Well, at least I think I’m funny.

I was reading one of my favorite sites, Engadget Mobile, today and came across an article about Steve Ballmer, a Microsoft honcho, and his reaction to the iPhone. Please watch the following interview:

Alright. This man is easily the stupidest person on the planet, and quite frankly, if I were Bill Gates, I would tell him so, and then hire someone to build me a platinum hammer with “Ball-breaker” engraved on the side, and then hit Steve Ballmer with it.

Let’s refute his idiocy:

Claim 1 - At $500, it is the most expensive phone in the world: So right away we know this guy can’t do something as simple as read, because, if he could, he would’ve most likely come up with the following, far more expensive, phones…as far as I know, they ARE available in this world, rather than just on Mars:

1) The hideous “Vertu” - Price? $310,000.
2) The Black Diamond - $300,000. I guess you buy this one if you need save $10 grand to buy a really, really, really…okay one more, REALLY nice oven mitt.
3) Goldvish’s Diamond Phone - A cool million. That’s right. 1 million damn dollars.

Also, I’d like to point out in this claim that $500 is wrong. The 8GB iPhone which was demo’d by Jobs at his Keynote is $599. Yeah, this guys seems credible already. If you’re going to bash something for it’s price, at least get it right. (note: in his defense there IS a $500 version of the iPhone, however, the one Jobs demoed at MacWorld was the larger, more expensive $600 model).

Claim 2 - No appeal to businessmen due to lack of keyboard - Okay, okay, he’s got me here, there is NO keyboard…except for the small fact that there is. It’s just only there when you actually need it, rather than taking up screen space, pocket space, and calling people in your pocket when you’re not expecting it too. But maybe Ballmer likes making jokes. Like when someone says “Hey, Ballmer! You just called me!” And he goes, “Oops! Must’ve gone off in my pocket! Hey! Maybe it wasn’t me, the Ballmer calling you, just my balls!….mer!” I’m guessing his jokes would be really stupid like that because he seems really stupid.

Claim 3 - They have lots of Windows Mobile phones out there, and the Q is now only $99 - Okay, these points are actually true - at least he knows something about his own company. However, what he may fail to realize is that Windows Mobile is quite possibly the worst operating system I ever had the experience of using. I’ve had a few WinMo devices and let’s just say that aside from having a clumsy interface, locked features (like a barely operable bluetooth), and lousy software (it is Microsoft afterall), it was the worst experience of my life. It is far from intuitive, not fun to use, and while the Q may be able to do music - so can about 200 other phones out there right now…the only difference is, they can’t hold iPod quantities (8 GB)…nor can they play video…or browse the web without special baby-versions…So yeah. You can buy the Q for $99. And I bet it’s probably almost worth every penny.

Claim 4 - “We are selling millions of phones a year, and Apple is selling 0″ - Oh touche Steve. You’re absolutely right! Apple isn’t selling any phones. Of course, Apple hasn’t released any phones either. It’s not like they have a phone out there and people are stink-fingering it as they walk by while it collects dust and sobs it’s mechanical, envious tears. Nevermind the fact that everyone I know wants this phone and can’t wait til it comes out. Including my Dad, who doesn’t even use Macs - in fact, he doesn’t even really like technology. And finds it useless. And he’s 60. But he wants an iPhone. So again, way to have your finger on the pulse of the industry. Let me know how your phone sales are doing in June. Maybe you can send me an email from your shitty Q and it’s plastic keyboard.

Claim 5 - Apple has “pre-eminent” position in the portable music/entertainment field - Wow. That’s like saying: “That Jack Bauer. He could most likely beat up my grandma.” Balls goes on to specify that in devices that cost over a certain amount of money and play music AND video, they’ve managed to take a whole 20%. Nice launch month, loser. He is also very proud of all the “wireless networking” ideas they have. Yeah, way to go. I’m sure that the iPhone, which will have both Bluetooth, and Wi-fi, not to mention be a phone, will have a really tough time competing with your ingenius Zune’s lame-ass tune-beaming. People just LOVE getting music from a friend and only being able to listen to it for 3 days. That won’t bother anybody.

A couple more points about the price issue as well. People have up until June to save $600. If you can’t save $600 in 11 paychecks, then chances are you don’t really want an iPhone that badly. Furthermore let’s look at some other outrageously priced products that sold INCREDIBLY well:

1) The RAZR - to buy this on a plan when it first came out was, I believe, $300. Off-plan it was more like $600. And guess what? People bought it. A lot of people. And then it came down in price. And now it haunts my dreams with it’s shittiness (not because it was shitty then, because at one point it WAS cutting edge, but now, well, the RAZR is just dull and has more useless spin-offs than Happy Days).

2) The Xbox 360 - This bad-boy is still $400, and was going for close to $1000 when it first came out and was FLYING off the shelves.

3) The PS 3 - Still soaring at $700, you better believe you will not be able to find one of these in a store anytime in the near future.

This interview is proof of the incredibly idocy of inside-the-box thinking that small-minded morons use to come up with reasons for why their shitty product, isn’t shitty, but is far better than an amazing product. In reality all it just conveys how stupid they are, how much better the iPhone is than anything they even had planned, and how jealous with rage they will be when it’s released and ultimately dominates the market.

I’m not typically one to go off the deep end with zainy ideas and crazy scenarios…oh…right. Well then, who better suited to write this post than myself: Andrew P. Lykens. The “P” stands for “crazy”!

The dawn of man came and went and throughout our history we have fought many wars, lived through many successful times, peaceful times, low times, high times, signs of the times, times tables, and the New York Times. Three big religions have been around for ages and while not everyone believes one thing, it seems most everyone believes something and those who don’t are persecuted harshly for being “non-believers” or “men of science” or “huge nerds.”

Naturally when one thinks of religion one thinks of Jesus and when one thinks of Jesus one thinks of saviors and when one thinks of saviors, one thinks of Jack Bauer…Jack Bauer and gunshot wounds to the leg. This led me to wonder what it would be like if Jesus and Jack Bauer were to have some sort of anachronistic old-west showdown. Modern weaponry and modern rules in a real cowboy fashion - Jesus and Jack going at it, guns blazing.

The obvious choice of victor is Jesus. But then I started to think about Jack and his skill sets, and how he’d fare. Quite honestly, I think it would be the most fair fight of all time. It’d be a struggle with hundreds getting killed in the fray, but Jack and Jesus at a standoff because neither will die (Jesus because he’s a deity and Jack because of sheer will-power) and neither will give in. If one of them chooses to give in, no doubt the other wouldn’t take his life due to the strict sense of honor both characters posess.

Then I got to thinking about the similarities between Jesus and Jack and after some brain-storming have come up with a brief list to compare the two and then rated each feat on a scale of 1-24:

VS.

Jesus:

- Turned water into wine, Rating - 15: While this is indeed a cool skill, it is only slightly above average because all it means is that Jesus will get you hammered for free. This skill is also accomplished by my friend Colin who works as a night club manager in State College, at “Players.” Skill also leads to sick friends, making out with ugly chicks, and gaining weight. All serious drawbacks.

- Died and rose from the dead, Rating - 20: An astounding feat, no doubt. However, due to Jesus’ close relation with God it loses a few points as it raises suspicion that the act was largely due to extreme nepotism.

- Turned a few loaves of bread and some fish into enough to feed thousands, Rating 17: Slightly better than drinking for free, and better for you. However, meals would be limited to some variation of fish and bread. Best possible scenario - Filet o’ Fish - without the mayo and lettuce.

- Helped blind men see, Rating - 10: Below average skill as helping blind people see detracts greatly from hilarity value of those guys with the canes thwacking random people wherever they go. Also, can’t rearrange furniture to play joke on blindies. I’d be worried about being sensitive to this audience, but they’ll never read this! Ha!

- Helped lame beggars walk, Rating - 1: Why would you help a lame beggar walk? It is this author’s opinion that if any beggars should be helped at all, you should only help the cool beggars. Christ, what were you thinking?

- Overturned tables in the temple when being used as a brothel/black market, Rating - 3: The only reason this feat merits any points more than 1 is because it is somewhat violent. Anyone with two arms or legs can overturn a table or two.

Jack Bauer

- Withstood knife carvings, electrocutions, and injections without confessing, Rating - 15: The reason for this high rating is the “without confessing” part. Jesus has also withstood torture (crucifiction) but kept on calling on his dad for help and now many of his followers have to confess on a weekly basis, potentially revealing highly top-secret information.

- Finger-breaking, Rating 20: Jesus broke bread with his would-be enemies. Jack breaks fingers. Far more effective. Typically, assailants are less intimidated by someone who pulls apart a loaf of rye (unless they are made of wheat) versus someone who slowly and deliberately snaps their digits like a bowl of freshly poured rice krispies.

- Ate a man, Rating 21: Did this while strapped to a chair with shackles on. Doesn’t make him a cannibal because he ate only enough to kill someone and not enough to spoil his appetite, making him both polite and effective.

- Responds proactively when subject to betrayal, Rating 19: Another similiarity between Jack and Jesus is betrayal. However, Jesus was killed after he had been betrayed. Jack continues to live. Also, Jack has been betrayed more than once. Also people that betray Jack tend to to be seriously injured or dead afterwards.

- Sawed off a guy’s head, Rating 23: Unlike Jesus in every way, this trait is tell-tale of Jack’s ballsiness. He actually sawed off someone’s head to prove he was worthy of a crime organization…only to infiltrate the organization and kick it’s ass. Jesus doesn’t saw people’s heads off - maybe if he did, there’d be a few less heathens in the world.

- Died and came back to life, Rating - 24: Did this without the help of God…twice.

So what’s the next step in all of this? Why, to start a religion of course. 24ism is what I’m calling it, and here are the guidlines.

The interior of the church will look like the command center of CTU - complete with computer terminals, tall plastic walls, an interrogation room, and a guy named “Johnson” who is occasionally called in to adminster doses of…things from syringes when people aren’t cooperating. Also, high on the main wall, there will be a large, yellow-clock, constantly counting the hours of the day going “Boop…beep….boop….beep.”

The bible for the church will be the CTU handbook, but, since the church is a following of Jack Bauer, it will be often contradicted in action and policy. In fact, the bible will be largely ignored by the membership and in it’s place will be an unwritten code of vigilantism. Of course, members of the church pointing out others going against the bible will be exposing themselves to the possibility that they are, in fact, terrorists and not true followers of Jack Bauer….so…you know….drama!

Tithings will be given in the form of random body parts from actual terrorists. The church will tout this as being an excellent way to fight terror on the homefront, however they expect some criticism from the public as they have no way of actually telling whether or not someone was a terrorist before their decapitation/dismemberment. They’re merely counting on the congregation to tell the truth - because that’s what Jack would do.

The pledge of allegiance will be used instead of prayers, people will carry guns instead of crosses, and in lieu of Sunday school, children will be sent to “safety.” Safety will be defined as any room with a lock and a table to hide under or cabinet or closet to hide behind or in. Simliarly, all hyms will be replaced with patriotic songs.

Confirmation will be replaced - rather than people being dunked in or doused with water, they will instead be shot in the leg…and then left in the jungle to die. Only when they return alive, in better shape than when they left, and with the head of a terrorist, clutched by the hair and brandished above their head, will they be admitted into the church as a member.

Finally, Christmas will be replaced by whichever day in January the 24 premiere first aired. Believers will give each other small packages, but rather than gifts, they will contain bombs that have to be diffused or a radius of 1.2 miles, which, depending on the wind, could spread radiation miles in any direction, causing the death of at least 100,000 people.

I urge you all to go out and shoot people in the leg to spread the good word of Jack. 24ism will sweep the nation as “the world’s bad-ass religion comprised of lethal, terrorist-killing machines!” Go, and may the power of Bauer fill your heart, mind, and trigger-finger.