What would Jack do?
Thursday, January 18th, 2007I’m not typically one to go off the deep end with zainy ideas and crazy scenarios…oh…right. Well then, who better suited to write this post than myself: Andrew P. Lykens. The “P” stands for “crazy”!
The dawn of man came and went and throughout our history we have fought many wars, lived through many successful times, peaceful times, low times, high times, signs of the times, times tables, and the New York Times. Three big religions have been around for ages and while not everyone believes one thing, it seems most everyone believes something and those who don’t are persecuted harshly for being “non-believers” or “men of science” or “huge nerds.”
Naturally when one thinks of religion one thinks of Jesus and when one thinks of Jesus one thinks of saviors and when one thinks of saviors, one thinks of Jack Bauer…Jack Bauer and gunshot wounds to the leg. This led me to wonder what it would be like if Jesus and Jack Bauer were to have some sort of anachronistic old-west showdown. Modern weaponry and modern rules in a real cowboy fashion - Jesus and Jack going at it, guns blazing.
The obvious choice of victor is Jesus. But then I started to think about Jack and his skill sets, and how he’d fare. Quite honestly, I think it would be the most fair fight of all time. It’d be a struggle with hundreds getting killed in the fray, but Jack and Jesus at a standoff because neither will die (Jesus because he’s a deity and Jack because of sheer will-power) and neither will give in. If one of them chooses to give in, no doubt the other wouldn’t take his life due to the strict sense of honor both characters posess.
Then I got to thinking about the similarities between Jesus and Jack and after some brain-storming have come up with a brief list to compare the two and then rated each feat on a scale of 1-24:
VS. 
Jesus:
- Turned water into wine, Rating - 15: While this is indeed a cool skill, it is only slightly above average because all it means is that Jesus will get you hammered for free. This skill is also accomplished by my friend Colin who works as a night club manager in State College, at “Players.” Skill also leads to sick friends, making out with ugly chicks, and gaining weight. All serious drawbacks.
- Died and rose from the dead, Rating - 20: An astounding feat, no doubt. However, due to Jesus’ close relation with God it loses a few points as it raises suspicion that the act was largely due to extreme nepotism.
- Turned a few loaves of bread and some fish into enough to feed thousands, Rating 17: Slightly better than drinking for free, and better for you. However, meals would be limited to some variation of fish and bread. Best possible scenario - Filet o’ Fish - without the mayo and lettuce.
- Helped blind men see, Rating - 10: Below average skill as helping blind people see detracts greatly from hilarity value of those guys with the canes thwacking random people wherever they go. Also, can’t rearrange furniture to play joke on blindies. I’d be worried about being sensitive to this audience, but they’ll never read this! Ha!
- Helped lame beggars walk, Rating - 1: Why would you help a lame beggar walk? It is this author’s opinion that if any beggars should be helped at all, you should only help the cool beggars. Christ, what were you thinking?
- Overturned tables in the temple when being used as a brothel/black market, Rating - 3: The only reason this feat merits any points more than 1 is because it is somewhat violent. Anyone with two arms or legs can overturn a table or two.
Jack Bauer
- Withstood knife carvings, electrocutions, and injections without confessing, Rating - 15: The reason for this high rating is the “without confessing” part. Jesus has also withstood torture (crucifiction) but kept on calling on his dad for help and now many of his followers have to confess on a weekly basis, potentially revealing highly top-secret information.
- Finger-breaking, Rating 20: Jesus broke bread with his would-be enemies. Jack breaks fingers. Far more effective. Typically, assailants are less intimidated by someone who pulls apart a loaf of rye (unless they are made of wheat) versus someone who slowly and deliberately snaps their digits like a bowl of freshly poured rice krispies.
- Ate a man, Rating 21: Did this while strapped to a chair with shackles on. Doesn’t make him a cannibal because he ate only enough to kill someone and not enough to spoil his appetite, making him both polite and effective.
- Responds proactively when subject to betrayal, Rating 19: Another similiarity between Jack and Jesus is betrayal. However, Jesus was killed after he had been betrayed. Jack continues to live. Also, Jack has been betrayed more than once. Also people that betray Jack tend to to be seriously injured or dead afterwards.
- Sawed off a guy’s head, Rating 23: Unlike Jesus in every way, this trait is tell-tale of Jack’s ballsiness. He actually sawed off someone’s head to prove he was worthy of a crime organization…only to infiltrate the organization and kick it’s ass. Jesus doesn’t saw people’s heads off - maybe if he did, there’d be a few less heathens in the world.
- Died and came back to life, Rating - 24: Did this without the help of God…twice.
So what’s the next step in all of this? Why, to start a religion of course. 24ism is what I’m calling it, and here are the guidlines.
The interior of the church will look like the command center of CTU - complete with computer terminals, tall plastic walls, an interrogation room, and a guy named “Johnson” who is occasionally called in to adminster doses of…things from syringes when people aren’t cooperating. Also, high on the main wall, there will be a large, yellow-clock, constantly counting the hours of the day going “Boop…beep….boop….beep.”
The bible for the church will be the CTU handbook, but, since the church is a following of Jack Bauer, it will be often contradicted in action and policy. In fact, the bible will be largely ignored by the membership and in it’s place will be an unwritten code of vigilantism. Of course, members of the church pointing out others going against the bible will be exposing themselves to the possibility that they are, in fact, terrorists and not true followers of Jack Bauer….so…you know….drama!
Tithings will be given in the form of random body parts from actual terrorists. The church will tout this as being an excellent way to fight terror on the homefront, however they expect some criticism from the public as they have no way of actually telling whether or not someone was a terrorist before their decapitation/dismemberment. They’re merely counting on the congregation to tell the truth - because that’s what Jack would do.
The pledge of allegiance will be used instead of prayers, people will carry guns instead of crosses, and in lieu of Sunday school, children will be sent to “safety.” Safety will be defined as any room with a lock and a table to hide under or cabinet or closet to hide behind or in. Simliarly, all hyms will be replaced with patriotic songs.
Confirmation will be replaced - rather than people being dunked in or doused with water, they will instead be shot in the leg…and then left in the jungle to die. Only when they return alive, in better shape than when they left, and with the head of a terrorist, clutched by the hair and brandished above their head, will they be admitted into the church as a member.
Finally, Christmas will be replaced by whichever day in January the 24 premiere first aired. Believers will give each other small packages, but rather than gifts, they will contain bombs that have to be diffused or a radius of 1.2 miles, which, depending on the wind, could spread radiation miles in any direction, causing the death of at least 100,000 people.
I urge you all to go out and shoot people in the leg to spread the good word of Jack. 24ism will sweep the nation as “the world’s bad-ass religion comprised of lethal, terrorist-killing machines!” Go, and may the power of Bauer fill your heart, mind, and trigger-finger.
