Well, at least I think I’m funny.

I never have a good halloween costume and this year is no exception, except that this year, I do. I’m adding an unconventional twist to a quite trite spectre. I’m going as a vampire. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “God, this post is terrible.” Well, shutup and read on. I mean, I guess you can’t shutup because you’re not actually talking…unless you are, then you’re just crazy. Crazy like a fox. At any rate, hear me out. I’m not going as just any vampire. I’m going as a fat vampire.

You see at first I wanted to go as something utterly stupid. Like a pillow. A box. A bottle of water. Something that people would see and say “that is the dumbest costume ever.” The problem is, it’d actually be pretty hard to do that. Next I decided I was going to just cover my face with red blush, and spritz myself with water and go as “The hottest man alive.” Get it? It’s like a play on words. Am I physically hot? Or am I…physically…hot…what? Well at any rate, I canned that idea.

Then I started to think about vampires because one of my friends said “oh just go as a vampire.” I realized you never see a fat vampire. We’re talking about a creature that sleeps all day and does nothing but eat and live for eternity. I imagine a vampire who was skinny wouldn’t be the norm. Then I thought about the great back story I could provide:

Person: Hey, what the hell are you supposed to be?

Andy: (showing fangs) I’m a fat vampire. Duh.

Person: Why a fat vampire?

Andy: Because I have a slow metabolism.

Person: Really?

Andy: Yes. And that causes me to gain weight. I’m also at a high risk for diabetes.

Person: Why don’t you just suck some blood to replace your blood.

Andy: First of all, I eat the blood, I don’t transfuse it into my veins. Also, how could I possibly be fast enough to catch someone to suck their blood? I’m fat.

Person: Can’t you turn into a bat?

Andy: Yeah.

Person: So why don-

Andy: A fat bat. Have you ever seen a fat bat? No way I’d even be able to think about lifting off. You don’t know anything about fat vampires do you?

Person: No I don’t.

Andy: Well, you need to go to the library and get a book or something. Noserfatu. And that’s not a typo.

Person: Typo? We’re talking.

Andy: Shut it. Or I will bite you and eat your brains.

Person: That’s a zombie.

Andy: A fat zombie.

Person: What?

Andy: Vampire.

Person: I’m leaving.

Andy: Have a nice trip!

Person: But I didn’t tri–

Andy: (puts his leg out and pushes Person so they trip) See ya next fall, jerk!

I know, that dialogue went absolutely nowhere. But anyway. A fat vampire. I hope everyone has a great All Hallow’s Eve. Make sure to have your parents inspect all your candy before you eat it. Now cram it!

Sorry kids. I switched over to this new fandangled thing and now it’s all messed up! Oh well, guess I know what I’m doing this weekend.

This probably won’t be funny, but 6 beers into a night being bored, well, that tends to unfunny me pretty fast.

All I want lately is to play piano. Is that weird? Probably. I love playing piano. Let’s set the record straight though, I am not a good piano player. But lately, all I want is to buy a piano so I can sit at it 8 hours a day and play the damn thing. I can’t listen to music without thinking of playing the piano. And when I was a kid and quite my piano lessons and my mom said “I hope that someday you really miss it!” well mom, you win again. In fact, you demolished me. ‘Cause now that’s all I want to do. Just play piano. Jazz piano.

My boss was on the phone with a client this afternoon. There’s really nothing interesting about this - well, typically there isn’t, except the guy he was talking to had an interesting voice.

I sit across the room from my boss and I could hear this dude through the phone’s handset. I was like “Hey! I recognize that voice!” I immediately IMed Erik because I know he takes great delight in stupid crap like this.

“You know that black droid that the Empire sends to scout Hoth in Star Wars, Episode 5, the Empire Strikes Back?”

“yeah.”

“I think he’s on the phone with my boss!”

“Oh wow. He’s got a job in music?”

“Yeah, apparently.”

“He’s got all those extra arms, great for multiple synths.”

“He’d also make a great engineer.”

You know which droid I’m talking about right? The one that sounds like it’s saying “nerdsinthesystem.nerdsonalert.” through a stoma voicebox over and over again? Oh, oh, you want me to put a picture up? Oh, because you don’t get it? Well that’s FINE! That’s just GREAT! Here it is, simpleton:

Since we’d already given this thing an occupation, and had a face for it, the next step was to involve it in some ridiculous scenario. That scenario begins….NOW!….wait, wait…NOW! no no, wait, wait….NOW!

Guy at Work: Hey, Probe Droid, go get me a coffee! This one’s cold!

Probe Droid: My name is Lawrence! I have feelings you know! Gosh!

GAW: Are you going to get my coffee or what? I am very busy!

PD: And I’m not busy?! You can’t boss me aroun-

GAW: Look, just, go. Get. The coffee. I can’t take your back-talk today!

PD: FINE! This isn’t even part of my job you know?! I am a complex machine capable of performing highly difficult tasks and operations all at once, and I don’t need you demeaning me!

GAW: I don’t know why-

PD: (in a harsh whisper) Ever since we slept together you’ve been treating me terribly at work! Well I’ve had it! You can get your OWN coffee from now on! (PD takes the coffee and mechanically dumps it on the ground, then drops the cup. This isn’t very dramatic as it’s actions are fairly slow due to it’s innate roboticism…and faggyness)

GAW: (matching his tone) I told you from the start it was just a one night thing! I don’t know where you crafted these fanciful, romantic ideas of yours! You’re certainly not programmed for THAT!

PD: Well, after today? All the others around the office will know what you’re not programmed for!

GAW: Hey!

PD: That’s right buster! (PD turns and turns to float out of the room) Nerdsinthesystem.Nerdsonalert.

GAW: *sigh* Probe Dr-I mean, Lawrence. Wait.

PD: (slowly turns around, leaking a single, robo-tear) Yes?

GAW: I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings…in fact I wasn’t even sure you had feelings at all, because you’re a ro-

PD: DON’T YOU SAY IT! DON’T YOU CALL ME A ROBOT! I love you Ted. I…Love you.

GAW: I Love you too.

(They embrace. The end.)

That’s pretty much how I imagine it would go if a probe droid was able to find work somewhere. It would be gay, and fall in love. You know…because its a probe droid.

I was eating dinner on Monday with some esteemed colleagues of mine. Hooray for lobster! Anyway, one of them mentioned that he got to meet Bono on the Friday previous to which I immediately responded “I hate Bono. If I ever met him, I’d punch him in the face.”

This brought up an interesting round of conversation where we all started stating people we’d immediately punch if we met them. Here’s my list:

1. Bono
2. Ashton Kutcher
3. The guy who invented the RAZR
4. The guy who’s idea it was to have the RAZR come out in multiple colors.
5. The guy at Cingular who decides what phones to add to their plans
6. Lee Corso
7. Lee Corso
8. Lee Corso
9. Bobby Bowden
10. Carlos Mencia

Who would you punch?

This morning on my walk to work I stopped in at Starbuck’s to grab some coffee. If you just pictured me walking behind the counter, turning on the coffee spout, and just grabbing at the coffee while it pours out of the spigot, well, you may share half of my brain.

Today I didn’t feel like suffering 3rd degree burns was a good solution to the chill in the air so I instead ordered my coffee like any normal human being - by mumbling at an incoherent teller who looks less excited than a coma patient on sleeping pills.

Starbuck’s always forgets my order. Always. I’m not sure I’ve ever been to one where I haven’t been waiting a few minutes only to be asked “What are you waiting for sir?” But I’m used to it, I cope, I’m a pretty laid-back guy so it never really bothers me. In fact, it makes me laugh.

Anyway, this morning I got my coffee and took it over to the fixin’s bar to throw in some cinnamon and sugar, when all of a sudden a man burst over next to me, touting the disposition of an angry troll and a haircut that…well, let’s just say that Boris no doubt had his way with this man’s head.

Troll man takes the lid off of his coffee to put stuff in it and is immediately outraged at what appears to be a very normal looking cup of coffee. “How the hell am I supposed to drink this!!” he shouts, dumps the coffee into the trash and then spikes the cup in after it. He then stormed over to the counter to belittle the poor employee who merely did her job.

I stood there laughing at the guy and thought “That poor bastard just allowed his entire day to be ruined by a cup of coffee.” Lately, I’ve been laughing a lot more. I used to get fired up about stuff or mad or upset, now I just laugh at things. And the more I do it, the more I realize how stupid it is to get angry or stressed about stuff - especially something as small as a $4 cup of joe.

Of course, then I imagined what it would be like if I were to answer his rhetorically idiotic question:

(Andy is at the fixins bar, the troll man comes up, sets his coffee down, and removes the lid…)

Troll: How the hell am I supposed to drink this?!

Andy: Oh here, let me help you. (Andy takes the cup of coffee from the man and holds it up to his mouth, holding his other hand under the man’s chin). Now, when I say “drink,” you open your mouth and I’ll dump this coffee in there. Then you’re going to need to swallow.

Troll: …You’re joking righ-

Andy: DRINK!

(Andy begins pouring coffe into Troll’s mouth as he’s speaking. The man sputters a bit as the coffee is obviously quite hot. The Troll knocks Andy’s hand away, spilling the coffee everywhere.)

Andy: Aw, you spilled the coffee everywhere!

Troll: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Andy: Well, I’m not sure. But among my many flaws is the fact that I never catch on to rhetoric.

Troll: You practically burned my face off!

Andy: I love that movie.

Troll: Really? I thought it was okay. Not Travolta’s best work. But Cage shines, I’ll give you that.

Andy: Oh really? Because I’d say it’s the other way around. Question: If you had to pick someone’s face to trade with, who would you pick?

Troll: Scott Baio!

Andy: Wow, you didn’t even have to stop and think about that did you?

Troll: Why would I?

Andy: I’m not sure. Probably because you fantasize about him…you know, sexually.

Troll: I keep forgetting you don’t understand rhetoric.

Andy: What?

Troll: Rhetoric.

Andy: I don’t understand rhetoric. If I had to change my face, I would change it to a monkey-face. I wouldn’t have to worry about a Halloween costume, and then I could potentially shrink myself and learn to skateboard.

Troll: …ok…

Andy: Well I’m going to be late for work. Good luck with your coffee. If you need imbibition help in the future, please do let me know.

I bet I would’ve easily saved that guy a good 15 blood pressure points. Oh well. Whoever you are troll-man, I hope you didn’t let that coffee ruin your day. Good luck.

I just wanted to let you all know that I won’t be posting again until next Monday. I’m taking Thursday and Friday off and going home for what promises to be the best weekend to ever end a week since weeks have needed to be ended. Penn State vs. Michigan. I am amped. Sitting in the student section for this game might just be my greatest accomplishment ever.

My ridiculous posts will be back in effect soon enough. WE ARE!

I watched Grey’s Anatomy for the first time last Thursday night. Well that’s not exactly true. Technically it was the second time, but the first time I wasn’t really paying attention and talked through the whole thing - oh, if only I had been smart enough to do that the second time around.

Everywhere I go it seems some girl I know can’t wait to watch Grey’s Anatomy or put up a quote from it in her away message. When The Office ended and Deal or No Deal came on I quickly reached for the remote so my exposure to Howie Mandel’s shiny head and unpolished humor would be minimal. I started looking for one of the seemingly many new dramas on TV: Heroes, The Nine, Studio 60, then I quickly realized none of them were on. However, as I was flipping I recognized Grey’s Anatomy and thought “What the hell? I’ve had two beers.”

I’m not sure how exactly to describe my feelings toward the show. First of all, I found it utterly useless that it takes place in a hospital. They could easily transfer all these “doctors” to work at a Gap in a mall and they’d accomplish just about the same amount of doctoring as they do in the hospital.

Second, Most of the dialogues were women either trying to figure men out, figure themselves out, or just whining about things in general. The (I’m guessing) main character (chick from Old School) was all upset because she couldn’t choose between one of two men and she was a surgical intern so she wanted to be wooed properly because she didn’t have a lot of time to get it right. Ugh. If I wanted to listen to women complain about things I don’t care about, I would answer my cell phone when Erik calls.

Also, the guys on the show are totally ridiculous. One of the dudes couldn’t tell his girlfriend he didn’t want to move in with her. Please. If I had a girlfriend (and I imagine after writing this post I never will again) who asked me to move in and I didn’t want to, there would be nothing stopping me from making the “slcchhh” face, telling her no, and then turning on football.

If I was one of those Irish dudes what’s-her-face is trying to date, I would split faster than a horny gymnast. I mean those guys are getting completely played. I’m not sure that Robin is a doctor, but I know the other guy is. If I were to give him advice it’d go something like this:

Andy: Hey dude, what’s up?

Doc: Hey Andy, I’m sad.

Andy: Oh, why’s that?

Doc: This girl I like is seeing another guy, and I don’t know what to do?

Andy: Man, your hair is making you a co-star!

Doc: Huh?

Andy: Seriously. Do you have a team of people work on it in the mornings? I am the last person to know anything about style or fashion - but that hair is just remarkable. Is it real?

Doc: Well…yeah, but we can talk about my-

Andy: Look at it! It’s like someone froze the ocean and painted it glossy, jet black!

Doc: Ugh. Can you please-

Andy: If I were a tiny monkey I would buy a skateboard and make your hair my own personal skate park. I’d be the tiniest skating monkey ever! People would come from miles around and say “hey! Look at that tiny monkey skate!” I could charge admission!

Doc: Are we going to talk about my girl problems?

Andy: Your what? I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I swear your hair just waved at me and blew me a kiss.

Doc: I’m having girl problems!

Andy: Oh right. Dump her. You’re a doctor you moron. Take your hair and go pick up whoever you want. Duh.

Sorry ladies. I know the majority of you love this show, but I just didn’t get it. Then again, my dream is to be a tiny, skate-boarding monkey. So what do I know?

The best part about blogging is that no one really cares what you have to say. Ever. No one cares about your personal life. No one cares about your opinion. No one cares how much you hate your friends. No one cares if you’re consistently unfunny. In fact, if you were to say, delete your whole blog, I’m guessing no one would care. Sure you’d get a message or two “oh we’ll miss you!” or “please come back and write soon!” But really, no one cares.

The fact of the matter is, people don’t really like reading blogs because they care about you. They like reading blogs because they can read them and go “what a freaking idiot.” Or, if they happen to know you, “man that person is just full of shit all the time and is nothing like they claim to be.” In my case its “Wow. He honestly thinks he’s funny? Honestly?” Or they like to hear themselves talk and give advice. It’s human nature. I love giving people advice. It’s great. But does anyone ever listen? No. Because they make up their mind before they even ask you for advice. They already know what they’re going to do. The only reason they follow your advice is if it happens to coincide with what they’re already thinking.

Wouldn’t it be great if people just told your opinion means nothing to them? The world would be a lot better off. The idiots would probably segregated onto their own islands. Man, a whole island just for idiots. Can you imagine? I can…

Andy: Hey friend, how’s it going?

Friend: Oh it’s going great!

Andy: Good to hear. What’s makin’ your life so easy?

Friend: I’m going on vacation this week.

Andy: Oh sweet, where to?

Friend: Idiot Island!

Andy: Oh man, I’ve heard about that place! I’ve always wanted to go there and poke the locals with sticks.

Friend: Yeah I can’t wait. I hear there’s lots of self-important people there to kick.

Andy: Oooh!

Friend: Anyway, the train leaves in 20 minutes so I’d better get a move on.

Andy: Yeah - let me know earlier next time, I’ll come with you. We can laugh at how intellectual they think they are.

I just wanted to post this before it actually happened. So everyone can point to it and say what a genius I am.

I predict that “Hug it out, bitch” will become the most over-used phrase, literally, overnight. You will hear it everywhere you go starting tomorrow (Friday). Get ready, because uninventive douchebags are about to run it into the ground.