This post is for all the tourists that like to come to New York. First off I’d like to state that yes, you are a tourist even if:
a) You live in New Jersey “close to the city*”
b) You live on Long Island
c) You come here all the time
d) You think you’re not.
e) Queenies and Brooklynites you get a break on this one – but damnit, I’m watching you.
Alright, let’s get started.
1. You are slow. Even if you think you’re not, trust me you are. People who live in Manhattan walk at warp speed unless they are crippled. Even then they’re probably faster than you.
2. Do NOT hold hands. It doesn’t work. You’re going to have to keep linking and unlinking and that’s just annoying for everyone. If you’d like to show affection for the person you’re walking with, wear a shirt that says “See that slow person behind me? I love him/her.”
3. Do NOT just stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This is akin to slamming on your brakes in the middle of a highway. If you need to stop, pull over and make sure you’re out of everyone’s way.
4. When crossing the street, if the hand is flashing – GO! If the hand has just stopped flashing, you have 5 seconds, GO! If the white man is there, GO! The only reason you shouldn’t cross the street, is if a car is coming – or if you’re dead.
5. Yes, I know the store fronts are pretty, but if you see something you like in a window, just go the hell in the store. Don’t stop to stare in the middle of the sidewalk and tell your baby daddy how nice it is.
6. When you inevitably don’t follow one of these rules, don’t get mad if you get pushed aside, sworn at, or run into. You don’t have the right.
7. Avoid coming to the city if you’re fat – you’re just gonna have to walk a lot anyway. And let’s face it, you didn’t get fat by having a strong love of walking or getting places quickly.
8. If you need help getting somewhere, sure ask – but if you say “excuse me, sir” or something of that nature, we’re going to think you’re a bum or pan-handler. Just say “Where is X?” This is especially true if we are walking by you – your best bet is to ask someone standing still.
9. People standing still do not live in New York.
10. Your child’s welfare does not concern me so keep your kid in the stroller or carry it… and if your tiny dog’s leash gets wrapped around my ankles, I will punt it into traffic.**
*Okay, okay, if you work here you’re probably in the clear…then again, you probably don’t come to the city when you don’t have to anyway.
**I just really hate tiny dogs – even if you’ve lived here your whole life, keep it away from me. No it doesn’t look cute. No it doesn’t need boots. And yes, you need to train the damn thing to walk properly. Even Franklin can walk properly.