Snorers

I’d apologize for my current lack of posting…and former lack of posting…except that I know no one really cares. In fact, I doubt any of you even noticed because I’m so hilarious and insightful that you can read one of my posts 100 million times and still not be able to fathom all of the intricate intricacies and delicate delicacies. Anyway I’ve been away basically for two weeks doing stuff for work and am getting a bit of a break.

My time in Salt Lake City has been a pretty enjoyable one except for one thing – snoring. You see, I’m a fairly light fall-asleeper. That is if I’m awake and there isn’t some ambient buzz or hum going on, I can’t fall asleep. Dead quiet is no good.

Unfortunately for this trip, my company didn’t have the foresight to book our hotels more than a month in advance so I am having to share a room with my co-worker…who snores. It sounds like he’s at the national flatulence convention giving a speech on donkey farts which he emulates with his sinus cavity.

I hate snorers.

I hate snorers because there is literally nothing they can do. Though I think most causes of snoring have something to do with being overweight, there is no instant fix. If they sleep on their side they always end up turning on their back. Ear plugs don’t help for me. There is nothing circadian or rhythmically consistent with the snore. The volume, the phrasing, the timbre, it’s different and differently jarring with every elephantastic inhalation.

Two nights ago the boss got drunk. And smoked several cigars. We hit the sack around 1, I woke up at 3, tried to get back to sleep until about 4 – then gave up and grabbed my computer to work on my presentation due in a couple days.

But what can a snorer do? Say they’re sorry? They’re not sorry. Being exhausted and not being allowed to go to sleep is nothing you can apologize for. Can they lose 50 lbs over night? No. The bottom line is, they can’t be empathatic at all because they have no idea what it’s like to put up with it. In my experience, people who snore have no problems sleeping in a room with others that snore.

Well screw you jerks, every single one. I’m sick of having to deal with other people’s problems because they refuse to lose weight. If you snore, hit the damn treadmill already – or by a breathe-right strip for God’s sake.