Naturally my first idea of emailing a jerk chicken was that Yahoo! had somehow acquired a particularly rude fowl and were trying to teach it simple internet functions and typing skills. “Amazing!” I thought to myself, “that has got to be one smart bird!” Then I wondered what people would write to a Jerk Chicken, and what exactly a chicken could do that it would be qualified as a jerk?
Look at him. Thinks he’s so cool. What a jerk.
Does he sleep with the hens and not call them back? Does he eat all the corn? Peck at children? Oppress the gays and blacks? I can’t be entirely sure…but of course I can always venture a guess in the form of a preposterous scenario:
(Andy is walking down the street, minding his own business, on his way…somewhere…when all of a sudden he bumps into a chicken…)
Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk!
Andy: Pardon me sir-chicken! I didn’t see you down there. I profusely apologize and hope you have a lovely day.
JC: Why am I here?
Andy: Jesus? Oh I see, there’s some confusion. You see, Jerk Chicken abbreviates to JC. Which happen to be your initials as well.
JC: Ah, I see. Well then, carry-on, I’ll just be on my merry way.
Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk! Bawk bawk!
Andy: Sorry about that sir chicken. Anyway as I was saying, I’m very sorry, now if you’ll ex–
Jerk Chicken: Bawk bawk ba-kawk!
Andy: Well, that’s rude of you to say. And I’m neither gay, nor black! I merely bumped into you by accident. I didn’t mea-
Jerk Chicken: Ba-kawk! Bawk bawk bawk! bawk…….bawk bawk!
Andy: Sir, if you please! There’s no reason to bring mothers into this.
Jerk Chicken: Baawwwwwk! Bawk bawk ba-kawk!
Andy: Well screw you too you stupid bird! I have half a mind to-!
(Jerk Chicken begins pecking at Andy’s feet and legs, and doing that thing where chickens don’t really fly but they kind of try to, and it’s pecking at Andy all the while)
Andy: God! Stop! This doesn’t even hurt it’s just annoying! And you smell like a barn!
Jerk Chicken: *peck*peck*peck* BA-KAWK!
Andy: Ahhh!! This chicken is such a jerk! Someone get this maltempered roost-dweller offa me!
(Tiny Skate Boarding Monkey comes skating around the corner)
Andy: *gasp* TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!
(…and gets hit by a car)
Andy: awwww. DAMN YOU JERK CHICKEN! YOU KILLED TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!
Jerk Chicken: Ba. Kawk.
Andy: You don’t care? Well, one of these days Jerk Chicken, you will get yours…one of these days…
(flash into the future. Andy is at work checking his email when at least he sees an opportunity for revenge)
Andy: Email a Jerk Chicken! FINALLY!
Dear Jerk Chicken,
Remember when you killed the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey? That was terrible. He was only trying to help. Shame on you.
There, that’ll teach that bastard.
Yeah, that would teach that bastard. Stupid Jerk Chicken.