genius. My favorite part in this movie is, hands down, when they sing “Afternoon Delight” in Burgundy’s office.

5. Dodgeball - I gotta say I’m pretty pissed they’re coming out with the unrated version of this now. I mean, all the other movies that had unrated versions were nice enough to release it immediately. At any rate this movie rules. Vince Vaughn switches up from being the quick-talking asshole to being the quick-talking good guy while Ben Stiller kicks aside his stuttering fool role to play an arrogant jerk. There are tons of great things about this movie, but I gotta say its a real blessing to have Rip Torn as the coach, Patches O’Hoolihan.

6. Old School - A lot of people are surprised that I don’t like this movie more…in fact I am one of those people. It IS a very funny movie but for some reason, I don’t know if its because the acting is better or what, its lacking a lot of hilarious subtleties that you can find in Dirty Work and Road Trip. I’ll still watch this one from time to time, but not as much as the others.

7. Seinfeld - Not technically a movie but I don’t care. I can literally watch 100 Seinfeld episodes a week and never get tired of them. It is PURE COMEDIC GENIUS. People who don’t like Seinfeld are crazy and brainless. I’m not insulting them, its scientific fact.

That’s all I feel like writing about. I should probably get back to work anyway. You never realize how much crap you have until you have to move it all.

They all go hand in hand don’t they? No they don’t. If you said they do then you are really quite odd. Each of the above has brought about an interesting story in my life over the past few days so I figured I’d share it with you all.

Futons:

I posted my futon on Craigslist in hopes to sell it before I have to move anywhere. Well I did sell it, but I forgot to take the ad off the website. This morning I got the following email from someone:

Hi…I’m Mary Jane and I’ll give you 75 and an hour’s massage if you want. Unless you have a zitty back or vote Republican.

I’m just down the street off 62nd Ave and Blue Rd.

…oh, or a hairy back either. Or are homophobic (but that’s negotiable for to know me is to love me and I do not have a mullet or wallet on a chain.) Plus it’s JUST a futon so none of that is relevant, right?

I mean holy crap, right? First of all the asking price was 200, so this is a pretty bad deal to begin with. But then she begins laying down ridiculous criterium. This brings me to my main* point.

It is so ridiculous to me to be extremely conservative or uber-liberal. Its so STUPID. As a liberal you preach to people about how they need accept homosexuals and people with alternative lifestyles, and want people to make their own choices with their bodies (ie abortions). Then you go around making fun of every Christian and every conservative you see because they’re all “idiots and liars,” and despite the fact they have CHOSEN something for themselves (ie: a religion) you find it impossible to accept. How very open-minded of you.

The extreme right is just as bad. It wants everyone to get along, but then goes out and blasts people with alternative lifestyles and people who get abortions. Last time I checked Jesus didn’t harrass or belittle anyone.

Here’s a message to both parties:

SHUT UP! STOP COMPLAINING THE BOTH OF YOU. Its like a bunch of idiot little kids. Not everyone will share the same exact views on everything and you won’t change each other’s minds!

Don’t people realize that they will NEVER be happy if they’re always choosing an extreme view? Isn’t it smart to realize that you don’t have to steadfastly stick to your party’s politics?

Being a moderate fucking rules. I get to make fun of EVERYBODY and agree with whatever the hell I want because it seems right to me at the time. I can change my mind too. Its so bodacious you wouldn’t even believe. But chances are if you fall into one of the above two categories, you were extremely insulted and came up with several arguments about why I was wrong.

Here’s another newsflash for you. Bush is going to pick someone conservative for his supreme court nominee. I don’t even understand why there is speculation about this. Be mad and whine all you want you supreme leftys, there’s nothing you can do. Right wingers, try not to cheer about it too much because the next time there’s a liberal president, you’d better believe he’d choose a liberal in any similar situation.

Alright, Next topic.

Terrorits:

Al-Qaeda you guys are complete assholes. You don’t get people to believe in your faith by bombing the shit out of everything you see. Even radical zealots should realize that. You are so fucking stupid…and uncreative. Its like paste is your only food or something.

Moving right along.

Gay Stalkers:

I was running the other day and a black Lexus pulls up beside me and is driving slow. I was like “oh this retard** is lost and is going to ask me directions.” Then the car drops back a little bit and I figure he turned. Nope. He keeps driving slowly right behind me, then pulls up alongside me again. After about 4 blocks of this I turn and look at the guy, throw my hands in the air and scream “WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE?!”

He speeds away. I swear if I would’ve had a rock, you’d better believe I would’ve whipped it at his car. Not only becuase he was being a complete psychopath, but also because he was driving a Lexus. Give me a break. Get a real car.

I know, I know, there’s a lot of pent-up rage in this post but I have just been pissed off and generally depressed about so much this summer that I can’t blow it all off with lame jokes. Its tough to deal with sometimes especially when the answers to questions asked are so entirely unclear.

* This image should make you re-read that sentence differently. If it doesn’t, have someone explain it to you.

**Whenever I see someone I don’t know in Miami, I automatically assume they’re retarded. It has saved my life on numerous occasions. I hope I didn’t offend any actually retarded citzens. Trust me, you’re all smarter than the average Miami resident.

BEVERLY HILLS

THATS WHERE I WANT TO BE

EE

LIVIN’ IN BEVERLY HILLS!

This post promises to be quite lame, but I figured I had better put something up soon. Here are some ridiculous children’s book titles I’ve come up with:

1. The Shat in the Hat
2. The Little Engine That Could, but Wouldn’t due to anxiety and depression.
3. Clifford The Big Red, Commy-bastard.
4. Harry Potter and the Mystical Brain Tumor that Killed His Magic.
5. Pre-teen Pelvic Thrusting: A Guide
6. Where Your Wild Things Are
7. Furious George - The Furious Little Monkey With a Hatred of Babies.
8. Where the Sidewalk Ends…Your Life! The Follies of Traffic Safety Disobedience.
9. Nancy Drew Meets the Hardy Boys, and then they do it.
10. A Stranger is Just a Friend You Haven’t Met: A Guide to Getting Free Candy