Like Jack, if I could be like Jack.

Screw you Michael Jordan. You got NOTHIN’ on Jack Bauer.

There I said it. Never in my short life have I wanted to be a TV or movie character more than I do when Jack Bauer takes the stage. Jack Bauer is the complete bomb. Here are some reasons why –

1. If someone gives you guff, shoot them in the damn leg. That’s right. It can be a bullet or a tranquilizer gun, it doesn’t really matter, just do it. No one around you will care because you get results and because they don’t want to be shot in the leg.

2. You will always be right. Rest assured fellow co-workers, friends, and even family members will get mad at you and tell you how wrong you are. Don’t worry about it. You’re right. You will always be right. The best part is you don’t even rub it in their face, you just give them a knowing gaze as you seemingly predict the future time and again.

3. The babes. I don’t think I know a single girl (or a married one) who knows Jack Bauer and doesn’t want to jump right on his weiner.

4. Is there someone sneaking up behind you? Is there an armed assailant nearby? No problem. You have bad-ass hand to hand combat skills. You can break ankles, dodge punches, and even break necks with your freakin’ feet! Read that last part again – BREAK NECKS WITH YOUR FEET. How awesome is that? Can you imagine someone mugging Jack Bauer? I can imagine someone trying to. In the motion picture of my mind the scene always ends with Jack walking away as copious amounts of blood spray from the 1-3 removed bodily appendages, or as the hapless attacker writhes in the agonizing pain that accompanies having one of your bones rotated completely around in its socket.

5. As Jack Bauer you have the luxury of being able to fire any weapon, and drive any vehicle. Planes, helicopters, sniper-rifles, hand-guns, battle rifles – the world is your playground. The best part is not only can you use all of these things, you can use them better than 90 percent of the people who are trained in them can. You can pick people off from a distance while driving a tank, or you can fly a helicopter, parachute out, use your hand gun to kill enemy paratroopers, then land safely as your helicopter crashes perfectly into enemy headquarters saving the day.

6. The President is your personal friend. That’s right, the jerk is practically at your beck and call. Jack Bauer could probably tell the president to have a 2-day booze cruise on air force one and the president would happily consign providing liquor and ladies. Chances are he’d also thank you for the suggestion and then make some sweet holiday like Give Jack Bauer Presents, And Expensive Ones, Not Just Shitty Fruit Baskets Day.

If you still don’t watch 24, I hope you’ll start. Jack Bauer is awesome, and he will shoot you in the damn leg.