Well, at least I think I’m funny.

Is it just me or does it seem like people are finally taking the environment seriously? Years back when it was first brought to our attention, there seemed to be some brief concern about ol’ Ma nature - she was no longer the healthy grandmother we once pictured, but a tatted up biker grams who smoked crack and pooped into fresh-water supply - and all the worry subsided fairly quickly.

Lately, however, there seems to be a much larger focus on the environment only this time it seems like it actually may stick. Sure, we won’t get the poor people onboard yet, and various ultra-con doubters will still toss their arguments into the mix, but as gas prices continue to climb up to just shy of a Lincoln for a gallon, and polar bears lose their frosty habits and become just plain ol’ bears, people are quickly sidling up to new products and latching themselves onto things that have to do with the color green.

Bloomberg is making sure the taxis are all green by 2012, Steve Jobs is touting that his Apple hasn’t fallen far from the trees, and even my role-model Jay-May is coming up with ways to pave the way plant the seed for viridescence in our daily lives (you’ll have to scroll down a bit for the article I’m talkin’ ’bout…Willis).

I was pretty skeptical of everything the first go around and I didn’t really pay attention to my own wasteful habits. Also it was hard to imagine that I could possibly be doing ANYTHING wrong.

Still, I rode my bike pretty much all the time and now I don’t even own a car. Since everyone seems to be at least doing something I was thinking about going a little greener and figured it wouldn’t be too much of a struggle to bring my own grocery bags with me to Trader Joe’s. That’s my green resolution. Here’s a list of other things I considered and why I rejected them:

1) Wear “Incredible Hulk” shirt around - rejected due to lack of preposterously huge muscles…and lack of Incredible Hulk shirt.

2) Sing “It’s not easy bein’ green” once a day - rejected due to the fact that it actually is pretty easy to be green, it’s just inconvenient. Considered changing lyrics to “It’s only slightly inconvenient bein’ green.” Didn’t flow.

3) Self-powered Electronics - Difficult and messy to bottle one’s own methane.

4) Considered suiting up a Kangaroo with avionics and flight apparatus to substitute air travel - rejected due to phobia of Kangaroos.

5) Cancel Franklin Talk - rejected due to increase depression of Franklin which would lead to binge-eating and thusly more pooping outside, potentially harming the environment more than saving the electricity it takes to record Franklin Talk.

Today I almost died. Alright, that’s an exaggeration. But I did almost get hit by a taxi. Here’s how:

I started crossing 5th Avenue right where 5th and Broadway collide on 23rd street. The man was white, the hand then started to flash, then as I was about 5 feet from the sidewalk the hand stopped flashing and this cab driver comes around the corner, making a right onto 5th Ave.

As I take my last few steps to the sidewalk, this turd of a human jerks his cab forward closer to my legs and honks all while yelling something angrily (his windows were up, though I’m sure it was poignant and eloquent).

A few things.

1) If the hand has stopped, the light is either yellow or red for opposing traffic. I’ve come to observe when the hand stops flashing there is approximately 5 seconds of yellow light time to cross the street. This means that he was either running a red light, or, not yielding to yellow.

2) I am a pedestrian in a cross-walk going with traffic. I have the right of way.

3) Right on Red is NOT permitted in New York City as far as I know.

This has happened to me so often in this city. These morons run the red lights to make their turn, and then yell at the people who are most of the way across the street, honking at them like a horny goose, and then make threatening motions with their vehicles as if to say “You’re obeying commonly known traffic-law! Die!”

A guy in a Verizon van (don’t even get me started on Verizon) did this to me a while back and had the audacity to stop his fan and scream at me after I made a loud remark about which part of a butt I thought he was.

Listen up assholes. YOU are running a light. YOU are making an illegal turn. I have the right of way. Just give me the extra 5 seconds to get across the street. You’ve already stuck your stupid jerk-face b-hole into the intersection and congested traffic, so you are just going to have to deal with being “that guy” while I take the two steps it takes me to get to the curb and out of your way.

The best part is when these morons get all worked up only to find when they come around the corner, they can only get about another foot because the traffic is backed up to the cross-walk already. So now they are sitting in the middle of the cross-walk and breaking yet another traffic law.

After all this crap elapsed I began thinking about a great new invention: Cab-Bashers. If you’ve ever seen a pair of Hulk Hands (and by God, I hope you have as they are about the coolest thing ever), they’d be like that. Only made of titanium. If a cab pulls a jerk move, just smash down on the hood. Case closed. Engine ruined. Cabbie enraged. Andy? Satisfied.

Just a quick post to let you know that WordPress finally got some awesome-pants out of it’s closet.

All my archives are now available on the side.

I bet you didn’t even know I’ve been blogging this long. For shame!

Most of the (insert self-deprecating number) people who read this blog have met me and therefore have come to expect a certain amount of random assholery in my behavior and speech. Thusly, I give you random thoughts I’ve had recently:

1) If a ninja gets hurt, does the doctor refer to it as a ninjury?

2) Al Roker is quite possibly the most entertaining TV personality ever. I can’t figure out why but whenever I have the Today show on I get really excited to see him.

3) If I were to start my own brand of crackers, I would just call it “Honkies.”

4) I know I wouldn’t if I were related in some way, and I think I definitely shouldn’t find this hilarious, but as it stands, I do:

5) I am working on a new Franklin Talk. I only have one part of it thought up so far, but it’s a doozy.

6) If Franklin were a doctor, and if Erik still drew cartoons, there would be one with Franklin in a lab coat with one of those big reflectors on his head. He’d be handing the patient something and saying “Take two of these and call me in the morning.” And the patient would be responding “But these are snausages!”

The following is a bopy and baste of an IM conversation I had with the Brewer regarding his crappy new phone:

The Brewer: but everytime i go to set an mp3 as my ringtone, it says not allowed

Andy: cool, that’s helpful

The Brewer: i had a similar problem with my old phone

The Brewer: so, i shall remedy it this weekend with a stop to best buy

Andy: did you turn it off and turn it back on?

The Brewer: no, i did not

Andy: I’d do that

Andy: if that doesn’t work, try expanding the parameters

The Brewer: mayhaps if i open a new socket — for mp3s — it would work

Andy: that should’ve been the first thing you checked!

Andy: I’m taking you off com

The BrewerPatriot: no, i can do this

Andy: you obviously have your mind on other things

The Brewer: andy, you know i am the best chance you have at getting the job done

Andy: *sigh* fine. But one more slip up and I’m transferring you to district

Andy: and from now on you report everything to Chloe

The Brewer: i can accept that, now let me get back to work

The Brewer: i won’t let you down

Andy: go.

“I bet I can fit more guns in my pants than you can!”

The question is, did this kid already know he could fit so many guns in his pants, or did they have to teach him the gun concealing techniques?

People think these are funny? Not that I’m saying I think everyone should find me funny…but what I AM saying, is that with the exception of Overheard in New York, none of the blogs on this page made me laugh at all. At. All.

I’m surprised Carlos Mencia doesn’t have a site up there. Good luck society, have fun being idiots.

Why do people wear bluetooth headsets when they’re walking around? I can see using them in the car or possibly in the office, but just wandering around outside while your wife takes you shopping for fake bags and stupid sunglasses she’ll never wear? Useless.

Maybe they think it makes them look cool or hip or rich or something. Or perhaps these people are so lazy they never want to actually touch their phone…of course, you know if they’re that lazy they’re not going to bother figuring out how to use the voice-dial features. I don’t know…I have two bluetooth headsets and I haven’t used one since I crashed my car into a big pillar of common sense.

I suppose if you’re just leaving your office and going to your car you might want to leave your bluetooth headset on. If you’re not going far and you have a long commute or are playing hooky from work and need to be readily available should someone happen to call. But here in New York, people take it a step further. People wear their bluetooth headsets in the subway.

For those of you who aren’t privy of having a subway in your city, let me explain - nothing cellular works in a subway. If someone is “on the phone” in the subway they are either crazy, or they just HAPPENED to be at that ONE spot at 34th street where for some reason you get a tiny bit of signal, got a call, stupidly answered expecting to be able to chat thinking “This time will be different. This time it will last,” and then immediately lost signal and rather than looking stupid for having answered their phone in the subway, they pretend to continue to talk to the person who is no longer able to hear them.

So it baffles me when I saunter underground to find a myriad of people wearing Bluetooth headsets:

(Andy coming down the stairs and passing through the turnstyle and onto the subway platform…)

Bluetooth Guy: Hey! Look at me!

Andy: I’m sorry?

BG: I said ‘look at me!’ I have important calls to make!

Andy: …I see. Well….good luck…with all those calls…

BG: People need to be able to reach me at all times!

Andy: You must be very important.

BG: I am! I take the subway because I can’t afford to drive a car into the city each day!

Andy: But if people need to reach you at all times, then there’s a good amount of time you’re spending underground where there’s no cell phone signal.

BG: Oh, there’s a signal. I have one of those antennae-boosters from those info-mercials on my phone!

Andy: Those are proven to not work at all.

BG: It works!

Andy: Alright, make a call then.

BG: Right now?

Andy: Right now.

BG: Okay…just let me get out my phone…(reaches in pocket, takes out phone) Beepboopbweepbobeep!

Andy: …umm, I think you actually have to push the buttons. Not just make fake beeping noises.

BG: Hello, friend? Yes friend. No friend. Friends! Regards! Call’s done! (he puts his phone away)

Andy: …that was the fakest phone call of all time. You don’t have to say “Call’s done!” after the call is over. In fact, it sounded like you’ve never actually had a phone conversation before.

BG: But I…

Andy: Waaiiiit a minute. You HAVEN’T ever had a phone conversation before! It’s all a sham!

(subway train starts to pull into the station)

BG: NO! LOTS OF PEOPLE CALL ME! I AM IMPORTANT! BLUETOOTH!

Andy: I don’t believe you! I think you’re a big stupid liar who just thinks he looks cool wandering about with a bluetooth headset on!

BG: I…! I..!

(as the train gets closer, Bluetooth Guy tosses himself in front of it)

Andy: Wow! That was extreme, but probably for the best.