Kudos Andy Roddick. After being constantly compared to you my entire life and shocking random tennis fans when they ask “what’s your name?” and I say “Andy,” you have finally pushed me far enough over the edge that I want to kill myself.
It’s bad enough that your bad imitation of my devastating good looks allowed you to bag the likes of Mandy Moore and Maria Sharapova, but now, you lousy Lykens knock-off, you’ve gone and married Sports Illustrated model Brooklyn Decker.
You make me sick. Stop using your imitation Andy looks (all puns intended, hey-o!) to steal away all my ladies. Go be terrible at tennis some more instead.