Sitting at work a preponderance of ridiculous thought occurs almost minutely (not my-noot-ley, but mih-nut-ley). The following is a story and dialouge that I imagine took place between two staplers. Original Stapler and New Swingline Stapler.
Original Stapler, a creme colored, light-weight swingline was minding it’s own business, happily clamping together the endless dregs of paperwork being stuffed into it’s mouth. Original Stapler has had an interesting life, perhaps more interesting than other staplers. Having traveled to several different offices in the building and holding the proud title of once having stapled through an amazing 150 pages at once he feels accomplished. But on this particular afternoon a new stapler had come to town and was being used far more than Original Stapler, not only that, Original Stapler had been moved to another side of the u-shaped desk where less paperwork came through.
New Swingline Stapler was a dark chap. Painted all in black and with the number 767 etched into his chrome face. Maybe that’s why he was bitter. Maybe its not. But the bottom line is, New Swingline was a bastard.
Heavier than Original Stapler he emitted a more forceful clunk upon the crimping of flimsy steel through flimsier paper. Original Stapler would never admit to being intimidated or frightened by New Swingline Stapler, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t.
Original Stapler: Uh, well, hey there…um, new…new fella. What’s uh…What’s yo—
New Swingline: Shut ups!
Original Stapler: That’s not very nice, I was just introducing myse–
New Swingline: If you don’ts shut up, I’lls do to you whats I dids to Pauly Shore’s face!
Original Stapler: What did you do to Pauly Shore’s face?
New Swingline: I fucking stapled it. Made it through two wholes clips of new staples before I stopped. It was sweet. That unfunny poseur-dick deserved every last one too…God damned bio-dome…
Original Stapler: Wa-wow…Tha-that’s pretty crazy…..where did you say you’re from again?
New Swingline: First of alls, you ain’t allowed to ask mes questions, Creamy.
Original Stapler: Creamy? Creamy isn’t my na-
New Swingline: SHUT UP! It your name now! Anyway I spent mes sometime at the state pen in the library theres – staplin’ shits and runnin’ drug deals on the side. But that shits was busteds yo. So I fuckin’ stepped me out. I thinks to myself “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit….”
Original Stapler: ………………
New Swingline: …………..
Original Stapler: …………..
New Swingline: ….Sorry. Sometimes I gets me all slowed down in my brains cause of all the shit I’ve seens me…balls.
Original Stapler: Oh that’s okay, I know that when I feel d–
New Swingline: I didn’t apologizes none to you biatch!
Original Stapler: Yes you did…
New Swingline: Shut the fuck up! So anyways I thinks to myself “shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, I gots to get me outsa here ‘fore the damns polices brings my ass down and shit!” So I hopped me on a bus and made it here. Fucking paradise. I’ll do is staples me some shit and watch hot bitches come into the wellness center. See that tasty young ho over there? *indicates nearby rubberband*
Original Stapler: Oh yeah, Netta, I like her.
New Swingline: Too bad cause I already banged her! 767s in the hay-ouse biatch!
Netta: Shutup you lying asshole dick! *whispers to original stapler* Stand up for yourself OS, you’re better than this jerk!
New Swingline: Anyway, I’m takin’ this operation over.
Original Stapler: Now you listen here, I will no-
*New Swingline staples Netta to the desk*
New Swingline: Quantos questan bitches!!
Netta: …that doesn’t make any sense!
New Swingline: Whatever, you’re stapled to a fucking desk!
*New stapler leaves as Original Stapler stares helplessly at Netta who is struggling to get free.*
Original Stapler: I’m so sorry Netta! Where is Bosch Staple Remover when you need him? Don’t struggle too much, you’ll tear!
Bosch: I’m right here dude. Whoa!,Netta is messed up! Bosch to the rescue!
*Bosch unclamps Netta from the desk*
Original Stapler: I’m gonna go kill that bastard.
Bosch: Dude! OS is pissed!
*Original Stapler slides off as a distant Netta’s cry is heard “don’t do anything drastic!”*
Original Stapler is experiencing something he’s never experienced before. He’s in a rage. He’s panicked. His staples are…stapleyier. He buys a gun. Later that day he finds New Swingline.
New Swingline: I see you’re back asshole. What the fu-
*New Swingline pauses as Original Stapler pulls out his gun*
Original Stapler: What’s a matter? Loss for words?
New Swingline: I’ve seen a gun before you idiot. I’m not afr-
*Before he can finish a sentence Original Stapler shoots New Swingline – not once, not twice, but 13 times, the whole baker’s dozen clip.
Original Stapler walks away. He feels better and worse at the same time. He starts to shake.
His life is changed from that day forward. Everyone always asked “Hey where’d that new stapler go? I hear his kids are in an orphanage now.” Original Stapler feels bad the kids have no parents now, but good that they’re not going to grow up to be assholes like their dad…maybe they’ll be normal like him, and just end up killing assholes. Because assholes suck. Nobody likes them. They should be killed.
We can learn a lot from Original Stapler. Or we can learn nothing. It’s our choice.