Lying to People

Nothing is more fun than lying to people, especially when intoxicated. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fairly truthful guy and it’s not like I’m trying to lie to people to get them to sleep with me or owe me stuff or anything iniquitous. But since the weekend is coming up I figured I’d pass off one of my favorite passtimes for you all to try out this weekend – if you don’t already do it.

It works best if you go out with a couple really good friends who you know will automatically back up whatever you say and hopefully add to it. The idea is to keep the lie going, keep it believable, and try to make your partners in crime¹ break-up with laughter so that the lie is given away by the person who laughs. It seems a little ridiculous to lie merely for the pleasure of making someone else be responsible of “getting caught” but it really is a fun game. Here’s one my two roommates in Miami did one night – I can’t remember all of it word for word but this will give you the idea.

(Brewer is talking to two girls. Jables and Andy are nearby…)

Brewer: Yeah, I live with those two guys over there, we went to high school together. We all even played defense on the high school football team.

(Andy and Jables make their way over)

Andy: Dude, you telling out football stories? This guy (indicated Brewer) was nuts. We called him PF-15.

Girl 1: Why did you call him that?

Jables: Because he was constantly late-hitting people and getting personal fouls.

Andy: It was a little ridiculous, I mean these guys would clearly be out of bounds or on the ground and POW! Out of nowhere!

Girl 2: Oh geez, Brewer you don’t seem like that kind of guy-

Brewer: I know. It’s just that Strong Safety mentality. When I was out on the field I couldn’t control myself – I usually never even heard the whistle blowing the play dead.

Andy: Yeah. I remember you got thrown out of so many games – remember when you broke that guy’s collar bone?

Girl 1: Oh no!

Jables: It was unbelieveable. Stretcher and everything – Brewer was not exactly a fan favorite for the opposing team. Nor a pinnacle of sportsmanship.

Andy: Not that Jables is one to talk. Although you never really flagrant fouled, you just kind of played the dirtiest line-backer position of all time.

Girl 2: What do you mean?

Brewer: You know, face-masking, just random little dirty stuff while no one was watching. Didn’t you poke that guy in the eye once?

Jables: Dude, you should’ve heard what he called my mom. I don’t stand for that shit.

Girl 1: (to Andy) What did you do?

Andy: I was just fast as hell. I ran the forty in 3.8 seconds until I broke my ankle Jr. year. Then I was down 4.8. It sucked.

Girl 2: Isn’t that incredibly fast?

Andy: Yeah, fastest ever actually. A lot of people dogged me and said I cheated but I could catch anyone. Until the ankle injury of course. I was just never the same.

I’m gonna end it there but this was basically what we did at every party. Sometimes we’d even be in completely opposite places (like if someone lived in a house, we would be corroborating stories in the front yard that came from the back yard, etc). It would continue as long as we could keep straight faces.

Anyway, go out there and have a fun weekend. I’ll be the guy who’s the center of attnetion, talking about his days spent post-college in a Spanish Mission working as a mule for the local drug cartel.

¹NOT Partners in Kryme, the singing duo responsible for “T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!”

Chuffing: An Epidemic

You know things are serious when your best friend dies. And it’s not that my best friend died, I’m just saying that’s when you know things are serious. Your good buddy kicks off to see that big busty blonde in the sky and you just look around and say to yourself “It’s real. Yes, it’s real.”

It is going to happen to kids on playgrounds everywhere. The guy they used to pick last in kickball will no longer be around. The person they used to push on the swing will have done their last superman only days earlier. Billy’s first school crush won’t have her ponytail available for yanking, nor will he be able to sneak a peek at her underwear. And maybe at lunch time no one will be at the “cool table.”

A new epidemic has arisen in the United States and while most trundle about their everyday lives blindly to it, I would like to make my large¹ reading audience aware of its pandemic overtaking of schoolrooms everywhere. What am I talking about? You ask. Is he just making up stupid crap again? You suppose. I’m afraid it’s all too real. “It” is called “Chuffing.”

(Here we see an old photo of a middle-aged Chuffer)

Invented by the Dutch in 976 AD as a way to oust witchery from small towns, Chuffing is the act of huffing up chalk dust that has been dispelled by either grinding chalk up in a large complicated mill, or, more currently, banging erasers together. It was thought that chuffing was largely forgotten about once the majority of Dutch Witches had been chased into chasms or consumed by villager-lit forest fires at the ends of complicated traps into which they had been enticed by chuff-dust, but apparently its back.

(Here we see a demonstration of extracting a “Chuffing Cloud” from everyday blackboard erasers)

Parents in rural towns in the Midwest have been affected most so far and their cries of outrage are finally starting to be recognized by local media. They’ve had to start spanking again and they are NOT happy about it. Says Florence Mills of South Dakota about her son, Teddy:

“My son goes to West Central and yesterday when he came home he had a funny white powder all over his nose. When I asked him what it was he just ran to his room. I went through his bag and found two erasers he had stolen from school and noticed he had written in sharpie on his backpack – ‘Don’t Sotp Chuffin.’”

More stories are cropping up everyday about kids just like Teddy Mills. The kids get hooked when they’re asked to stay after school to bang the erasers out and inevitably end up inhaling vast amounts of chalk dust. Here’s what happens.

A child bangs two erasers together to disspell chalk particles into the air. Said child then steps into the cloud and inahles. The bits of chalk enter the nervous system through the lungs and the child is sent into a state of euphoria, not unlike the one achieved by hitting a homer in whiffle ball or calling their “crush” and then hanging up the phone immediately.

(Valerie Little in mid-chuff)

Valerie Little (pictured above) was kind enough to sit down and talk a little about Chuffing. Her story:

“It all started a few months ago. It was my last period of the day and I had just finished up drawing pretty stars on my social studies bookcover that I made myself out of a brown paper bag. Anyway, I was asked to stay behind and help clean out the erasers. This took about 15 minutes and I realized as I was leaving the class room I was high as a kite. I immediately told all my friends ‘our days of sniffing glue and getting high off of empty hair-spray cans is over!’ I started a local chuff-club and now it’s practically all we do.”

Sadly the mortality rate of a Chuffer versus that of a normal child is stratospheric. When will it end? Do your part and join your local PTA’s efforts to stop Chuffing. I urge you, before its too late.

¹Small

Stop This Train

This is probably one of the best songs written in the past 15 years as far as I’m concerned. It’s on Continuum, but some cool kid was lucky enough to hear this tune when it was just a baby, and tape it for the rest of us:

Jesus John

Go buy Continuum right now. It’s worth it if the only song you like is “Stop This Train.” But it won’t be. More to come…

Here’s something you haven’t needed in a while

Here’s a list of supplies you used to need on a regular basis, but probably don’t anymore:

1) A pencil box
2) A set of crayons, the more colors you have, the cooler you are.

3) A ruler
4) A new lunchbox, metal or plastic, with designated favorite cartoon on the front.

5) Of course, it also came with a thermos – useful for a cold drink, or some hot Mac&Cheese.

6) One of those small, cube-shaped pencil sharpeners

7) A couple folders with your favorite sports team/2nd favorite TV show.
8) A package of markers. Washable of course.

Anything I missed?

Crossing the Street: Harder than you’d think

Last night as I was walking home to my apartment, all full of ice cream and gnocchi, I noticed a bunch of those metal sidewalk barricades lining the block my apartment is on. After reading some vague signs about when you can’t park there and seeing no real information explaining the need for barricades.

At first I figured, since my neighborhood is largely Puerto Rican, maybe they were going to have a parade. It was then pointed out that a parade probably would not occur from 6pm-12am on a Monday night. But then I remembered how often I come home to find kids playing well past midnight and thought maybe the parade would happen.

Eventually though, I decided to just ignore it and go watch TV, like the good American citizen I am.

This morning on my typical walk to the subway the barricades were of course up, only now there was a big difference – I was boxed in on the sidewalk. The police weren’t letting anyone through. I was told that in a few minutes the presidential motorcade was going to be coming by and then they’d re-open the sidewalks.

Not really caring about getting to work on time I told the cop I’d rather be outside waiting in the sunshine than going to work anyway at which point he said “well thanks. I’ve been called every name in the book so far this morning – you’re one of the nice ones.” At this point some jerk on a bike pedals up and upon finding out he couldn’t cross the street for a whole 15 minutes he immediately started bitching and then gave up. A few minutes later he went back to the cop with a well-crafted arugment about why he should be let through.

I thought to myself “how ridiculous is it that this guy is bitching to the cop and then figured that if he had some really solid points the cop just might let him by.” I wondered if I were a cop if anyone could talk me into letting them by. I mean I’m sure someone would be able to do it but I don’t know what it would take:

Deal with it. It’s a Monday. I’ll try to be more creative come Wednesday or something.

MySpace you are indeed a sage!

MySpace bulletins are typically the stupidest things you’ll ever read, and then if you don’t repost them after reading them, you supposedly suffer a horrible calamity. Here is one that was posted today:

Blue eyes-
-People with blue eyes last the longest in relationships. They are kind, pretty or handsome & very good kissers.they always fall in love with there closest friends and never understand why, they are very funny and outgoing and don’t care what people think or say,They are very satisfying and love to please.They can EXCEED your pleasure standards.People with blue eyes are very sexy and very attracted towards the opposite sex. The best of all. If you repost this and you have blue eyes you will have the best kiss sometime in the next 5 days.

-Green Eyes-

-Sex Addicts!!!People with green eyes have the most passion put into relationships, they have long lasting relationships. People with green eyes are also the horniest and most beautiful. They long for the touch of another. People with green eyes are very sexy and very attracted towards the opposite sex. They help others in need. They are the most atrractive eyes of them all. They get envied alot but it doesnt bother them. You will meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with if you repost this.

-Hazel Eyes-

-People with hazel eyes are very loveable. They are really hott and awsome to be around. Their relationship tends to be very honest cause if they aren’t truly in love, the relationship won’t work. They are very fun to be around but don’t enjoy “pet names”. They fall easily for their best friends. Can make anyone laugh no matter what they’re mood! They don’t care what people think or say about them! They are very satisfying and love to please. They would give anything to be with their special someone! They are very laid back and chill and love to just be around. If you repost this and have hazel eyes then you will be happy soon with the person who is on your heart.

-Brown eyes-
-STRAIGHT UP PIMPS!!!!!Sexy as hell,people with brown eyes are very attractive, adorable, love to make new friends. Will do anything for that special person. Kind and polite Can make anyone laugh or cheer them up. Loves to please the one they care for or love,very good kissers, are straight up WARRIORS, repost this if you have brown eyes, and you will find the one that you are meant to be with within the next 7 days

I thought it would be really funny if only one or two of the eye-categories was complimentary and the other eye colors got totally slammed. If I were to write a similar bulletin, it would probably look something like this:

Blue eyes-
-People with blue eyes last the longest in relationships and sexual intercourse. They are kind, pretty or handsome & very good kissers. They are very talented at writing hilarious blogs that makes everyone like them. They are very funny (or at least they think so) and outgoing and don’t care what people think or say, but people care what they think and say because they’re just so darn awesome. They are very satisfying and love to please. They can EXCEED your pleasure standards. People with blue eyes are very sexy and very attracted towards the opposite sex. If you repost this and you have blue eyes you will have the best kiss sometime in the next 5 days followed by winning a free trip to Greece and, what the heck? Winning the lottery.

-Green Eyes-

-People with green eyes are at the highest risk to suffer from bear attacks, shark attacks, poor hearing, and bee stings. Though typically amiable people, they have been subjected to government tests as children due to the right-wings hatred of all things green. Often times green eyed people enjoy life, though its typically short due to the clauses outlined in the first sentence. If you have green eyes and repost this, you will be fending off 6 bee stings in the upcoming year.

-Hazel Eyes-

-People with hazel eyes are typically assholes. They frighten small children with their cacophonous bodily noises and eat only low-carb diets. Their typical occupations include: jungle cat trainer, ferris wheel operator, and convicted felon. They also smell terrible. If you repost this and have hazel eyes then you will be hit by a bus. But if you DON’T re-post it, you’ll be hit by two buses.

-Brown eyes-

-Dumbest. People. Ever. I knew this kid with brown eyes once who tried to eat a live chicken. It was outrageous. The thing pecked off his lips. People with brown eyes are regarded as slack-jawed dimwits who WISH they knew how to read because they like the glossy finish of library cards. Brown-eyed people that can read typically have no sense of direction and are tricked easily. Repost this if you have brown eyes and we’ll send you a free library card! NOT! Tricked again, jerk!

2 Fantastic Blog Ideas

That’s right, I have 2 fantastic blog ideas. Unfortunately this is not one of them. Instead I wanted to write a little bit about my recent experiences.

I got a voicemail on Sunday evening letting me know that my landlord needs his apartment back. I have until October 15th to find a new apartment. This is actually a good turn of events because I wanted to get out of my place anyway. I’m getting kind of fed up with having a roommate that isn’t a good friend…or a friend at all, and my place is a bit dumpy.

Inevitably when finding an apartment in New York one turns to Craiglist, the most useful useless internet tool on the planet. I found my last apartment on there and it has worked out in not working out. I figured I’d give it another go because I was so fortunate and so frustrated the first time around¹.

When you look for an apartment in New York, there are often times broker’s fees. For those of you who have the luxury of finding apartments without brokers let me explain how it works: YOU find the apartment on craigslist, YOU meet the broker near the place, the broker shows up, shows you the place, and expects you to immediately take it so he can make his obscenely high fee – usually 13% of a year’s worth of rent. When the apartment turns out to be a piece of garbage, the conversation goes something like this:

Broker: So, what do you think²?

Andy: Well, it’s alright, but not what I’m looking for. It’s a little smaller than I wanted, its pretty dark, the ceilings are pretty low, not enough closet space, and the rent is too high for what it is and the area its in.

Broker: Are you kidding me?! Do you know how hard it is to find what you want in this city? This is a great deal! How many other apartments do you know of for this kind of money in the city? It’s fantastic amazing! Good luck finding something better. You will fail. I hate you now! I hate you for not taking this place immediately! You are stupid! You will never find a place to live! How long have you lived here?! How much is your rent now?

Andy: No, Yes, not it’s not, quite a few, no it isn’t, thanks, no I won’t, I hate you too, I don’t care, I know you are but what am I? Yes I will, about a year, I’m not telling, you’d cry.

Broker: Wait…what?

Andy: I’m gonna leave now…right after I pee on your shoes.

Broker: (sighs) This always happens to me.

And that’s pretty much how it goes. You show up, hate the place, and then they get mad at you. The funniest thing to do is to tell them its too expensive. One time this guy said to me: “$2500³! Isn’t that a great price?” to which I responded: “No, it isn’t.” He was furious and actually stormed out. I couldn’t stop laughing.

¹If you’ve used Craigslist at all, this paragraph should make perfect sense to you.
²This exactly what they have said to me everytime – “what do you think?” What they mean is, “I half-assed my job and am fully expecting you to take this place now.”
³This was for a 1 bdrm that I was going to live in with a friend of mine – we were going to put a wall up which costs like another $800. The broker new this. Granted the location was great, 25th and Park, but it wasn’t THAT nice of a place.

My Technorati Number: A status symbol

If you’ve talked to me about my blog before, chances are I’ve mentioned that no one reads it or comments or that I don’t even really consider myself a blogger because I don’t talk about “this person did that to me” or “you know what really pisses me off¹?” or “my life is in turmoil and my thighs are too big” or “why doesn’t she love me like I love her?” or “do you know what my favorite kind of peanut butter is?”…alright the peanut butter one I’d probably write about² but you get my drift. My theory is that because my ideas are so typically inane and ridiculous that no one wants to read them because there is no way to identify with them. I am perfectly okay with this.

While looking for other things to do at work besides work and having run out of blogs to read and extricated as much information as I possibly could from sitemeter, I started poking around Technorati. This may be my eventual downfall. The ‘rati is a pretty cool little site and for those of you who don’t know, it gives you a rank and tells you how many other blogs link to your blog, and also how many blogs link to the blogs that link to you.

All the blogs on the right are sites that I read everyday. The list grows as I find myself going to a site more than once every couple of weeks, or if there’s a particularly good post, then I’ll add them out of principal. It’s my way of saying “you wrote a good post, here’s a cookie!” only I don’t give out cookies and I don’t actually talk to indicate respect. I keep the cookies. And eat them. And I wash it down with respect. I’ll also link to anyone who links to me (which is standard practice for pretty much everyone…. except for Alice, who apparently links to no one³. )

As embarrassing as it is I will now share with you my Technorati rating and link number so you can all laugh at me and say “Wow, you really are the only person who thinks you’re funny. The title of your blog is so relevant now! I finally get it! But I still don’t find you relevant…or funny. In fact, this, if anything, has lessened my opinion of you such that if I saw you on the street, I would pound you into it.”

As you can kind of see thanks to this blurry screen shot, my rating is at 246,459 and I am linked by 12 blogs.

You know that weird guy in high school who seemed nice but no one really talked to because he just wasn’t cool enough? That’s the kind of status I feel my Technorati rating gives me. I get invited to limited blogger happy hours due to this low rating and poor link-factor, then when I go, people say “oh, do you have a blog?” and I say “yes, yes I do. It’s ‘Well at least I think I’m funny.’” and they say “oh…that’s nice.” and then quickly look for a more famous blogger to talk to⁴ after a quick pat on my head for encouragement.

The point of all this isn’t to complain or to seek out pity links and comments (though they’re gladly accepted), but more to say that wouldn’t it be funny if people started to take their technorati ratings really seriously and begin basing their lives and the majority of the conversations on this nerdy claim-to-fame:

(It’s happy hour and many famous bloggers have gathered together to drink and socialize)

Famous Blogger: (enters, wearing a shirt that says “Technorati Top 50, bitch.”)
What’s up bitches? Cast your eyes upon my kicky shirt.

Famous Blogger 2: Oh wow. I’m only top 100 (indicating her shirt). Man I’m so jealous!

FB: Yeah I knew you would be. So ladies, who wants to makeout so I can write about it in my blog tomorrow?

Random Hot Girls: OOOHHH!! Please, please, pick me! Pick me!

FB 2: Man, that is sweet. I hope to crack the top 50 someday. I mean, people buy me drinks a lot and I sign a few autographs here and there, but I can’t command the attention in a room that you do…wait a minute…who’s…who’s that?

FB: Who’s who?

FB 2: That, over there – look!

Famous Blogger 3: Hey bitches. Technorati numero uno here. Yeah. That’s right. (FB 3 has gone so far as to tattoo this rating into his forehead) I’ve written more entries about how miserable my life is and how much I hate the idiosynchrosies of others than anyone. And I swear…a lot. Because its hilarious. Tits. See? I just did it. Just then. But I took it kind of easy on you. You’re lucky. I’m so snide, its awesome.

FB: Oh damn. This guy ALWAYS ruins ma nerd-fame style!

FB 2: I hope he doesn’t drop the F bomb! It’s just so gutsy, creative, and powerful.

(several women leave FB and immediately begin carressing FB 3 as he simply stands with his hands out, gazing up into the ceiling – as if somehow he’ll be levitating a few inches off the ground to the tune of an angelic chorus any minute now)

Andy: Hey guys, is this where the blogger happy hour is?

FB: Yes, are you a blogger?

Andy: Well, yeah I am. But I –

FB 3: What’s your technorati rating?

Andy: Oh, well I’ve indicated it here, on my shirt, just like you guys.

(Andy points to the number on his shirt)

FB 2: …

FB: …

FB 3: …really? I thought that was like your sitemeter count or something.

Andy: Yeah. These things are so meaningless. Don’t you guys think?

(The bar gets silent and a tumbleweed rolls across the room. A glass drops to the floor and breaks, a woman screams, and somewhere in South Eastern Asia, an infant child is crying. Andy uncomfortably tugs at his collar.)

Andy: I mean. Important. Don’t you think they’re important? Haha…ha…heh…ahem. Well, I think I’m just going to be leaving now.

(Andy chugs the remainder of his beer, turns around to leave and on his way out someone tapes a sign to his back that says “Kick Me, Gawker links me less than once a week.”)

FB: Finally.

FB 2: I am glad he left. What a trouble-maker. I don’t know anyone who actually jokes about their technorati rating…I mean..honestly!

FB 3: I certainly don’t either. That seems ridiculous. You know what else is ridiculous? Anonymous commenters. There haven’t been enough posts about that, OR riding on the subway. I’m gonna go do six more posts about each of those topics. Then, when someone posts about how New York bloggers suck, I’m totally gonna write a pithy rebuttal in their comments section. BOO YAH!

FB 2: Genius!

FB: That’s why you’ll always be number 1.

Now I’m destined to get a t-shirt that says “Technorati Rating: 246, 459″ with a frowny face underneath.

For those of you that have found it in your hearts to link this lowly, un-famous, non-blogger I thank you, and big props to the classy dame at Gawker who occassionally finds me funny^5.

¹Except when I write about Cingular. I hate you Cingular.
²Look for it later.
³thanks a lot, jerk.
⁴These are the most famous bloggers I have met. Except for Alice, but I’m not giving her any more love in this post.
⁵Not sure if you wanted your identity revealed so no link for you! (I’m turning into Alice)

The longest run-on of all time.

Today I was perusing through the blogs I usually peruse and something struck me. As I was reading I realized there is always a stark contrast between their blogs and mine: a point. Typically when I start writing something it’s because I think of something funny and then I just randomly through something together and it ends up being nonsensical, ridiculous, and pointless. Today I’m going to try to take this to an extreme as I write the longest run-on sentence known to man using word association and see where I end up.

_________________________________________________________________

I started reading Spinachdip’s guest blog this morning on blog soup and then realized that there’s seldom a point to what I write always comes out a little ridiculous because I’ll start off with a good idea about the lightbulb is probably one of the best, and most inspirational due to the amount of failures in life to me are people that don’t really follow their dream about a hamburger eating him is one of the greatest lines in Seinfeld which my friend Erik and I call the golden standard jazz tunes are just not written by anyone anymore and I’m not sure its for lack of trying or just beacause standards are going to be altogether drawn from different sources of light coming from what they call a “light-box” can actually help cure SAD and now there is a cell phone that has a 3.2 megapixel camera is all I really want and stupid Cingular is really pissing me off because I’ve been waiting and waiting for my most recent commission check but (client not to be named) hasn’t paid yet even though they said they sent the check out last week was great but this weekend I really felt the need to get out of the city and into some greener surroundings because as all New Yorkers know you just start to feel cooped up like a chicken in an egg under an incubation lamp in my room doesn’t have a shade over it which makes the room heat up by a noticeable amount of Penn State graduates in the United States is something like one in six hundred more dollars and I am well on my way to buying a sweet new TV which I probably won’t end up getting because I won’t be able to decide what to do with my life even though I think I know a basic direction its hard to pursue a specific direction because there’s so much cool stuff out there I’d like to have but then I realize it won’t make me happy about going home this weekend and may even get to see the very first Penn State game of the season even though it’s supposed to rain doesn’t really bother me that much but it gets old after a few days of consistent practicing I think I’ve finally gotten some of my chops back and now I’m excited because I’m gonna get a (temporarily removed section) going on in New York each week and writing reviews of Franklin Talk are few and far between each episode has been a much longer period of time is going so fast these days I’m really just not able to believe that I might actually get a job and move to Italy within the next year I’d really like to improve my piano playing skill at Ultimate certainly isn’t unsurpassed but I consider myself fairly good at pretty much anything having to do with art though I’m not really particularly honed in any specific skill other than trombone playing is one of the most satisfying things I do or have done and I miss being in a situation where I’m able to play Ultimate when I finally get my shoulder looked at and I’ll most likely need surgery scares me a little bit but honestly the rehabilitation of my shoulder will be the hardest part of something really musically fulfilling all my goals will be tough but fair enough is enough.

___________________________________________________________________

Huh, interesting.