Well, at least I think I’m funny.

I never have a good halloween costume and this year is no exception, except that this year, I do. I’m adding an unconventional twist to a quite trite spectre. I’m going as a vampire. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “God, this post is terrible.” Well, shutup and read on. I mean, I guess you can’t shutup because you’re not actually talking…unless you are, then you’re just crazy. Crazy like a fox. At any rate, hear me out. I’m not going as just any vampire. I’m going as a fat vampire.

You see at first I wanted to go as something utterly stupid. Like a pillow. A box. A bottle of water. Something that people would see and say “that is the dumbest costume ever.” The problem is, it’d actually be pretty hard to do that. Next I decided I was going to just cover my face with red blush, and spritz myself with water and go as “The hottest man alive.” Get it? It’s like a play on words. Am I physically hot? Or am I…physically…hot…what? Well at any rate, I canned that idea.

Then I started to think about vampires because one of my friends said “oh just go as a vampire.” I realized you never see a fat vampire. We’re talking about a creature that sleeps all day and does nothing but eat and live for eternity. I imagine a vampire who was skinny wouldn’t be the norm. Then I thought about the great back story I could provide:

Person: Hey, what the hell are you supposed to be?

Andy: (showing fangs) I’m a fat vampire. Duh.

Person: Why a fat vampire?

Andy: Because I have a slow metabolism.

Person: Really?

Andy: Yes. And that causes me to gain weight. I’m also at a high risk for diabetes.

Person: Why don’t you just suck some blood to replace your blood.

Andy: First of all, I eat the blood, I don’t transfuse it into my veins. Also, how could I possibly be fast enough to catch someone to suck their blood? I’m fat.

Person: Can’t you turn into a bat?

Andy: Yeah.

Person: So why don-

Andy: A fat bat. Have you ever seen a fat bat? No way I’d even be able to think about lifting off. You don’t know anything about fat vampires do you?

Person: No I don’t.

Andy: Well, you need to go to the library and get a book or something. Noserfatu. And that’s not a typo.

Person: Typo? We’re talking.

Andy: Shut it. Or I will bite you and eat your brains.

Person: That’s a zombie.

Andy: A fat zombie.

Person: What?

Andy: Vampire.

Person: I’m leaving.

Andy: Have a nice trip!

Person: But I didn’t tri–

Andy: (puts his leg out and pushes Person so they trip) See ya next fall, jerk!

I know, that dialogue went absolutely nowhere. But anyway. A fat vampire. I hope everyone has a great All Hallow’s Eve. Make sure to have your parents inspect all your candy before you eat it. Now cram it!