I was walking to work this morning and it was standard post-subway work-walk stuff: Hot girls inevitably going into Starbucks and the pleasure of fresh, cool air (compared to the subway which I can only describe as like being in some horrible Trash Sauna).
As I finished crossing the street an old man steps in front of me and then walks past. Naturally I was surprised to find he was pulling along one of those wheely suitcases. I stop on a dime as he continues on his old-man way. Slightly outraged, I grumbled my way into Starbucks and dreamed up this little situation:
(Andy has just exited the subway on 32nd St and is just about to cross the street when, similarly to the old-man situation, a passerby with a wheely-bag interrupts his stride)
Andy: Jesus! Watch where you’re going!
Devil: Um, I’m the Devil.
Andy: I mean you couldn’t just wear a backpa- wait. What?
Devil: I’m the Devil. You called me Jesus.
Andy: Heeere we go…
Devil: Oh, hi Jesus. What’s up?
Jesus: Oh you know. Another day another dollar. Lime Bars are selling today like they’re goin’ outta style! Shit yes!
Andy: Hey Jesus, would you mind telling the devil to stop using a damn wheely bag? It’s really annoying
Devil: No one cuts me a break these days.
Jesus: Dude, I was f-ing crucified by my own followers. At least your followers only kill barnyard animals. Why don’t you just buy a freakin’ backpack?
Devil: I can use whatever I want!
Andy: Those wheely bags are so stupid. They just get in everyone’s way, and the handles are to short anyway so you have to bend over to use them.
Devil: Well Jesus stands here selling his damn Lime Bars out of that big cart!
Andy: Yeah but, they’re delicious.
Jesus: Right on my man. Also I’m Jesus. No one gets mad at me. Watch this.
(Jesus slaps an old woman right in the face)
Old Woman: Praise the Heavens!
Devil: Ugh. I hate you Jesus.
Jesus: Alright bitches. I gotsta peace out. Catch ya on the flip!
Devil: Wait! I’ll take a lime bar – Andy you want one?
Devil: Two, two lime bars.
Jesus: 8 dollars please.
Devil: What a freakin’ gyp – here.
Jesus: Pleasure doing business, suckers! Alright, time to bounce.
Andy: (together with the Devil) Bye Jesus.
Unless you can turn water into wine, I highly suggest you go buy a backpack. Do you really want the delay of hundreds of commuters and the broken hips of thousands of befallen old people on your head? I didn’t think so.