A night of television.

Last night I was doing my laundry, typing grotesquely long emails to say farewell to some crazy kids I know, and generally being productive. Naturally during this time I had my television on and, though I’m not usually a big TV person, it’s fall and some great shows are starting up. Last night I had the chance to watch Kid Nation, Kitchen Nightmares, and Last Comic Standing (which is actually ending, thank God).

Here then, is a review of each show…

Kid Nation: If I wanted to watch a bunch of little kids do chores for an hour and then cry about it, I’d get married. That’s really all there is to say about this show. There is screaming, fighting, crying, and chores. It is utterly retarded. A lot of people were up in arms about this program – “how can you do that to little kids!” “They’re so little!” “They’re just kids!” “Oh those kids are SO LITTLE!”

Hey, idiots. They are doing the exact same things they do at home, they just don’t have their parents around and, for some reason, are given a chance to drink a lot of root beer. In case you haven’t seen it, yes, there is a saloon in their “town,” and it serves root beer and other sugary drinks. Other things in town? A dry goods store, a kitchen, a bunch of port-o-potties, and a single room with a telephone that you can only go into if given the key.

So CBS, how do you jazz up this show and make it entertaining? Well, in the first episode one girl went into the dry goods store and saw an old bike for sale for $3. She immediately went out into the street to dance for nickels. Take this idea and run with it. Not only should there be a town brothel, where kids can whore themselves for nickels to buy more delicious root beer, but there should also be a single revolver in the dry goods store, with 6 bullets. The revolver should cost $10 so no nickel-dancing flapper can easily raise the cash to buy it.

Then we’d see the kid who got the revolver rule that town with an iron first. I bet he wouldn’t even have to fire a single shot – he probably would at some point though, which is what makes it entertaining.

Last Comic Standing:

I can’t imagine that all of America really thinks these people are funny, and then spends money to text-message vote for them. I saw Amy Schuler at Comedy Cellar a while back, and while she wasn’t my favorite, she was decent. Obviously she was voted off weeks ago and the remaining rabble are left to duke it out like to retarded kids fighting over a puddin’ pop.

There are two guys left – a dude from North Carolina who makes redneck jokes, and a fat guy from St. Louis who makes fat jokes. Last night I thought to myself, “these two couldn’t possibly come up with yet more material based on being a redneck and being fat.” Yet they did it. Night in, and night out. That’s all they talk about. Being a redneck or being fat. Wow. Comedic genius. Rednecks like to drink? Hilarious! Fat people can’t buckle seatbelts over themselves? Outrageously preposterously funny!

“But Andy, that means you’ve watched the show more than once, why would you do that?”

Because it actually is pretty funny. By that I mean the comedians are so incredibly not funny, that when they pan to the audience they always catch row fulls of people resting their hands on their chin perplexed, yawning, golf-clapping, or checking their watch. Then they have to cut away from those people real fast and show the friends and relatives of the current comedian who are stupidly whooping and hollering for a joke they’ve most likely heard a thousand times already.

Kitchen Nightmares:

I love this show. Chef Gordon Ramsey is the Jack Bauer of cooking. He basically spent an entire episode belittling a brainless, cocky italian-meathead and telling him his restaurant was better off without him there. This is exactly the kind of guy I would like to be someday. Getting paid to tell people what idiots they are and how stupid they’re being, and then having them thank you afterwards and apologize for being such stupid idiots.

All in all it was a fun night. I plan to tune into Kitchen Nightmares next week, and I am currently writing my letter to CBS about that revolver idea. Because honestly, it’s not like the REAL old west without guns, outlaws, and the bodies of innocent children strewn all over the street.