Well, at least I think I’m funny.

This is my last official post at this address. Please change all your bookmarks, links, and blogrolls to point to the following:

http://www.andylykens.com/blog

For more blogging goodness.

Dear the Porcupine,

Thank you for being so pointy and having so many bristles. I would like to use you as something to keep business cards separated on my desk. I also would like to note that I have not accidentally run over a porcupine in my car. Please don’t poke me for others’ wanton and rampant driving. Your name is funny!

I wonder if you’re good at blowing up balloons. Probably not! I’ll bet you’d try to help but end up popping more than your fair share.

Some people think you can throw your quills, but they’re wrong! It’s just a rumor! Can you use your quills to write if you dip them in ink? I bet that’s handy when it comes to writing letters. Letters like this one.

Does the postman get hurt when he tries to get your envelope from you? I bet he does. But he probably understands. Maybe next time you can just leave it on the ground and walk away, rather than trying to hand it to him. Because I know you want to be cordial, but it would save him hundreds of dollars in pricey bandage fees.

Have a good day,

Andy

p.s. Wikipedia says you’re slow, but you’ll always be first in the race for my heart.

I’d apologize for my current lack of posting…and former lack of posting…except that I know no one really cares. In fact, I doubt any of you even noticed because I’m so hilarious and insightful that you can read one of my posts 100 million times and still not be able to fathom all of the intricate intricacies and delicate delicacies. Anyway I’ve been away basically for two weeks doing stuff for work and am getting a bit of a break.

My time in Salt Lake City has been a pretty enjoyable one except for one thing - snoring. You see, I’m a fairly light fall-asleeper. That is if I’m awake and there isn’t some ambient buzz or hum going on, I can’t fall asleep. Dead quiet is no good.

Unfortunately for this trip, my company didn’t have the foresight to book our hotels more than a month in advance so I am having to share a room with my co-worker…who snores. It sounds like he’s at the national flatulence convention giving a speech on donkey farts which he emulates with his sinus cavity.

I hate snorers.

I hate snorers because there is literally nothing they can do. Though I think most causes of snoring have something to do with being overweight, there is no instant fix. If they sleep on their side they always end up turning on their back. Ear plugs don’t help for me. There is nothing circadian or rhythmically consistent with the snore. The volume, the phrasing, the timbre, it’s different and differently jarring with every elephantastic inhalation.

Two nights ago the boss got drunk. And smoked several cigars. We hit the sack around 1, I woke up at 3, tried to get back to sleep until about 4 - then gave up and grabbed my computer to work on my presentation due in a couple days.

But what can a snorer do? Say they’re sorry? They’re not sorry. Being exhausted and not being allowed to go to sleep is nothing you can apologize for. Can they lose 50 lbs over night? No. The bottom line is, they can’t be empathatic at all because they have no idea what it’s like to put up with it. In my experience, people who snore have no problems sleeping in a room with others that snore.

Well screw you jerks, every single one. I’m sick of having to deal with other people’s problems because they refuse to lose weight. If you snore, hit the damn treadmill already - or by a breathe-right strip for God’s sake.

It’s difficult thinking you’re smarter than everyone. To be fair though, I think I’m just musically and technologically smarter than everyone. My friends tend to be people who either rival me in these areas or are very smart in other areas - so we compliment each other nicely. But I digress, I merely mean to say that I think I know everything about music and electronics.

I know what you’re thinking - “why do I continually read this blog? It’s terrible!” But give me a chance. You see, my snobdom is completely justified and this is largely due to the following establishments:

1. Best Buy
2. Record labels
3. Circuit City
4. Radio Shack
5. Cable Companies
6. Internet service providers
7. Any sort of “support” line.

Anytime I walk into a Best Buy I automatically know that no one in that store can possibly help me find what I’m looking for. Ever. I once made the mistake of asking someone years ago:

Andy: Hi, I’m looking for a firewire cable that’s mini on one end, and then the regular size on the other.

Best Buy Employee: Firewire?

Andy: …yeah, you know, looks like a big USB connection kind of.

BBE: Our USB cables are-

Andy: No. It LOOKS like a USB cable. It is NOT a USB cable.

BBE: Oh, yeah, I know what that is, follow me…

I follow the guy to some shelves where he promptly removes a USB cable from a hook and hands it to me. I look at him in utter amazement at his stupidity.

Andy: This is a USB cable.

BBE: Yeah, I think that’s what you want.

Andy: …no. FIREWIRE. It’s also called IEE1394.

BBE: I don’t think that even exists, and if it does, we don’t have it.

Flabberghasted I turn and leave him to his USB-cable wonderland of incredible idiocy, where Captain Moron presides over the residents of Simpletown and fends off knowledge and comprehension skills and keeps everyone at a 1st-grade reading level.

5 minutes later I find the exact cable I need and leave.

This happens all the time. I can’t count the number of times I’ve walked into one of the above establishments and overheard the salespeople and customer service people selling the entirely wrong thing to people because they have no idea what they’re talking about. I always intervene. The salesperson ALWAYS insists they’re right and naturally the customer believes them over me (and who wouldn’t? That polo shirt and wrinkled khaki pants just shriek “I’m a sophisticated professional.”) and they buy the wrong thing.

I just shake my head and think “yeah, I’m real sure Vanilla Ice here knows exactly what he’s doing and doesn’t spend 6 hours a day smoking weed and polishing his bling, dreaming of the day he can put huge rims and an even huger spoiler on the back of his used Honda Civic and blast dance music or reggaeton from his car, tripping on E, and dancing with glowsticks.”

Don’t even get me started on cable companies and their ridiculous “customer support” lines. I love that the first question they ask is “did you try turning off your computer and turning it back on?”

HEY JERK. YES. EVERYONE TRIES THAT. ITS THE FIRST THING WE DO.

For some reason they never believe me either. “Well, can you do it again for me now?” I usually say no and tell them to skip to the more complex steps. They typically get lost and confused after I tell them everything I’ve tried and just end up telling me they “need to go do some research” and put me on hold for 20 minutes while they put the phone down and try to plug up the steam coming from their brains for having participated in a conversation with someone who’s problem can’t be solved by plugging something in or unplugging something that shouldn’t be plugged in.

To end on a positive note, I would like to give major props to Cingular. Despite my hatred of their recently-lousy phone selection, their customer service is stellar. If someone doesn’t know how to solve my problem, they connect me to someone who does. No matter how complex my questions get, their tech-guys always know the answer. It’s great.

Don’t even get me started on the music/record labels thing.

On my walk back from my company lunch today, I had about 4 blocks to cover. I decided I’d stop in and grab a coffee at Starbuck’s once I paid the bill as well, just because it’s Friday.

As I’m walking down the sidewalk I see a man stop next to a large truck. I’m not sure if he was the driver or not, probably not, but he had his hand on the side of it like he was going to open it up.

Next thing I know he’s firing a stream of urine into the puddle collected from this morning’s rainstorm in the gutter on teh street. His back was turned thanks to what I can only imagine was divine intervention:

Pee-er: Man, I have got to go me some pee!

Jesus: Hold on there Full Bladder McGoo.

Pee-er: Yes?

Jesus: You can’t pee on the street! At least turn around for Dad’s sake! I mean if you want to be seen as an animal I’ll treat you as one, how’s that?

Pee-er: What do you me–

(Jesus grabs a nearby newspaper, rolls it up, and proceeds to hit the man on the nose with it)

Jesus: BAD! BAD! NO! BAD!

Pee-er: AH! Stop! I have to–

Jesus: (in a calm but enraged voice, between clenched teeth) There *smack* are *smack* establishments *smack* all *smack* around *smack* here *smack* that *smack* have *smack* bathrooms! *smack*

Pee-er: You broke my urethra!

Jesus: What a waste of a perfectly good copy of The Village Voice.

I thought to myself, “What kind of a person does this?” And “Who could possibly raise such an ignorant person?”

I then answered mysef, “A disgusting PCP-addicted jerk who most likely doesn’t have a job and steals from babies, grandmas, puppies, and…oh, I don’t know, a church. Choose your denomination or religion of choice and feel free to change the word ‘church’ to ‘temple’ if necessary. As far as who could raise such a person? Here’s a brief list:

1) Franklin
2) A chimp (multiple chimps could probably get the job done right)
3) Multiple chimps under Franklin’s supervision.

In disgust I open the door to Starbuck’s. Upon entering I notice a line. Great. Oh well, I’ll just wait my turn and get my coffee. You know, because that’s what people¹ civilized people do. Not 30 seconds later does Mr. Pee-er McStreets come in and saunter to the front of the line. At this point I think to myself, “alright, he’s probably just going to ask where the bathroom i….oh wait a minute. What’s this excellent example of ‘why birth control is great’ up to now?” So what does he do? He asks for some ice water.

Alright buddy, you just emptied your bladder onto the street and the first thing you can think of is that you can’t wait to get your hands on some ice cold water? Then he asks for something else, I couldn’t tell what. The next thing I know he’s given a capuccino cup with who knows what in it (probably milk or a tiny cup of coffee…or maybe some extra prick-sauce because he was running low) and he takes it and proceeds to dump sugar in it. Next thing you know the barista shouts “ICE WATER” in a tone that says “who the hell comes to Starbucks and asks for ice water?”

I couldn’t believe it. This stupid bastard pees in the street, cuts in front of 7 people in line, pays NOTHING, and is out of Starbuck’s and on his way with his conspicuous bag of…well who knows (the weird thing about 6th Ave and Broadway in the 20’s is that there’s lots of people walking around with opaque blue and black bags).

You know who I was most mad at? Myself. I should’ve shoved that stupid jerk into the truck and said “THERE IS A MCDONALD’S ACROSS THE STREET! I wonder if they have a bathroom?” Or at the very least said something in Starbuck’s. I was furious with myself. Maybe my New Year’s resolution will be to start standing up to jerks who think they can flaunt very basic societal laws like lines and public urination. I mean do people really want New York to turn into some miserable hell-hole like, oh, I dunno, Miami? I sure hope not.

Here are some other things I’m guessing are on this man’s daily agenda:

1. Get all high, laugh at stuff.
2. Poop on street - may or may not follow peeing on street.
3. Camp out for “A Christmas Story” marathon on TBS. Realize it is on TV. Get all high instead.
4. Find dog. Ask it on a date. Feed it a roofie. ’nuff said.
5. Steal dog’s food. Eat half, try and sell other half.
6. Listen to headphones. Wonder where I got these headphones from. Figure out I probably stole them.
7. Jones for some tacos.
8. Cut in line at taco bell. Ask for ice-water. Realize forgot to order tacos - too used to just ordering ice-water.

Anyway, I hope karma catches up to this guy in a bad way. And come next year, watch out if you start blatantly flaunting society’s laws. Because I am not standing for it any more.

¹Excluding people who live in Miami