Well, at least I think I’m funny.

I’d like you all to pay close attention to the following pie chart. It’s very important:

Well as many two of you may know, my phone was lost, tragically, this past weekend. Friday night came around and the Fat Vampire found himself in Williamsburg¹ for a Halloween party and…well, due to the fact that the only pants option for a Fat Vampire is sweat-pants, my phone went kerplunk into the back of a cab and sped off and away from the Lower East Side never to be found again.

This, in some ways, was devasting. Not because I lost all my numbers (thanks Bluetooth!) and not because the phone was any good (circa 2003), but because I wasn’t ready to buy a new one yet.

My readership knows I’ve been patiently waiting since…well, since time began, for Cingular to get off the bench, step up to the plate, and hit a homer. Well, they still haven’t. Apparently there’s some cool stuff on the horizon, but I was planning to wait until after Christmas.

However, my phone recovery proved fruitless and I was forced to get a new phone. I know what you’re all thinking: “Man, this guy is an idiot. I am wasting a good 3 minutes by reading this trash. Why do I do this to myself…ugh. Maybe one of these links on the side is better. Let’s see here…Superbee’s Philosophy *click* Oh God. Just when I thought blogs couldn’t get any worse! QUICK! Send me back to mediocrity paradise! Shew. Anyway…where was I…”

I couldn’t just get some crapo-phone feature from Cingular and waste my “upgrade status.” And I didn’t want to buy the super-awesome phone I wanted because, well, it’s about $500. So I went on Ebay, found something suitable I can resell in a few months (if I need to), and got it for about $80 less than I thought I’d have to pay.

Enter: The Samsung SGH X820. An astounding 6.9 mm thin, this thing kicks the RAZR’s ass and leaves the SLVR lying in a pool consisting of its own vomit due to it being jealous and being driven to bulimia. My only complaint is that it doesn’t sync with iSync on a Mac - eh, whatever. The bluetooth works with everything else on my laptop so I don’t really have any complaints.

So to all of you who have ever thought about calling me but were using the fact that I recently lost my phone as an excuse, welcome back to non-excuse land. Where action is king. King of Spills.

¹This is a whole other post I’m working on.

We all love MySpace. Well, all of us with the exception of maybe the guys who invented Facebook and Friendster. They probably don’t love them. Though I wonder if they have accounts on them? I bet they do. What a bunch of jerks.

At any rate this post isn’t meant to be focused on MySpace, but rather a certain aspect of the advertising on it. I’m sure if you’ve ever logged on you’ve seen ads for a dating service which I think is called True - though typically I’m distracted from any actual information on the ad and you’ll see why in a moment.

It’s an internet dating service and the ads always have the most smokin-hot girls in them in the most suggestive poses and I must say, I always look at it whenever it pops up. Here’s an example of such an ad:

All I have to say to this is: Yeah right. I’m not sure if any of you have ever peeped an online dating service before but I will tell you this - there are as many girls who use online dating that look like this, as there are blog posts about tiny skateboarding monkeys. If you want to see what they really look like, well, go to a bar and find the girls who aren’t getting hit on. Because I can garauntee you, the chick in the above ad will never have to go online to find some dude to hit on her(pending some horrible accident).

I feel bad for all the nerds on MySpace, or all the douchebags whose pictures are of their super-ripped ads, who click on this link and expect to find really hot chicks. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for the douchebags. I hope they get hit by trucks mostly. But those poor nerds. They click on the link thinking maybe they have a shot at a really hot girl for once, and they’re totally mislead.

Then, as I was refreshing my screen to get more shots of equally hot girls for the True service, ANOTHER dating service popped up - you’re gonna love this: Hot Enough.org is a site that actually screens members and only allows really attractive people into their dating service. Oh man, I couldn’t think of a worse idea.

Do you know how many people qualify themselves as hot? It’s ridiculous. I have heard some ladies talk about their friends and say “yeah, she’s beautiful” and I’ll just scowl silently, take a step behind the girl, and shake my head at the poor sap she’s suckering in to an ill-fated set-up.

The moral of the story is, don’t fall for any of it. If you want to find a date, do it like the rest of us: go to a bar, get drunk, and settle. Because it’s still better than anyone you’ll find on Match.com.