Well, at least I think I’m funny.

I was reading one of my favorite sites, Engadget Mobile, today and came across an article about Steve Ballmer, a Microsoft honcho, and his reaction to the iPhone. Please watch the following interview:

Alright. This man is easily the stupidest person on the planet, and quite frankly, if I were Bill Gates, I would tell him so, and then hire someone to build me a platinum hammer with “Ball-breaker” engraved on the side, and then hit Steve Ballmer with it.

Let’s refute his idiocy:

Claim 1 - At $500, it is the most expensive phone in the world: So right away we know this guy can’t do something as simple as read, because, if he could, he would’ve most likely come up with the following, far more expensive, phones…as far as I know, they ARE available in this world, rather than just on Mars:

1) The hideous “Vertu” - Price? $310,000.
2) The Black Diamond - $300,000. I guess you buy this one if you need save $10 grand to buy a really, really, really…okay one more, REALLY nice oven mitt.
3) Goldvish’s Diamond Phone - A cool million. That’s right. 1 million damn dollars.

Also, I’d like to point out in this claim that $500 is wrong. The 8GB iPhone which was demo’d by Jobs at his Keynote is $599. Yeah, this guys seems credible already. If you’re going to bash something for it’s price, at least get it right. (note: in his defense there IS a $500 version of the iPhone, however, the one Jobs demoed at MacWorld was the larger, more expensive $600 model).

Claim 2 - No appeal to businessmen due to lack of keyboard - Okay, okay, he’s got me here, there is NO keyboard…except for the small fact that there is. It’s just only there when you actually need it, rather than taking up screen space, pocket space, and calling people in your pocket when you’re not expecting it too. But maybe Ballmer likes making jokes. Like when someone says “Hey, Ballmer! You just called me!” And he goes, “Oops! Must’ve gone off in my pocket! Hey! Maybe it wasn’t me, the Ballmer calling you, just my balls!….mer!” I’m guessing his jokes would be really stupid like that because he seems really stupid.

Claim 3 - They have lots of Windows Mobile phones out there, and the Q is now only $99 - Okay, these points are actually true - at least he knows something about his own company. However, what he may fail to realize is that Windows Mobile is quite possibly the worst operating system I ever had the experience of using. I’ve had a few WinMo devices and let’s just say that aside from having a clumsy interface, locked features (like a barely operable bluetooth), and lousy software (it is Microsoft afterall), it was the worst experience of my life. It is far from intuitive, not fun to use, and while the Q may be able to do music - so can about 200 other phones out there right now…the only difference is, they can’t hold iPod quantities (8 GB)…nor can they play video…or browse the web without special baby-versions…So yeah. You can buy the Q for $99. And I bet it’s probably almost worth every penny.

Claim 4 - “We are selling millions of phones a year, and Apple is selling 0″ - Oh touche Steve. You’re absolutely right! Apple isn’t selling any phones. Of course, Apple hasn’t released any phones either. It’s not like they have a phone out there and people are stink-fingering it as they walk by while it collects dust and sobs it’s mechanical, envious tears. Nevermind the fact that everyone I know wants this phone and can’t wait til it comes out. Including my Dad, who doesn’t even use Macs - in fact, he doesn’t even really like technology. And finds it useless. And he’s 60. But he wants an iPhone. So again, way to have your finger on the pulse of the industry. Let me know how your phone sales are doing in June. Maybe you can send me an email from your shitty Q and it’s plastic keyboard.

Claim 5 - Apple has “pre-eminent” position in the portable music/entertainment field - Wow. That’s like saying: “That Jack Bauer. He could most likely beat up my grandma.” Balls goes on to specify that in devices that cost over a certain amount of money and play music AND video, they’ve managed to take a whole 20%. Nice launch month, loser. He is also very proud of all the “wireless networking” ideas they have. Yeah, way to go. I’m sure that the iPhone, which will have both Bluetooth, and Wi-fi, not to mention be a phone, will have a really tough time competing with your ingenius Zune’s lame-ass tune-beaming. People just LOVE getting music from a friend and only being able to listen to it for 3 days. That won’t bother anybody.

A couple more points about the price issue as well. People have up until June to save $600. If you can’t save $600 in 11 paychecks, then chances are you don’t really want an iPhone that badly. Furthermore let’s look at some other outrageously priced products that sold INCREDIBLY well:

1) The RAZR - to buy this on a plan when it first came out was, I believe, $300. Off-plan it was more like $600. And guess what? People bought it. A lot of people. And then it came down in price. And now it haunts my dreams with it’s shittiness (not because it was shitty then, because at one point it WAS cutting edge, but now, well, the RAZR is just dull and has more useless spin-offs than Happy Days).

2) The Xbox 360 - This bad-boy is still $400, and was going for close to $1000 when it first came out and was FLYING off the shelves.

3) The PS 3 - Still soaring at $700, you better believe you will not be able to find one of these in a store anytime in the near future.

This interview is proof of the incredibly idocy of inside-the-box thinking that small-minded morons use to come up with reasons for why their shitty product, isn’t shitty, but is far better than an amazing product. In reality all it just conveys how stupid they are, how much better the iPhone is than anything they even had planned, and how jealous with rage they will be when it’s released and ultimately dominates the market.

The best poker player I know is black and incredibly thin. His face lights up when he’s excited, makes any kind of sound you can imagine or sometimes just lays down and shakes violently. He’s got access to all my friends but never contacts them, not unless I tell him to. But my friends contact me a lot through him. Unless of course, there is someone in particular I want to hear from.

He seems to know just when I’m totally bluffing. When I’m all in and all I have to stand on is a pair of two’s. He’s there. Completely silent. Motionless. He doesn’t even breathe. His face goes completely blank and if you were little crazy you just might think he was dead. He never gives himself away. And always with those damn buttons. Wearing buttons everyday for as long as I’ve known him. It’s like the neat rows of plastic buttons keep him completely straight laced - no sympathy, no emotion, just silence and a winning hand.

Sure, I win sometimes, but it seems when I really need the win I don’t get it. Those are the times I lose sleep over it. It’s like his stoic glaze completely imprecates me for the night. Cursed and befuddled I try to distract myself, but I can’t. He’s jinxed me. Bewitched me. Hexed me, tossed my optimism, hopes and happiness into a state of blight.

Somtimes I wish I never knew him. Other times, I’m glad he’s always around. Needless to say things probably won’t ever change between him and I so I better get used to it. Oh well, c’est la vie.

Well as many two of you may know, my phone was lost, tragically, this past weekend. Friday night came around and the Fat Vampire found himself in Williamsburg¹ for a Halloween party and…well, due to the fact that the only pants option for a Fat Vampire is sweat-pants, my phone went kerplunk into the back of a cab and sped off and away from the Lower East Side never to be found again.

This, in some ways, was devasting. Not because I lost all my numbers (thanks Bluetooth!) and not because the phone was any good (circa 2003), but because I wasn’t ready to buy a new one yet.

My readership knows I’ve been patiently waiting since…well, since time began, for Cingular to get off the bench, step up to the plate, and hit a homer. Well, they still haven’t. Apparently there’s some cool stuff on the horizon, but I was planning to wait until after Christmas.

However, my phone recovery proved fruitless and I was forced to get a new phone. I know what you’re all thinking: “Man, this guy is an idiot. I am wasting a good 3 minutes by reading this trash. Why do I do this to myself…ugh. Maybe one of these links on the side is better. Let’s see here…Superbee’s Philosophy *click* Oh God. Just when I thought blogs couldn’t get any worse! QUICK! Send me back to mediocrity paradise! Shew. Anyway…where was I…”

I couldn’t just get some crapo-phone feature from Cingular and waste my “upgrade status.” And I didn’t want to buy the super-awesome phone I wanted because, well, it’s about $500. So I went on Ebay, found something suitable I can resell in a few months (if I need to), and got it for about $80 less than I thought I’d have to pay.

Enter: The Samsung SGH X820. An astounding 6.9 mm thin, this thing kicks the RAZR’s ass and leaves the SLVR lying in a pool consisting of its own vomit due to it being jealous and being driven to bulimia. My only complaint is that it doesn’t sync with iSync on a Mac - eh, whatever. The bluetooth works with everything else on my laptop so I don’t really have any complaints.

So to all of you who have ever thought about calling me but were using the fact that I recently lost my phone as an excuse, welcome back to non-excuse land. Where action is king. King of Spills.

¹This is a whole other post I’m working on.