On my walk back from my company lunch today, I had about 4 blocks to cover. I decided I’d stop in and grab a coffee at Starbuck’s once I paid the bill as well, just because it’s Friday.
As I’m walking down the sidewalk I see a man stop next to a large truck. I’m not sure if he was the driver or not, probably not, but he had his hand on the side of it like he was going to open it up.
Next thing I know he’s firing a stream of urine into the puddle collected from this morning’s rainstorm in the gutter on teh street. His back was turned thanks to what I can only imagine was divine intervention:
Pee-er: Man, I have got to go me some pee!
Jesus: Hold on there Full Bladder McGoo.
Jesus: You can’t pee on the street! At least turn around for Dad’s sake! I mean if you want to be seen as an animal I’ll treat you as one, how’s that?
Pee-er: What do you me–
(Jesus grabs a nearby newspaper, rolls it up, and proceeds to hit the man on the nose with it)
Jesus: BAD! BAD! NO! BAD!
Pee-er: AH! Stop! I have to–
Jesus: (in a calm but enraged voice, between clenched teeth) There *smack* are *smack* establishments *smack* all *smack* around *smack* here *smack* that *smack* have *smack* bathrooms! *smack*
Pee-er: You broke my urethra!
Jesus: What a waste of a perfectly good copy of The Village Voice.
I thought to myself, “What kind of a person does this?” And “Who could possibly raise such an ignorant person?”
I then answered mysef, “A disgusting PCP-addicted jerk who most likely doesn’t have a job and steals from babies, grandmas, puppies, and…oh, I don’t know, a church. Choose your denomination or religion of choice and feel free to change the word ‘church’ to ‘temple’ if necessary. As far as who could raise such a person? Here’s a brief list:
In disgust I open the door to Starbuck’s. Upon entering I notice a line. Great. Oh well, I’ll just wait my turn and get my coffee. You know, because that’s what
people1 civilized people do. Not 30 seconds later does Mr. Pee-er McStreets come in and saunter to the front of the line. At this point I think to myself, “alright, he’s probably just going to ask where the bathroom i….oh wait a minute. What’s this excellent example of ‘why birth control is great’ up to now?” So what does he do? He asks for some ice water.
Alright buddy, you just emptied your bladder onto the street and the first thing you can think of is that you can’t wait to get your hands on some ice cold water? Then he asks for something else, I couldn’t tell what. The next thing I know he’s given a capuccino cup with who knows what in it (probably milk or a tiny cup of coffee…or maybe some extra prick-sauce because he was running low) and he takes it and proceeds to dump sugar in it. Next thing you know the barista shouts “ICE WATER” in a tone that says “who the hell comes to Starbucks and asks for ice water?”
I couldn’t believe it. This stupid bastard pees in the street, cuts in front of 7 people in line, pays NOTHING, and is out of Starbuck’s and on his way with his conspicuous bag of…well who knows (the weird thing about 6th Ave and Broadway in the 20’s is that there’s lots of people walking around with opaque blue and black bags).
You know who I was most mad at? Myself. I should’ve shoved that stupid jerk into the truck and said “THERE IS A MCDONALD’S ACROSS THE STREET! I wonder if they have a bathroom?” Or at the very least said something in Starbuck’s. I was furious with myself. Maybe my New Year’s resolution will be to start standing up to jerks who think they can flaunt very basic societal laws like lines and public urination. I mean do people really want New York to turn into some miserable hell-hole like, oh, I dunno, Miami? I sure hope not.
Here are some other things I’m guessing are on this man’s daily agenda:
1. Get all high, laugh at stuff.
2. Poop on street – may or may not follow peeing on street.
3. Camp out for “A Christmas Story” marathon on TBS. Realize it is on TV. Get all high instead.
4. Find dog. Ask it on a date. Feed it a roofie. ’nuff said.
5. Steal dog’s food. Eat half, try and sell other half.
6. Listen to headphones. Wonder where I got these headphones from. Figure out I probably stole them.
7. Jones for some tacos.
8. Cut in line at taco bell. Ask for ice-water. Realize forgot to order tacos – too used to just ordering ice-water.
Anyway, I hope karma catches up to this guy in a bad way. And come next year, watch out if you start blatantly flaunting society’s laws. Because I am not standing for it any more.
1Excluding people who live in Miami