I FOUND A PLACE TO LIVE!
Not sure when I move in yet folks, but I’ll be living on the Lower East Side. Not the best location (a little far) but the price is good, the place is a good size, and damnit, it’s city time. I’ll be about a 10 minute walk from the East Village.
New York I have figured you out, the question is, are you ready for me?
Dear Penn State,
Thank you for being awesome. Thank you for having the best football coach to ever patrol a sideline. Thank you for a great rushing offense. Thank you for a quarterback who can do it all. Thank you for a defense that simply does not allow opposing offenses to operate. Thank you for winning the Big Ten, no matter what those whiners at Ohio State say. Thank you for representing the Big 10 in the BCS. Thank you for keeping me fired up every Saturday. Thank you for the hottest girls the world has ever seen. Thank you for more bars per capita than any other city in the United States of America. Thank you for tradition. Thank you for honor. Thank you for creating football players who are classy, polite, and smart. Thank you for never receiving an NCAA violation. Thank you for my undergraduate education. And most importantly, thank you for making me proud, day in and day out.
Love,
Andy
Here are some words followed by their translations. These were all taken from an IM conversation I was typing to a friend of mine. Since I am drinking alone, I found them hilarious.
kingofspills (6:11:33 PM): other words written in a british accent?
kingofspills (6:11:34 PM): sure
kingofspills (6:11:37 PM): here we go:
kingofspills (6:11:40 PM): chim’ney
kingofspills (6:11:46 PM): souf
kingofspills (6:11:50 PM): (south)
kingofspills (6:12:00 PM): suhvern (southern)
kingofspills (6:12:10 PM): oi! (hey!)
kingofspills (6:12:32 PM): alyouminium (aluminum)
kingofspills (6:13:36 PM): football (soccer)
kingofspills (6:14:17 PM): guvnah (governor)
kingofspills (6:14:28 PM): things in a boston accent:
kingofspills (6:14:37 PM): chowdah (chowder)
kingofspills (6:14:45 PM): chackle (charcoal)
kingofspills (6:15:01 PM): Bahston (boston)
kingofspills (6:15:23 PM): stoah (store)
kingofspills (6:15:44 PM): whoah (whore)
kingofspills (6:15:56 PM): things in a penn state accent:
kingofspills (6:16:02 PM): michael robinson (awesome)
kingofspills (6:16:05 PM): tony hunt (awesome)
kingofspills (6:16:11 PM): defense (awesome)
kingofspills (6:16:20 PM): ohio state (bitches)
kingofspills (6:16:27 PM): michigan (little girl whores)
kingofspills (6:16:33 PM): ladies (hot)
kingofspills (6:16:49 PM): state college (town with copius bars and drinking establishments)
kingofspills (6:17:05 PM): kind of drunk (hammered by everyone else’s standards)
kingofspills (6:17:14 PM): drunk (dead by everyone else’s standards)
kingofspills (6:17:34 PM): really drunk (dead, come alive again, then died again by everyone else’s standards)
That is all.
Inevitably your life comes to a screeching halt. There’s no rhyme or reason and there’s nothing you can do. Surprisingly enough, my standstill was reached almost immediately after starting my new job.
It wasn’t the job itself and certainly not the city, but in fact the crux of the matter is that I am still somewhere between State College and New York. Physically and mentally (no doubt because of the physicality of it all). Here I sit in Boonton, New Jersey on a Friday night, clinging to the internet for all its possible outlets.
Not having a place to call home is quite possibly the single most taxing experience that I have been through. I stay at my Uncle’s place, and while he and my Aunt couldn’t be nicer and couldn’t go out of their way more, this makes me feel just as uncomfortable as if they hated me, and the crew from the Poser Mobile service were my “friends” and coming over to hang out here every night. I feel like a complete burden. They don’t allow me to help them with chores and everything I need is not only supplied, it’s overwhelmingly thrust at me (making me feel bad to say “no.”). My diet has suffered due to the incredible amounts of food that are prepard for me and my exercise level has suffered because of the extraordinary amount of time my commute into the city takes (1.5 hours one way) and the lack of a nearby gym.
The commute also lends itself to me having to get up over 2 hours earlier than I would normally have to, and return home 2 hours later than I normally would. That basically means another 4 hours is tagged onto my “work day.” This causes an amazing amount of fatigue, lack of free time, and generally feeling lousy.
There is a longing to be home in State College for the first time in a long time. Not because I necessarily miss home, but because it IS a home. I feel right there, not accepted per se, but not in the way is more like it. I met some great people this summer/early fall and miss hanging out with them too. I talk to them and hear about them going out and I miss it. I miss being able to go out. To have the ABILITY to go out. I mean, I even have MONEY and I can’t GO OUT.
I know what you’re thinking. “Andy, it’s fucking New York, you’re making excuses, go out and meet people!” But I’d really like to stress that at this point in time it is just logistically impossible. I’m so tired from getting up so early and having a such a long day, that by the time my work day in the city is done, I am weary. Weary from working, weary from being up early, apathetic due to lack of exercise, and weary knowing I still have an hour and a half before I get home. The last train I can possibly catch home is at 11:40, putting me home shortly after 1am. Not so bad? Try staying up from 7:15am to 1am sometime after putting in a full day’s work. It’s a mess. Keep in mind if I want to go out, I also have to stay in the city. I have to literally kill time, probably a couple of hours, until its actually “time” to go out. Perhaps you can see the connundrum I’m in.
So why don’t I find an apartment? The problem is two-fold. Not only do I have to FIND a place that’s agreeable (a feat in and of itself), but then the roommate who is offering it has to like me enough to offer me the spot. Tomorrow night I’m hanging out with one such roommate (this is roughly 3 weeks after I originally saw the place) and so I’m HOPING this one turns out well. There will be a very excited or very angry post on Sunday when I find out depending on the outcome.
Keep in mind I’m not complaining here at all - well except maybe how I feel not having run consistently in weeks and having over-eaten dude to guilt for turning something down - my outlook is still positive. But it is getting tough! So if you’re bored some weeknight and its before 11, give me a call. I’d love to hear from you, give my advice, tell how to do something, ANYTHING. Drunk dials are always welcome too…I plan to return them BIG TIME come move-in day in NYC.
I meant to do one of these long ago, but I completely forgot (sorry Jazz). But then The Brewer just did one and I remembered. So, here we go.
1. I think I am hilarious, especially when surrounded by my close circle of friends.
2. I consider myself overly creative and under…ly motivated.
3. Being 25 I am discovering so much. Things I miss, things I missed, things I did, and things I wish I didn’t do. It is amazing.
4. I’ve only played my trombone twice in the last 3 months, and that makes me really sad. I miss it. I miss playing quartets, big band sections, and yes, even orchestra sections.
5. Starting a relationship always scares me because I don’t like not knowing how it will turn out, so I usually tell girls right from the get go that I am jerk. Typically, though, my feedback is pretty good.
6. King of Spills is my nickname. There is no hilarious story behind this. I just spill things all the time, and just when I think I’ve relinquished my crown, I go and have a major spill.
7. Speaking frankly, I think my close circle of friends and I would honestly fit in incredibly well with the Stiller/Ferrell/Vaugh/Wilsons group. I also think if we were to all write a movie it would be funnier than anything that said group could come up with.
8. I consider all of my friends smarter than me. All of them.
9. I don’t consider all of my friends more creative than me.
10. The human mind is the most powerful tool. People use this tool to both do good, and bad, to accomplish, and to be lazy. I truly feel the more we take control of this tool, and use it positively, the more positivity will surround us, and in a larger perimeter.
11. I truly believe in Karma.
12. I believe in God, because there are so many things that go right.
13. I believe in evolution.
14. I consider myself a very true moderate.
15. Thinking can solve most any problem that isn’t directly physical, and many that are.
16. The longer I live, the more it is proven to me that life is nothing but a cycle of cycles. It’s really, really cool.
17. A lot of times when I’m by myself and walking home in the dark I think of myself as cowboy who is the fastest guns in the west, or some other kind of awesome vigilante. 3 percent of me thinks its childish, while the other 97 percent is ecstatic to still imagine like a child - a great feat.
18. I consider myself a great Ultimate Frisbee player and a good athlete in general.
19. I think more highly of people I meet who are musicians than those who aren’t.
20. I am getting over being uncomfortable about playing my songs for people, and am considering doing just that soon.
21. I compare my songs to Paul McCartney, John Mayer, Bela Fleck, and Bill Evans, and I think they are terrible and that I should throw them away.
22. I love to learn - instruments, history, trivia, anything.
23. I will be taking courses at NYU to get a certificate in graphic design, Flash, and probably final cut. I don’t know why, I guess I’ve always wanted to create with these tools.
24. So far I really enjoy my new job.
25. Being a great jazz piano player is still an ambition of mine and I plan to make it come true.
26. I miss playing in my band, and I wish I would’ve sung at least one song when I did.
27. Music reveals more of itself to me everyday of my life in a new way that I haven’t realized before. I learn more about it, and it becomes both less and more of a mystery with each bit of knowledge.
28. I miss Franklin a lot more than I thought I would. He is a great friend - funny, kind, and kind of a jerk.
29. I still do the Franklin voice - out loud - when I’m around and I think I see or hear something he’d “comment” on.
30. I eat too much.
31. Thongs and hot pants or boy shorts are so much hotter than any other kind of women’s underwear. SO MUCH HOTTER.
32. I see my parents getting visibly older for the first time. I hear it in their voices and see it in their faces. It makes me sad.
33. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been a good son.
34. I can’t wait to pay my parents back someday, in some big way.
35. Sometimes I really think I’m ready to meet someone and get married, sometimes I can’t imagine ever getting married. This is really scary because 2 years ago, I never thought about it at all.
36. Would never dream of having kids yet. They still really annoy me.
37. I love hilarious movies more than anyone should.
38. Laughing is probably my favorite thing to do. Laughing so hard your sides and stomach hurt, you face hurts, your eyes tear up, and you can’t breathe. There is nothing more fun than that. It is pure.
39. I make fun of people a lot. Sometimes its really really harsh. I never ever mean it.
40. I think I’m one of the coolest drunks you could ever be around, and I think my friends would all agree with that.
41. My friends are the coolest drunks to be around.
42. No one calls me. No one writes me email. No one IMs me. This is generally, not an exaggeration. Most all of my communications are started by me.
43. I love getting phone calls, probably because it makes me happy that someone is thinking about me enough to want to talk to me.
44. Sleeping with woman is my idea of a good night’s sleep.
45. Especially if I’m tired from some sort of sexual precursor.
46. I’m a giver.
47. When I was a kid in school, they had these really long urinals that stretched down to the floor. I used to pee through the kid’s legs in front of me so I didn’t have to wait.
48. I always say jokes that only I or my friends would get out loud, whether there are others around or not. The people never get it, and I always try to explain the joke to them further anyway, and it never helps. I also find that hilarious and laugh harder at it.
49. I speak Italian pretty fluently, even after a couple years of not doing it everyday, and am always surprised that I’m still able to do it.
50. My love of PSU football has rekindled for me this year - it hasn’t been around since 8th grade.
51. I have two favorite alcoholic drinks: Chianti, and Bombay Saphire.
52. I recently finished Stephen King’s “It” and it made me laugh and choke up more than it made me scared. But it when it did scare me, it was terrifying.
53. One day I’d like to write a children’s book, I’m not sure why.
54. I had a dog when I was a kid named Chopper
55. I play trombone, bass, guitar, piano and a tiny bit of drums.
56. I know more about computers than most people i know.
57. I know more about electronics than most people i know.
58. I consider myself a huge dork, but would never call myself a nerd.
59. Seinfeld will always be my favorite sitcom. It is, as The Brewer put it, “The Golden Standard” against which all other sitcoms are judged.
60. Talking dirty is not a strong point of mine, it makes me feel awkward.
61. Surprisingly, I run pretty fast at top speed.
62. While others find Craigslist helpful in finding a place to live, I’ve found it utterly maddening and don’t recommend it…though it seems to be the only thing you can use if you don’t want to pay out the nose.
63. I’ve never gotten in a real fight.
64. If I ever get mugged in New York, I’ve decided I’m going to act completely insane, and just go for doing as much harm to the assailant(s) as possible. I think I could scare the shit out of someone and really do some damage - and possibly save other people from muggings - if I acted this way.
65. Aside from all the obvious shallow things, a smart girl really turns me on. I love women who can make me think, fascinate me, and always have something worth-while to say.
66. Those T-Mobile “Poser-Mobile” commercials are hilarious and I always laugh out loud at them.
67. My favorite kind of music is Jazz, but I will listen to anything twice.
68. I think I’m a pretty good singer.
69. Vince Vaughn is my social role-model.
70. John Mayer is my song-writing role-model.
71. McCartney is my musical role-model.
72. I know I am going to be a great success at whatever it is I end up doing the longest.
73. It drives me insane when people don’t call or email back after I call or email them.
74. I think the mom on the show “Yes, Dear” whose name is Kim on the show, incredibly gorgeous. Sorry Jennifer Aniston, you’re out.
75. Local TV commercials annoy the bejesus out of me. They’re such poor quality all around.
76. Remembering names is definitely not something I do well the first time I meet someone. The second time, I’m golden.
77. Waking up to answer a phone call from one of my friends is one of the simple pleasures in my life.
78. Jay-Z is one of my favorite Artists.
79. When I was in elementary school, 5th grade I think, I got hit by a bus. For real.
80. My head has been cracked open three times.
81. Half of the thumb on my right hand was dangling by not very much skin at one point. It was sewn back on.
82. 24, Prison Break, and Family Guy are my favorite current shows.
83. Jerry Seinfeld is my humor role-model.
84. Ross was easily the funniest character on Friends.
85. Laguna Beach, the Real World, and similar shows, are complete trash and a total waste of time. I thought that maybe I only think this because I’m getting older, but I still laugh uproariously at the word “poop.” My opinions, therefore, must be based solely on quality of programming.
86. Some point this Spring, I will most likely be going abroad for 9 days, I’m so excited to return to Europe.
87. The French don’t get anything right, except IP laws, some cheese, bread, and some wines.
88. I find politics utterly hilarious at this point in time. There seem to be only extremes and no compromise from either side, leaving people furious and irritated, and the American public disgusted.
89. Lately I’ve been learning more about my family’s history. It is pretty interesting. Apparently my mom’s gradfather on her dad’s side had an accident in the mines, metal plates put in his head (consider the time period - late 1800’s), and then went slowly insane and died 4 years later. He was 34.
90. Women still confuse me everyday of my life, and I love it.
91. I prefer to take the stairs rather than the elevator.
92. On the football team in 8th grade i played tight end and defensive tackle.
93. In an IM Basketball game in high school, I hit a game-winning 3-point shot. The 3-pointer is not my specialty, in fact, my percentage is probably only about 20 in a game situation…if that.
94. Sometimes the funniest thing you can say to someone is to purposely misinterpret something they have said, and then wait to see if they explain it to you. The ones that explain I don’t waste my time with. The ones that laugh I have great respect for.
95. I am on Instant Messenger almost at all times.
96. People have told me I look like: Andy Roddick, Tom Everett Scott, and some dutch soccer legend. I don’t see the Roddick one at all, the others I generally agree with…what about Ryan Reynolds?
97. I didn’t drink until I turned 21. Since then, I haven’t stopped drinking. I’m pissed I didn’t do it more before that.
98. Being honest is something that I try to do all of the time. I like to think I succeed for the most part…unless I’m trying to be funny.
99. I wear boxer briefs.
100. I am almost positive that all of my good, good friends will get married before me. I don’t find this good or bad, I just think that’s the way it will work out.
Me either. But I want to try a little experiment. Lately I’ve come up with some little one liners that I can easily picture Mssr. Vaughn uttering in a movie to the audiences great delight.
My experiment is to post a one-liner in my blog, and then see, if by word of mouth, if I can get him to say it in a movie. How cool would this be? I think it’s an awesome idea. I also think it will work. Especially because the line is really perfect for him. In fact, I feel like if I knew Vince Vaughn personally, we would be the best of friends and we’d hang out with Will Ferrell and the Wilsons and Ben Stiller and generally be hilarious and have free reign over the comedy-genre empire in the film industry.
Years and years ago when I was a sophomore in college, I thought it would be really cool to mix hip-hop and opera and call it a hip-hopera. Then like 2 years later, MTV actually produces something called a hip-hopera! I couldn’t believe it! I was sure someone saw it (I had put it in my IM profile) and word got around - I mean it was even called the same thing! Of course, it was utterly stupid because they didn’t do it the way I would have. But oh well.
So here it is folks. The first one liner. Let’s see if we can get this to Vince - ready?
scene: The group of dudes, or the dude, with whom Vince is hanging has just suffered a disheartening sort of loss; things are a little glum. Vince gives one of his non-chalant but encouraging impromptu speeches, then says
“now let’s go scare up some ass.”
I’m sure at the end of the line he’d throw in a little extra so it’d turn out something like -
“now let’s go scare up some ass. Daddy’s had 6 beers and its time to get a little crazy.”
But you all get the idea.
Now I just have to sit back and wait for it to get to him.
Whatever happened to having a protractor? Do you remember protractors? I remember protractors. They were like a ruler, with a curve attaching either end, forming a half circle. They came in different sizes too. I got big ones I could put in my hands to make it look like I had axe hands, but that’s not what they were for.
Protractors were used to form angles. You’d put a little dot at the different degrees and then you could draw your angle. It was pretty stupid. Accurate? Maybe. Precise? Enough. Useful? No.
The protactor was something you didn’t need very often, but when you needed it, you ineveitably didn’t have it…or the half circle had broken off one of the ends and your protractor was damaged. A damaged protractor, however, was about as useful as a brand new, undamaged protractor.
I can’t remember the last time I used a protractor. I remember the protractor itself, it was a clear sort of light blue. But not like a girly blue, the shade was dark, but you could see through it. I broke it. But of course continued to use it…or rather, house it in my pencil box in case I needed to use it. Unless I needed to use it - before that point in time, probably just minutes or so, I would have stowed it in my locker because I had decided it was pointless to carry around.
I always wondered about the name of the protractor. Protractor. Pro and tractor. Pro Tractor.
Man: Excuse me kind sir, are you for, or against tractors?
Sir: Why, I’m Pro-tractor!
Together: Hahahaha!
Or maybe…
Man: Excuse me, I need a tractor. But not one the laymen use.
Sir: I have a pro-tractor you could use.
Together: Hahahaha!
Or even…
Man: Excuse me, do you like basketball players?
Sir: Why yes!
Man: Hmm. This is all very intriguing. What are your feelings about Robert “The Tractor” Traylor?
Sir: Why, I’m Pro-Tractor for the Pro, Tractor.
Together: *stoic glares*
You see? What good has a protractor done anyone? I’ll answer for you. None. Protractors are useless. Don’t buy one. Not for yourself, not for your kid, not for Robert Traylor. Because you don’t need them…and neither do they…and neither do you.
This morning as I was walking to work I passed a number of what i would describe as “hoodlums” “toughs” “gangstas” or “douchebags.” I am just baffled at the love of wearing clothes that are just gigantic on you. I mean baffled.
I thought as these guys passed me, there were three of them (and different races too I might add), how tough they must feel. How cool they must think they look. And how confident they must be to wander around looking like someone put THEM in the dryer too long.
I also noticed that they all had what I like to call “struts,” “cool walks,” “hip shuffles,” or “no belts.” These guys were all walking like one leg was seriously injured and it was being supported by a string attached to their neck. This string of course pulled their heads down to the side and caused their opposite-side arms to jack up and swing back and forth. The other arm is used strictly for holding up their pants (usually aided by tucking the front of the shirt only - NOT the sides or back - into the front of their pants exposing an huge belt buckle…no LCD display though).
Now, because their heads were being pulled down by the string supporting their leg, they had to compensate their hat wearage. The hats were slanted to the opposite side, placed, no, BARELY resting on the tops of their heads. The brims were perfectly straight.
My final thoughts as I walked past these guys was the following:
These guys think they’re really tough. That they could kick anyone’s ass. I can see it on their faces.
I have never been less afraid of someone in my life. I thought that if they came after me their limps would severely inhibit their mobility and their clothes falling off with severely limit their speed. Also they probably would be afraid to get their “kickin’ threads” dirty.
I’ve noticed that on TV shows featuring lawyers at trial they only ever reference the first few ammendments.
I’ve noticed that i hate old cartoons. Why? Because they’re terrifying.
I’ve noticed that rent in Harlem, is really not any cheaper than in Manhattan - especially considering the lousy neighborhoods and matching clientele.
I’ve noticed that when you think you sound stupid, no one else seems to notice.
I’ve noticed the feeling that something is behind you, because I’ve started reading Stephen King’s “It”
I’ve noticed that if a girl wears thongs primarily, I tend to like her more than girls that don’t (based on personality) - I’ve noticed that is entirely weird and I’ve also noticed a strong desire not to post it, but I will.
I’ve noticed that I haven’t exercised in like a week and a half.
I’ve noticed that other people regard my Master’s degree with greater respect than I tend to, and I’ve noticed I should change that to match them.
I’ve noticed my negative thinking to be gradually slipping away.
I’ve noticed feeling better.
I’ve noticed that people are very happy to hear you say “I don’t know, but I’ll find out and get back to you soon” - much happier than they’d be if you BSed an answer immediately.
I’ve noticed that it’s more fun to dress up for Halloween and be something entirely uncreative, than it is to say “I never have good costume ideas” and not dress up at all.
I’ve noticed that I sometimes have a really tough time coming up with things to talk about with people, and other times its a breeze. I’ve noticed no particular reason or pattern to this.
I’ve noticed that State College is not such a bad town…but it still doesn’t offer what I need from a location.
I’ve noticed that work is great, and it makes me happy to go there.
I’ve noticed that the weather in New York, is much nicer than the weather in State College.
I’ve noticed I am too tired to stay up any longer.