Have you ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond? If you haven’t, do yourself a favor and do two things –
1) Read this post – I’m about to sum up every episode
2) Never think of it again – you’ll save yourself valuable time.
You see while I’ve chuckled here or there during an episode, I’ve laughed harder and longer just watching my dog walk around the house. Shit, I’ve laughed harder at just watching JB and Erik walk around the house.
The main characters in the show are Ray’s wife, his two parents, and his brother, Robert (and of course Ray). Ray lives with his wife, Deborah, and his two parents live next door with the brother Robert living in the basement.
Every episode begins with Raymond doing something his wife won’t like, but hiding it from her. Occassionally they’ll throw in the episode where the wife will mess up – but Raymond will fuck that up too and eventually he’ll end up in the hot seat anyway.
Ok, so here we are, Raymond has fucked something up and his wife doesn’t know. Inevitably he will tell her some lie about his childhood or some other seemingly private tale that no one else would know – well at least no one that isn’t in his immediate family. Then, later in the episode, either his parents or his brother will burst in (being the only ones privvy to this information), inform Deborah of the lie while Raymond isn’t there, then Ray will be in trouble.
The rest of the episode will involve the following:
1. Deborah gets mad at Ray’s mom.
2. Robert gets jealous of Raymond.
3. Ray’s mom dotes on him.
4. Ray’s dad will insult Ray’s mom by calling her: Ugly, Fat, or insinuating she’s a sex fiend.
5. Ray’s mom will call his dad: Stupid or Lazy
6. Ray’s mom will insult Deborah’s: Cooking, Parenting
At the end of the episode all will be forgiven and Raymond will end up asking his wife for sex. She will of course turn him down.
Now I’d like to give a brief character summary for each of the main characters:
Raymond – a bumbling idiot who never learns. Occasionally he’ll have a funny line, and his timing is good, but typically you just want to cut his throat for being an incompetant human being.
Deborah – a cold-hearted, sexless bitch. She gets mad at the most ridiculously small things and forgives Ray for the most stupid things. She never wants to have sex. Yeah, I’m gonna get married real soon.
Ray’s Mom (Marie) – A fat mom who is meddling and stupid. She’s never funny and often takes offense to things as easily as Deborah.
Ray’s Dad – Funniest character on the show. He’s crude and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Once in a while there will be a heartfelt moment with him, but I can easily over look these as Frank is easily the most amusing personality.
Robert – a pessimistic police officer who hates being really tall. Gimme a break. No way this dude wouldn’t have been at LEAST a star college athlete. Constantly jealous of Ray because of his wife and family and the mom’s doting. More miserable than Raymond, but not as bumbling.
The Kids – Raymond has kids you say? Yes he does. They are largely ignored in every single show except for brief periods when they’re used to display Ray’s terrible parenting or to get a cheap “awww” moment.
Given the above information, I present to you my Everyone Love Raymond script:
In the opening scene, Raymond burns down the house. Deborah comes home:
Deborah: You fucking dick! You burnt down the house!
Raymond: I, uh….well you see….bah bah bah duuuuuuuuhhhh…when I was growing up I was always….I always liked fire and my brother Robert, he would never let me play with matches. So I decided to.
Deborah: Oh Ray, you never got to play with matches? That’s okay.
Ray goes out to…I dunno, crash the car or something.
Robert enters the kitchen in which Deborah is cooking.
Robert (in his low, idiotic baritone): Hey Deborah. I sure am sad that my girlfriend/wife/dog/police partner left me. I hate living at home.
Deborah: Hey you fucking cunt. Ray burned down the house, I can’t cheer you up now. You should’ve let him play with matches years ago.
Robert: WHaa? Ray played with matches all the time. Did he lie to you?
(Robert takes great amusement in the fact that Ray will be in trouble – even though it happens every fucking day).
Deborah: No sex for him!
Ray enters followed by his parents.
Ray: whaaaaaaa, hey honey. How….how are you….buuuhhh.?
Deborah: You lied you asshole! You’ve played with matches, I can’t believe I felt sorry for you!
Ray: ROBERT! WHY DID YOU TELL HER!
Ray’s Mom: She’s a bad cook, Frank, you are lazy!
Ray’s Dad: At least I’m not a fat old bitch, biatch!
Ray: Look Deborah, I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have lied.
Deborah: Oh Ray, accidents happen…fucker.
Ray: Let’s have seeeeeeex! bu-duuuuuuh!!
Deborah: NO WAY!
And that my friends, is every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.