Well, at least I think I’m funny.

Think back to long, long ago. I’m not sure how far back it was and can never really be sure (this is a lie, I could tell you the exact day, the fact is I’m too lazy to check). At any point I wrote a compelling argument for the foundation of a new religion, 24ism. Then, in a drastic power-play, those crazies in the Church of Scientology name Tom Cruise as their new Christ figure.

I thought it would stop there; that that was the end. They had done all they could and their personal attacks on my new religion would cease; we could live in peace - me with my gun-toting terrorist-killers and them with their crazy mind-reading light-sabers. Then, coming home from work the next day on the subway, I saw the following:

If you look closely, you can see that the man on the right is holding the light-saber handles and is having his “stress level” being evaluated by the machine on the table in front of him. Can’t really tell? Luckily, I have below-average Photoshop skills:

This was taking place at the Union Square subway station. It was at this moment I realized that I was the only true follower of 24ism in the area, and I didn’t have my gun. I looked around for a fellow follower who could draw on the power of Bauer, but alas, I was alone…alone like Jack is always alone. Then I felt it coursing through my veins.

It was like ice water. The world seemed to slow down while my own actions sped up. A gust wind blew from somewhere and although it had the head-turning stink of the subway I paid it no heed. Quickly, my hands shot out from sides as I grabbed a passerby in either arm, tossing them ridiculously at the table.

“Heathens!” I shouted at the heathens. “Have you no common decency! Don’t you know your target alarm-clock-radios with crazy lightsaber handles do nothing but eat souls?!”

Then I saw something I never thought I’d see. The two people conducting the experiments’ skin melted and their eyes turned to embers. Voices sprang out from their vocal chords so unnatural that all those walking (faster now) by who had Whole Foods bags burst into flames.

“Let’s do this,” pounding my first into my opposite palm.

They both sprang at me at once but I was ready. Watching TV every Monday night does that to a man. It hardens him. Makes him more than what he is. Stronger.

A throat chop to one, an eye-gouge to another, while myself suffering a blow a fist a piece from each assailant. I stumble backwards a little but am more unless unscathed. I manage to flip between the two of them and start hurling copies of Dianetics about like throwing-stars.

This enrages the mindless zombies as I am basically desecrating their bible. They flew at me, mindlessly babbling about not seeing psychiatrists. All I could do was react. I grabbed one handle from each brain-washing machine and rammed it into the foreheads of the oncoming goons.

They shook violently, spewing bile and, strangely enough, reading maximum levels of stress on either of the Target alarm-clock-radios. I had done my job.

Let this be an inspiration to all you other 24ists out there, let no one stand in your way. Fight terrorist in any form wherever you go. So say the teachings of Jack Bauer.

By now you’ve all heard about our new savior, Tom Cruise. I for one am outraged. This is just ludicrous. I mean, just DAYS after I announce our new savior to be Jack Bauer, the “Church” of Scientology comes out with this nonsense.

Obviously L Ron Hubbard and his cowardly band of miscreant good-faith spreading brain-washers saw my blog and simply refused to be outdone. My writings scared them and they needed to strike back - a simple “poopy joke” wouldn’t do. No, things needed to be much more drastic - a message sent to myself, Jack Bauer, and all of our followers. A message that said, “Not only are we willing to do what it takes, but we’re also crazy.”

Yes Scientologists have gone and proved what many of us have been suspicious of for years; they are complete morons. In fact, they have a whole website dedicated to filling you in about Scientology, Dianetics, and even the life and times of L. Ron Hubbard how incredibly stupid they are.

For example, did you know they have something called an E-meter? Here is the blurb about it:

The E-Meter®
pastoral counseling device

The Electropsychometer, or E-Meter measures the mental state or change of state of a person, helping the auditor locate areas of spiritual distress or travail so they can be addressed and handled in a session. The E-Meter does not in itself do anything to a person. It is a highly sensitive instrument that reacts to changes in mental activity.

Now, you’d think they are making up this “E-Meter” and that it would be very convoluded and complex-looking - but you’d be wrong. They actually have a picture of it. It appears to be a clock-radio from Target with two light-saber handles attached to it by stereo RCA cables. I’m guessing the path of yellow-to-red arrows indicates the weening of your body off of TV, Alcohol, tater-tots, graphic cinematic violence, and other God-given luxuries of life.

If you see Tom Cruise, or anyone who looks like they have only a letter for their first name, I urge you to take that moment to become a follower of 24ism. Please shoot them. It can be in the leg, it can be in the arm, just make sure they’re seriously injured and see that in their own way they’re contributing to terrorism in the United States. You can go right back to being a Christian or Hindu or whatever you were, afterwards. Just so long as you do your duty to protect our country, our sanity, and the film industry from the things we take for granted everyday. Because we’re not crazy.

I’m not typically one to go off the deep end with zainy ideas and crazy scenarios…oh…right. Well then, who better suited to write this post than myself: Andrew P. Lykens. The “P” stands for “crazy”!

The dawn of man came and went and throughout our history we have fought many wars, lived through many successful times, peaceful times, low times, high times, signs of the times, times tables, and the New York Times. Three big religions have been around for ages and while not everyone believes one thing, it seems most everyone believes something and those who don’t are persecuted harshly for being “non-believers” or “men of science” or “huge nerds.”

Naturally when one thinks of religion one thinks of Jesus and when one thinks of Jesus one thinks of saviors and when one thinks of saviors, one thinks of Jack Bauer…Jack Bauer and gunshot wounds to the leg. This led me to wonder what it would be like if Jesus and Jack Bauer were to have some sort of anachronistic old-west showdown. Modern weaponry and modern rules in a real cowboy fashion - Jesus and Jack going at it, guns blazing.

The obvious choice of victor is Jesus. But then I started to think about Jack and his skill sets, and how he’d fare. Quite honestly, I think it would be the most fair fight of all time. It’d be a struggle with hundreds getting killed in the fray, but Jack and Jesus at a standoff because neither will die (Jesus because he’s a deity and Jack because of sheer will-power) and neither will give in. If one of them chooses to give in, no doubt the other wouldn’t take his life due to the strict sense of honor both characters posess.

Then I got to thinking about the similarities between Jesus and Jack and after some brain-storming have come up with a brief list to compare the two and then rated each feat on a scale of 1-24:

VS.

Jesus:

- Turned water into wine, Rating - 15: While this is indeed a cool skill, it is only slightly above average because all it means is that Jesus will get you hammered for free. This skill is also accomplished by my friend Colin who works as a night club manager in State College, at “Players.” Skill also leads to sick friends, making out with ugly chicks, and gaining weight. All serious drawbacks.

- Died and rose from the dead, Rating - 20: An astounding feat, no doubt. However, due to Jesus’ close relation with God it loses a few points as it raises suspicion that the act was largely due to extreme nepotism.

- Turned a few loaves of bread and some fish into enough to feed thousands, Rating 17: Slightly better than drinking for free, and better for you. However, meals would be limited to some variation of fish and bread. Best possible scenario - Filet o’ Fish - without the mayo and lettuce.

- Helped blind men see, Rating - 10: Below average skill as helping blind people see detracts greatly from hilarity value of those guys with the canes thwacking random people wherever they go. Also, can’t rearrange furniture to play joke on blindies. I’d be worried about being sensitive to this audience, but they’ll never read this! Ha!

- Helped lame beggars walk, Rating - 1: Why would you help a lame beggar walk? It is this author’s opinion that if any beggars should be helped at all, you should only help the cool beggars. Christ, what were you thinking?

- Overturned tables in the temple when being used as a brothel/black market, Rating - 3: The only reason this feat merits any points more than 1 is because it is somewhat violent. Anyone with two arms or legs can overturn a table or two.

Jack Bauer

- Withstood knife carvings, electrocutions, and injections without confessing, Rating - 15: The reason for this high rating is the “without confessing” part. Jesus has also withstood torture (crucifiction) but kept on calling on his dad for help and now many of his followers have to confess on a weekly basis, potentially revealing highly top-secret information.

- Finger-breaking, Rating 20: Jesus broke bread with his would-be enemies. Jack breaks fingers. Far more effective. Typically, assailants are less intimidated by someone who pulls apart a loaf of rye (unless they are made of wheat) versus someone who slowly and deliberately snaps their digits like a bowl of freshly poured rice krispies.

- Ate a man, Rating 21: Did this while strapped to a chair with shackles on. Doesn’t make him a cannibal because he ate only enough to kill someone and not enough to spoil his appetite, making him both polite and effective.

- Responds proactively when subject to betrayal, Rating 19: Another similiarity between Jack and Jesus is betrayal. However, Jesus was killed after he had been betrayed. Jack continues to live. Also, Jack has been betrayed more than once. Also people that betray Jack tend to to be seriously injured or dead afterwards.

- Sawed off a guy’s head, Rating 23: Unlike Jesus in every way, this trait is tell-tale of Jack’s ballsiness. He actually sawed off someone’s head to prove he was worthy of a crime organization…only to infiltrate the organization and kick it’s ass. Jesus doesn’t saw people’s heads off - maybe if he did, there’d be a few less heathens in the world.

- Died and came back to life, Rating - 24: Did this without the help of God…twice.

So what’s the next step in all of this? Why, to start a religion of course. 24ism is what I’m calling it, and here are the guidlines.

The interior of the church will look like the command center of CTU - complete with computer terminals, tall plastic walls, an interrogation room, and a guy named “Johnson” who is occasionally called in to adminster doses of…things from syringes when people aren’t cooperating. Also, high on the main wall, there will be a large, yellow-clock, constantly counting the hours of the day going “Boop…beep….boop….beep.”

The bible for the church will be the CTU handbook, but, since the church is a following of Jack Bauer, it will be often contradicted in action and policy. In fact, the bible will be largely ignored by the membership and in it’s place will be an unwritten code of vigilantism. Of course, members of the church pointing out others going against the bible will be exposing themselves to the possibility that they are, in fact, terrorists and not true followers of Jack Bauer….so…you know….drama!

Tithings will be given in the form of random body parts from actual terrorists. The church will tout this as being an excellent way to fight terror on the homefront, however they expect some criticism from the public as they have no way of actually telling whether or not someone was a terrorist before their decapitation/dismemberment. They’re merely counting on the congregation to tell the truth - because that’s what Jack would do.

The pledge of allegiance will be used instead of prayers, people will carry guns instead of crosses, and in lieu of Sunday school, children will be sent to “safety.” Safety will be defined as any room with a lock and a table to hide under or cabinet or closet to hide behind or in. Simliarly, all hyms will be replaced with patriotic songs.

Confirmation will be replaced - rather than people being dunked in or doused with water, they will instead be shot in the leg…and then left in the jungle to die. Only when they return alive, in better shape than when they left, and with the head of a terrorist, clutched by the hair and brandished above their head, will they be admitted into the church as a member.

Finally, Christmas will be replaced by whichever day in January the 24 premiere first aired. Believers will give each other small packages, but rather than gifts, they will contain bombs that have to be diffused or a radius of 1.2 miles, which, depending on the wind, could spread radiation miles in any direction, causing the death of at least 100,000 people.

I urge you all to go out and shoot people in the leg to spread the good word of Jack. 24ism will sweep the nation as “the world’s bad-ass religion comprised of lethal, terrorist-killing machines!” Go, and may the power of Bauer fill your heart, mind, and trigger-finger.