This morning on my walk to work I stopped in at Starbuck’s to grab some coffee. If you just pictured me walking behind the counter, turning on the coffee spout, and just grabbing at the coffee while it pours out of the spigot, well, you may share half of my brain.
Today I didn’t feel like suffering 3rd degree burns was a good solution to the chill in the air so I instead ordered my coffee like any normal human being – by mumbling at an incoherent teller who looks less excited than a coma patient on sleeping pills.
Starbuck’s always forgets my order. Always. I’m not sure I’ve ever been to one where I haven’t been waiting a few minutes only to be asked “What are you waiting for sir?” But I’m used to it, I cope, I’m a pretty laid-back guy so it never really bothers me. In fact, it makes me laugh.
Anyway, this morning I got my coffee and took it over to the fixin’s bar to throw in some cinnamon and sugar, when all of a sudden a man burst over next to me, touting the disposition of an angry troll and a haircut that…well, let’s just say that Boris no doubt had his way with this man’s head.
Troll man takes the lid off of his coffee to put stuff in it and is immediately outraged at what appears to be a very normal looking cup of coffee. “How the hell am I supposed to drink this!!” he shouts, dumps the coffee into the trash and then spikes the cup in after it. He then stormed over to the counter to belittle the poor employee who merely did her job.
I stood there laughing at the guy and thought “That poor bastard just allowed his entire day to be ruined by a cup of coffee.” Lately, I’ve been laughing a lot more. I used to get fired up about stuff or mad or upset, now I just laugh at things. And the more I do it, the more I realize how stupid it is to get angry or stressed about stuff – especially something as small as a $4 cup of joe.
Of course, then I imagined what it would be like if I were to answer his rhetorically idiotic question:
(Andy is at the fixins bar, the troll man comes up, sets his coffee down, and removes the lid…)
Troll: How the hell am I supposed to drink this?!
Andy: Oh here, let me help you. (Andy takes the cup of coffee from the man and holds it up to his mouth, holding his other hand under the man’s chin). Now, when I say “drink,” you open your mouth and I’ll dump this coffee in there. Then you’re going to need to swallow.
Troll: …You’re joking righ-
(Andy begins pouring coffe into Troll’s mouth as he’s speaking. The man sputters a bit as the coffee is obviously quite hot. The Troll knocks Andy’s hand away, spilling the coffee everywhere.)
Andy: Aw, you spilled the coffee everywhere!
Troll: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Andy: Well, I’m not sure. But among my many flaws is the fact that I never catch on to rhetoric.
Troll: You practically burned my face off!
Andy: I love that movie.
Troll: Really? I thought it was okay. Not Travolta’s best work. But Cage shines, I’ll give you that.
Andy: Oh really? Because I’d say it’s the other way around. Question: If you had to pick someone’s face to trade with, who would you pick?
Troll: Scott Baio!
Andy: Wow, you didn’t even have to stop and think about that did you?
Troll: Why would I?
Andy: I’m not sure. Probably because you fantasize about him…you know, sexually.
Troll: I keep forgetting you don’t understand rhetoric.
Andy: I don’t understand rhetoric. If I had to change my face, I would change it to a monkey-face. I wouldn’t have to worry about a Halloween costume, and then I could potentially shrink myself and learn to skateboard.
Andy: Well I’m going to be late for work. Good luck with your coffee. If you need imbibition help in the future, please do let me know.
I bet I would’ve easily saved that guy a good 15 blood pressure points. Oh well. Whoever you are troll-man, I hope you didn’t let that coffee ruin your day. Good luck.
Monkey on a skateboard!!! In my pants! Yay!!!!!