Well, at least I think I’m funny.

This week has been and will continue to be a good week for me at work. The reasons are many but basically it boils down to me taking Friday off, and, most importantly, my office manager’s battle with a rhinovirus.

I work in the office with just him, so when he’s not here I have free reign of the territory. Don’t get me wrong, I like having my boss around. He’s a good guy and we get along, but sometimes it’s nice to have the place to yourself. Its pretty cool for me as I get to keep the thermostat where I want, can get up and walk around, crank my music up, dance, pee in the corner, throw things, catch things, and host elegant tea-parties and act the part of a proper gentleman. But what gets to me is that he’s still sick and came into the office today.

My immune system is pretty awesome. It’s like the pirates ninjas of immune systems. I’m talkin’ throwing stars, nunchucks, katanas coming at any sort of foreign threat. My lymph-nodes are to viruses what talent is to Damon Wayans. But the long and short of it is, don’t come to the freakin’ office if you still sound like you’ve crammed a sock in your nose and your orificium are still leaking more fluid than…a…a…something that leaks a lot of fluid.

If you’re one of those peoples who would rather go to work and be sick then use a sick day, remember: You’re not staying home for you, you’re staying home for the delight of your co-workers.

Living in New York has taught me a lot of things so far - like how to take a zombie’s head clean-off with a shotgun, or how to trap and cook rat when your paycheck runs out 3 days after you get it. But all-in-all it has taught me how to be single.

You see, every time the weekend rolls around I typically look for something to do during the day. At first I used to look for something at night too, but that has gradually gotten better as I actually get invited out now (well, most of the time anyway). But being single in Manhattan can get pretty old as when you want to say, go to a movie, the zoo, a museum, a jazz show, whatever, you have to do it alone. I even find myself walking to places just because it will take up more time that I’m not just sitting in my apartment flipping through the channels for Felicity reruns some kind of sport.

I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about and it’s not a strictly New York thing for sure. Just moving to a new city it takes time to make those really good friends. You know, that person you can call just to hang up on because you think it’s funny. Or the other person you know you can ask to do anything because their mind is just as numb as yours and they just want to get out of their apartment too.

This weekend I’m headed home. It’s a good friend’s birthday and, well, $1 for a mixed drink just kind of makes life a little sweeter (if not blurry). I’ve also got some buddies of mine from my studio in undergrad who also enjoy drinking - and sure, my parents are there too (just kidding Dad).

Anyway, this post was supposed to be about how nice and weird it is to see green and trees and mountains everywhere when I head home from the city. I guess it got kind of sentimental. But whatever. At least I didn’t resort to another Jesus and Satan dialogue.

I don’t really work in the “music industry.” I work kind of along side of it. Every so often, someone who has no clue what my company does decides to send us a demo of their CD. Typically we listen to them, have a laugh at how terrible it is, and then throw it away.

I got this one yesterday. It is quite honestly the funniest letter I have ever read. But not because of the poor grammar and obvious Miami-like language skills. But because it appears that he had his 6 year old brother write it for him. I’ve left out his contact info and last name so, if you want to contact this guy…well if you want to contact this guy you should be shot.

And the head shot….

Yes ladies and gentlemen. The most preposterous untalented 9 year old ever…from 1986.

I only wish he would’ve included a CD of himself “singing” and “playing” guitar.

My office is really classy. Alright, not really. But it isn’t so bad. It’s a big space, I don’t have a cubicle, I do have a window, we even have a box of beer hats. I’m not lying. A whole box. But we don’t have beer. I’ve been meaning to remedy that but usually I’m so hungover by the time I get to work the last thing I want is another beer.

What is not in my office is a bathroom. We’re just in a big room and the bathroom is down the hall, shared with the other small business on our floor. Before today it was run down. It was kind of like having to go to the bathroom at a gas station. Not a nice gas station like sheetz, but a run-down, Alabama bathroom. In fact, I’m really surprised I don’t have to ask for the key from a 5-toothed inbred nick-named “Shankers” because of his underdeveloped left leg and penchant for saying “Shanks!” instead of “thanks!” And when I’d ask him for the key he’d eye up my “city-clothes” and spit into a spittoon. Then he’d look at me all squinty-eyed and tell me not to steal anything. “Okay I won’t!” I’d say and roll my eyes. Then he’d threaten me and we’d become best of friends. We’d start a horse-training business and sell horses to the circus. Then, after various failed side-projects our company would go bankrupt and we’d be put in jail for tax-evasion. Then I’d kill him with a shiv in his sleep.

But today there was a big change. After I finished peeing I went to the sink to look for the hand-dispenser of soap and got ready to wipe my hands on my jeans when, upon further inspection, a soap dispenser! And not just any old soap, that fancy kind that just turns into foam when you squirt it from the machine. As I prepared to wipe my hands on my jeans, I then saw the paper towel dispenser. I couldn’t believe my eyes!

Soap AND paper towels! Things are looking up. I mean seriously, everywhere I go. Ants, dogs, Aunts, cats, people, it’s really weird. Just gazing skyward. And I say to them “what are you doing?!” And they just keep gazing skyward. I don’t know why.

But I have soap. And paper towels.

Looking for this hilarious post?

TOO BAD!

This will solve your problems…

I don’t think I’m funny today.

A few months ago I had to throw out my favorite pair of jeans and by that time, well, I hadn’t been wearing them that much anyway. So of course my second favorite pair of jeans got the upgrade to numero uno (that’s Spanish for “Favorite pair of jeans”) but, unfortunately, they too will soon have to be thrown away.

Both these pairs of jeans are the same age - just over a year old. Which I guess is okay, but for someone who is used to wearing clothes for 4-5 years, it stinks. I wouldn’t be stressing about it so much, but now ANOTHER pair of jeans is going to have to be retired soon too - and these are like less than 6 months.

I’m sure at this point you’ve moved on to another, funnier, more interesting blog. But, in the rare chance you haven’t, I’m rewarding you with the reason why I keep having to retire my denim. It’s kind of a sensitive area for me, well, it’s a sensitive area for any male really, and in this sensitive area is where my jeans tend to develop holes. They start off pretty small but they grow quickly into sizeable vents.

Now it isn’t like I go commando (well, not everyday anyway), so I can usually continue to wear the jeans until the holes really become a problem. What really gets me is that I have to buy more jeans. I hate shopping. I don’t know what looks cool and usually I just end up frustrated and empty-handed. I would just buy the same ones as my cool jeans, but they don’t have them in the discount stores anymore, and there’s no way I’m going to pay the $225 that Bloomingdale’s wants for them.

If anyone happens to know a brand of jeans which doesn’t spontaneously create it’s own ball vents, I’d be happy to hear of it. Or if you happen to know where I can get a pair of Earnest Sewn’s for around $70.

An interesting thing happened to me the other day. Well, not really interesting. In fact this whole post blog is uninteresting. Nevertheless, something happened to me the other day. Man, I really need to work on my grammar. It didn’t happen to me, it happened to my iPod. And when I say “it” happened, I mean “I” happened. Alright, so then: I happened to my iPod the other day.

If you’re wondering what that means, well, take a gander up at the web address you’re currently at. I’m called King of Spills, not because I fall down a lot, but because I am constantly knocking things over or dropping things. My iPod is no exception. The other day I dropped it 3 times.

The first time I dropped it was immediately upon coming into my office. Plop, right on the floor. It continued to work and I thought nothing of it. Then, on the subway on the way home, the cord from my headphones got caught on part of my bag and me tugging it was enough to pull the iPod free of the pocket on the side of my bag, and cause it to plummet to the ground. Again, I picked up the iPod and plugged my headphones right back in as it didn’t affect it’s performance in the slightest. Finally, on my way out of the subway, I dropped it on the concrete. Well that did it.

My computer can still see the iPod, but the display and buttons don’t work, and it emits a smell like its insides are burning. I took it apart and fiddled around by my poor-at-best iPod repair skills didn’t really help me out at all.

This is all a really long story to say that I am now back to using my standby from over 3 years ago (yes, my iPod is really old): My minidisc player. It’s not even a newer minidisc player that’s smaller and can read those extra-long play minidiscs you can stick mp3’s on. I have to record stuff to it in real-time - meaning I have to plan which album I’m going to listen to the night before I want to listen to it.

(The MZ-R50)

I really thought I would hate not having 10GB (told you it was old) of my music with me all the time. That I wouldn’t be able to skip around depending on my mood or preference for that point in time. But, I did what I had to. Naturally, since I have a strong man-love for John Mayer, I recorded his latest onto a minidisc and have been listening to exclusively it ever-since.

I forgot what it’s like to be dedicated to listening to an album. The iPod spoils people. There are definitely tracks on Continuum I know I would’ve skipped, but if I skip a song it’s a good chunk of my listening time and I won’t have music during my whole commute now.

It’s nice to focus on an album again. It really gives an appreciation for all the hard work the artist puts into it(or an understanding that maybe they didn’t put a lot of hard work into it - that they depend on a single to carry it off the shelves). The congruency of the sound is great too. To be trapped in such a small section of a given genre is actually quite liberating. It’s almost like you’re getting to know the artist better with each listen.

The other upside of the MiniDisc is the sound quality. Now, it’s true, you can’t really tell when you’re listening to strictly mp3’s all the time that they don’t sound that great. But I’m using the same crap headphones I use with my iPod, and the difference was immediately recognizeable. I get to hear so much more - different sounds, backing vocals, stuff that otherwise kind of gets lost in the mix or isn’t as clean.

Since I can’t afford a new iPod until Christmastime, it looks like I’ll be mini-discing a lot lately. So my question to you, my faithful readers¹ is - what are some good albums to check out? Don’t just list random crap, try and follow these guidelines when suggesting things:

1) Jazz is always good - I particularly like piano and guitar (Bill Evans, Pat Metheney, Kurt Rosenwinkel, Brad Mehldau)
2) I do like rock/pop/indie but it should be very melodic with high-skilled players. If you say Arctic Monkeys, I’ll kill you. I hate those guys that talk-sing (also I dislike the Strokes, and all the Strokes knock-offs that have become so popular).
3) I like sell out punk like Blink 182 and Fallout Boy (I dunno, maybe that’s sell-out Emo).
4) I’m starting to get into older country like Johnny Cash.
5) I love the White Stripes.

Alright suggest away.

¹Reader

Last night I went and got some lobster. Then, upon returning from dinner, noticed that I had “lobster hands.” You know, where all the lobster-water spills on your hands and stinks them up? Why, what did you think I meant?

I’m not a huge “music reviewer” but since my current favorite artist just had an album come out, I figured I’d give it a completely biased (well, not completely) review, track by track. Here we go.

1. Waiting on the World to Change - For some reason everytime a new single of John’s comes out, it is inevitably going to be the worst track on the album. If you only know JM’s stuff through his singles, you have some serious listening to get to. I’m not nuts about this song. Sonically its great, but the subject of the lyrics, eh, whatever. I like the use of bells, rhodes, and hammond on the track but I just happen to be partial to that kind of sound.

2. I Don’t Trust Myself - This tune has some great sounds on it. I can’t tell if it’s synths or the instruments just have cool effects on them. At any rate it’s very cool. Lately John’s had a couple tunes that have a more vintage and timeless 70’s feel to them and this is one of them. The best part is they still sound new at the same time. If you’ve ever heard Eric Tagg, this might remind you of him. Roy Hargrove makes his second Mayer album appearance with some horn lines, nothin’ too fancy. This is a great bluesy, laid-back tune. Good for enticing the ladies with.

3. Belief - I like this song a lot. You can really hear the influence the Police/Sting has had on John - I mean its glaring in this track. I’m also vaguely reminded of Seal when I listen to this tune. The chorus is probably my favorite melodic part of the song, though the lyric of it doesn’t blow me away.

4. Gravity - A studio version of the same tune from the Trio album, this song shines. John is a very tasteful guitar player - he always seems to have just enough going on, but never too much. Gravity is a great example of what makes John a fantastic guitarist. Lyrically I love this song too. A good example of how John can express his feelings so that you just “get it.” You listen to this song and say “Yeah, I been there.” It’s not love bringing him down, or anything in particular, it’s some unseen force. I like that concept. I also like the addition of the gospel/blues backers in this tune at around the 3:30 mark. A nice touch.

5. The Heart of Life¹ - One of my favorites on the album and, now, of his period. This is a really great tune. It’s a little George Harrison, a little McCartney, a little Dillon…a really nice mix of a tune. Very rustic. My favorite part of this tune is when it breaks open right around 2:25. It’s a nice release of the tension created up until that point. Great lyric and guitar solo as well. This song is great in its seeming simplicity.

6. Vultures - Another studio version of a Trio track, this is another timeless one of John. It sounds like he went back in time to write this song. I really like the lyrics for this song as well. To me this whole song is a never-quit attitude in the face of constant opposition or doubt. Pino’s bassline is great and provides a nice even-keeled drive.

7. Stop This Train¹ - The guitar reminds me of “Mother Nature’s Son” on this track. He uses a technique here on the guitar where he finger picks and hits the low string with this thumb at the same time providing a really great sound. I love the lyrics to this tune. I also like the piano interlude giving the tune a sort of Nick Drake feel. Again John’s mastery of tension and release is apparent towards the end of the tune at 3:34. Fantastic. It’s hard to find songwriting like that anywhere right now. I’d also like to note how good his falsetto sounds on this track.

8. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - Another one with an older, kind of timeless feel to it. Maybe it’s the blues of these tunes creeping out that makes me keep thinking that, I’m not sure but I like it. What I really like about Mayer’s tunes is the music suits the feeling so well. This song has its own slow burn about it. It sounds cliche but if you’re listening to the track it makes sense.

9. Bold As Love - A Hendrix cover. I think it’s done very well and by the only guitar player in the spotlight right now who’s actually good enough to pull it off. Even his sound is a close match of Jimi’s.

10. Dreaming with a Broken Heart - I’m not crazy about the piano at the beginning of this track. It doesn’t seem to be the right instrument until the chords start - the arpeggios might’ve been better suited to another sound. However, I love the chordal motion by the piano when it takes over. Not one of my favorites on the album, but in the past I’ve thought the same thing about certain tracks and then after listening to it a bunch I start to find more to like about it.

11. In Repair - “Too many hours in this midnight.” Awesome. I like this track a lot. It’s one of those where you hear the beginning and go “eh” and then it keeps getting better and better as the seconds tick on. I think this song is stronger lyrically than musically overall, but it’s a very nice tune. Kind of a tidying up of all the questioning of himself he was doing on Heavier Things.

12. I’m Gonna Find Another You - I feel like this song was written by and for Nora Jones. A really great song and the horn lines are classy. Classy like an oyster bar in New Orleans if that makes any sense. Another blues track worth its salt though it weighs in at under 3 minutes.

Overall a great new effort by John and once again he’s redefined himself. Overall these tunes are pretty radio unfriendly so you might have to saunter to the record store to grab this one to really hear all the good stuff on it.

¹My two favorite tracks on the album, at least so far.