Ever since rearing its ugly head around Sir Isaac Newton, Gravity has been a real pain in the ass. From assisting people with suicide to affecting yours truly’s ups in a basketball game Gravity rears its stupid ugly head, pissing people off time and again.
There I was, an intramural basketball game with the Turbo Snails. I drive to the hoop, crossover, jump…and then miss my layup. Thanks a lot Gravity. Because of you, the slam dunk I had planned on executing with a ridiculous yell to be followed by lots of hopping and chest pounding – failed.
Poor Bill. He hates his life. His wife left him for another man who drives a pickup truck and calls himself “Jebby.” Then he comes home one day to find his dog ate his child and then electrocuted itself. Bill just can’t take it anymore. He takes a trip to New York, stands atop one of our many large buildings, and jumps off. Then Gravity gets hold. It forces Bill to the ground instead of into counseling where he belongs. Thanks Gravity, killer! Why don’t you go hangout with Jack Kevorkian and smoke cigarettes!
“Anyone want a cigarette with Uncle Jack? These things’ll kill ya…then again, so will I!”
I don’t think there is a more inconsiderate force. I mean sure, centrifugal force is kind of non-chalant about things, but at least you can dazzle kids by swinging your arms around holding buckets filled with water. What can you do with Gravity? Nothing, that’s what!
Luckily we’ve got a couple celestial bodies on our side in the fight. The gravity on the moon is 1/6th what it is on earth, 1/6th!! The moon is fighting the good fight. In a Universe where Gravity is doing its best to keep everything under its the thumb the moon is saying “Fuck you! EVERYONE should be able to slam dunk!”
Video game…or WAVE OF THE FUTURE?!
Another little guy on our side is Pluto. Keepin’ it real at only about 1/500th of the Earth’s mass (by the way, since when is the Earth Roman Catholic?) Pluto’s gravitational force weighs in at a measely 1/12th of the Earths. Kudos Pluto, keep fighting the good fight!
What worries me is that nothing seems to stop Gravity. Granted it hasn’t done anything too drastic for centuries, but you never know – it could end up hurling us right into the Sun! In order to be prepared for such an event i have constructed a suit made entirely of tin-foil.
As you can see the suit allows me to be prepared and look sharp for work and social functions.
In the end when Gravity takes its final toll on you all it’s going to come down to this – I am going to be the best dressed basketball player around. Want to join me for a game? You’d better start preppin’!