Well, at least I think I’m funny.

Recently I came across an interview that made me think, “this is retarded and self-important, I’m jealous!” But you know what it wasn’t? Funny. Do you know what those bloggers aren’t? Funny. Guess what. I am hilarious. So rather than sit around and wait for people to come and interview me and ask me how I got so hilarious and important, I figured I would interview myself.

MeQ: Let’s get right down to business.

MeA: But I hate business.

MeQ: No I mean, I’m going to start asking me questions now.

MeA: Oh ok. You meant “business” phonetically.

MeQ: No, no I think you mean figuratively.

MeA: No I meant phonetically.

MeQ: …

MeA: …

MeQ: …ok, first question. When did you first know that you were a hilarious genius?

MeA: Sorry, I don’t meant to correct you early but, “are” a hilarious genius. I guess I first figured it out when I sat down at the computer to write. It was years ago, before even White Dade. Who has quit. I’m like the iron man of blogging. My pecs are made of titanium. Anyway, I wrote a few words down and thought myself: “self, you are hilarious! Your writings will become important and influential.”

MeQ: Interesting. So it wasn’t until you read what you wrote that you knew? People didn’t find you funny earlier?

MeA: Oh heavens yes. But that was more like funny “ha-ha” and this was more like funny “ha-he.” Which is different. You probably wouldn’t know because you’re part of the idiot populous, rather than a savvy, 2 and 3 quarter’s year veteran of amateur literary comedic stylings, like myself.

MeQ: Ah, excellent! Does self-importance come in handy when blogging?

MeA: No. Absolutely not. You have to be totally humble. When I sit down and realize all the thousands, perhaps even millions, of people who read my blog and then discuss it in their pathetic everyday lives - you can’t be arrogant. You have to realize what a profound effect your writings and thoughts will have on the nation, and the world.

MeQ: But can’t “just anyone” start writing a blog? All you have to do is sign up.

MeA: Yes. But their Technorati rating, which dictates how worthwhile your entire life is, will be miniscule. I mean, if my rating dropped lower, I’d slit my wrists. Phonetically speaking of course.

MeQ: Of course. How do you get such tremendously funny and insightful ideas for blogs?

MeA: When I sit down to blog I have a little ritual to get my creative juices flowing. First I take 3 very deep breaths to center myself. I follow this with an imagery technique, lengthening my neck so my shoulders are relaxed. Then I snort an Emergen-C packet and quickly jerk-off into a small cup of cranberry juice. I gratify myself so I can gratify others. It’s cyclic. Like a cycle, or a circle even.

MeQ: Incredible! Learning your creative process…it gives me such insight into my own retarded life! Almost like…almost like I can give myself a reason to not do something because I’m too busy researching what others are doing! Now let’s go over some of your really great original works. Can you name a few?

MeA: Oh my goodness, there are SO so so so so so so so sew-

MeQ: Sew?

MeA: Oops! Typo, we all make mistakes…except me.

MeQ: How can there be a typo, this is a conversation?

MeA: As I was saying, there are so many. Let’s see. Waiting for the subway, things that annoy new yorkers, what makes you a new yorker, slow people on sidewalks. I mean, the list goes on and on.

MeQ: But don’t a lot of bloggers write about those things?

MeA: Yes but my take is so much more original. It’s not the idea that has to be creative, it’s the pictures you put NEXT to the idea. And my Technorati rating is higher. Did I say Technorati enough yet? Probably not.

MeQ: So-

MeA: Technorati!

MeQ: Uh, right. Technorati. Let’s talk about Gawker.

MeA: Are we going to talk about me some more afterwards?

MeQ: Well, yes. I was going to ask your opinion on Gawker.

MeA: Oh! I like giving my opinion, okay. Gawker is great. I remember the first time they linked me and I totally got like 17 million hits that day. My GoogleAds revenue brought in like $35 bucks that quarter. It was incredible. Gawker makes you or breaks you.

MeQ: I see. And why is that?

MeA: It connects you to a much larger audience. All the people who aren’t smart or interesting or funny enough to follow their own dreams get to come to your site, read your ideas, and then be inspired to give you compliments in the comments section.

MeQ: Don’t commenters sometime say derogatory things?

MeA: Yes, they do. But then other commenters stick up for you. Or you can back-pedal about what you said, too. That’s one of my favorite things to do.

MeQ: Are there any random asides or useless back-story elements about your life you’d like to interject at this point?

MeA: Well when I was a kid, I used to really love pretending to be a ninja. And one time I was running around, jump kicking everything in sight: lamps, doors, center pieces - you get the idea. So my mom said “you need to stop jump-kicking things, and jump-kick yourself into your room to do your homework!” Well, I never did my homework, but that night I started writing in a journal…and even though my ridiculously good sense of humor and wit took a few years to develop, well, that journal entry helped me to realize what a huge force I’d be later in life…I mean. I didn’t realize it then. I realized it just now. But if I hadn’t done that then then I wouldn’t have realized it now. So…still important.

MeQ: So you were a literary ninja!

MeA: Indeed friend!

MeQ: How irrelevant! Moving along I have just one last question - do you have any advice for anyone writing a blog?

MeA: I mean, blog-writing…not just anyone can do it, you have to be incredibly smart, witty, and original.

MeQ: But…anyone can sign up and just start writing a blog.

MeA: Well yeah but I mean…you have to put up a lot of links to other blogs that you don’t read…and comment on them and stuff so people come to your site…it’s hard work.

MeQ: It’s hard work?

MeA: Well…it’s not hard work, per se. I just don’t want anyone getting the idea that you can just write whatever mindless bullshit you want and people will flock to it. You have to write mindless bullshit opinions about other people’s ideas in their comments too. It’s like a movie-trailer for your blog…only…stupider.

MeQ: I see. Well this has all been very informative Andy.

MeA: Thank you Andy. It was my pleasure - but no doubt, it was much more to your pleasure and all of my readers’ pleasure than it was to my own. But I still enjoyed it and I can’t wait to read it over 5 times in the next couple days to see how smart I am and check for any comment updates.

MeQ: I’m sorry we couldn’t quite get the full 15 pages of questions you had asked for.

MeA: That’s okay. My Technorati rating will still be sky-high.

I mean seriously, what happened to them? They don’t do anything useful anymore. They just type and play video games and lift beer to my mouth, which, apparently is too stupid to realize that “hey! this just MIGHT not be so good for the parts that the mouth relies on to operate throughout it’s lifespan!”

Ridiculous!

My brain knows it. It really does. It says “I don’t want to send emails and make phone calls! Don’t feed me that garbage! Since when did we stop playing music? That’s what I’d like to know.”

I’m in total concurrence. Since when did we stop playing music? But my fingers - they just keep doing stupid, boring crap. And the worst part? The worst part is my legs are listening! If you thought only your ears could listen, you’d be wrong. My legs actually take my stupid fingers and mouth to places where they can type emails and drink beer (respectively of course)!

Speaking of my ears - they also agree with my brain. They say “you hear that? I know you do. Isn’t that cool? We should do that again!” And my brain agrees. But these goddamn fingers! They’re just so lazy!

Luckily my eyes are joining in on the fight. “Check that out! It’s so blue and sunny! We should go out there and do…well, something!” And I agree with them too. But these goddamn legs! They’re only motivated to get the fingers typing emails or help the mouth get beer from the fingers.

Ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

Last night I was doing my laundry, typing grotesquely long emails to say farewell to some crazy kids I know, and generally being productive. Naturally during this time I had my television on and, though I’m not usually a big TV person, it’s fall and some great shows are starting up. Last night I had the chance to watch Kid Nation, Kitchen Nightmares, and Last Comic Standing (which is actually ending, thank God).

Here then, is a review of each show…

Kid Nation: If I wanted to watch a bunch of little kids do chores for an hour and then cry about it, I’d get married. That’s really all there is to say about this show. There is screaming, fighting, crying, and chores. It is utterly retarded. A lot of people were up in arms about this program - “how can you do that to little kids!” “They’re so little!” “They’re just kids!” “Oh those kids are SO LITTLE!”

Hey, idiots. They are doing the exact same things they do at home, they just don’t have their parents around and, for some reason, are given a chance to drink a lot of root beer. In case you haven’t seen it, yes, there is a saloon in their “town,” and it serves root beer and other sugary drinks. Other things in town? A dry goods store, a kitchen, a bunch of port-o-potties, and a single room with a telephone that you can only go into if given the key.

So CBS, how do you jazz up this show and make it entertaining? Well, in the first episode one girl went into the dry goods store and saw an old bike for sale for $3. She immediately went out into the street to dance for nickels. Take this idea and run with it. Not only should there be a town brothel, where kids can whore themselves for nickels to buy more delicious root beer, but there should also be a single revolver in the dry goods store, with 6 bullets. The revolver should cost $10 so no nickel-dancing flapper can easily raise the cash to buy it.

Then we’d see the kid who got the revolver rule that town with an iron first. I bet he wouldn’t even have to fire a single shot - he probably would at some point though, which is what makes it entertaining.

Last Comic Standing:

I can’t imagine that all of America really thinks these people are funny, and then spends money to text-message vote for them. I saw Amy Schuler at Comedy Cellar a while back, and while she wasn’t my favorite, she was decent. Obviously she was voted off weeks ago and the remaining rabble are left to duke it out like to retarded kids fighting over a puddin’ pop.

There are two guys left - a dude from North Carolina who makes redneck jokes, and a fat guy from St. Louis who makes fat jokes. Last night I thought to myself, “these two couldn’t possibly come up with yet more material based on being a redneck and being fat.” Yet they did it. Night in, and night out. That’s all they talk about. Being a redneck or being fat. Wow. Comedic genius. Rednecks like to drink? Hilarious! Fat people can’t buckle seatbelts over themselves? Outrageously preposterously funny!

“But Andy, that means you’ve watched the show more than once, why would you do that?”

Because it actually is pretty funny. By that I mean the comedians are so incredibly not funny, that when they pan to the audience they always catch row fulls of people resting their hands on their chin perplexed, yawning, golf-clapping, or checking their watch. Then they have to cut away from those people real fast and show the friends and relatives of the current comedian who are stupidly whooping and hollering for a joke they’ve most likely heard a thousand times already.

Kitchen Nightmares:

I love this show. Chef Gordon Ramsey is the Jack Bauer of cooking. He basically spent an entire episode belittling a brainless, cocky italian-meathead and telling him his restaurant was better off without him there. This is exactly the kind of guy I would like to be someday. Getting paid to tell people what idiots they are and how stupid they’re being, and then having them thank you afterwards and apologize for being such stupid idiots.

All in all it was a fun night. I plan to tune into Kitchen Nightmares next week, and I am currently writing my letter to CBS about that revolver idea. Because honestly, it’s not like the REAL old west without guns, outlaws, and the bodies of innocent children strewn all over the street.

And a lame one at that. Am I done blogging? No. Can I type again? You jerks, I’ve been typing since week 2 after my surgery. Will I post anything soon other than updates promising updates? No!

The fact of the matter is, I am writing quite a bit, but not in the blogging format. Will you ever get to experience my hilarious ideas? Let’s hope so. Wish me luck and keep an eye out here for something exciting in the upcoming months.