I never have a good halloween costume and this year is no exception, except that this year, I do. I’m adding an unconventional twist to a quite trite spectre. I’m going as a vampire. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “God, this post is terrible.” Well, shutup and read on. I mean, I guess you can’t shutup because you’re not actually talking…unless you are, then you’re just crazy. Crazy like a fox. At any rate, hear me out. I’m not going as just any vampire. I’m going as a fat vampire.
You see at first I wanted to go as something utterly stupid. Like a pillow. A box. A bottle of water. Something that people would see and say “that is the dumbest costume ever.” The problem is, it’d actually be pretty hard to do that. Next I decided I was going to just cover my face with red blush, and spritz myself with water and go as “The hottest man alive.” Get it? It’s like a play on words. Am I physically hot? Or am I…physically…hot…what? Well at any rate, I canned that idea.
Then I started to think about vampires because one of my friends said “oh just go as a vampire.” I realized you never see a fat vampire. We’re talking about a creature that sleeps all day and does nothing but eat and live for eternity. I imagine a vampire who was skinny wouldn’t be the norm. Then I thought about the great back story I could provide:
Person: Hey, what the hell are you supposed to be?
Andy: (showing fangs) I’m a fat vampire. Duh.
Person: Why a fat vampire?
Andy: Because I have a slow metabolism.
Andy: Yes. And that causes me to gain weight. I’m also at a high risk for diabetes.
Person: Why don’t you just suck some blood to replace your blood.
Andy: First of all, I eat the blood, I don’t transfuse it into my veins. Also, how could I possibly be fast enough to catch someone to suck their blood? I’m fat.
Person: Can’t you turn into a bat?
Person: So why don-
Andy: A fat bat. Have you ever seen a fat bat? No way I’d even be able to think about lifting off. You don’t know anything about fat vampires do you?
Person: No I don’t.
Andy: Well, you need to go to the library and get a book or something. Noserfatu. And that’s not a typo.
Person: Typo? We’re talking.
Andy: Shut it. Or I will bite you and eat your brains.
Person: That’s a zombie.
Andy: A fat zombie.
Person: I’m leaving.
Andy: Have a nice trip!
Person: But I didn’t tri–
Andy: (puts his leg out and pushes Person so they trip) See ya next fall, jerk!
I know, that dialogue went absolutely nowhere. But anyway. A fat vampire. I hope everyone has a great All Hallow’s Eve. Make sure to have your parents inspect all your candy before you eat it. Now cram it!
I’m going as Bacchus the Roman God of Wine.
Unfortunately, the more I think about it, I’m going to look like Martin in a Toga… where he strums his lyre, and then gets beaten up.
Only I’ll have lots of grapes. Not a lyre. And I’ll have a golden wreath of leaves and ivy to place atop my crown.
Why are all my costumes so goddamn gay?! Every. Fucking. Year. Gay! Gay! Gay!
Sister Mary Lisa says
I love your fat vampire idea. It’d be funny if you carried around a Twinkie with red creme in the middle, or a raspberry jelly-filled donut or something and you can keep sticking your fake fangs into it all night. Nice conversation you listed too.
My husband almost decided to wrap himself in pink cellophane to go as “eye candy.”
Instead now he’s going in regular clothes, only occasionally he’ll pull the hidden string that makes his chest pocket fall down to reveal his naked, hairy breast with silver star-shaped pasty on his nipple. He’s going to be a Wardrobe Malfunction.
Bee – I have no idea why your costume ideas would be so gay. None at all. Just give in and go as one of the village people.
SML – I like eye-candy better. I was thinking I would get a hot dog and maybe squirt some mustard on my shirt. Fat people like hot dogs.
The Brewer Patriot says
I agree that fat people love hot dogs. Squirt ketchup on your shirt though, people could ask, “Oh, is that blood on your shirt because you are a vampire?” “No, it is ketchup. I freaking love hot dogs.”
You will have the security of knowing that no one else in this entire city will have the same costume as you.
Unless, of course, they can’t help but be fat…
(But they are usually the ones staying at home, watching Psycho and eating orange ding dongs. You never see them buying costumes.)
Yes, I am going to hell. Happy Halloween.
You never see fat scene kids, either.
You never see black emo kids, either.