Well, at least I think I’m funny.

I was hanging out with your friend and mine, the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey the other day, and we thought it would be best if we were able to find him a sidekick.

We came up with a few - Lactose intolerant frog-boy, The Stuffy Nosed Hippo, and we actually had an appointment to meet with the Incredible Shrinking Giant, but we couldn’t find him.

All was lost but then I was walking home from work something happened. As I crossed over 4th Avenue one of the motor vehicles caught my eye. I did a double-take. Luckily for you, I was able to snap a quick picture of it with my phone:

Yes, I actually took that picture with my phone and didn’t download it from somewhere. Ladies and Gentlemen, behold - Tiny Skateboarding Monkey’s new sidekick: Average-Sized Motorcycling Dog.

Ever had one of those days when everything is pretty normal? Some stuff makes you mad, other stuff makes you happy, but in general you know when you look back on your life you know you won’t remember it. You won’t remember it because you didn’t have a big fight or meet your future spouse or win an award or see someone tap-dancing naked on the eiffel tower or run into Jesus or the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey or Jesus AND the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey in a Skate-or-Die for original NES tournament.

That has been my day today.

But then iTunes did something it does only once in-a-rare-enough-while where it plays a bunch of great songs in a row. The streak doesn’t seem to stop. It just keeps going. It picks exactly what you need to hear, what you want to hear, what you haven’t heard in a while, what you’ve been missing musically. I love it.

Anyway, here’s what it played for me (in order of most recent to least recent):

• Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - Harry Connick Jr., Songs I Heard
• You And I Both - Jason Mraz, Waiting For My Rocket To Come
• Gravity - John Mayer, Continuum
• Uquinsil’ Ubada - Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Raise Your Spirit Higher
• You Don’t Know What Love Is (alternate take 16) - Bill Evans & Tony Bennett, Together Again (Remastered)
• Hip Funk - Grant Green, Complete Quartets With Sonny Clark (Disc 2),
• Straight, No Chaser - Quincy Jones and His Orchestra, Quintessence
• Off the Top (Gravity Wheel) - Bela Fleck and The Flecktones, Little Worlds (Disc 1)

As I was checking my Yahoo! mail today I saw the above advertisement in my inbox

Naturally my first idea of emailing a jerk chicken was that Yahoo! had somehow acquired a particularly rude fowl and were trying to teach it simple internet functions and typing skills. “Amazing!” I thought to myself, “that has got to be one smart bird!” Then I wondered what people would write to a Jerk Chicken, and what exactly a chicken could do that it would be qualified as a jerk?

Look at him. Thinks he’s so cool. What a jerk.

Does he sleep with the hens and not call them back? Does he eat all the corn? Peck at children? Oppress the gays and blacks? I can’t be entirely sure…but of course I can always venture a guess in the form of a preposterous scenario:

(Andy is walking down the street, minding his own business, on his way…somewhere…when all of a sudden he bumps into a chicken…)

Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk!

Andy: Pardon me sir-chicken! I didn’t see you down there. I profusely apologize and hope you have a lovely day.

JC: Why am I here?

Andy: Jesus? Oh I see, there’s some confusion. You see, Jerk Chicken abbreviates to JC. Which happen to be your initials as well.

JC: Ah, I see. Well then, carry-on, I’ll just be on my merry way.

Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk! Bawk bawk!

Andy: Sorry about that sir chicken. Anyway as I was saying, I’m very sorry, now if you’ll ex–

Jerk Chicken: Bawk bawk ba-kawk!

Andy: Well, that’s rude of you to say. And I’m neither gay, nor black! I merely bumped into you by accident. I didn’t mea-

Jerk Chicken: Ba-kawk! Bawk bawk bawk! bawk…….bawk bawk!

Andy: Sir, if you please! There’s no reason to bring mothers into this.

Jerk Chicken: Baawwwwwk! Bawk bawk ba-kawk!

Andy: Well screw you too you stupid bird! I have half a mind to-!

(Jerk Chicken begins pecking at Andy’s feet and legs, and doing that thing where chickens don’t really fly but they kind of try to, and it’s pecking at Andy all the while)

Andy: God! Stop! This doesn’t even hurt it’s just annoying! And you smell like a barn!

Jerk Chicken: *peck*peck*peck* BA-KAWK!

Andy: Ahhh!! This chicken is such a jerk! Someone get this maltempered roost-dweller offa me!

(Tiny Skate Boarding Monkey comes skating around the corner)

Andy: *gasp* TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!

(…and gets hit by a car)

Andy: awwww. DAMN YOU JERK CHICKEN! YOU KILLED TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!

Jerk Chicken: Ba. Kawk.

Andy: You don’t care? Well, one of these days Jerk Chicken, you will get yours…one of these days…

(flash into the future. Andy is at work checking his email when at least he sees an opportunity for revenge)

Andy: Email a Jerk Chicken! FINALLY!

Dear Jerk Chicken,

Remember when you killed the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey? That was terrible. He was only trying to help. Shame on you.

Love,

Andy

There, that’ll teach that bastard.

Yeah, that would teach that bastard. Stupid Jerk Chicken.

We all love MySpace. Well, all of us with the exception of maybe the guys who invented Facebook and Friendster. They probably don’t love them. Though I wonder if they have accounts on them? I bet they do. What a bunch of jerks.

At any rate this post isn’t meant to be focused on MySpace, but rather a certain aspect of the advertising on it. I’m sure if you’ve ever logged on you’ve seen ads for a dating service which I think is called True - though typically I’m distracted from any actual information on the ad and you’ll see why in a moment.

It’s an internet dating service and the ads always have the most smokin-hot girls in them in the most suggestive poses and I must say, I always look at it whenever it pops up. Here’s an example of such an ad:

All I have to say to this is: Yeah right. I’m not sure if any of you have ever peeped an online dating service before but I will tell you this - there are as many girls who use online dating that look like this, as there are blog posts about tiny skateboarding monkeys. If you want to see what they really look like, well, go to a bar and find the girls who aren’t getting hit on. Because I can garauntee you, the chick in the above ad will never have to go online to find some dude to hit on her(pending some horrible accident).

I feel bad for all the nerds on MySpace, or all the douchebags whose pictures are of their super-ripped ads, who click on this link and expect to find really hot chicks. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for the douchebags. I hope they get hit by trucks mostly. But those poor nerds. They click on the link thinking maybe they have a shot at a really hot girl for once, and they’re totally mislead.

Then, as I was refreshing my screen to get more shots of equally hot girls for the True service, ANOTHER dating service popped up - you’re gonna love this: Hot Enough.org is a site that actually screens members and only allows really attractive people into their dating service. Oh man, I couldn’t think of a worse idea.

Do you know how many people qualify themselves as hot? It’s ridiculous. I have heard some ladies talk about their friends and say “yeah, she’s beautiful” and I’ll just scowl silently, take a step behind the girl, and shake my head at the poor sap she’s suckering in to an ill-fated set-up.

The moral of the story is, don’t fall for any of it. If you want to find a date, do it like the rest of us: go to a bar, get drunk, and settle. Because it’s still better than anyone you’ll find on Match.com.

This morning on my walk to work I stopped in at Starbuck’s to grab some coffee. If you just pictured me walking behind the counter, turning on the coffee spout, and just grabbing at the coffee while it pours out of the spigot, well, you may share half of my brain.

Today I didn’t feel like suffering 3rd degree burns was a good solution to the chill in the air so I instead ordered my coffee like any normal human being - by mumbling at an incoherent teller who looks less excited than a coma patient on sleeping pills.

Starbuck’s always forgets my order. Always. I’m not sure I’ve ever been to one where I haven’t been waiting a few minutes only to be asked “What are you waiting for sir?” But I’m used to it, I cope, I’m a pretty laid-back guy so it never really bothers me. In fact, it makes me laugh.

Anyway, this morning I got my coffee and took it over to the fixin’s bar to throw in some cinnamon and sugar, when all of a sudden a man burst over next to me, touting the disposition of an angry troll and a haircut that…well, let’s just say that Boris no doubt had his way with this man’s head.

Troll man takes the lid off of his coffee to put stuff in it and is immediately outraged at what appears to be a very normal looking cup of coffee. “How the hell am I supposed to drink this!!” he shouts, dumps the coffee into the trash and then spikes the cup in after it. He then stormed over to the counter to belittle the poor employee who merely did her job.

I stood there laughing at the guy and thought “That poor bastard just allowed his entire day to be ruined by a cup of coffee.” Lately, I’ve been laughing a lot more. I used to get fired up about stuff or mad or upset, now I just laugh at things. And the more I do it, the more I realize how stupid it is to get angry or stressed about stuff - especially something as small as a $4 cup of joe.

Of course, then I imagined what it would be like if I were to answer his rhetorically idiotic question:

(Andy is at the fixins bar, the troll man comes up, sets his coffee down, and removes the lid…)

Troll: How the hell am I supposed to drink this?!

Andy: Oh here, let me help you. (Andy takes the cup of coffee from the man and holds it up to his mouth, holding his other hand under the man’s chin). Now, when I say “drink,” you open your mouth and I’ll dump this coffee in there. Then you’re going to need to swallow.

Troll: …You’re joking righ-

Andy: DRINK!

(Andy begins pouring coffe into Troll’s mouth as he’s speaking. The man sputters a bit as the coffee is obviously quite hot. The Troll knocks Andy’s hand away, spilling the coffee everywhere.)

Andy: Aw, you spilled the coffee everywhere!

Troll: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Andy: Well, I’m not sure. But among my many flaws is the fact that I never catch on to rhetoric.

Troll: You practically burned my face off!

Andy: I love that movie.

Troll: Really? I thought it was okay. Not Travolta’s best work. But Cage shines, I’ll give you that.

Andy: Oh really? Because I’d say it’s the other way around. Question: If you had to pick someone’s face to trade with, who would you pick?

Troll: Scott Baio!

Andy: Wow, you didn’t even have to stop and think about that did you?

Troll: Why would I?

Andy: I’m not sure. Probably because you fantasize about him…you know, sexually.

Troll: I keep forgetting you don’t understand rhetoric.

Andy: What?

Troll: Rhetoric.

Andy: I don’t understand rhetoric. If I had to change my face, I would change it to a monkey-face. I wouldn’t have to worry about a Halloween costume, and then I could potentially shrink myself and learn to skateboard.

Troll: …ok…

Andy: Well I’m going to be late for work. Good luck with your coffee. If you need imbibition help in the future, please do let me know.

I bet I would’ve easily saved that guy a good 15 blood pressure points. Oh well. Whoever you are troll-man, I hope you didn’t let that coffee ruin your day. Good luck.

I watched Grey’s Anatomy for the first time last Thursday night. Well that’s not exactly true. Technically it was the second time, but the first time I wasn’t really paying attention and talked through the whole thing - oh, if only I had been smart enough to do that the second time around.

Everywhere I go it seems some girl I know can’t wait to watch Grey’s Anatomy or put up a quote from it in her away message. When The Office ended and Deal or No Deal came on I quickly reached for the remote so my exposure to Howie Mandel’s shiny head and unpolished humor would be minimal. I started looking for one of the seemingly many new dramas on TV: Heroes, The Nine, Studio 60, then I quickly realized none of them were on. However, as I was flipping I recognized Grey’s Anatomy and thought “What the hell? I’ve had two beers.”

I’m not sure how exactly to describe my feelings toward the show. First of all, I found it utterly useless that it takes place in a hospital. They could easily transfer all these “doctors” to work at a Gap in a mall and they’d accomplish just about the same amount of doctoring as they do in the hospital.

Second, Most of the dialogues were women either trying to figure men out, figure themselves out, or just whining about things in general. The (I’m guessing) main character (chick from Old School) was all upset because she couldn’t choose between one of two men and she was a surgical intern so she wanted to be wooed properly because she didn’t have a lot of time to get it right. Ugh. If I wanted to listen to women complain about things I don’t care about, I would answer my cell phone when Erik calls.

Also, the guys on the show are totally ridiculous. One of the dudes couldn’t tell his girlfriend he didn’t want to move in with her. Please. If I had a girlfriend (and I imagine after writing this post I never will again) who asked me to move in and I didn’t want to, there would be nothing stopping me from making the “slcchhh” face, telling her no, and then turning on football.

If I was one of those Irish dudes what’s-her-face is trying to date, I would split faster than a horny gymnast. I mean those guys are getting completely played. I’m not sure that Robin is a doctor, but I know the other guy is. If I were to give him advice it’d go something like this:

Andy: Hey dude, what’s up?

Doc: Hey Andy, I’m sad.

Andy: Oh, why’s that?

Doc: This girl I like is seeing another guy, and I don’t know what to do?

Andy: Man, your hair is making you a co-star!

Doc: Huh?

Andy: Seriously. Do you have a team of people work on it in the mornings? I am the last person to know anything about style or fashion - but that hair is just remarkable. Is it real?

Doc: Well…yeah, but we can talk about my-

Andy: Look at it! It’s like someone froze the ocean and painted it glossy, jet black!

Doc: Ugh. Can you please-

Andy: If I were a tiny monkey I would buy a skateboard and make your hair my own personal skate park. I’d be the tiniest skating monkey ever! People would come from miles around and say “hey! Look at that tiny monkey skate!” I could charge admission!

Doc: Are we going to talk about my girl problems?

Andy: Your what? I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I swear your hair just waved at me and blew me a kiss.

Doc: I’m having girl problems!

Andy: Oh right. Dump her. You’re a doctor you moron. Take your hair and go pick up whoever you want. Duh.

Sorry ladies. I know the majority of you love this show, but I just didn’t get it. Then again, my dream is to be a tiny, skate-boarding monkey. So what do I know?