Well, at least I think I’m funny.

Check out Franklin Talk! for Episode 7, I promise it’s somewhat entertaining.

Just when you thought there couldn’t be any more excitement in your trivial, useless life. Yet ANOTHER celebrity siting! Only this one, this one my friends was not sited in New York, but in the rather remote location of State College, Pennsylvania!

Let me paint the picture for you:

It’s a dark night the day after Thanksgiving. People are beginning to gather at a local bar. Though it’s run down and smells of old pirates, people enjoy it as the beer is cheap and the wall decorations are cheaper. Townies are gathered from across the U.S. to check each other out - weight gain, baldness, hotness - who has changed since high school? Yes it was a post-Thanksgiving night like any other…only not!

Why was he in State College? Why was he at a bar there? Why was he sitting alone by a pillar? It’s a mystery to me - but I suppose, that the reason he was there, was a mystery for him as well!

What I don’t get is who he’s on the radio/bluetooth headset with. Watson maybe? Good luck Mr. Holmes. By jove, if you don’t solve the mysteries of State College, no one will.

There are a lot of famous people in New York. Tons. They are everywhere. Under desks, behind lamp posts, why just the other day I went to my office water cooler and found Phillis Diller behind it! But some celebrities are harder to spot than others.

Take, for instance, Spiderman. A lot of people don’t get the opportunity to see Spiderman. “Oh it’s just a big phony-baloney movie!” they say. Well my undying faith in comic books tells me that if you want something bad enough, and live close enough to dangerous chemical plants or mad scientists, anything is possible. Like havin’ 3 ding-dongs!

Many of you think that seeing Spiderman is just as likely as running into a tricockular man, but it isn’t. And if it is, well, you ladies may want to start beating the streets in search of your fork-ed friend. Behold, Spiderman captured by yours truly on my iPhone’s camera phone:

Oh, oh, you can’t SEE him there?! You think I’m lying?! Here’s a zoom-in for those of you with a case of the crusty-watchers:

As soon as I saw him I shouted “Hey! You up there! Spiderman!” He just looked at me, put one finger up in front of his lips, and then shot a spidery-web from his wrist and took off!

People near me looked but it was too late, so now they all think that I am crazy. And whenever I see them on the street they just walk by thinking “there’s that crazy guy with three ding-dongs!”

But it’s okay. I live my life like I always have, searching for a set of hot triplets.

I am sliding down the slipperiest slope ever to slant. And it’s happening really quickly. But it’s not my fault! You see, due to the amount of ridiculous happenings in my life including grey-area situations, not-so-grey area situations, and things that are downright rude, I am starting to hate pretty much everyone because they are selfish jerks.

The show Curb Your Enthusiasm makes me shake my head and feel sorry for the Larry. I feel like Seinfeld is kind of the same way - he really just tells people what he thinks and if he doesn’t want to do something or thinks it’s stupid, he doesn’t participate. The only real difference is Jerry doesn’t explain why. But I love those two guys because they understand something that I am just beginning to - no one cares about anything but themselves and what they do, so why bother to make time for them and do things for them?

I have been ignored, stood-up, insulted, and walked all over recently because I was trying to help people out or do them favors or be a good person. I am slowly learning that doing people favors only wastes time and money that I could use to be doing things that I want to do. Chances are if you’ve even made the slightest attempt to be cordial with me, you are safe. Everyone else? Blow.

Sunday I went to brunch with two lovely ladies, and they showed up on time. And I thought, “wow, this is awesome. Someone actually showed up where they said they would at the time they said they would.” And Friday night someone was nice enough to text me to tell me they’d be late.

I really like those people now. Not that I didn’t like them before. And not that I dislike those other jerks but if I get two phone calls and one is from them and one is from someone else, chances are someone else won’t hear back from me.

I don’t really mind being like the (e)(a)rrys. They’re funny after all, and successful. The point is…don’t expect me to wait for you anymore if you are late. Don’t expect me to come to things I don’t want to come to. Don’t expect me to want to meet your friends or help you out. And don’t act surprised if you ask me to do something and instead of me just saying “sure” I say “you know what? I don’t really care about that.”