Well, at least I think I’m funny.

The other day I was walking around with Erik and he and I saw this guy walking his dog encounter this woman, also walking her dog. As dogs tend to do, they became incredibly excited at meeting other dogs and each began the ritual of wagging, sniffing, and hopping that we’re all familiar with.

It then occurred to me how hilarious it would be if there were humans that behaved in exactly the same manner - overly enthusiastic about literally everything they do:

(Andy is walking down the street with…fine I’ll give him a name, Ted, they see some people coming their way)

Ted: Oh my God.

Andy: Now Ted, just relax.

Ted: Oh my God!

Andy: Settle down Ted!

Ted: OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!

Andy: Ted! Relax!

Ted: Do you see those people! There’s PEOPLE coming! HERE THEY COME! They’re getting so close!

(Ted is now visibly exciting and starting to hop around a little, Andy is holding him back by his shirt collar)

Andy: Ted! We talked about this! You need to relax! Just calm down!

(Ted begins jumping up and down and waving his hands and arms, he then runs over to the two people and begins shaking their hands and jumping, he has a huge, open-mouthed smile on his face)

Ted: Oh my God! Hi! Hi I’m Ted! What’s your name?!Idon’tcare!Wannabefriends?!Ihopeso!Ilovemakingfriends!OhmyGodthisissoexciting!

Andy: Uh, I’m really sorry he just get’s really excited when he sees other people.

Ted: (shaking his ass furiously and doing a tremendous job of invading personal space) You smell great!! Is that cool water? WOW! You are AWESOME! I LOVE YOU! SO SO MUCH! I’m glad we’re friends now. We’re friends right?! Oh this is terrific!

Andy: (grabbing Ted’s arm and pulling him away) Alright, come on. Back to the apartment, let’s go.

Ted: OH BUT MY FRIENDS!! I don’t want to leave now! I just met some new friends! BYEBYE! BYE! SEE YOU SOON! Oh my gosh! Bye! Bye!!! (as he is being dragged away he continues to turn his head and look back every 3 seconds to see if his new friends are still there).

Andy: Alright Ted, they’re gone.

Ted: (quickly forgetting) Who’s gone? Hey! Let’s get some pie!

Of course that’s not the only scenario that would prove hilarious. If you happen to be getting dinner of have food of any sort and, say, get up to leave to go to the bathroom and set your food down - your friend would quickly consume as much of it as possible in your abscence. Then when you got back you’d be really upset: “Hey where’d my food go! Damnit Ted!” And Ted would just be standing there, smiling at you. And then as you get more food for yourself out of the fridge and sit down to eat it, Ted would just kind of loom near you wide-eyed with a voracious look and say:

“Man, that looks really, really good. Wow. I mean delicious. I can smell it. I can smell how good it tastes. Does it taste good? I bet it does. Man. I would love to just have the littlest bit of that.”

He’d continue this way until you gave him the tiniest bit of food which he’d swallow without tasting and then continue to harass you.

Then, a few hours later Ted would start to not look so good:

(Ted is just kind of sitting next to Andy and as Andy turns to him, Ted looks at him and looks downright miserable)

Andy: Ted is something wrong?

Ted: (silent, but still looking - makes a heaving motion)

Andy: Oh no. Ted! Ted are you alright?

Ted: (continues to stare, makes another heaving motion and shakes his head)

Andy: Alright, well get up and get to the bathroom! Let’s go! (Andy grabs Ted’s arm)

Ted: (goes somewhat reluctantly)

Andy: Alright almost the—

Ted: (Barfs up whatever he ate earlier)

Andy: *sigh*

Ted: Oh man I feel so much better! Hey you wanna go outside or something? Man I felt bad but now I feel good! Alright! (pumps fist in the air)

Andy: Damnit Ted! You coudln’t make it another 3 feet?

Ted: *shrugs* You win some you lose some…Let’s get some pie!

And let’s not forget some other endearing traits - like the hoarding and hiding of your socks. You’d come home and find stuff crammed under sofa cushions or stuffed under a mound of blankets:

Andy: Hey Ted have you seen my other sock?

Ted: …no.

Andy: Teeeeedd?

Ted: Hahaha! No! (Ted seems to get more excited and happy as Andy gets closer to wherever he’s crammed the missing sock)

Andy: (checking under the sofa) Here it is!

Ted: (very excited and happy) Hahahahahaha! YOU FOUND IT! Oh man! I was saving that, it just smelled so good! It remind me of you! That’s the best part! I figured I’d try and save it! But you found it! I rolled around on it a little so I could cover myself with its essence! Isn’t that great?

Andy: ….that’s really weird Ted.

Ted: Hahahahah! Let’s get some pie!

Naturally this would be entirely frustrating but all in all I think a friend with a dog’s mentality would ultimately endear himself to you. After all you’d have someone who always wanted to hang out and do whatever it is you wanted to do and who just thought that you are the bee’s knees. Alright, I’m off to get some pie.

I’d just like to give a big hearty welcome to the newest member of my family:

A Mark I Fender Rhodes. Welcome home big guy. Click the image for a sweet clip of how this baby sounds…

(Andy is at a vending machine with a dollar in hand to buy a soda)

Andy: Hey man, how’s it going?

Guy: Hey Andy, not too great. I feel like the world is crashing down on me.

Andy: Oh no, what’s wrong?

Guy: Well, it’s just that I don’t know if I’m going to be able to afford to pay my rent this month - not to mention eat.

Andy: That’s awful. I thought things were going well for you, what happened?

Guy: Well I lost my job a couple weeks ago and haven’t been able to find anything yet. I have like 70 bucks in my checking account.

Andy: (raises his dollar to the dollar-taking-receptacle) That’s rough. You think you’ll be able to find work soon?

Guy: I’m not sure…I’m just (he notices the dollar)…say, can I have that?

Andy: Uh…you want my dollar?

Guy: Yeah - wow!

Andy: It’s just a dollar dude, I don’t think it’ll really help you pay rent -

Guy: Oh, no, no, no, I would never ask a friend for money.

Andy: …but you -

Guy: It’s for my collection.

Andy: Your collection?

Guy: Yeah, my dollar bill collection.

Andy: …you “collect” dollar bills?

Guy: Absolutely - I have since I was a kid. Man, I must have a million of ‘em, at least!

Andy: You have a million one dollar bills in your “collection”?

Guy: Yep. I tell you what, I’m running out of space I’ve got so many!

Andy: Why don’t you use that to pay your rent?

Guy: You mean sell part of my collection? I dunno…I’m just not sure it’d be worth it.

Andy: No, you don’t sell the dollar bills, you just -

Guy: Although I do have some pretty old Washingtons…they’ve gotta be worth something, right?

Andy: ….what?

Guy: I don’t know. I’m just not so sure I could part with any of them. I mean, I have my very first dollar EVER in there! You don’t think I’d have to get rid of that one do you? I guess it’d be worth the most since it’s the oldest though…

Andy: Do you even understand how money works?

Guy: (ignoring the question) No. I won’t do it. I can’t part with a part of my history just so some sleazy landlord can buy his fancy, high-brow, all-beef hot-dogs. It’s decided. My collection remains whole! Thanks Andy, you’ve been a big help. I’m gonna put your dollar bill right on top! In the mean-time, back on the job hunt!

Andy: You’re welcome…?

Guy: Just remember, if you see me begging on the street, help a man out and get him a triple-shot, no-whip, non-fat mocha latte.

Andy: I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.

Of all the things to take from a baby, I would think candy would be one of the more difficult. Granted, this level of difficulty may still be considered ‘easy,’ but on the whole I think a child would be much more reluctant to give up a snickers than spinach.

Other things a baby wouldn’t be reluctant to give up:

1) Smoking
2) A mobster
3) Pool Calisthenics
4) The judging glares of mother

Other things a baby WOULD be reluctant to give up:

1) A pacifier.
2) It’s thumb-sucking.
3) Watching 24¹
4) A blanky.

This brings up another interesting question - there is a superhero, of sorts, based on spinach - Popeye. However, is there a superhero who is fueled by candy? One doesn’t immediately come to mind, and candy mascots don’t count. If there WAS a candy-fueled super hero, I’m guessing his powers would be the following:

1) Super-sticky fingers
2) Incredible speed (followed by prolonged power-naps)
3) Invincible teeth

Arch-Nemesis: Denny the Dentist
Weakness: Diabetes and Crest

¹This is just a hunch and largely unproven by Science.

Here I am sitting at Me-deski, wondering what it Wood be like to own a Martin guitar played by Scofield….? I tried. Really Me-deski is the only one that worked.

If you haven’t figured it out quite yet, I am listening to the latest CD release by Medeski Martin and Wood, which features John Scofield - leading to the ever creative title “Medeski Martin Scofield Wood.”

It is totally awesome. If you are into music that doesn’t suck, I would like to recommend this disc.

On a side note, lately at the gym, rather than listen to shitty 3 minute popular songs, I’ve started using jazz fusion. It’s tremendously better and my workouts go by 10 times as fast. I’m not sure if it’s because the tracks are 10 minutes long a piece, or if the music is just better, but something about it is awesome.

I don’t consider myself a vain person, I’m way too awesome and handsome for that, but I like to google my name to see what links come up. Mostly, they deal with either my website, my job, ultimate frisbee, or playing trombone. But apparently I’ve acquired a brand new skill, the skill of Baptism. Yes, the last result on the first page of results resulting from a Google search comes up with the following:

If I were a Baptist, I like to think I’d be a pretty creative one. I’d be like a hip, new Baptist, not like John (Jesus’ cuz), who just took people to a river. LAME. First I’d get one of those floating basketball hoops. Then I’d figure out a way to light just the hoop part on fire. Next I’d grab the baby and say “You’re gonna get slammed dunked with God’s firey love!” The show would conclude with me leaping of a pier and slam-dunking the baby with Baptismal authority through the firey Jesus hoop.

I could also change it up. Like sometimes I’d shoot the trey and miss on purpose, and then jump off the pier and jam the baby after rebounding it. Other times I might ask for the assistance of a nun, or better yet, someone in the crowd, to alley-oop the little heathen to me while I slam it down into God’s pool of eternal life.

Rest assured I’d make the Baptism something to remember, not just some lame water splashing.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my new apartment. My roommates are great. It’s so nice to come home and know that I will not be forced to stay in my room all night because some Euro-trash hippie and her retarded boyfriend are making out on the couch and playing “music” loudly while cooing at each other and fondling their rinky-dinks under a cover like two junior high-schoolers out of the spotlight of adult supervision for the first time. I don’t miss that. At all.

However my new, and generally terrific, roommate - we’ll call her Gerbils - Gerbils loves the show “The Hills.” I’m not sure if you’ve seen this show, probably not if you are male and operate under your own free will, but it is about a bunch of over-privledged rich, hot, white girls with killer internships at places talented and smart people would never get into (ie: the fashion and music industry). Then they all whine about how terrible their lives are.

What’s perhaps even more incredible, is the amount that all these “friends” hate each other and stab everyone in the back. The girl front and center in the picture seems to be the only regular and sane person on the show. And by regular and sane, I mean decent enough to be a good friend, who doesn’t go around banging all of her friends’ boyfriends, and smart enough to be able to at least show up to work and then actually do something. I’m okay with her…though I don’t know her name. Everyone else? Well, they’re all complete retards. With rich parents. They seem like the kind of people who say things like “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” and send their food back 15 times at a restaurant. And the guys these chicks date? Good lord - I haven’t seen so many frosted tips since I locked my last waiter in a freezer¹!

This show makes me puke. Thanks MTV, for ruining society and culture. I have a great concept for next season. Take the girls from the hills, enlist them in the Peace Corps, and then watch them slowly die in Africa from grody bugs and icky potties!

¹I know, I know.

What Erik forgot to mention (and maybe this is because he blocked it out) is a hypothetical situation that I dreamed up while we were at Carne Vale - staring at food we didn’t want and watching entertainment that wasn’t really entertaining. It’s a bit of a conundrum but, kind of a fun one - and possibly useful as well.

What if you had a dog and that dog lost half of one of its limbs? Then, after taking him to the vet, the vet informs you that amputing the limb isn’t an option and the dog must be fitted with a prosthetic. He then takes you to a back room where there is a modern day smith, able to construct any type of prosthetic limb you’d like. What would you choose to put on your dog’s foot?

Here are some of my favorite answers:

1. The reverse shovel - this would basically look like a narrow bulldozer scoop, only on a much smaller scale, and with the scoop facing backwards. This way the dog could continue to dig as normal, if not much easier. Also you could potentially train the dog to scoop it’s own poop.

2. The Hook - This old standard would be good as your dog would be able to grab onto stuff and hoist itself with a pretty good grip, however it could end in catastrophe as it tries to stratch itself or jumps up on your guests upon being excited at their arrival.

3. The Wooden Peg - Fairly boring and useless…that is until Halloween rolls around each year. Excellent for making tasty mojitos.

4. The Pincer - An interesting alternative and sort of hook-like upgrade. Not only could the dog hook things, but it would have moveable pincers with which it could grasp stuff. However, this would probably prove a pain as you’d have to clean it out after each walk. Handily though, you could blame your drunken ass-pinchings on the dog.

5. Springs - This option is rather extreme as it would cause you to have to half-amputate the other three of the dog’s legs - however, the dog would then be fixed onto springs and be able to bound around with little to no effort. I think this one would provide the pooch with the happiest lifestyle.

6. The Human/Gorilla Hand - This would be a fully working gorilla or human hand (perhaps not so much a transplanted real one as a fully operable robotic one). This way, the dog could participate in all kinds of great activities - frisbee, swash-buckling, and sign language just to name a few.

7. The Retractable Grappling Hook - Last but not least - what about an attachment that had a grappling hook to which was attached 50 feet of industrial strength repelling cable? Your dog could fire his grappling hook and then retract it, allowing him to lift himself to upper balconies, extract himself (or others) from wells, and even retrieve stuff that’s far away from where he is.

The most interesting thing about all this is what the dog would learn to do that we haven’t even thought of. They’re always scheming about ways to get into food and trash, and some of these would go a long way towards achieving that goal. What would you choose?