Never in my life do I ridicule people I don’t know more than when I watch the NBA Finals. I’m not sure what it is – entertaining my friends, the incredible IDIOTS that appear in the NBA, the fact that I’m really jealous that I can’t dunk a basketball (despite being painfully close at times). Nevertheless, the finals allow me to pick a team to love, and a team to hate. To each player on each team I assign personalities based entirely on appearance and pre/post-game interviews. This year I’m choosing to root for the Spurs.
Typically I would never root for the Spurs. In fact, I don’t even like the Spurs. But holy crap did I want the Heat to be in the finals, and my good Lord, do I hate, hate, HATE the Detroit Pistons.
In order to give you all a good idea of the types of things I come up with when watching the games I’ve decided to profile each player that receives substantial playing time for the Pistons. So ladies and gentlemen, here are your DETROIT PISTONS! (lights go off, lasers shoot everywhere, shitty techno plays).
Center – Ben Wallace
I used to like Ben Wallace and may very well again after these playoffs are over so my complaints with him are few. I will say he slaps like a frenzied italian grandmother when an opponent is anywhere near him*. You can pretty much read his “steals” category as “vigorous, hefty swats which injure players and free the ball from their hands.” The only difference between the two category descriptions is the former is what is called when the Pistons play at home.
Forward – Rasheed Wallace
Have you seen this guy open his mouth? If not, just watch the next time he gets called for a foul. The firth-like hole in this guy’s head encompasses 36 rows of scraggly teeth. I once saw him dunk the ball, then take a bite out of the rim, then get pieces of the rim stuck in his teeth! He also looks like he would be one of those really smelly guys. You know what I mean – these are people you don’t want to get stuck next to on a bus or subway and the reason taking the stairs can be a pleasure. I’m not sure if its his scraggly beard or the fact that he always looks mean. I imagine if my garbageman went crazy** and started killing people he would resemble Rasheed Wallace in appearance and aroma.
Forward – Tayshaun Prince
With complete and utter lack of Power Generation, this is one Prince to which I’ll never bow. Tayshaun gives new meaning to the word “spindly.” The closest thing I can compare him too are these giant muppets from an old Muppet Show. They take up the entire stage and just have incredibly long arms and legs and like a round thing for a head and I think the song they’re doing back up dancing for is Girl from Ipanema***. Tayshaun does have a redeeming factor in that he is paper-thin and is constantly getting knocked to the floor.
Gaurd – Chauncy Billups
Chauncy shoots the lights out. He makes more insane leaning, floating, shots than anyone I’ve seen. Chauncy used to be terrible and never even got playing time but he’s really stepped up his game. I really wouldn’t know how to make fun of Chauncy except that he looks like he just fell off the onion truck, managed to grab hold of the exhaust pipe, inhale deeply for several miles, then hit his head on a rock. His countenance makes it impossible to believe he even passed nap-time in Kindergarten. The following is an advertisement for Nerd Rope I came up with last year during the finals.
An entirely white backdrop features a ton of kids running up to the camera and screaming “NERD ROPE!” Cut to Chauncy in locker room
Chauncy (who’s voice sounds like someone saying “DUUUH”): Hey fellas! I found me some Nerd Rope! It’s great!
Teammate: Oh really? Where did you find it?
Chauncy: It was just sitting in the shower drain!
Teammate: That’s really gross.
Chauncy: What are you talkin’ about! You know its clean! I’m gonna go have some fun!
Cut to Chauncy on white backdrop with a bunch of kids. Film is sped up and Scene features Chauncy lassoing kids and them lassoing him with Nerd Rope. They appear to be having a great time.
Close-up on lassoed child who pauses, sneezes into hands, then grabs hold of the rope again as play continues.
Cut to outside – Kids seen holding nerd-rope as jump-rope for Chauncy who is doing double-dutch and tripping often. Nerd-rope is getting covered in dirt.
Cut to Nerd-rope logo.
Announcer: Nerd-Rope! It’s the candy you put your hands all over, then your friends put their hands all over, then you eat!
‘Nuff said about Chauncy.
Gaurd – Richard Hamilton
No one in the entire Pistons organization bothers me more than Rip. This cheating jerk of a player becomes more like Reggie Miller with every game. His ability to push, hook, and swipe people sneakily improves 10-fold every game. If Reggie Miller is the Emporer, Richard Hamilton is Anakin Skywalker being trained in the ways of douche-baggery. The craziest part about Hamilton is no matter how many calls are going in the Piston’s favor, no matter how many points they’re up by, he will still complain about every single foul called against him, or no-call against him. He is the whiniest little bitch player ever. The other day on ESPN they made a huge deal about running 3.2 miles per game as opposed to the average player’s 2.5 miles. Listen up assholes. I run 5 damn miles every other day and its not that hard and I do it in 8 less minutes. I also don’t get a half-time break and occasional periods of sitting out. Richard Hamilton is NOT a good athlete. He’s a cheater and a weasel and I hope he gets run over by a bus.
Lindsey Hunter –
Has a girl’s first name. Can’t score points anymore. Makes a face like he’s in pain and making the sound “Eeeeeeeeee” when he gets called for fouls. Doesn’t deserve complete sentences.
Antonio McDyess –
Well I tell you what. I actually like McDyess. He’s cool.
Carlos Arroyo –
I hated you in Puerta Rico and I hate you even more in the US. You miss all your shots and are good for 3-4 turnovers per game. The only time you play well is when your team is already up by 15+ points. I have four words for you: Welcome to the CBA.
As you can see the Pistons roster is filled with jerks, tools, douche-bags, clowns, and morons. I hope you hate them as much as I do now, and that we can root against them together…maybe we can form a fanclub of doom****.
*Don’t touch-a da sauce! (or for my bilingual readers: Non tocca il sugo!)
**Surprisingly, I imagine my garbage man going crazy quite often, though its usually on the dance floor.
***Which by the way is one of so many awesome standards by Jobim. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Go buy a CD and see for yourself.
****If we do, I am the one who gets to be Dr. Doom. How cool does that sound?