Years ago my friend Tom bought a brand new computer from this brand new computer company called Dell. It was a Pentium 75 with 4MB of RAM. His older brother, a bit of a derelicht, named Matt, ended up buying a video game for that computer called Doom 2. When my dad bought our first computer a little bit later, I managed to snag Tom’s copy of Doom 2 and we played over the modem. It was awesome. Years later, in 2004, Doom 3 comes out. I haven’t really played it much because of the insane computer requirements, but it seems equally as awesome as the old one did back then.
The plot of the video game is that you are a Marine (a space marine) armed with various weapons and a portal to hell has been opened. It is your job to kill all the beasties and of course, save the day. The end guy being, if I recall correctly, the Devil.
There is a new movie out called Doom. Doom is based on the new version of the video game.
Just to remind you, here are a few other movies that were based on video games:
1. Mortal Kombat
2. Super Mario Brothers
3. Mortal Kombat II
4. Street Fighter
5. Tomb Raider
6. Double Dragon
7. Tomb Raider II
8. Final Fantasy
Okay, that should be enough to help you realize how well movies based on video games do. So in the spirit of knowing that Doom the movie will be terrible, I’ve decided to list some one-liners that will be uttered by the Rock throughout the film.
1. “We’re Doomed”
2. “You’re Doomed”
3. “See you in Hell”
4. “Marines, let’s get ready to Doom it up!”
5. “Hey baby, Doome”
6. “You’re so Devil-may-care!”
7. “Who wants Deviled eggs?”
8. “…between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea*”
9. “Doomy doomy doom doom! Hell!”
10. “Everybody! Go play the video game Doom!”
I urge everybody to go see this movie. I promise all of those lines will be used. I also promise you will hate the movie unless you are drunk when you’re watching it. I plan to be drunk if I ever see this film. I bet you could even do a drinking game before you even saw the movie – everytime there’s a reference to the video game, drink. Every time the reference is a bad pun, drink 2.
*This line will also reference another terrible movie, deep blue sea.