Gazing Into My Crystal Ball….s…(I couldn’t resist)

It is June and in case you haven’t noticed, summer is here. I am completely done with school (at least for the time being – I may or may not go to law school) and am fully equipped with my Master’s Degree.

Bridled with optimism and beaming with pride I began happily sending out resumes in January. I estimate at this point I’ve sent out approximately 8.2 million but its difficult to judge as almost no one responds, not even a rejection letter, and I’ve only had two companies actually call me and have only set up one interview for those two.

At this point, I am mentally trudging through the job-search process everyday and have limited my choices to Everything and my desired salary to Anything. As those of you who know me well probably already know this summer in general has been about the worst summer of my life. My car broke down, my girl friend left me and I have no job and no money – maybe I should be a country singer.

But alas most people are encouraging and say “the job hunt is boring and dejecting” and its nice to know that everyone, well, most everyone, has to go through with it. But the worst part is I really have nothing to do but look for a job and think about getting a job all day everyday. I envy all of my recent law-grad buddies who have the bar to study for – the ones that don’t already have jobs at least have something else to fill up their time.

Often times I sit and wonder what my future will be like and I have decided that when my lease in Miami runs out at the end of July I will just pick up and move. I’m looking at going to either Santa Monica or New York City. I have no friends in either city but friends of friends in both cities. They both are hubs of the music industry and both offer meanial jobs working in an entry level position.

I know you depend on me for writing, or at least attempting to write, humorous things on my blog and this particular post is no exception, you just needed that bit of background. I have come up with some random ideas about job hunting and some predictions about what my future will hold depending on the city to which I end up moving.

Job Hunt:

Hunting for a job should be more like hunting itself. You should be able to get a large gun, find a corpulant CEO and just fire bullets at him until you get what you want. The more the CEO resists by telling you how unqualified and unexperienced you are, the more bullets you get to fire. If you happen to kill the CEO you don’t get the job, but you DO get to keep whatever you manage to scrounge from his corpse before the police arrive.

Unfortunately the closest I can come to this situation is using the mail. That’s right, the mail. My letters are like intensely slow-traveling bullets and the addresses are like the aimers. If I’m lucky, I’ll get a rejection letter shot back at me – usually it hits me right in the zip-code. I can’t say its too pleasant but at least I hear something.

Applying for jobs online is another method of job hunting I’ve been using a lot. To me this is like fishing with a dart. You take a dart and whip it into the sea to in an attempt to hit a fish. If you DO manage to hit a fish, you have to fucking go and get it and try and remember where exactly your dart fell. The only problem is you really have no idea whether or not you hit a fish because the fish don’t respond in anyway.

Networking is the key. Networking is the goal. Networking is how you get a job. You know what the problem with networking is? You have to talk to douchebags. You all know its true – at least when you’re starting out. You have to talk to anyone and everyone and ask if they know anything (which they never do) and then sit there and listen to them talk about random crap you don’t care about for a while. I think I’ve met maybe three people who have provided any useful information during my job search. Let’s all pause for a brief whoop. Whoop.

My Future:

Alright as I said earlier I’m thinking of moving to either Santa Monica or NYC. Both places are awesome but here’s most likely what would happen if I live in –

Santa Monica –

A few days after moving to Santa Monica I get a part time job as a waiter and meet my future wife, Jennifer Aniston. One day Jennifer strikes up a conversation:

Jennifer: Andy I love you and you never have to work
Me: No baby, I’m the man of the house. I’m just gonna TCOB.
Jennifer: What does that mean?
Me: Take care of business.
Jennifer: No I know, but what does that mean?
Me: Well I’m not sure.
Jennifer: Why did I marry you again?
Me: (laughing and shaking head in disbelief) I have no idea. Say, I know what Joey is up to but how are Monica and Chandler doing with their twins?
Jennifer: What? Those aren’t real people.
Me: …what?
Jennifer: That was a TV show.
Me: I love when you try and trick me.
(Jennifer heaves an exasperated sigh and throws her hands in the air)

There would be a lot more making out and sex-having between us but that’s basically what every day would be like.

Anyway Jennifer would introduce me to all kinds of cool people and I’d eventually get a job at a 7-11 while some amusical goon gets the CEO job of the only huge record-label conglomerate that was left over – BM Gunisonemi.

New York –

I’d move in with the friend of my sister and walk her dog and eventually start working at a Starbucks. At starbucks I’d be driven to drinking coffee everyday* and I would be energized like never before. I’d take on several other jobs including street-sweeper, crazy-guy in times square, and host of TRL. Using my underappreciated wit mixed with me** zeal to make jokes in poor-taste I would eventually lose my street-sweeping and crazy-guy job. I would buy an appartment on the upper west-side and run into Jennifer Aniston on the street one day:

Jennifer: Hey, didn’t you use to be a my street-sweeper?
Me: No, you probably recognize me as the host of TRL.
Jennifer: Well, the qualifications are pretty much the same, so whatever. Anyway, would you like to date me? I hate that Brad Pitt and you seem cooler than him.
Me: Sure, say…don’t you live in California?
Jennifer: Yeah but I’m here visiting Monica and Chandler. They got divorced after a crocodile ate their babies and now have apartments across from each other.
Me: Why do the live across from each other?
Jennifer: America loves drama!
Me: What does that mean?
Jennifer: Who cares? Let’s makeout!
Me: Sweet, this is the best future prediction so far!
Jennifer: ¿Que?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t speak dutch.

After breaking the language barrier Jennifer and I would hit it off and eventually star in the sitcom of our lives which you would watch, not really because its any good, but because you put a lot of effort into reading this post that just rambled on about my infuriated state of not having a job.

*I do not drink coffee currently as I think it tastes terrible. Despite the amount of milk, sugar, fudge, caramel or whatever else you mix it with, it will still be hot bean water to me.

**This was originally a typo but I figured you needed to practice your inner-monologue’s english accent.