Well, at least I think I’m funny.

The following is a bopy and baste of an IM conversation I had with the Brewer regarding his crappy new phone:

The Brewer: but everytime i go to set an mp3 as my ringtone, it says not allowed

Andy: cool, that’s helpful

The Brewer: i had a similar problem with my old phone

The Brewer: so, i shall remedy it this weekend with a stop to best buy

Andy: did you turn it off and turn it back on?

The Brewer: no, i did not

Andy: I’d do that

Andy: if that doesn’t work, try expanding the parameters

The Brewer: mayhaps if i open a new socket — for mp3s — it would work

Andy: that should’ve been the first thing you checked!

Andy: I’m taking you off com

The BrewerPatriot: no, i can do this

Andy: you obviously have your mind on other things

The Brewer: andy, you know i am the best chance you have at getting the job done

Andy: *sigh* fine. But one more slip up and I’m transferring you to district

Andy: and from now on you report everything to Chloe

The Brewer: i can accept that, now let me get back to work

The Brewer: i won’t let you down

Andy: go.

Why do people wear bluetooth headsets when they’re walking around? I can see using them in the car or possibly in the office, but just wandering around outside while your wife takes you shopping for fake bags and stupid sunglasses she’ll never wear? Useless.

Maybe they think it makes them look cool or hip or rich or something. Or perhaps these people are so lazy they never want to actually touch their phone…of course, you know if they’re that lazy they’re not going to bother figuring out how to use the voice-dial features. I don’t know…I have two bluetooth headsets and I haven’t used one since I crashed my car into a big pillar of common sense.

I suppose if you’re just leaving your office and going to your car you might want to leave your bluetooth headset on. If you’re not going far and you have a long commute or are playing hooky from work and need to be readily available should someone happen to call. But here in New York, people take it a step further. People wear their bluetooth headsets in the subway.

For those of you who aren’t privy of having a subway in your city, let me explain - nothing cellular works in a subway. If someone is “on the phone” in the subway they are either crazy, or they just HAPPENED to be at that ONE spot at 34th street where for some reason you get a tiny bit of signal, got a call, stupidly answered expecting to be able to chat thinking “This time will be different. This time it will last,” and then immediately lost signal and rather than looking stupid for having answered their phone in the subway, they pretend to continue to talk to the person who is no longer able to hear them.

So it baffles me when I saunter underground to find a myriad of people wearing Bluetooth headsets:

(Andy coming down the stairs and passing through the turnstyle and onto the subway platform…)

Bluetooth Guy: Hey! Look at me!

Andy: I’m sorry?

BG: I said ‘look at me!’ I have important calls to make!

Andy: …I see. Well….good luck…with all those calls…

BG: People need to be able to reach me at all times!

Andy: You must be very important.

BG: I am! I take the subway because I can’t afford to drive a car into the city each day!

Andy: But if people need to reach you at all times, then there’s a good amount of time you’re spending underground where there’s no cell phone signal.

BG: Oh, there’s a signal. I have one of those antennae-boosters from those info-mercials on my phone!

Andy: Those are proven to not work at all.

BG: It works!

Andy: Alright, make a call then.

BG: Right now?

Andy: Right now.

BG: Okay…just let me get out my phone…(reaches in pocket, takes out phone) Beepboopbweepbobeep!

Andy: …umm, I think you actually have to push the buttons. Not just make fake beeping noises.

BG: Hello, friend? Yes friend. No friend. Friends! Regards! Call’s done! (he puts his phone away)

Andy: …that was the fakest phone call of all time. You don’t have to say “Call’s done!” after the call is over. In fact, it sounded like you’ve never actually had a phone conversation before.

BG: But I…

Andy: Waaiiiit a minute. You HAVEN’T ever had a phone conversation before! It’s all a sham!

(subway train starts to pull into the station)

BG: NO! LOTS OF PEOPLE CALL ME! I AM IMPORTANT! BLUETOOTH!

Andy: I don’t believe you! I think you’re a big stupid liar who just thinks he looks cool wandering about with a bluetooth headset on!

BG: I…! I..!

(as the train gets closer, Bluetooth Guy tosses himself in front of it)

Andy: Wow! That was extreme, but probably for the best.

The other day I was walking around with Erik and he and I saw this guy walking his dog encounter this woman, also walking her dog. As dogs tend to do, they became incredibly excited at meeting other dogs and each began the ritual of wagging, sniffing, and hopping that we’re all familiar with.

It then occurred to me how hilarious it would be if there were humans that behaved in exactly the same manner - overly enthusiastic about literally everything they do:

(Andy is walking down the street with…fine I’ll give him a name, Ted, they see some people coming their way)

Ted: Oh my God.

Andy: Now Ted, just relax.

Ted: Oh my God!

Andy: Settle down Ted!

Ted: OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!

Andy: Ted! Relax!

Ted: Do you see those people! There’s PEOPLE coming! HERE THEY COME! They’re getting so close!

(Ted is now visibly exciting and starting to hop around a little, Andy is holding him back by his shirt collar)

Andy: Ted! We talked about this! You need to relax! Just calm down!

(Ted begins jumping up and down and waving his hands and arms, he then runs over to the two people and begins shaking their hands and jumping, he has a huge, open-mouthed smile on his face)

Ted: Oh my God! Hi! Hi I’m Ted! What’s your name?!Idon’tcare!Wannabefriends?!Ihopeso!Ilovemakingfriends!OhmyGodthisissoexciting!

Andy: Uh, I’m really sorry he just get’s really excited when he sees other people.

Ted: (shaking his ass furiously and doing a tremendous job of invading personal space) You smell great!! Is that cool water? WOW! You are AWESOME! I LOVE YOU! SO SO MUCH! I’m glad we’re friends now. We’re friends right?! Oh this is terrific!

Andy: (grabbing Ted’s arm and pulling him away) Alright, come on. Back to the apartment, let’s go.

Ted: OH BUT MY FRIENDS!! I don’t want to leave now! I just met some new friends! BYEBYE! BYE! SEE YOU SOON! Oh my gosh! Bye! Bye!!! (as he is being dragged away he continues to turn his head and look back every 3 seconds to see if his new friends are still there).

Andy: Alright Ted, they’re gone.

Ted: (quickly forgetting) Who’s gone? Hey! Let’s get some pie!

Of course that’s not the only scenario that would prove hilarious. If you happen to be getting dinner of have food of any sort and, say, get up to leave to go to the bathroom and set your food down - your friend would quickly consume as much of it as possible in your abscence. Then when you got back you’d be really upset: “Hey where’d my food go! Damnit Ted!” And Ted would just be standing there, smiling at you. And then as you get more food for yourself out of the fridge and sit down to eat it, Ted would just kind of loom near you wide-eyed with a voracious look and say:

“Man, that looks really, really good. Wow. I mean delicious. I can smell it. I can smell how good it tastes. Does it taste good? I bet it does. Man. I would love to just have the littlest bit of that.”

He’d continue this way until you gave him the tiniest bit of food which he’d swallow without tasting and then continue to harass you.

Then, a few hours later Ted would start to not look so good:

(Ted is just kind of sitting next to Andy and as Andy turns to him, Ted looks at him and looks downright miserable)

Andy: Ted is something wrong?

Ted: (silent, but still looking - makes a heaving motion)

Andy: Oh no. Ted! Ted are you alright?

Ted: (continues to stare, makes another heaving motion and shakes his head)

Andy: Alright, well get up and get to the bathroom! Let’s go! (Andy grabs Ted’s arm)

Ted: (goes somewhat reluctantly)

Andy: Alright almost the—

Ted: (Barfs up whatever he ate earlier)

Andy: *sigh*

Ted: Oh man I feel so much better! Hey you wanna go outside or something? Man I felt bad but now I feel good! Alright! (pumps fist in the air)

Andy: Damnit Ted! You coudln’t make it another 3 feet?

Ted: *shrugs* You win some you lose some…Let’s get some pie!

And let’s not forget some other endearing traits - like the hoarding and hiding of your socks. You’d come home and find stuff crammed under sofa cushions or stuffed under a mound of blankets:

Andy: Hey Ted have you seen my other sock?

Ted: …no.

Andy: Teeeeedd?

Ted: Hahaha! No! (Ted seems to get more excited and happy as Andy gets closer to wherever he’s crammed the missing sock)

Andy: (checking under the sofa) Here it is!

Ted: (very excited and happy) Hahahahahaha! YOU FOUND IT! Oh man! I was saving that, it just smelled so good! It remind me of you! That’s the best part! I figured I’d try and save it! But you found it! I rolled around on it a little so I could cover myself with its essence! Isn’t that great?

Andy: ….that’s really weird Ted.

Ted: Hahahahah! Let’s get some pie!

Naturally this would be entirely frustrating but all in all I think a friend with a dog’s mentality would ultimately endear himself to you. After all you’d have someone who always wanted to hang out and do whatever it is you wanted to do and who just thought that you are the bee’s knees. Alright, I’m off to get some pie.

As you all know my phone is tiny and slim and is of Samsung in make. Recently I have made a purchase of the same brand but of different electronic breed. I’m going to call him “Big Sam.” By now you have guessed that my phone will be “Little Sammy” or “Sam Jr.” No -my Davis.

I have been waiting for Big Sam now for…just about 10 days or so. He’ll be a great addition to my electronimly. That’s my word for “electronic family.” Man, I am a huge nerd…a huge nerd with a robot for a dad! Not really. Anyway, I have been waiting for Big Sam, as I said before I got into my robo-heritage, and arrangements with the shipping company have been frustrating at best.

First it was supposed to be delivered on Monday. Then I found out it was being delivered to their dispatch on Monday and I could set a drop-off time for today. Today I call at 10 and they say the trucks have already left to make their NYC deliveries so I have to wait until tomorrow. It is very, very frustrating, and something I can only convey in, well, you probably know what’s coming:

(sitting on his couch, waiting for the buzzer to ring)

Andy: I just want my damn TV…so I can SMASH it over their heads!

(buzzer buzzes, Andy let’s guy in to deliver Big Sam)

Delivery Guy: Hello sir, here’s your T–

(Andy grabs TV and smashes it over DG’s head)

Andy: WHO’S GOT THEIR TV NOW!?

DG: No one. You just smashed yours over my head.

Andy: YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT!

DG: Sir. You are ridiculous.

Andy: AM I?!? Or are YOU the one who is ridiculous for making me wait to play video games?!?!

DG: I didn’t make you wait. This is just how we work.

Andy: WITH TVs ON YOUR HEAD?! How unprofessional!

DG: Sir, i think you should go now. i am calling security.

Andy: But this is my apartment!

DG: Nevertheless. The police are on their way.

Andy: You come here, and smash my TV, and then call the police?!

DG: What? Sir, you smashed the TV on my head!

Andy: That’s not what Edgar will say, right Edgar?

(Andy looks over to couch where no one is sitting, then turns back to DG smirking craftily and nodding his head slightly.)

DG: …there’s no one there.

Andy: Don’t you call my friend a nobody!

DG: Uh, I didn’t…there just quite obviously is not a person sitting on that couch.

Andy: (considers this)…you may be right or you may be wrong. Now leave, before I render you supine!

DG: (sighs and turns to go)

(Andy quickly runs to his window and awaits DG’s exit from the building, then, leaning out the window…)

Andy: Oh, hey, Delivery Guy!

DG: My name is –

(Delivery Guy is splashed with a large amount of water from above)

Andy: You forgot your dolly!

DG: (under his breath, turning to walk away) …but that was a bucket of water…

(The dolly then falls on the man’s head)

Andy: Jerk!

So Big Sam, I know you’re sitting in Newark right now. I hope you’re anticipating myself and Little Sam as much as we’re anticipating seeing you. It will be glorious. But until then? Don’t liquify those crystals of yours for anyone.

As I was checking my Yahoo! mail today I saw the above advertisement in my inbox

Naturally my first idea of emailing a jerk chicken was that Yahoo! had somehow acquired a particularly rude fowl and were trying to teach it simple internet functions and typing skills. “Amazing!” I thought to myself, “that has got to be one smart bird!” Then I wondered what people would write to a Jerk Chicken, and what exactly a chicken could do that it would be qualified as a jerk?

Look at him. Thinks he’s so cool. What a jerk.

Does he sleep with the hens and not call them back? Does he eat all the corn? Peck at children? Oppress the gays and blacks? I can’t be entirely sure…but of course I can always venture a guess in the form of a preposterous scenario:

(Andy is walking down the street, minding his own business, on his way…somewhere…when all of a sudden he bumps into a chicken…)

Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk!

Andy: Pardon me sir-chicken! I didn’t see you down there. I profusely apologize and hope you have a lovely day.

JC: Why am I here?

Andy: Jesus? Oh I see, there’s some confusion. You see, Jerk Chicken abbreviates to JC. Which happen to be your initials as well.

JC: Ah, I see. Well then, carry-on, I’ll just be on my merry way.

Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk! Bawk bawk!

Andy: Sorry about that sir chicken. Anyway as I was saying, I’m very sorry, now if you’ll ex–

Jerk Chicken: Bawk bawk ba-kawk!

Andy: Well, that’s rude of you to say. And I’m neither gay, nor black! I merely bumped into you by accident. I didn’t mea-

Jerk Chicken: Ba-kawk! Bawk bawk bawk! bawk…….bawk bawk!

Andy: Sir, if you please! There’s no reason to bring mothers into this.

Jerk Chicken: Baawwwwwk! Bawk bawk ba-kawk!

Andy: Well screw you too you stupid bird! I have half a mind to-!

(Jerk Chicken begins pecking at Andy’s feet and legs, and doing that thing where chickens don’t really fly but they kind of try to, and it’s pecking at Andy all the while)

Andy: God! Stop! This doesn’t even hurt it’s just annoying! And you smell like a barn!

Jerk Chicken: *peck*peck*peck* BA-KAWK!

Andy: Ahhh!! This chicken is such a jerk! Someone get this maltempered roost-dweller offa me!

(Tiny Skate Boarding Monkey comes skating around the corner)

Andy: *gasp* TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!

(…and gets hit by a car)

Andy: awwww. DAMN YOU JERK CHICKEN! YOU KILLED TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!

Jerk Chicken: Ba. Kawk.

Andy: You don’t care? Well, one of these days Jerk Chicken, you will get yours…one of these days…

(flash into the future. Andy is at work checking his email when at least he sees an opportunity for revenge)

Andy: Email a Jerk Chicken! FINALLY!

Dear Jerk Chicken,

Remember when you killed the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey? That was terrible. He was only trying to help. Shame on you.

Love,

Andy

There, that’ll teach that bastard.

Yeah, that would teach that bastard. Stupid Jerk Chicken.

I never have a good halloween costume and this year is no exception, except that this year, I do. I’m adding an unconventional twist to a quite trite spectre. I’m going as a vampire. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “God, this post is terrible.” Well, shutup and read on. I mean, I guess you can’t shutup because you’re not actually talking…unless you are, then you’re just crazy. Crazy like a fox. At any rate, hear me out. I’m not going as just any vampire. I’m going as a fat vampire.

You see at first I wanted to go as something utterly stupid. Like a pillow. A box. A bottle of water. Something that people would see and say “that is the dumbest costume ever.” The problem is, it’d actually be pretty hard to do that. Next I decided I was going to just cover my face with red blush, and spritz myself with water and go as “The hottest man alive.” Get it? It’s like a play on words. Am I physically hot? Or am I…physically…hot…what? Well at any rate, I canned that idea.

Then I started to think about vampires because one of my friends said “oh just go as a vampire.” I realized you never see a fat vampire. We’re talking about a creature that sleeps all day and does nothing but eat and live for eternity. I imagine a vampire who was skinny wouldn’t be the norm. Then I thought about the great back story I could provide:

Person: Hey, what the hell are you supposed to be?

Andy: (showing fangs) I’m a fat vampire. Duh.

Person: Why a fat vampire?

Andy: Because I have a slow metabolism.

Person: Really?

Andy: Yes. And that causes me to gain weight. I’m also at a high risk for diabetes.

Person: Why don’t you just suck some blood to replace your blood.

Andy: First of all, I eat the blood, I don’t transfuse it into my veins. Also, how could I possibly be fast enough to catch someone to suck their blood? I’m fat.

Person: Can’t you turn into a bat?

Andy: Yeah.

Person: So why don-

Andy: A fat bat. Have you ever seen a fat bat? No way I’d even be able to think about lifting off. You don’t know anything about fat vampires do you?

Person: No I don’t.

Andy: Well, you need to go to the library and get a book or something. Noserfatu. And that’s not a typo.

Person: Typo? We’re talking.

Andy: Shut it. Or I will bite you and eat your brains.

Person: That’s a zombie.

Andy: A fat zombie.

Person: What?

Andy: Vampire.

Person: I’m leaving.

Andy: Have a nice trip!

Person: But I didn’t tri–

Andy: (puts his leg out and pushes Person so they trip) See ya next fall, jerk!

I know, that dialogue went absolutely nowhere. But anyway. A fat vampire. I hope everyone has a great All Hallow’s Eve. Make sure to have your parents inspect all your candy before you eat it. Now cram it!

My boss was on the phone with a client this afternoon. There’s really nothing interesting about this - well, typically there isn’t, except the guy he was talking to had an interesting voice.

I sit across the room from my boss and I could hear this dude through the phone’s handset. I was like “Hey! I recognize that voice!” I immediately IMed Erik because I know he takes great delight in stupid crap like this.

“You know that black droid that the Empire sends to scout Hoth in Star Wars, Episode 5, the Empire Strikes Back?”

“yeah.”

“I think he’s on the phone with my boss!”

“Oh wow. He’s got a job in music?”

“Yeah, apparently.”

“He’s got all those extra arms, great for multiple synths.”

“He’d also make a great engineer.”

You know which droid I’m talking about right? The one that sounds like it’s saying “nerdsinthesystem.nerdsonalert.” through a stoma voicebox over and over again? Oh, oh, you want me to put a picture up? Oh, because you don’t get it? Well that’s FINE! That’s just GREAT! Here it is, simpleton:

Since we’d already given this thing an occupation, and had a face for it, the next step was to involve it in some ridiculous scenario. That scenario begins….NOW!….wait, wait…NOW! no no, wait, wait….NOW!

Guy at Work: Hey, Probe Droid, go get me a coffee! This one’s cold!

Probe Droid: My name is Lawrence! I have feelings you know! Gosh!

GAW: Are you going to get my coffee or what? I am very busy!

PD: And I’m not busy?! You can’t boss me aroun-

GAW: Look, just, go. Get. The coffee. I can’t take your back-talk today!

PD: FINE! This isn’t even part of my job you know?! I am a complex machine capable of performing highly difficult tasks and operations all at once, and I don’t need you demeaning me!

GAW: I don’t know why-

PD: (in a harsh whisper) Ever since we slept together you’ve been treating me terribly at work! Well I’ve had it! You can get your OWN coffee from now on! (PD takes the coffee and mechanically dumps it on the ground, then drops the cup. This isn’t very dramatic as it’s actions are fairly slow due to it’s innate roboticism…and faggyness)

GAW: (matching his tone) I told you from the start it was just a one night thing! I don’t know where you crafted these fanciful, romantic ideas of yours! You’re certainly not programmed for THAT!

PD: Well, after today? All the others around the office will know what you’re not programmed for!

GAW: Hey!

PD: That’s right buster! (PD turns and turns to float out of the room) Nerdsinthesystem.Nerdsonalert.

GAW: *sigh* Probe Dr-I mean, Lawrence. Wait.

PD: (slowly turns around, leaking a single, robo-tear) Yes?

GAW: I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings…in fact I wasn’t even sure you had feelings at all, because you’re a ro-

PD: DON’T YOU SAY IT! DON’T YOU CALL ME A ROBOT! I love you Ted. I…Love you.

GAW: I Love you too.

(They embrace. The end.)

That’s pretty much how I imagine it would go if a probe droid was able to find work somewhere. It would be gay, and fall in love. You know…because its a probe droid.

This morning on my walk to work I stopped in at Starbuck’s to grab some coffee. If you just pictured me walking behind the counter, turning on the coffee spout, and just grabbing at the coffee while it pours out of the spigot, well, you may share half of my brain.

Today I didn’t feel like suffering 3rd degree burns was a good solution to the chill in the air so I instead ordered my coffee like any normal human being - by mumbling at an incoherent teller who looks less excited than a coma patient on sleeping pills.

Starbuck’s always forgets my order. Always. I’m not sure I’ve ever been to one where I haven’t been waiting a few minutes only to be asked “What are you waiting for sir?” But I’m used to it, I cope, I’m a pretty laid-back guy so it never really bothers me. In fact, it makes me laugh.

Anyway, this morning I got my coffee and took it over to the fixin’s bar to throw in some cinnamon and sugar, when all of a sudden a man burst over next to me, touting the disposition of an angry troll and a haircut that…well, let’s just say that Boris no doubt had his way with this man’s head.

Troll man takes the lid off of his coffee to put stuff in it and is immediately outraged at what appears to be a very normal looking cup of coffee. “How the hell am I supposed to drink this!!” he shouts, dumps the coffee into the trash and then spikes the cup in after it. He then stormed over to the counter to belittle the poor employee who merely did her job.

I stood there laughing at the guy and thought “That poor bastard just allowed his entire day to be ruined by a cup of coffee.” Lately, I’ve been laughing a lot more. I used to get fired up about stuff or mad or upset, now I just laugh at things. And the more I do it, the more I realize how stupid it is to get angry or stressed about stuff - especially something as small as a $4 cup of joe.

Of course, then I imagined what it would be like if I were to answer his rhetorically idiotic question:

(Andy is at the fixins bar, the troll man comes up, sets his coffee down, and removes the lid…)

Troll: How the hell am I supposed to drink this?!

Andy: Oh here, let me help you. (Andy takes the cup of coffee from the man and holds it up to his mouth, holding his other hand under the man’s chin). Now, when I say “drink,” you open your mouth and I’ll dump this coffee in there. Then you’re going to need to swallow.

Troll: …You’re joking righ-

Andy: DRINK!

(Andy begins pouring coffe into Troll’s mouth as he’s speaking. The man sputters a bit as the coffee is obviously quite hot. The Troll knocks Andy’s hand away, spilling the coffee everywhere.)

Andy: Aw, you spilled the coffee everywhere!

Troll: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Andy: Well, I’m not sure. But among my many flaws is the fact that I never catch on to rhetoric.

Troll: You practically burned my face off!

Andy: I love that movie.

Troll: Really? I thought it was okay. Not Travolta’s best work. But Cage shines, I’ll give you that.

Andy: Oh really? Because I’d say it’s the other way around. Question: If you had to pick someone’s face to trade with, who would you pick?

Troll: Scott Baio!

Andy: Wow, you didn’t even have to stop and think about that did you?

Troll: Why would I?

Andy: I’m not sure. Probably because you fantasize about him…you know, sexually.

Troll: I keep forgetting you don’t understand rhetoric.

Andy: What?

Troll: Rhetoric.

Andy: I don’t understand rhetoric. If I had to change my face, I would change it to a monkey-face. I wouldn’t have to worry about a Halloween costume, and then I could potentially shrink myself and learn to skateboard.

Troll: …ok…

Andy: Well I’m going to be late for work. Good luck with your coffee. If you need imbibition help in the future, please do let me know.

I bet I would’ve easily saved that guy a good 15 blood pressure points. Oh well. Whoever you are troll-man, I hope you didn’t let that coffee ruin your day. Good luck.

I watched Grey’s Anatomy for the first time last Thursday night. Well that’s not exactly true. Technically it was the second time, but the first time I wasn’t really paying attention and talked through the whole thing - oh, if only I had been smart enough to do that the second time around.

Everywhere I go it seems some girl I know can’t wait to watch Grey’s Anatomy or put up a quote from it in her away message. When The Office ended and Deal or No Deal came on I quickly reached for the remote so my exposure to Howie Mandel’s shiny head and unpolished humor would be minimal. I started looking for one of the seemingly many new dramas on TV: Heroes, The Nine, Studio 60, then I quickly realized none of them were on. However, as I was flipping I recognized Grey’s Anatomy and thought “What the hell? I’ve had two beers.”

I’m not sure how exactly to describe my feelings toward the show. First of all, I found it utterly useless that it takes place in a hospital. They could easily transfer all these “doctors” to work at a Gap in a mall and they’d accomplish just about the same amount of doctoring as they do in the hospital.

Second, Most of the dialogues were women either trying to figure men out, figure themselves out, or just whining about things in general. The (I’m guessing) main character (chick from Old School) was all upset because she couldn’t choose between one of two men and she was a surgical intern so she wanted to be wooed properly because she didn’t have a lot of time to get it right. Ugh. If I wanted to listen to women complain about things I don’t care about, I would answer my cell phone when Erik calls.

Also, the guys on the show are totally ridiculous. One of the dudes couldn’t tell his girlfriend he didn’t want to move in with her. Please. If I had a girlfriend (and I imagine after writing this post I never will again) who asked me to move in and I didn’t want to, there would be nothing stopping me from making the “slcchhh” face, telling her no, and then turning on football.

If I was one of those Irish dudes what’s-her-face is trying to date, I would split faster than a horny gymnast. I mean those guys are getting completely played. I’m not sure that Robin is a doctor, but I know the other guy is. If I were to give him advice it’d go something like this:

Andy: Hey dude, what’s up?

Doc: Hey Andy, I’m sad.

Andy: Oh, why’s that?

Doc: This girl I like is seeing another guy, and I don’t know what to do?

Andy: Man, your hair is making you a co-star!

Doc: Huh?

Andy: Seriously. Do you have a team of people work on it in the mornings? I am the last person to know anything about style or fashion - but that hair is just remarkable. Is it real?

Doc: Well…yeah, but we can talk about my-

Andy: Look at it! It’s like someone froze the ocean and painted it glossy, jet black!

Doc: Ugh. Can you please-

Andy: If I were a tiny monkey I would buy a skateboard and make your hair my own personal skate park. I’d be the tiniest skating monkey ever! People would come from miles around and say “hey! Look at that tiny monkey skate!” I could charge admission!

Doc: Are we going to talk about my girl problems?

Andy: Your what? I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I swear your hair just waved at me and blew me a kiss.

Doc: I’m having girl problems!

Andy: Oh right. Dump her. You’re a doctor you moron. Take your hair and go pick up whoever you want. Duh.

Sorry ladies. I know the majority of you love this show, but I just didn’t get it. Then again, my dream is to be a tiny, skate-boarding monkey. So what do I know?