Man’s best friend…man.

The other day I was walking around with Erik and he and I saw this guy walking his dog encounter this woman, also walking her dog. As dogs tend to do, they became incredibly excited at meeting other dogs and each began the ritual of wagging, sniffing, and hopping that we’re all familiar with.

It then occurred to me how hilarious it would be if there were humans that behaved in exactly the same manner – overly enthusiastic about literally everything they do:

(Andy is walking down the street with…fine I’ll give him a name, Ted, they see some people coming their way)

Ted: Oh my God.

Andy: Now Ted, just relax.

Ted: Oh my God!

Andy: Settle down Ted!

Ted: OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!

Andy: Ted! Relax!

Ted: Do you see those people! There’s PEOPLE coming! HERE THEY COME! They’re getting so close!

(Ted is now visibly exciting and starting to hop around a little, Andy is holding him back by his shirt collar)

Andy: Ted! We talked about this! You need to relax! Just calm down!

(Ted begins jumping up and down and waving his hands and arms, he then runs over to the two people and begins shaking their hands and jumping, he has a huge, open-mouthed smile on his face)

Ted: Oh my God! Hi! Hi I’m Ted! What’s your name?!Idon’tcare!Wannabefriends?!Ihopeso!Ilovemakingfriends!OhmyGodthisissoexciting!

Andy: Uh, I’m really sorry he just get’s really excited when he sees other people.

Ted: (shaking his ass furiously and doing a tremendous job of invading personal space) You smell great!! Is that cool water? WOW! You are AWESOME! I LOVE YOU! SO SO MUCH! I’m glad we’re friends now. We’re friends right?! Oh this is terrific!

Andy: (grabbing Ted’s arm and pulling him away) Alright, come on. Back to the apartment, let’s go.

Ted: OH BUT MY FRIENDS!! I don’t want to leave now! I just met some new friends! BYEBYE! BYE! SEE YOU SOON! Oh my gosh! Bye! Bye!!! (as he is being dragged away he continues to turn his head and look back every 3 seconds to see if his new friends are still there).

Andy: Alright Ted, they’re gone.

Ted: (quickly forgetting) Who’s gone? Hey! Let’s get some pie!

Of course that’s not the only scenario that would prove hilarious. If you happen to be getting dinner of have food of any sort and, say, get up to leave to go to the bathroom and set your food down – your friend would quickly consume as much of it as possible in your abscence. Then when you got back you’d be really upset: “Hey where’d my food go! Damnit Ted!” And Ted would just be standing there, smiling at you. And then as you get more food for yourself out of the fridge and sit down to eat it, Ted would just kind of loom near you wide-eyed with a voracious look and say:

“Man, that looks really, really good. Wow. I mean delicious. I can smell it. I can smell how good it tastes. Does it taste good? I bet it does. Man. I would love to just have the littlest bit of that.”

He’d continue this way until you gave him the tiniest bit of food which he’d swallow without tasting and then continue to harass you.

Then, a few hours later Ted would start to not look so good:

(Ted is just kind of sitting next to Andy and as Andy turns to him, Ted looks at him and looks downright miserable)

Andy: Ted is something wrong?

Ted: (silent, but still looking – makes a heaving motion)

Andy: Oh no. Ted! Ted are you alright?

Ted: (continues to stare, makes another heaving motion and shakes his head)

Andy: Alright, well get up and get to the bathroom! Let’s go! (Andy grabs Ted’s arm)

Ted: (goes somewhat reluctantly)

Andy: Alright almost the—

Ted: (Barfs up whatever he ate earlier)

Andy: *sigh*

Ted: Oh man I feel so much better! Hey you wanna go outside or something? Man I felt bad but now I feel good! Alright! (pumps fist in the air)

Andy: Damnit Ted! You coudln’t make it another 3 feet?

Ted: *shrugs* You win some you lose some…Let’s get some pie!

And let’s not forget some other endearing traits – like the hoarding and hiding of your socks. You’d come home and find stuff crammed under sofa cushions or stuffed under a mound of blankets:

Andy: Hey Ted have you seen my other sock?

Ted: …no.

Andy: Teeeeedd?

Ted: Hahaha! No! (Ted seems to get more excited and happy as Andy gets closer to wherever he’s crammed the missing sock)

Andy: (checking under the sofa) Here it is!

Ted: (very excited and happy) Hahahahahaha! YOU FOUND IT! Oh man! I was saving that, it just smelled so good! It remind me of you! That’s the best part! I figured I’d try and save it! But you found it! I rolled around on it a little so I could cover myself with its essence! Isn’t that great?

Andy: ….that’s really weird Ted.

Ted: Hahahahah! Let’s get some pie!

Naturally this would be entirely frustrating but all in all I think a friend with a dog’s mentality would ultimately endear himself to you. After all you’d have someone who always wanted to hang out and do whatever it is you wanted to do and who just thought that you are the bee’s knees. Alright, I’m off to get some pie.