Inevitably your life comes to a screeching halt. There’s no rhyme or reason and there’s nothing you can do. Surprisingly enough, my standstill was reached almost immediately after starting my new job.
It wasn’t the job itself and certainly not the city, but in fact the crux of the matter is that I am still somewhere between State College and New York. Physically and mentally (no doubt because of the physicality of it all). Here I sit in Boonton, New Jersey on a Friday night, clinging to the internet for all its possible outlets.
Not having a place to call home is quite possibly the single most taxing experience that I have been through. I stay at my Uncle’s place, and while he and my Aunt couldn’t be nicer and couldn’t go out of their way more, this makes me feel just as uncomfortable as if they hated me, and the crew from the Poser Mobile service were my “friends” and coming over to hang out here every night. I feel like a complete burden. They don’t allow me to help them with chores and everything I need is not only supplied, it’s overwhelmingly thrust at me (making me feel bad to say “no.”). My diet has suffered due to the incredible amounts of food that are prepard for me and my exercise level has suffered because of the extraordinary amount of time my commute into the city takes (1.5 hours one way) and the lack of a nearby gym.
The commute also lends itself to me having to get up over 2 hours earlier than I would normally have to, and return home 2 hours later than I normally would. That basically means another 4 hours is tagged onto my “work day.” This causes an amazing amount of fatigue, lack of free time, and generally feeling lousy.
There is a longing to be home in State College for the first time in a long time. Not because I necessarily miss home, but because it IS a home. I feel right there, not accepted per se, but not in the way is more like it. I met some great people this summer/early fall and miss hanging out with them too. I talk to them and hear about them going out and I miss it. I miss being able to go out. To have the ABILITY to go out. I mean, I even have MONEY and I can’t GO OUT.
I know what you’re thinking. “Andy, it’s fucking New York, you’re making excuses, go out and meet people!” But I’d really like to stress that at this point in time it is just logistically impossible. I’m so tired from getting up so early and having a such a long day, that by the time my work day in the city is done, I am weary. Weary from working, weary from being up early, apathetic due to lack of exercise, and weary knowing I still have an hour and a half before I get home. The last train I can possibly catch home is at 11:40, putting me home shortly after 1am. Not so bad? Try staying up from 7:15am to 1am sometime after putting in a full day’s work. It’s a mess. Keep in mind if I want to go out, I also have to stay in the city. I have to literally kill time, probably a couple of hours, until its actually “time” to go out. Perhaps you can see the connundrum I’m in.
So why don’t I find an apartment? The problem is two-fold. Not only do I have to FIND a place that’s agreeable (a feat in and of itself), but then the roommate who is offering it has to like me enough to offer me the spot. Tomorrow night I’m hanging out with one such roommate (this is roughly 3 weeks after I originally saw the place) and so I’m HOPING this one turns out well. There will be a very excited or very angry post on Sunday when I find out depending on the outcome.
Keep in mind I’m not complaining here at all – well except maybe how I feel not having run consistently in weeks and having over-eaten dude to guilt for turning something down – my outlook is still positive. But it is getting tough! So if you’re bored some weeknight and its before 11, give me a call. I’d love to hear from you, give my advice, tell how to do something, ANYTHING. Drunk dials are always welcome too…I plan to return them BIG TIME come move-in day in NYC.