Well, at least I think I’m funny.

I guess if you’re retarded I can see why you wouldn’t like the iPhone. Your dislike probably also stems from the fact that you’ve never used a mac for more than a day (”how do I get to internet on here?”) and that you love your Motorola Q which you paid $300 for when it came out and it’s got…all these…buttons…I love buttons! I have to have buttons!

Erik pointed me to this particular website in which the author outlines 17 reasons why the iPhone sucks…yes, I’m aware the web address says “15″ but, honestly, does that surprise you?

Dear asshole. Read more.

The iPhone comes out in about 5 minutes and this jerk’s reasons are based largely on speculation and what other people have read and said. He is going to look back at his shitty list in about 2 weeks and realize what a jackass he was, and that he should religiously check Engadget Mobile to get his facts straight. So then, refuting your claims…

1. At $599, it is ridiculously expensive. (Add in the cost of an AT&T contract and you get close to $1500)

*sigh* is it REALLY “ridiculously” expensive? We’re talking about a video iPod here that is also a phone and an internet browser. If you were to buy a new video iPod, it would cost you $250. If you were to buy a top-of-the-line brand-new-blackberry, it would cost you around $300. So I guess the $50 difference for this asshole is what breaks the bank. Then he adds in the 2-year annual contract of AT&T.

Dude, if you haven’t figured out how to get out of a phone contract without paying a fee, you truly are a moron. Secondly, you have to pay monthly money ANYWAY no matter WHAT PHONE SERVICE and no matter WHAT PHONE you have. Moving along.

2. Those who want to buy one must sell their soul to evil mega-corporation AT&T.

Why is a corporation that has the coolest, most advanced phone in the US (and, arguably in the world) evil? What part of my soul am I selling? Here’s the problem brosef. You know how when you take out your Verizon phone and, unless it’s WinMo, you have the same shitty interface as every other Verizon customer? And you know how you can’t receive files via bluetooth on it? And you know how you can’t get ringtones unless you buy them from Verizon’s online store? And you know how they disable a bunch of other useful features so you have to pay to use their built-in service? That’s what I call evil. And WinMo isn’t much better as far as feature-rich software. I can’t wait to see Verizon’s “iPhone Killer” when it comes out. I imagine it will go the way of the Zune, only faster, and stupider if possible.

On AT&T I can buy any damn phone I want and do whatever the hell I want and use every single feature in it. Not to mention my monthly iPhone plan cost will only be $5 more per month than what I pay now, only it’ll have unlimited data transfer and text messaging too. Stuff it.

3. Japan already has technologically superior phones, and they’re far cheaper.

Uh, no they don’t. They have knock-offs that don’t work. Again, Engadget.

4. Slower internet than the commercials show: “The data experience is going to be very slow. If you’re on a cellular network, [using the Internet] is going to be very slow.”

Oh you simple-minded horse-masturbater. Again, if you’d read Engadget you’d know that today as AT&T users were hookin’ up their browsers to the web, they were noticing consistently faster EDGE data speeds. Up to 200kb/sec +. Guess how fast 3G is? Awww.

5. Initial reports indicate that YouTube is slow and crappy using cellular network internet. It’s nothing like in the commercials.

Alright, even if YouTube DOES turn out to be slow (which it won’t), do you REALLY like YouTube that much? It really seems like you’re just fishing for things to add to your useless list at this point…or you love to watch teenage asian boys lip synch - I don’t know, I don’t know which it is.

6. You cannot remove its battery. Thanks for replicating one of the biggest complaints about the ipod, Apple!

So you take out your current phone battery now and do what with it exactly?

7. The glass touch screen of the iPhone guarantees that thousands of customers who drop their phones will have cracked screens.

I hate to tell you, but if you drop a phone with a plastic screen, that’ll crack too. The glass is also less along the lines of the beaker you were kept in as an embryo, and more along the lines of Pyrex.

8. The touchscreen keyboard sucks, according to those who have used the phone.

Apparently you DO read Engadget. But apparently you didn’t watch the keyboard video on Apple. You only have to type with one finger for the first week. Then, after the keyboard LEARNS HOW YOU TYPE, it ADJUSTS ITSELF to make typing incredibly fast and easy with two thumbs. And by the way, the only person who has used the phone for one week so far is Steve Jobs. So I’m not sure why you’d even consider this information.

9. It can’t send MMS picture messages.

Yes it can.

10. It has no built-in sync with Outlook that is as secure as a RIM BlackBerry or Windows Mobile.

Yes it does.

11. It lacks proper support for Flash websites. So much for the internet.

Guess you’ll have to check out strong bad at home. Rather than BROWSE THE INTERNET FOR HOURS ON A 3.5″ SCREEN. Idiot.

12. It can’t record video.

Prove it.

13. No instant messaging.

iChat anyone?

14. It can’t connect to corporate e-mail networks, so don’t see it replacing your BlackBerry any time soon.

Yes it can.

15. No songs as ringtones.

I’m sure Fergie is crushed you can’t show your support for her 24/7. But again, prove it.

16. No GPS.

Yeah but, you never go anywhere - except into your closet to cry when you get a Blue Screen or try to do something remotely cool on WinMo. So, you go find me another phone in the US that has GPS. Oh it’s on Sprint? Right.

17. It creates incredibly annoying iPhone fanboys.

And thank God for us. Because if we weren’t out there standing up for John Appleseed against illiterate posers who don’t check their sources who haven’t even used the thing and just plain hate Apple stuff just because it’s apple, no one would be here to point out how stupid, wrong, and ugly you are (I’m guessing on that last one but I’m willing to bet I’m right - I bet you’re fat too).

There is something about suspending something in mid air and rescuing a choking room from the clutter lodged in its corners. It’s like the day after the worst day of a cold and you cough and fire out this huge wad of yellow-hard stuff that you just know should not have been there in the first place, and you feel accomplished in having rid yourself of it forever.

This weekend I mounted my TV to the wall. It involved drilling 3/4″ holes through drywall and metal, using toggle bolts, and the brute strength of a friend. Sure it doesn’t sound that difficult, but there were numerous obstacles I had to overcome throughout the course of putting this thing up that were a pain in my butt.

Now that it’s up, I have no need for a huge corner desk, a desktop computer, and the endless amounts of trash I would pile on top of said desk.

Anyway, here is a blurry picture taken by my shaky hand with my phone’s camera:

Be jealous.

Brewer and I were IMing. I’m not going to link him because I link him enough and he’s a big quitter anyway. Anyway, here is our IM conversation in which we created a ridiculously long dialogue between Erik and a passer-by while Erik is walking Franklin:

Guy: What’s franklin like?

Erik: Well, he’s actually pretty frugal.

Guy: Your dog is frugal?

Erik: Yes

Guy: Because he doesn’t spend much money?

Erik: That’s right - he doesn’t spend much. Hardly any at all really.

Guy: Don’t you think he doesn’t spend money because he is a dog, and not because he is frugal?

Erik: I don’t see what you mean.”

Guy: He is a dog.

Erik: Right.

Guy: So he doesn’t spend money.

Erik: No, he doesn’t spend MUCH money. Hardly any in fact. I can’t remember the last time he even got out his wallet.

Guy: He has a wallet?

Erik: Of course he has a wallet! Where would he keep his money?

Guy: Where does he keep his wallet?

Erik: I’m not sure, I haven’t seen him take it out in a while. It isn’t polite to talk about money with friends.

Guy: But it’s your dog.

Erik: I know. He’s sensitive.

Guy: I thought you said he is frugal?

Erik: He’s many things to many different people.

Guy: What does that even mean?

Erik: So frugal people can’t be sensitive? Jeez, you’re an asshole. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Franklin and I are off to by a race car.

Guy: I thought you said he is frugal!

Erik: Oh he is. I am the Spendy Spenderson. Franklin will be telling me the whole time about how we should get the least expensive race car possible.

I am not a stand-up comic. The guys who do that stuff are way more clever than I am. Though it’d be a lot of fun to do stand-up, I’ve actually sat down to come up with stuff and, well, the results came out about as well as the results of drinking a gallon of coffee after a bean-inclusive binge-eat (see? And that was the funniest thing I could come up with there).

If I am talking to the right person who understands my jokes, they will think I am funny, but on the whole most jokes I make are met with blank stares followed by a quick pardon and a faster escape.

It was this feeling that allowed me to come up with the following analogy:

When am I talking to people, it is often like I am bombing a set of stand-up comedy.

Now granted, a lot of times I just talk too much as I somehow got into the habit of talking when I’m nervous. This isn’t really people not understanding my humor as it is me being asshole. But when I am talking to someone without Erik standing right next to me, often my pithy remarks turn into pissy word that rhymes with “remarks” that means “comments that should be forgotten.”

Wow. Maybe I should quit blogging too? Nah, you jerks aren’t that lucky.

If New York was the woods and if I was hunter and people under the age of 25 were big game, I ‘d be really excited. I’d take my big, bright orange, plastic shotgun and go a-huntin’. Intern huntin’.

Interns are everywhere right now. This morning I went into Starbucks and I saw these two cute lil’ kiddos who are just oozing with “OMG! I have an internship in NYC!” with their hip new clothes and fresh faces and reading of danon lit’n'fit yogurt labels. Ladies, it’s yogurt. It doesn’t matter what’s in it, it’s not going to be bad for you.

Unless someone puts a nail in there. Then it would be bad for you. But who would eat something with a nail in it?

Last night I went out drinking with my ex-co-worker and when he bailed I was drunk enough to go hang out with 3 cool kids from Arizona State (Go Sun Devils! A devil from the hottest planet! That’s the worst kind of Devil!). They were very nice. They kept talking about Skee ball. But then we just played Big Buck Hunter. I don’t remember what else I talked to them about. I’m pretty sure I was mostly unintelligible.

Also there were lunch boxes on the wall of the bar (if anyone knows this bar, please tell me because I don’t remember the name or the streets) and we reminisced about them. You know, the old metal ones with cartoon characters on them? I quizzed them as to the name of one of the Sesame Street characters. No one knew. I was ashamed of them.

I said “You idiots! Her name is Margaret Cho!” They didn’t get the joke. Since it was a reference to my blog and they don’t read my blog…and since it was a reference to the future.

I think gave them my business card. I wonder if they’ll google me and find this terrible blog with this random post.

At any rate. Welcome interns. I hope you fill all your skee-ball playing desires in this, our city of New York.

I was hanging out with your friend and mine, the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey the other day, and we thought it would be best if we were able to find him a sidekick.

We came up with a few - Lactose intolerant frog-boy, The Stuffy Nosed Hippo, and we actually had an appointment to meet with the Incredible Shrinking Giant, but we couldn’t find him.

All was lost but then I was walking home from work something happened. As I crossed over 4th Avenue one of the motor vehicles caught my eye. I did a double-take. Luckily for you, I was able to snap a quick picture of it with my phone:

Yes, I actually took that picture with my phone and didn’t download it from somewhere. Ladies and Gentlemen, behold - Tiny Skateboarding Monkey’s new sidekick: Average-Sized Motorcycling Dog.