Well, at least I think I’m funny.

Just a quick post for all my dedicated readers. Just wanted to let you all know I am officially working my first Monday of work. At any rate, here are some pics taken with my phone through our dirty windows into my office view of NYC

Tomorrow I leave for the Big Apple. New York. I was so disappointed to be moving home when I left Miami. I had been having the worst summer of my life: no money, my girlfriend broke up with me, no real job, and I had to move back in with my parents shortly after turning 25. Now it really is bittersweet to leave. Not because I like the town, or the free rent, but because I’ve met some really magnificent people and had a lot of fun with every single one of them.

My last week in town I did my best to hang out with everyone at least once. I laughed so hard, drank so much, and now have a ton of great stories and memories. It was truly like being back in school (only no classes and no homework) during my brief few months here.

I’m not always the best at corresponding but I do try hard to keep up with people so chances are if you meet me at least a quarter of the way, that’ll suffice.

I like having really great friends and every single one of you are an example of someone that I would’ve loved to have befriended in college - you would all fit in with my current circle really well. To my old friends - I can’t wait for you to meet these people.

Being a huge Karma believer I will also help anyone of you out in anyway that I possibly can. A place to stay in the city, a person you can drunk dial anytime, any sort of contacts for jobs, or just advice about life in general. You’ve all shown me so much and I can’t wait to show you some repayment. I will always help.

I expect those of you who said you were going to visit me to visit, if you have my number call it, and please email and IM me until your fingers bleed…and then you’ll have to sneeze and your nose will be covered in blood from your fingers but people will think you broke your nose and you’ll try to explain but they won’t get it because they won’t have read this ridiculous blog…but I digress. You all also need to email me your info - check the link in my IM profile if you need my address.

Keep checking the blog and if you need any of my info, ask me for it. I’ll be sending out my new address when I have it, and I should have a new email anyday (the computer guy from the company called me this afternoon).

I wish you all the best of luck and encourage you to pursue what you want with every ounce of effort you can muster. You all deserve everything you desire and there is no reason you can’t achieve it.

Thanks for showing an old guy such a great time.

I’ve never liked Nickelback. I remember when their first hit single came out. I thought to myself “here’s some stupid shit that should not be on a record.” I mean I was really disgusted. The lyrics were lousy, the song was pretty boring, and the singer just can’t fuckin’ sing.

Then a bit later I found this mp3 on a website:

Nickelback Sucking

Go there and check it out.

Alright so there’s proof they “write” their songs by listening to their other songs, and then copying them exactly. Wow.

So recently on the radio has been yet ANOTHER Nickelback song called Photograph. In this song the lead singer is recalling memories that a high-school girl would have and then whining about it like a jr. high school girl. Maybe he just got his first period or something. Anyway, I feel the need to show you these lyrics and how stupid they are (with my interjections in parenthesis):

I mean come on! This song is so lyrically stupid that I don’t even have to bother thrashing it musically. If you’re a Nickelback fan, you’re an idiot. If you’re in Nickelback, congratulations on tricking the record labels and good luck with that GED…You’ll need it to start working at Shoney’s.

The last time I had a girlfriend was the last time I didn’t feel like an idiot buying clothes. This is a fact. The only time I have ever bought something that didn’t make me feel like a complete idiot was either by accident, or shoes. For some reason I have no problem getting running shoes or dress shoes. Other than that, I’m screwed.

I went to the Ross’ and the Gap today, and the TJ Maxx yesterday and all I came away with was one pair of shoes (and they are very much like my laslt pair of shoes). As I walked out of the GAP store I thought to myself “man, I would’ve spent 200 dollars in that store if someone would’ve just said ‘Here, you’ll look professional, yet still hot in this, wear this to go out, and here is some stuff to wear lounging around that still looks smart. Also here’s the coat you need and girls will think your butt looks good in these jeans.”

That’s what I need. I need a girl to tell me what to buy. Those manequins, I think, are all retailers have come up with to tell us what to wear. And while I think they’re a good guidline, there’s only ever a couple and there’s lots of different crap to choose from in these stores. Also I would feel like a complete fool and bought whatever was on the mannequins.

Instead I want a store with hot girls in it. There will be the preppy girl, the rock’n'roll girl, the jock girl, the business girl, and you will choose which girl will help you shop based on the type of girl you usually date. If you already have a girlfriend, just take her with you to some other store.

After choosing the girl you’ll then tell her what you’re looking for. The girl will then do nothing but lead you around the store by the hand, ask you what your favorite colors are, and then dress you accordingly. I’m talking everything. Pants, shirts, jackets, she’ll get you as many different outfits as you want.

There’ll be some sort of equation like for every pair of pants she gets you a 3 shirts and a jacket type thing that match. Or a sweater, or whatever. The idea being that you don’t have to go shopping again for that season for at least 2 years.

This doesn’t even have to be in a store. It could be a service, like an escort service. You call up and say “yeah I’m gonna need Sandy today for a couple hours. My vacation is coming up and I need clothes, also people at the office are making fun of my Skidz and Zubaz.”

Guys who have girlfriends are truly lucky in this respect. I don’t think I’ve met one girl who’s entire day wasn’t brightened by me saying “ugh, I need some new clothes.” I think that statement is more powerful than any other in a relationship including “I love you” and it might even be more signifigant than an orgasm (though, not 2 orgasms or more).

Until the day comes when my store is built, escort service is created, or some poor girl is stupid enough to date me again, I guess I’ll continue dressing like an idiot (or wearing the stuff I got with my last girlfriend’s supervision).

“Musically, we are more talented than any Bob Dylan. We are more talented than Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger … I’m the new Elvis.” - Pilatus (aka, Milli)

Go ahead, read it one more time. Ok, NOW you can laugh your ass off.

In the late 80’s Milli Vanilli took the world by storm. Despite being completely knocked by every critic on the planet, their album produced 5 number 1 hits. That’s FIVE number one hits. The good part is that eventually the plug was pulled (quite literally) on their act and after they were exposed, hilarity ensued. Record Labels offered refunds on their albums and ticket prices to anyone who “thought they were actually singing.” In order to prove to the public they could do it, Milli Vanilli did a live acoustic performance. One critic even said they sang better than the dude on the album. So, in order to finish out their contract, they decided to do another album as Fab and Rob. Here’s a brief synopsis of what happened shortly thereafter.

“In 1991 a despondent Pilatus attempted suicide; five years later, he was charged on eight counts of allegedly attacking and threatening two people in separate incidents. Under court order, he later entered a drug treatment facility. In 1998, a year after Morvan told VH1 that he and Pilatus were deceived into fronting Milli Vanilli, Pilatus was found dead in a Frankfurt hotel room after consuming alcohol and pills.”

That brings us to 2005 and the Ashlee Simpson’s newest release. Just when you thought the record industry was getting better, here she is! That’s right, the same girl did the same stupid shit and yet the record companies are still investing millions into her advertising campaigns (in case you hadn’t notice). I believe she is even appearing on SNL again for their season opener.

Call me stupid, but, shouldn’t Ashlee be somewhere in rehab? Or shouldn’t she have overdosed? Or at the very least, shouldn’t she be her big sister’s gardener or boob-adjuster or something?

Ashlee Simpson, you have as much place in the music world as our good friends Milli Vanilli. Please take Milli’s lead and kill yourself, because you’re sure not doing any good alive.

Throughout my very brief existence of living here on planet earth I have become incredibly interested in the power of thought and thinking to help shape someone’s character (and thusly, his or her life). I literally just put down a book called “The Magic of Thinking Big” by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D.

If you don’t like self-help books (and I think they should be called personal growth books) and you don’t typically buy into them, then maybe it isn’t for you. But if you are looking to change the way you think from negative to positive, and if you are willing to make a change, I highly recommend this book.

When I bought this thing I had been having the worst summer of my life. Literally. No job, no money, and very few prospects. I felt really trapped by my own brain and also by my surroundings (my Dad tends to be very negative about most everything, my mother tends to be skeptical). I went on Amazon and typed in something like “thinking” or “power of thought” or maybe both.

Since I’ve been reading the book, my tips at work (waiter) have gotten better, I’ve gotten along with people much better, I have watched less TV and in general have gotten more done. I have been more motivated to actually get things accomplished instead of saying “someday this” or “maybe soon I’ll that.”

I’m not saying it has changed me into a completely different person overnight, but it has made a big difference so far and I’m going to continue to apply its principles because I am so pleased with how things have turned out with just the little things I have done so far.

If you do buy this book, you do have to realize it was written quite some time ago. The author makes reference to a milkman, door-to-door salesmen, and WWII here and there. What I think is great, is that the ideas and suggestions still apply to everything that happens today…except for the “big” salaries he mentions which typically are in the range of 30 thousand or so.

At any rate I’m gonna put the book link on my sidebar so just click it and it will take you to its page on Amazon. I think I literally spend 4 dollars cause I got it used. It’s a worthwhile investment, especially if you’re open to these kinds of things.

Ladies and Gentlemen I would like to announce to you all that I have received a job offer. That’s right, the time has come. My search was arduous but I’m happy to report that Nonstop Music has offered me a position in their NYC office! I am really QUITE excited.

I haven’t officially accepted the offer yet, but I am 99 percent sure that I will. For those of you who know me personally, I’ll be sending out an email with my new contact information.

Thanks for all your support, well wishes, suggestions, advice, and contacts.

Have you ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond? If you haven’t, do yourself a favor and do two things -

1) Read this post - I’m about to sum up every episode
2) Never think of it again - you’ll save yourself valuable time.

You see while I’ve chuckled here or there during an episode, I’ve laughed harder and longer just watching my dog walk around the house. Shit, I’ve laughed harder at just watching JB and Erik walk around the house.

The main characters in the show are Ray’s wife, his two parents, and his brother, Robert (and of course Ray). Ray lives with his wife, Deborah, and his two parents live next door with the brother Robert living in the basement.

Every episode begins with Raymond doing something his wife won’t like, but hiding it from her. Occassionally they’ll throw in the episode where the wife will mess up - but Raymond will fuck that up too and eventually he’ll end up in the hot seat anyway.

Ok, so here we are, Raymond has fucked something up and his wife doesn’t know. Inevitably he will tell her some lie about his childhood or some other seemingly private tale that no one else would know - well at least no one that isn’t in his immediate family. Then, later in the episode, either his parents or his brother will burst in (being the only ones privvy to this information), inform Deborah of the lie while Raymond isn’t there, then Ray will be in trouble.

The rest of the episode will involve the following:

1. Deborah gets mad at Ray’s mom.
2. Robert gets jealous of Raymond.
3. Ray’s mom dotes on him.
4. Ray’s dad will insult Ray’s mom by calling her: Ugly, Fat, or insinuating she’s a sex fiend.
5. Ray’s mom will call his dad: Stupid or Lazy
6. Ray’s mom will insult Deborah’s: Cooking, Parenting

At the end of the episode all will be forgiven and Raymond will end up asking his wife for sex. She will of course turn him down.

Now I’d like to give a brief character summary for each of the main characters:

Raymond - a bumbling idiot who never learns. Occasionally he’ll have a funny line, and his timing is good, but typically you just want to cut his throat for being an incompetant human being.

Deborah - a cold-hearted, sexless bitch. She gets mad at the most ridiculously small things and forgives Ray for the most stupid things. She never wants to have sex. Yeah, I’m gonna get married real soon.

Ray’s Mom (Marie) - A fat mom who is meddling and stupid. She’s never funny and often takes offense to things as easily as Deborah.

Ray’s Dad - Funniest character on the show. He’s crude and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Once in a while there will be a heartfelt moment with him, but I can easily over look these as Frank is easily the most amusing personality.

Robert - a pessimistic police officer who hates being really tall. Gimme a break. No way this dude wouldn’t have been at LEAST a star college athlete. Constantly jealous of Ray because of his wife and family and the mom’s doting. More miserable than Raymond, but not as bumbling.

The Kids - Raymond has kids you say? Yes he does. They are largely ignored in every single show except for brief periods when they’re used to display Ray’s terrible parenting or to get a cheap “awww” moment.

Given the above information, I present to you my Everyone Love Raymond script:

In the opening scene, Raymond burns down the house. Deborah comes home:

Deborah: You fucking dick! You burnt down the house!
Raymond: I, uh….well you see….bah bah bah duuuuuuuuhhhh…when I was growing up I was always….I always liked fire and my brother Robert, he would never let me play with matches. So I decided to.
Deborah: Oh Ray, you never got to play with matches? That’s okay.

Ray goes out to…I dunno, crash the car or something.

Robert enters the kitchen in which Deborah is cooking.

Robert (in his low, idiotic baritone): Hey Deborah. I sure am sad that my girlfriend/wife/dog/police partner left me. I hate living at home.
Deborah: Hey you fucking cunt. Ray burned down the house, I can’t cheer you up now. You should’ve let him play with matches years ago.
Robert: WHaa? Ray played with matches all the time. Did he lie to you?
(Robert takes great amusement in the fact that Ray will be in trouble - even though it happens every fucking day).
Deborah: No sex for him!

Ray enters followed by his parents.

Ray: whaaaaaaa, hey honey. How….how are you….buuuhhh.?
Deborah: You lied you asshole! You’ve played with matches, I can’t believe I felt sorry for you!
Ray: ROBERT! WHY DID YOU TELL HER!
Ray’s Mom: She’s a bad cook, Frank, you are lazy!
Ray’s Dad: At least I’m not a fat old bitch, biatch!
Ray: Look Deborah, I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have lied.
Deborah: Oh Ray, accidents happen…fucker.
Ray: Let’s have seeeeeeex! bu-duuuuuuh!!
Deborah: NO WAY!

THE END

And that my friends, is every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Years ago my friend Tom bought a brand new computer from this brand new computer company called Dell. It was a Pentium 75 with 4MB of RAM. His older brother, a bit of a derelicht, named Matt, ended up buying a video game for that computer called Doom 2. When my dad bought our first computer a little bit later, I managed to snag Tom’s copy of Doom 2 and we played over the modem. It was awesome. Years later, in 2004, Doom 3 comes out. I haven’t really played it much because of the insane computer requirements, but it seems equally as awesome as the old one did back then.

The plot of the video game is that you are a Marine (a space marine) armed with various weapons and a portal to hell has been opened. It is your job to kill all the beasties and of course, save the day. The end guy being, if I recall correctly, the Devil.

There is a new movie out called Doom. Doom is based on the new version of the video game.

Just to remind you, here are a few other movies that were based on video games:

1. Mortal Kombat
2. Super Mario Brothers
3. Mortal Kombat II
4. Street Fighter
5. Tomb Raider
6. Double Dragon
7. Tomb Raider II
8. Final Fantasy

Okay, that should be enough to help you realize how well movies based on video games do. So in the spirit of knowing that Doom the movie will be terrible, I’ve decided to list some one-liners that will be uttered by the Rock throughout the film.

1. “We’re Doomed”
2. “You’re Doomed”
3. “See you in Hell”
4. “Marines, let’s get ready to Doom it up!”
5. “Hey baby, Doome”
6. “You’re so Devil-may-care!”
7. “Who wants Deviled eggs?”
8. “…between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea*”
9. “Doomy doomy doom doom! Hell!”
10. “Everybody! Go play the video game Doom!”

I urge everybody to go see this movie. I promise all of those lines will be used. I also promise you will hate the movie unless you are drunk when you’re watching it. I plan to be drunk if I ever see this film. I bet you could even do a drinking game before you even saw the movie - everytime there’s a reference to the video game, drink. Every time the reference is a bad pun, drink 2.

*This line will also reference another terrible movie, deep blue sea.

Alright kids, I know you’ve been wanting me to post for a while. When you get as much fan mail as I do (none) it becomes apparent how completely useless your blog is. Luckily, I think I’m pretty great. Here are a bunch of things that have crossed my mind of late, or events that have occurred in my life.

1) Job stuff - well I still haven’t heard from Nonstop Music in NYC. I was supposed to hear early this week at the latest so I have no idea what they’re doing. I’ve phoned twice and sent an email - nothing. Just two days ago I had my two interviews with the library of congress in Washington, DC.

First I’d like to mention that on the way down my phone rang - my bluetooth headset auto answered and I said “Hello?” The area code was a 212 - sweet. I thought it would be the call from Nonstop. Instead it was a bit of a surprise. A really good-natured person I’ve been in contact with at EMI Music Publishing in NYC has been nice enough to send me job postings when she gets them. About a week ago I applied for a job at Razor&tie (they do like compilation NOW type albums). Well the phone call was from the guy to whom I sent my resume. He said “we pretty much filled that position the next day because it was an internal referral, but I was wondering if you’d be interested in any positions in the future and if I could keep your resume on file.” Of course I said yes and was generally fired up that I’m FINALLY getting some calls about jobs - even though the jobs don’t yet exist. Back to DC…

Both interviews, I feel, went extremely well. I am fully qualified for the jobs (they’re both basically the same, but in different areas) and I made a good impression. I know you know there’s a but, so here it is:

BUT

The jobs would be incredibly boring. I’d be trained throughout my first year, analyzing copyright claims and making sure they were correct…that’s it. That’s all. Sitting in a cube, interacting with no one, doing boring paperwork. I asked the six people in the interviews what they liked best about the job. Their answers? Free-time, good vacation, good medical, reimbursement for public transportation. I thought to myself - “wait a minute, didn’t I ask what they liked about the JOB?!” Everything they mentioned was entirely unrelated to the actual work to be performed. Also they were all huge nerds. We’re talkin’ bow-ties, skinny, even braces. It was unreal.

Two more things about DC. I would love to work there if I could find a job I’d be happy with - mainly because I have a lot of friends in the area. When I was leaving my car and walking to the Madison building however, I caught myself thinking the following:

“Man, this would be a really great place to live…but its not New York City.”

And as I walked into the Madison building, and into the room where I’d be interviewing (and working if I got the job) I caught myself thinking this:

“I don’t want this job.”

I could just tell.

When I got home from Washington I checked my email expecting nothing too great, what did I find? Yet another job interview! I couldn’t believe it. The Harry Fox Agency in NYC had yanked the resume I sent them in May. I called the woman back and so a week from Tuesday I’m headed back to New York to try my hand with another company.

It’s really nice to be making at least SOME progress in the real world. I’m starting to think I may be gainfully employed sooner than I think.

2) Lee Corso -

Lee Corso is the oldest stupidest man on the face of the earth. He refers to our beloved Joe Paterno as “Joe Pa-pa” and generally makes idiotic comments and the worst predictions since Charlie Manson (though I like to think Mr. Manson is a better person). In fact, I hear that Lee Corso once fucked a pig…I forget where I saw that though.

3) Friends are great. I love making friends and talking to people. They all know such different things and are interested in such different activities, I love asking questions and learning things from them. It’s also fund to get drunk with them.

4) I am old. I’m reminded every day by certain 20 year-olds (some of whom have just turned 20) who enjoy rubbing it in. It’s tough to be 25 in a town where most kids are struggling to be 21.

5) Underarmour commercials are really fuckin’ stupid. It’s like a rap video without any rap. I don’t even really know what else to say. Why does that one guy have to shout? No, we get it, protect your house, but at least be quiet. You’ll disturb the other houses in the neighborhood.

6) Penn State football rules. I really thoroughly enjoy it and am looking forward to trouncing Ohio State Next week.

7) Small football celebrations. Okay, this is pretty damn funny. Whenever you watch football, the most minor player will do an idiot celebration after the slightest good play…it doesn’t matter how much they’re losing by, how many times they’ve fumbled or caused mishaps earlier, these guys are generally happy they’ve managed to knock someone over. Let me say that again. These guys, these 6 feet plus guys who weigh at least 250 lbs, are PROUD they were able to knock someone, someone who is typically 5′11″ and 185 lbs, down. In fact they’re so proud they, the 6 foot plus, 250 plus lb guy, does a little dance or a goofy walk. Here are what I have named some of these dances and walks -

- The poopy pants shuffle - this is when the celebrator is kind of sqautting like he pooped a little, or is holding in a poop, or is shaking off a poop…or something. Something has gone wrong with poop and he’s trying to keep it in his pants.

- The “I can’t Walk”, walk - this is after the hit, the guy remains on his feet, but begins to take long low strides and then gradually raises back up to normal walk-mode. It sort of looks like he’s pretending he’s crippled, but don’t worry, he’s just joking. How could a crippled person make such a tooth-rattling hit?

- No, no, no - In this celebration, the player emphatically shakes his head, waves his arms, and stomps slowly about with a wide-legged stance. I guess the idea is to indicate that no, indeed your foolish play won’t work! But i mean, hindsight is 20/20. It would take real balls to do it before the ball was snapped, and then make it happen.

- Team jumping - this is typically after a long run. The guy who ran will typically get nailed and then let his momentum carry him quickly back on his feet. He will then hop up and down in place while his teammates, seeing this and becoming jealous of the hopping, will run at and usually into him. Then they’ll all start hopping around together for a few minutes in a big group hug-like circle. Sometimes it involves slapping each other, sometimes it doesn’t.

- I can’t hear you - This one I think is stolen from Hulk Holgan. The player, after a big tackle, will rotate his wrist a few times, then put his hand to his ear as if he can’t hear the crowd - who should be cheering him for his awesome feat. It was gay then, its gay now.

Okay, I think that’s all I’ve come up with for now. I’ll do my best to post more often, but as usual I make no promises.