Well, at least I think I’m funny.

For some reason me playing video games has come up a lot lately. This is most likely due to the fact that all I do lately is play video games. And tell everyone I know that my plans for that evening include playing video games.

Unfortunately, the typical response to this statement, when stated to girls, is “Oh! Do you have a Wii!?” To which I then respond, “No. I kill aliens and terrorists. I do not turn myself into some sort of cutesy monster and blow bubbles at people.”

I’d like to clear up right now that guys do not own the Nintendo Wii unless:

a) They are gay.
b) They live with their girlfriend who made them buy it.
c) They are mentally disabled.
d) They are a pre-pubescent Asian boy.

In a battle of Sam Fisher vs. Mario, I am certain that Sam Fisher would come out on top. In fact, I was going to do a whole list/comparison thingy, but just the images I found more than prove my point:

Mario

“My name is Mario! I dance and throw sparkly stars!”

Sam Fisher

“I am not telling you my name. I am, however, going to slice your throat with my utility knife.”

In light of recent news I’ll be talking politics today. Not MY politics, mind you, but politics in general…and why I hate politics and think they’re so utterly useless.

In the article linked above (in case you don’t like to click things for fear that, yes, there is, in fact, actually a mouse in that device on your desk and clicking it hits it with a tiny hammer which causes a reflex reaction to press a button sending the signal to the computer, powered by gerbils, who then are coerced with electrocution to run which sparks the inter-web to go to your desired destination) we see a perfect example of why I don’t like politics and politicians.

Before I continue I’d like to state that I am not choosing this article because Hilary is a democrat. I’m choosing it because I simply don’t think she’s a good candidate, and because I find it a good example of why she isn’t, and also why politics are annoying.

Alright, so basically Hilary had a reaction to a question that suggested that her husband, you may know of him, Bill Clinton, former President, is an evil man. Comparable to the likes of O-sam-sam, Saddam, and Kim Jong Il. Here are my issues with this:

1) She is deriding a former President and comparing him to ruthless, heartless, hairless, tactless, class-less, head-less, ball-less, cowardly, moronic, egotistical dictators murderers.

2) This former President also happens to be her husband. So much for being tough and great for standing by him. Not that we didn’t all know she was just sticking around to help her public opinion.

3) Then she blows it off and says she was thinking something completely different. Which is fine and I’d be tempted to believe that (if I had one less brain than I already do), except she also says:

“Oh, come on. I don’t think anybody in there thought that. I thought I was funny. You know, you guys keep telling me, ‘Lighten up. Be funny.’ You know, I get a little funny and now I’m being psychoanalyzed.”

Okay, so you weren’t talking about Bill…but wait, if you weren’t talking to Bill, then who was the joke about? You see what you did there? You tried to cover up with two different, idiotic defenses. That’s where you went wrong. Because together they make no sense. Why didn’t you just say: “Get it? Because Bill was an asshole and cheated on me!”

4) The best part about this whole thing is how much the good people of Iowa enjoyed this little quip! They actually think she’s a better person or more qualified or something, because of this joke! Really? That’s what it takes? Here’s what one Iowa…oian…?…says at the end of the article:

“I’m very impressed. Barack Obama will have to show something above and beyond to surpass what I heard today,” said Sandra Frericks, a retired financial planner from Bluegrass, Iowa.

Yes Mr. Obama, you’re sure gonna have to come up with a good “Yo Mamma” joke to nudge Hilary from the hearts and minds of America now. Although Ms. Frericks did say “show something,” so maybe she’s hoping for something more along the lines of a break-dance fight between Obama and anyone who dares challenge him.

Stay tuned to the news when McCain lines up the world’s 6 strongest retarded people and punches them in the stomach to show how “strong” of a President he’ll be. I hear Sandra is scalping front row seats to the event.

By now you’ve all heard about our new savior, Tom Cruise. I for one am outraged. This is just ludicrous. I mean, just DAYS after I announce our new savior to be Jack Bauer, the “Church” of Scientology comes out with this nonsense.

Obviously L Ron Hubbard and his cowardly band of miscreant good-faith spreading brain-washers saw my blog and simply refused to be outdone. My writings scared them and they needed to strike back - a simple “poopy joke” wouldn’t do. No, things needed to be much more drastic - a message sent to myself, Jack Bauer, and all of our followers. A message that said, “Not only are we willing to do what it takes, but we’re also crazy.”

Yes Scientologists have gone and proved what many of us have been suspicious of for years; they are complete morons. In fact, they have a whole website dedicated to filling you in about Scientology, Dianetics, and even the life and times of L. Ron Hubbard how incredibly stupid they are.

For example, did you know they have something called an E-meter? Here is the blurb about it:

The E-Meter®
pastoral counseling device

The Electropsychometer, or E-Meter measures the mental state or change of state of a person, helping the auditor locate areas of spiritual distress or travail so they can be addressed and handled in a session. The E-Meter does not in itself do anything to a person. It is a highly sensitive instrument that reacts to changes in mental activity.

Now, you’d think they are making up this “E-Meter” and that it would be very convoluded and complex-looking - but you’d be wrong. They actually have a picture of it. It appears to be a clock-radio from Target with two light-saber handles attached to it by stereo RCA cables. I’m guessing the path of yellow-to-red arrows indicates the weening of your body off of TV, Alcohol, tater-tots, graphic cinematic violence, and other God-given luxuries of life.

If you see Tom Cruise, or anyone who looks like they have only a letter for their first name, I urge you to take that moment to become a follower of 24ism. Please shoot them. It can be in the leg, it can be in the arm, just make sure they’re seriously injured and see that in their own way they’re contributing to terrorism in the United States. You can go right back to being a Christian or Hindu or whatever you were, afterwards. Just so long as you do your duty to protect our country, our sanity, and the film industry from the things we take for granted everyday. Because we’re not crazy.

As you all know my phone is tiny and slim and is of Samsung in make. Recently I have made a purchase of the same brand but of different electronic breed. I’m going to call him “Big Sam.” By now you have guessed that my phone will be “Little Sammy” or “Sam Jr.” No -my Davis.

I have been waiting for Big Sam now for…just about 10 days or so. He’ll be a great addition to my electronimly. That’s my word for “electronic family.” Man, I am a huge nerd…a huge nerd with a robot for a dad! Not really. Anyway, I have been waiting for Big Sam, as I said before I got into my robo-heritage, and arrangements with the shipping company have been frustrating at best.

First it was supposed to be delivered on Monday. Then I found out it was being delivered to their dispatch on Monday and I could set a drop-off time for today. Today I call at 10 and they say the trucks have already left to make their NYC deliveries so I have to wait until tomorrow. It is very, very frustrating, and something I can only convey in, well, you probably know what’s coming:

(sitting on his couch, waiting for the buzzer to ring)

Andy: I just want my damn TV…so I can SMASH it over their heads!

(buzzer buzzes, Andy let’s guy in to deliver Big Sam)

Delivery Guy: Hello sir, here’s your T–

(Andy grabs TV and smashes it over DG’s head)

Andy: WHO’S GOT THEIR TV NOW!?

DG: No one. You just smashed yours over my head.

Andy: YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT!

DG: Sir. You are ridiculous.

Andy: AM I?!? Or are YOU the one who is ridiculous for making me wait to play video games?!?!

DG: I didn’t make you wait. This is just how we work.

Andy: WITH TVs ON YOUR HEAD?! How unprofessional!

DG: Sir, i think you should go now. i am calling security.

Andy: But this is my apartment!

DG: Nevertheless. The police are on their way.

Andy: You come here, and smash my TV, and then call the police?!

DG: What? Sir, you smashed the TV on my head!

Andy: That’s not what Edgar will say, right Edgar?

(Andy looks over to couch where no one is sitting, then turns back to DG smirking craftily and nodding his head slightly.)

DG: …there’s no one there.

Andy: Don’t you call my friend a nobody!

DG: Uh, I didn’t…there just quite obviously is not a person sitting on that couch.

Andy: (considers this)…you may be right or you may be wrong. Now leave, before I render you supine!

DG: (sighs and turns to go)

(Andy quickly runs to his window and awaits DG’s exit from the building, then, leaning out the window…)

Andy: Oh, hey, Delivery Guy!

DG: My name is –

(Delivery Guy is splashed with a large amount of water from above)

Andy: You forgot your dolly!

DG: (under his breath, turning to walk away) …but that was a bucket of water…

(The dolly then falls on the man’s head)

Andy: Jerk!

So Big Sam, I know you’re sitting in Newark right now. I hope you’re anticipating myself and Little Sam as much as we’re anticipating seeing you. It will be glorious. But until then? Don’t liquify those crystals of yours for anyone.

I was reading one of my favorite sites, Engadget Mobile, today and came across an article about Steve Ballmer, a Microsoft honcho, and his reaction to the iPhone. Please watch the following interview:

Alright. This man is easily the stupidest person on the planet, and quite frankly, if I were Bill Gates, I would tell him so, and then hire someone to build me a platinum hammer with “Ball-breaker” engraved on the side, and then hit Steve Ballmer with it.

Let’s refute his idiocy:

Claim 1 - At $500, it is the most expensive phone in the world: So right away we know this guy can’t do something as simple as read, because, if he could, he would’ve most likely come up with the following, far more expensive, phones…as far as I know, they ARE available in this world, rather than just on Mars:

1) The hideous “Vertu” - Price? $310,000.
2) The Black Diamond - $300,000. I guess you buy this one if you need save $10 grand to buy a really, really, really…okay one more, REALLY nice oven mitt.
3) Goldvish’s Diamond Phone - A cool million. That’s right. 1 million damn dollars.

Also, I’d like to point out in this claim that $500 is wrong. The 8GB iPhone which was demo’d by Jobs at his Keynote is $599. Yeah, this guys seems credible already. If you’re going to bash something for it’s price, at least get it right. (note: in his defense there IS a $500 version of the iPhone, however, the one Jobs demoed at MacWorld was the larger, more expensive $600 model).

Claim 2 - No appeal to businessmen due to lack of keyboard - Okay, okay, he’s got me here, there is NO keyboard…except for the small fact that there is. It’s just only there when you actually need it, rather than taking up screen space, pocket space, and calling people in your pocket when you’re not expecting it too. But maybe Ballmer likes making jokes. Like when someone says “Hey, Ballmer! You just called me!” And he goes, “Oops! Must’ve gone off in my pocket! Hey! Maybe it wasn’t me, the Ballmer calling you, just my balls!….mer!” I’m guessing his jokes would be really stupid like that because he seems really stupid.

Claim 3 - They have lots of Windows Mobile phones out there, and the Q is now only $99 - Okay, these points are actually true - at least he knows something about his own company. However, what he may fail to realize is that Windows Mobile is quite possibly the worst operating system I ever had the experience of using. I’ve had a few WinMo devices and let’s just say that aside from having a clumsy interface, locked features (like a barely operable bluetooth), and lousy software (it is Microsoft afterall), it was the worst experience of my life. It is far from intuitive, not fun to use, and while the Q may be able to do music - so can about 200 other phones out there right now…the only difference is, they can’t hold iPod quantities (8 GB)…nor can they play video…or browse the web without special baby-versions…So yeah. You can buy the Q for $99. And I bet it’s probably almost worth every penny.

Claim 4 - “We are selling millions of phones a year, and Apple is selling 0″ - Oh touche Steve. You’re absolutely right! Apple isn’t selling any phones. Of course, Apple hasn’t released any phones either. It’s not like they have a phone out there and people are stink-fingering it as they walk by while it collects dust and sobs it’s mechanical, envious tears. Nevermind the fact that everyone I know wants this phone and can’t wait til it comes out. Including my Dad, who doesn’t even use Macs - in fact, he doesn’t even really like technology. And finds it useless. And he’s 60. But he wants an iPhone. So again, way to have your finger on the pulse of the industry. Let me know how your phone sales are doing in June. Maybe you can send me an email from your shitty Q and it’s plastic keyboard.

Claim 5 - Apple has “pre-eminent” position in the portable music/entertainment field - Wow. That’s like saying: “That Jack Bauer. He could most likely beat up my grandma.” Balls goes on to specify that in devices that cost over a certain amount of money and play music AND video, they’ve managed to take a whole 20%. Nice launch month, loser. He is also very proud of all the “wireless networking” ideas they have. Yeah, way to go. I’m sure that the iPhone, which will have both Bluetooth, and Wi-fi, not to mention be a phone, will have a really tough time competing with your ingenius Zune’s lame-ass tune-beaming. People just LOVE getting music from a friend and only being able to listen to it for 3 days. That won’t bother anybody.

A couple more points about the price issue as well. People have up until June to save $600. If you can’t save $600 in 11 paychecks, then chances are you don’t really want an iPhone that badly. Furthermore let’s look at some other outrageously priced products that sold INCREDIBLY well:

1) The RAZR - to buy this on a plan when it first came out was, I believe, $300. Off-plan it was more like $600. And guess what? People bought it. A lot of people. And then it came down in price. And now it haunts my dreams with it’s shittiness (not because it was shitty then, because at one point it WAS cutting edge, but now, well, the RAZR is just dull and has more useless spin-offs than Happy Days).

2) The Xbox 360 - This bad-boy is still $400, and was going for close to $1000 when it first came out and was FLYING off the shelves.

3) The PS 3 - Still soaring at $700, you better believe you will not be able to find one of these in a store anytime in the near future.

This interview is proof of the incredibly idocy of inside-the-box thinking that small-minded morons use to come up with reasons for why their shitty product, isn’t shitty, but is far better than an amazing product. In reality all it just conveys how stupid they are, how much better the iPhone is than anything they even had planned, and how jealous with rage they will be when it’s released and ultimately dominates the market.

I’m not typically one to go off the deep end with zainy ideas and crazy scenarios…oh…right. Well then, who better suited to write this post than myself: Andrew P. Lykens. The “P” stands for “crazy”!

The dawn of man came and went and throughout our history we have fought many wars, lived through many successful times, peaceful times, low times, high times, signs of the times, times tables, and the New York Times. Three big religions have been around for ages and while not everyone believes one thing, it seems most everyone believes something and those who don’t are persecuted harshly for being “non-believers” or “men of science” or “huge nerds.”

Naturally when one thinks of religion one thinks of Jesus and when one thinks of Jesus one thinks of saviors and when one thinks of saviors, one thinks of Jack Bauer…Jack Bauer and gunshot wounds to the leg. This led me to wonder what it would be like if Jesus and Jack Bauer were to have some sort of anachronistic old-west showdown. Modern weaponry and modern rules in a real cowboy fashion - Jesus and Jack going at it, guns blazing.

The obvious choice of victor is Jesus. But then I started to think about Jack and his skill sets, and how he’d fare. Quite honestly, I think it would be the most fair fight of all time. It’d be a struggle with hundreds getting killed in the fray, but Jack and Jesus at a standoff because neither will die (Jesus because he’s a deity and Jack because of sheer will-power) and neither will give in. If one of them chooses to give in, no doubt the other wouldn’t take his life due to the strict sense of honor both characters posess.

Then I got to thinking about the similarities between Jesus and Jack and after some brain-storming have come up with a brief list to compare the two and then rated each feat on a scale of 1-24:

VS.

Jesus:

- Turned water into wine, Rating - 15: While this is indeed a cool skill, it is only slightly above average because all it means is that Jesus will get you hammered for free. This skill is also accomplished by my friend Colin who works as a night club manager in State College, at “Players.” Skill also leads to sick friends, making out with ugly chicks, and gaining weight. All serious drawbacks.

- Died and rose from the dead, Rating - 20: An astounding feat, no doubt. However, due to Jesus’ close relation with God it loses a few points as it raises suspicion that the act was largely due to extreme nepotism.

- Turned a few loaves of bread and some fish into enough to feed thousands, Rating 17: Slightly better than drinking for free, and better for you. However, meals would be limited to some variation of fish and bread. Best possible scenario - Filet o’ Fish - without the mayo and lettuce.

- Helped blind men see, Rating - 10: Below average skill as helping blind people see detracts greatly from hilarity value of those guys with the canes thwacking random people wherever they go. Also, can’t rearrange furniture to play joke on blindies. I’d be worried about being sensitive to this audience, but they’ll never read this! Ha!

- Helped lame beggars walk, Rating - 1: Why would you help a lame beggar walk? It is this author’s opinion that if any beggars should be helped at all, you should only help the cool beggars. Christ, what were you thinking?

- Overturned tables in the temple when being used as a brothel/black market, Rating - 3: The only reason this feat merits any points more than 1 is because it is somewhat violent. Anyone with two arms or legs can overturn a table or two.

Jack Bauer

- Withstood knife carvings, electrocutions, and injections without confessing, Rating - 15: The reason for this high rating is the “without confessing” part. Jesus has also withstood torture (crucifiction) but kept on calling on his dad for help and now many of his followers have to confess on a weekly basis, potentially revealing highly top-secret information.

- Finger-breaking, Rating 20: Jesus broke bread with his would-be enemies. Jack breaks fingers. Far more effective. Typically, assailants are less intimidated by someone who pulls apart a loaf of rye (unless they are made of wheat) versus someone who slowly and deliberately snaps their digits like a bowl of freshly poured rice krispies.

- Ate a man, Rating 21: Did this while strapped to a chair with shackles on. Doesn’t make him a cannibal because he ate only enough to kill someone and not enough to spoil his appetite, making him both polite and effective.

- Responds proactively when subject to betrayal, Rating 19: Another similiarity between Jack and Jesus is betrayal. However, Jesus was killed after he had been betrayed. Jack continues to live. Also, Jack has been betrayed more than once. Also people that betray Jack tend to to be seriously injured or dead afterwards.

- Sawed off a guy’s head, Rating 23: Unlike Jesus in every way, this trait is tell-tale of Jack’s ballsiness. He actually sawed off someone’s head to prove he was worthy of a crime organization…only to infiltrate the organization and kick it’s ass. Jesus doesn’t saw people’s heads off - maybe if he did, there’d be a few less heathens in the world.

- Died and came back to life, Rating - 24: Did this without the help of God…twice.

So what’s the next step in all of this? Why, to start a religion of course. 24ism is what I’m calling it, and here are the guidlines.

The interior of the church will look like the command center of CTU - complete with computer terminals, tall plastic walls, an interrogation room, and a guy named “Johnson” who is occasionally called in to adminster doses of…things from syringes when people aren’t cooperating. Also, high on the main wall, there will be a large, yellow-clock, constantly counting the hours of the day going “Boop…beep….boop….beep.”

The bible for the church will be the CTU handbook, but, since the church is a following of Jack Bauer, it will be often contradicted in action and policy. In fact, the bible will be largely ignored by the membership and in it’s place will be an unwritten code of vigilantism. Of course, members of the church pointing out others going against the bible will be exposing themselves to the possibility that they are, in fact, terrorists and not true followers of Jack Bauer….so…you know….drama!

Tithings will be given in the form of random body parts from actual terrorists. The church will tout this as being an excellent way to fight terror on the homefront, however they expect some criticism from the public as they have no way of actually telling whether or not someone was a terrorist before their decapitation/dismemberment. They’re merely counting on the congregation to tell the truth - because that’s what Jack would do.

The pledge of allegiance will be used instead of prayers, people will carry guns instead of crosses, and in lieu of Sunday school, children will be sent to “safety.” Safety will be defined as any room with a lock and a table to hide under or cabinet or closet to hide behind or in. Simliarly, all hyms will be replaced with patriotic songs.

Confirmation will be replaced - rather than people being dunked in or doused with water, they will instead be shot in the leg…and then left in the jungle to die. Only when they return alive, in better shape than when they left, and with the head of a terrorist, clutched by the hair and brandished above their head, will they be admitted into the church as a member.

Finally, Christmas will be replaced by whichever day in January the 24 premiere first aired. Believers will give each other small packages, but rather than gifts, they will contain bombs that have to be diffused or a radius of 1.2 miles, which, depending on the wind, could spread radiation miles in any direction, causing the death of at least 100,000 people.

I urge you all to go out and shoot people in the leg to spread the good word of Jack. 24ism will sweep the nation as “the world’s bad-ass religion comprised of lethal, terrorist-killing machines!” Go, and may the power of Bauer fill your heart, mind, and trigger-finger.

The best poker player I know is black and incredibly thin. His face lights up when he’s excited, makes any kind of sound you can imagine or sometimes just lays down and shakes violently. He’s got access to all my friends but never contacts them, not unless I tell him to. But my friends contact me a lot through him. Unless of course, there is someone in particular I want to hear from.

He seems to know just when I’m totally bluffing. When I’m all in and all I have to stand on is a pair of two’s. He’s there. Completely silent. Motionless. He doesn’t even breathe. His face goes completely blank and if you were little crazy you just might think he was dead. He never gives himself away. And always with those damn buttons. Wearing buttons everyday for as long as I’ve known him. It’s like the neat rows of plastic buttons keep him completely straight laced - no sympathy, no emotion, just silence and a winning hand.

Sure, I win sometimes, but it seems when I really need the win I don’t get it. Those are the times I lose sleep over it. It’s like his stoic glaze completely imprecates me for the night. Cursed and befuddled I try to distract myself, but I can’t. He’s jinxed me. Bewitched me. Hexed me, tossed my optimism, hopes and happiness into a state of blight.

Somtimes I wish I never knew him. Other times, I’m glad he’s always around. Needless to say things probably won’t ever change between him and I so I better get used to it. Oh well, c’est la vie.

Coming from central Pennsylvania and having done the majority of my schooling there, I was exposed to many different types of white people and their corresponding gender-counterparts. For example:

1) Jocks/Cheerleaders
2) Nerds/Girls in Madrigals
3) Floaters/Girls in regular choir or theatre (musical and otherwise), or both, but not leads.
4) Gays/Girls who had the leads in theatre stuff
5) Vocational Hillbillies/Slutty cigarette-smoking class-failers, also wiggers.
6) Band nerds/Band nerds

Naturally there is some cross-over as some people in band were also in choir, etc, but these are the main categories. Also, by ‘floaters’ I mean the popular people that weren’t assholes, who pretty much got along with everyone - maybe they played a sport and were in band, or played a couple of sports and were smart, but you know who I’m talking about.

The category I’d like to dress are the Floater-girls. Floater girls were the best because they could be nice and mean and they were usually talented and smart too. Very well-rounded and generally fun to hang out with - though this opinion could be due mostly to the fact that I, being a Band Nerd, didn’t get to hang around them much. But luckily they Floated so occassionally our paths would cross.

Most of the girls in this category liked listening to country music. I’m not sure why. They certainly weren’t hillbilly counter-parts or jock-counterparts, and the Band and Lead-Theatre chicks usually listened to musical soundtracks or folk rock - with the occasional dab of R&B or Hip-Hop (think Lauryn Hill). But I was always impressed (and still am) by the girls who listened to country, mostly because they could usually sing and sing pretty well.

Of course the amazingly talented girls were impressive too, but what struck me just the other day, is that Floaters who listened to mostly pop music were lousy singers. In fact, most girls who listen to mostly pop music are lousy singers - they can’t hit pitches at all and have no rhythm or tone. But if a girl says she listens to country, I bet you any money she loves singing along to it and that she’s pretty darn good at it.

To me, this is a comment on music in general. Consider this: the average pop singer is typically a below average musician. They use auto-tune extensively because they can’t hit pitches, they’re boring and have no rhythm.

Though I’m not as familiar with Country Music, and less so with it’s production, here are some things to be noted - most country singers play an instrument or two. Not a lot of them write ALL of their songs, but the vast majority write most of them. Most instruments used on their records are live - meaning they have to sing and play in time and in tune with real people. I’m going to guess that auto-tune is used far less in the Country genre.

So, to all those lovely lady-Floaters out there, keep up the good work. Belt out those diddies and gain the respect of myself and everyone around you. For those of you listening to pop music? Shut the F up.

I was perusing MySpace today and checking out one of my thousands my only friend request. Upon looking at my friend’s page I see this YouTube thing embeded in his profile and click. Total mindblow. I haven’t seen this in years.

In case your head’s been under a rock, smashed to bits and leaking brains into the briny sea for the past few hours. Apple announced the iPhone. And it’s going to be on Cingular exclusively.

I can’t wait until June.