In defense of John Appleseed.

I guess if you’re retarded I can see why you wouldn’t like the iPhone. Your dislike probably also stems from the fact that you’ve never used a mac for more than a day (“how do I get to internet on here?”) and that you love your Motorola Q which you paid $300 for when it came out and it’s got…all these…buttons…I love buttons! I have to have buttons!

Erik pointed me to this particular website in which the author outlines 17 reasons why the iPhone sucks…yes, I’m aware the web address says “15” but, honestly, does that surprise you?

Dear asshole. Read more.

The iPhone comes out in about 5 minutes and this jerk’s reasons are based largely on speculation and what other people have read and said. He is going to look back at his shitty list in about 2 weeks and realize what a jackass he was, and that he should religiously check Engadget Mobile to get his facts straight. So then, refuting your claims…

1. At $599, it is ridiculously expensive. (Add in the cost of an AT&T contract and you get close to $1500)

*sigh* is it REALLY “ridiculously” expensive? We’re talking about a video iPod here that is also a phone and an internet browser. If you were to buy a new video iPod, it would cost you $250. If you were to buy a top-of-the-line brand-new-blackberry, it would cost you around $300. So I guess the $50 difference for this asshole is what breaks the bank. Then he adds in the 2-year annual contract of AT&T.

Dude, if you haven’t figured out how to get out of a phone contract without paying a fee, you truly are a moron. Secondly, you have to pay monthly money ANYWAY no matter WHAT PHONE SERVICE and no matter WHAT PHONE you have. Moving along.

2. Those who want to buy one must sell their soul to evil mega-corporation AT&T.

Why is a corporation that has the coolest, most advanced phone in the US (and, arguably in the world) evil? What part of my soul am I selling? Here’s the problem brosef. You know how when you take out your Verizon phone and, unless it’s WinMo, you have the same shitty interface as every other Verizon customer? And you know how you can’t receive files via bluetooth on it? And you know how you can’t get ringtones unless you buy them from Verizon’s online store? And you know how they disable a bunch of other useful features so you have to pay to use their built-in service? That’s what I call evil. And WinMo isn’t much better as far as feature-rich software. I can’t wait to see Verizon’s “iPhone Killer” when it comes out. I imagine it will go the way of the Zune, only faster, and stupider if possible.

On AT&T I can buy any damn phone I want and do whatever the hell I want and use every single feature in it. Not to mention my monthly iPhone plan cost will only be $5 more per month than what I pay now, only it’ll have unlimited data transfer and text messaging too. Stuff it.

3. Japan already has technologically superior phones, and they’re far cheaper.

Uh, no they don’t. They have knock-offs that don’t work. Again, Engadget.

4. Slower internet than the commercials show: “The data experience is going to be very slow. If you’re on a cellular network, [using the Internet] is going to be very slow.”

Oh you simple-minded horse-masturbater. Again, if you’d read Engadget you’d know that today as AT&T users were hookin’ up their browsers to the web, they were noticing consistently faster EDGE data speeds. Up to 200kb/sec +. Guess how fast 3G is? Awww.

5. Initial reports indicate that YouTube is slow and crappy using cellular network internet. It’s nothing like in the commercials.

Alright, even if YouTube DOES turn out to be slow (which it won’t), do you REALLY like YouTube that much? It really seems like you’re just fishing for things to add to your useless list at this point…or you love to watch teenage asian boys lip synch – I don’t know, I don’t know which it is.

6. You cannot remove its battery. Thanks for replicating one of the biggest complaints about the ipod, Apple!

So you take out your current phone battery now and do what with it exactly?

7. The glass touch screen of the iPhone guarantees that thousands of customers who drop their phones will have cracked screens.

I hate to tell you, but if you drop a phone with a plastic screen, that’ll crack too. The glass is also less along the lines of the beaker you were kept in as an embryo, and more along the lines of Pyrex.

8. The touchscreen keyboard sucks, according to those who have used the phone.

Apparently you DO read Engadget. But apparently you didn’t watch the keyboard video on Apple. You only have to type with one finger for the first week. Then, after the keyboard LEARNS HOW YOU TYPE, it ADJUSTS ITSELF to make typing incredibly fast and easy with two thumbs. And by the way, the only person who has used the phone for one week so far is Steve Jobs. So I’m not sure why you’d even consider this information.

9. It can’t send MMS picture messages.

Yes it can.

10. It has no built-in sync with Outlook that is as secure as a RIM BlackBerry or Windows Mobile.

Yes it does.

11. It lacks proper support for Flash websites. So much for the internet.

Guess you’ll have to check out strong bad at home. Rather than BROWSE THE INTERNET FOR HOURS ON A 3.5″ SCREEN. Idiot.

12. It can’t record video.

Prove it.

13. No instant messaging.

iChat anyone?

14. It can’t connect to corporate e-mail networks, so don’t see it replacing your BlackBerry any time soon.

Yes it can.

15. No songs as ringtones.

I’m sure Fergie is crushed you can’t show your support for her 24/7. But again, prove it.

16. No GPS.

Yeah but, you never go anywhere – except into your closet to cry when you get a Blue Screen or try to do something remotely cool on WinMo. So, you go find me another phone in the US that has GPS. Oh it’s on Sprint? Right.

17. It creates incredibly annoying iPhone fanboys.

And thank God for us. Because if we weren’t out there standing up for John Appleseed against illiterate posers who don’t check their sources who haven’t even used the thing and just plain hate Apple stuff just because it’s apple, no one would be here to point out how stupid, wrong, and ugly you are (I’m guessing on that last one but I’m willing to bet I’m right – I bet you’re fat too).