I was walking up 7th Avenue returning from my lunchbreak. I had my Jamba Juice in one hand and was crossing over 26th street when a limo slowly rounds the corner and pulls away.
I have this strange fascination with limos. Whenever I see one I think “Wow that car is really long! I mean seriously…probably a little too long to be practical. I wonder what kind of gas mileage it gets. I’ll bet it isn’t very good. Maybe its better than I think though. It’s possible. I’ll have to ask someone that knows that kind of thing next time the opportunity arises. It probably won’t any time soon. Ugh, I’ll never know. Maybe I can google it and find out. I’ll have to remember that for later.” And I never remember. But then I think “I wonder who’s in there, who’s so important that they’re driving around in a limo.”
All of sudden, from out of nowhere like…like so many dogs…no like two, two dogs, like two dogs running after a mailman, a man moving slightly faster than others runs up and pulls me aside:
Man: I saw you staring at that limo, sun.
Andy: Don’t call me son! I mean you could at least spell it right!
Man: How did you…?
Man: Anyway I saw you staring at that limo. Do you know who it was?
Andy: No I don’t.
Man: It was Regis Philbin.
Andy: Cool. I really like Regis. I think he’s a class act.
Man: Me too. I feel he really gets overlooked when you consider he goes out there
day in, day out, working his butt off.
Andy: Oh definitely. I like Kelly too but feel she needs to prove herself more.
Man: I’ll agree with you there too. Kathie-Lee is a tough act to follow.
Andy: Yeah, but I mean Kelly is hot, and it’s been a few years now.
Man: Has it? Wow, time really flies doesn’t it?
Andy: Yes, it sure does.
Andy: Kelly and Regis…
Man: Regis and Kelly.
Man: …they have a great chemistry.
Andy: Yes, they share a tremendous chemistry.
Man: I always hated chemistry in high school.
Andy: Really? I was pretty impartial to it. I mean I skipped a lot but, it wasn’t
Man: I think I was really just reaching out for a challenge and when it wasn’t being presented –
Andy: Wait! How did you know Regis was in the limo?! That’s incredible!
Man: Because, I am a member of humans –
Andy: SUPER humans?!
Man: Well not SUPER per se –
Andy: Oh. Average?
Man: No. We call ourselves the Slightly Above Average Humans. SAAH for short.
Andy: SAAH? That’s not the greatest acronym. I mean you couldn’t have been like, The Almost Impressive Mortals. At least that kind of makes TAIM.
Man: Look, I’m not here to debate our acronym.
Andy: No, I know, I’m just saying.
Man: At any rate, we all have powers. Not super powers, but just like, above-average powers.
Andy: Well that’s somewhat impressive. I mean it’s not REALLY impressive, but it’s kind of impressive.
Man: Yeah we get that lot. Say, if you’d like to meet the rest of the group I’m fairly busy today. I mean I have more appointments than most people but I’m not THAT
Andy: Yes! An adventure!
Man: …how old are you, like 6?
Andy: I’m sorry I just really like adventures.
The man, whose name I soon after found out was Tint-See-Througher-Guy (I’m guessing this was just an alias, as giving his real name would’ve resulted in a decent amount of fan mail…though not really a huge amount), directed me through some streets blind-folded so I wouldn’t be able to find it again unless I tried really extra-hard. And honestly their place was nice, but it wasn’t SO nice that exert that much effort but, it made him feel better.
Upon arrival I was introduced to the rest of the group:
Van Man: Van Man has the ability to always get a van whenver he needs one. If you ever need to move a bed in the city or to pick up something you can’t fit in a cab, you should be on the lookout for Van Man.
Subway Timing Guy: Subway Timing Guy’s subway timing is slightly better than most peoples’. His nearly-keen subway sense allows him to get to the track just as the train is arriving…most of the time. Occassionally he has to stop for a bagel.
B-List Celebrity Imposter Girl: I call her B. LeCig (Bee LaySig – like French.) for short. Want to surpass that line at the club that used to be really popular but now is just kind of popular? Need to get some non-expensive free swag? B-Cig may just be able to help you. I saw her turn into Soleil Moon-Frye and totally get a “1-dollar off” coupon from some poor sap at Arby’s. It was amazing…well not amazing, it was alright I guess. Honestly I was just happy to be getting a Beef’n’Cheddar. I still would’ve paid the extra dollar.
After taking it all in, I decided that while all of their talents are useful, they’re only handy once in a while and even if you can’t find one of them you can usually just pay someone 15 bucks to accomplish the same thing. Needless to say it was a slightly better afternoon than I’m used to having, but it wasn’t anything great.