Dear Mexican Guy,
Hey, how’s it going buddy? Listen, if you need anything like soap or a towel, you let me know. I can run down to Duane Reade and pick some toiletries up for you. I’ll even pick up the tab…well, maybe you can sling a few tacos my way or something, that’d be nice, but still it’s a good deal. The reason I offer is because a few times I’ve walked into the rather small bathroom to find you bathing yourself in the sink.
I’m not sure exactly what prompts you to do this, yet there you are, splashing water up your shirt and pant legs, and, more conventionally, on your face, neck, and hands. Do you not have a shower at home you could use? Is it broken? I bet you pee in the shower. Oh no, I hope you don’t pee in our sink. I don’t even want to think about that. What exactly are you doing in an office building that requires you to sweat and smell so bad that you have to take a shower anyway?
Another thing, I’d like to request you stop all the splashing. You really do make a mess of the place. I mean after you’re through it looks like the bathroom experienced it’s own little Nor’easter. Also the water is kinda…gray. How do you get so dirty? Especially under your shirt and pant legs? I just don’t get you man. I wish I did.
I also wish I knew why it is you go into the bathroom stall and yank off about 25 yards of toilet paper to dry off with. That stuff is total garbage – 1-ply, PLEASE! – I wouldn’t wipe my a- oh, I guess I would. But still. It’s gotta get stuck to you in tiny little pieces when you use it to dry off.
Maybe it’s just your upbringing though. Don’t be ashamed of it, but certainly you should do your best to rise above your miserably taught bathing skills:
Is that your brother in there with you? It is isn’t it? Man you were a cute kid…what happened to you? No, I’m not joking. I know people say that a lot and mean it as a joke, but I am dead serious. You’re all fat now, your clothes are dirty – you bathe in a sink for God’s sake! What you need is a gym membership. You could lose those extra pounds, and then shower when you’re done working out.
Well, I better get back to work. I can’t just sit here and write letters all day!
Hoping you’ll find a less obtrusive way to clean yourself,
Andy
p.s. Please stop peeing in the “shower,” I can’t stress this enough.