The sexiest interview. Ever. Period.

Recently I came across an interview that made me think, “this is retarded and self-important, I’m jealous!” But you know what it wasn’t? Funny. Do you know what those bloggers aren’t? Funny. Guess what. I am hilarious. So rather than sit around and wait for people to come and interview me and ask me how I got so hilarious and important, I figured I would interview myself.

MeQ: Let’s get right down to business.

MeA: But I hate business.

MeQ: No I mean, I’m going to start asking me questions now.

MeA: Oh ok. You meant “business” phonetically.

MeQ: No, no I think you mean figuratively.

MeA: No I meant phonetically.

MeQ: …

MeA: …

MeQ: …ok, first question. When did you first know that you were a hilarious genius?

MeA: Sorry, I don’t meant to correct you early but, “are” a hilarious genius. I guess I first figured it out when I sat down at the computer to write. It was years ago, before even White Dade. Who has quit. I’m like the iron man of blogging. My pecs are made of titanium. Anyway, I wrote a few words down and thought myself: “self, you are hilarious! Your writings will become important and influential.”

MeQ: Interesting. So it wasn’t until you read what you wrote that you knew? People didn’t find you funny earlier?

MeA: Oh heavens yes. But that was more like funny “ha-ha” and this was more like funny “ha-he.” Which is different. You probably wouldn’t know because you’re part of the idiot populous, rather than a savvy, 2 and 3 quarter’s year veteran of amateur literary comedic stylings, like myself.

MeQ: Ah, excellent! Does self-importance come in handy when blogging?

MeA: No. Absolutely not. You have to be totally humble. When I sit down and realize all the thousands, perhaps even millions, of people who read my blog and then discuss it in their pathetic everyday lives – you can’t be arrogant. You have to realize what a profound effect your writings and thoughts will have on the nation, and the world.

MeQ: But can’t “just anyone” start writing a blog? All you have to do is sign up.

MeA: Yes. But their Technorati rating, which dictates how worthwhile your entire life is, will be miniscule. I mean, if my rating dropped lower, I’d slit my wrists. Phonetically speaking of course.

MeQ: Of course. How do you get such tremendously funny and insightful ideas for blogs?

MeA: When I sit down to blog I have a little ritual to get my creative juices flowing. First I take 3 very deep breaths to center myself. I follow this with an imagery technique, lengthening my neck so my shoulders are relaxed. Then I snort an Emergen-C packet and quickly jerk-off into a small cup of cranberry juice. I gratify myself so I can gratify others. It’s cyclic. Like a cycle, or a circle even.

MeQ: Incredible! Learning your creative process…it gives me such insight into my own retarded life! Almost like…almost like I can give myself a reason to not do something because I’m too busy researching what others are doing! Now let’s go over some of your really great original works. Can you name a few?

MeA: Oh my goodness, there are SO so so so so so so so sew-

MeQ: Sew?

MeA: Oops! Typo, we all make mistakes…except me.

MeQ: How can there be a typo, this is a conversation?

MeA: As I was saying, there are so many. Let’s see. Waiting for the subway, things that annoy new yorkers, what makes you a new yorker, slow people on sidewalks. I mean, the list goes on and on.

MeQ: But don’t a lot of bloggers write about those things?

MeA: Yes but my take is so much more original. It’s not the idea that has to be creative, it’s the pictures you put NEXT to the idea. And my Technorati rating is higher. Did I say Technorati enough yet? Probably not.

MeQ: So-

MeA: Technorati!

MeQ: Uh, right. Technorati. Let’s talk about Gawker.

MeA: Are we going to talk about me some more afterwards?

MeQ: Well, yes. I was going to ask your opinion on Gawker.

MeA: Oh! I like giving my opinion, okay. Gawker is great. I remember the first time they linked me and I totally got like 17 million hits that day. My GoogleAds revenue brought in like $35 bucks that quarter. It was incredible. Gawker makes you or breaks you.

MeQ: I see. And why is that?

MeA: It connects you to a much larger audience. All the people who aren’t smart or interesting or funny enough to follow their own dreams get to come to your site, read your ideas, and then be inspired to give you compliments in the comments section.

MeQ: Don’t commenters sometime say derogatory things?

MeA: Yes, they do. But then other commenters stick up for you. Or you can back-pedal about what you said, too. That’s one of my favorite things to do.

MeQ: Are there any random asides or useless back-story elements about your life you’d like to interject at this point?

MeA: Well when I was a kid, I used to really love pretending to be a ninja. And one time I was running around, jump kicking everything in sight: lamps, doors, center pieces – you get the idea. So my mom said “you need to stop jump-kicking things, and jump-kick yourself into your room to do your homework!” Well, I never did my homework, but that night I started writing in a journal…and even though my ridiculously good sense of humor and wit took a few years to develop, well, that journal entry helped me to realize what a huge force I’d be later in life…I mean. I didn’t realize it then. I realized it just now. But if I hadn’t done that then then I wouldn’t have realized it now. So…still important.

MeQ: So you were a literary ninja!

MeA: Indeed friend!

MeQ: How irrelevant! Moving along I have just one last question – do you have any advice for anyone writing a blog?

MeA: I mean, blog-writing…not just anyone can do it, you have to be incredibly smart, witty, and original.

MeQ: But…anyone can sign up and just start writing a blog.

MeA: Well yeah but I mean…you have to put up a lot of links to other blogs that you don’t read…and comment on them and stuff so people come to your site…it’s hard work.

MeQ: It’s hard work?

MeA: Well…it’s not hard work, per se. I just don’t want anyone getting the idea that you can just write whatever mindless bullshit you want and people will flock to it. You have to write mindless bullshit opinions about other people’s ideas in their comments too. It’s like a movie-trailer for your blog…only…stupider.

MeQ: I see. Well this has all been very informative Andy.

MeA: Thank you Andy. It was my pleasure – but no doubt, it was much more to your pleasure and all of my readers’ pleasure than it was to my own. But I still enjoyed it and I can’t wait to read it over 5 times in the next couple days to see how smart I am and check for any comment updates.

MeQ: I’m sorry we couldn’t quite get the full 15 pages of questions you had asked for.

MeA: That’s okay. My Technorati rating will still be sky-high.