Jack Bauer: . as Tom Cruise: !?

By now you’ve all heard about our new savior, Tom Cruise. I for one am outraged. This is just ludicrous. I mean, just DAYS after I announce our new savior to be Jack Bauer, the “Church” of Scientology comes out with this nonsense.

Obviously L Ron Hubbard and his cowardly band of miscreant good-faith spreading brain-washers saw my blog and simply refused to be outdone. My writings scared them and they needed to strike back – a simple “poopy joke” wouldn’t do. No, things needed to be much more drastic – a message sent to myself, Jack Bauer, and all of our followers. A message that said, “Not only are we willing to do what it takes, but we’re also crazy.”

Yes Scientologists have gone and proved what many of us have been suspicious of for years; they are complete morons. In fact, they have a whole website dedicated to filling you in about Scientology, Dianetics, and even the life and times of L. Ron Hubbard how incredibly stupid they are.

For example, did you know they have something called an E-meter? Here is the blurb about it:

The E-Meter®
pastoral counseling device

The Electropsychometer, or E-Meter measures the mental state or change of state of a person, helping the auditor locate areas of spiritual distress or travail so they can be addressed and handled in a session. The E-Meter does not in itself do anything to a person. It is a highly sensitive instrument that reacts to changes in mental activity.

Now, you’d think they are making up this “E-Meter” and that it would be very convoluded and complex-looking – but you’d be wrong. They actually have a picture of it. It appears to be a clock-radio from Target with two light-saber handles attached to it by stereo RCA cables. I’m guessing the path of yellow-to-red arrows indicates the weening of your body off of TV, Alcohol, tater-tots, graphic cinematic violence, and other God-given luxuries of life.

If you see Tom Cruise, or anyone who looks like they have only a letter for their first name, I urge you to take that moment to become a follower of 24ism. Please shoot them. It can be in the leg, it can be in the arm, just make sure they’re seriously injured and see that in their own way they’re contributing to terrorism in the United States. You can go right back to being a Christian or Hindu or whatever you were, afterwards. Just so long as you do your duty to protect our country, our sanity, and the film industry from the things we take for granted everyday. Because we’re not crazy.