In my ever continuing quest to bring down all things I deem musically deficient I’ve found, perhaps, the most hilarious thing I have ever read. Yes, apparently the musically gifted Paris Hilton is moved to tears by her own music – that’s how good it is:
“I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.”
Really? Because I, like, jam forks into my ears just to try and ease the pain of hearing even a fragment of this “song.” I mean sure, I cry too, but when I cry it’s for the souls of the one thousand puppies whose souls are eaten by Paris Hilton in order to fuel her massive ego and self delusions of talent.
Then Paris goes on to describe typical crowd reaction to the song:
“People go crazy. They love it. Everyone’s like, ‘Who is this?’ I don’t tell. Because I don’t want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it. I think when people don’t know it’s me, they won’t judge it. But if they know it’s me, then they’ll be like, ‘Ugh.’ They won’t even dance.”
Yeah…right. The reason no one knows who it is lies in the fact that the “vocal” is so over auto-tuned that the voice could be the same one as the one on my computer that tells the time every hour. And she needn’t to worry about people recording it on their phone. I can’t even think of a stupid person that would want this as a ring tone…well, except maybe for Paris. But even then, that’d just mean she’s breaking out in tears every time her phone rings. And there’s nothing more embarassing than constantly breaking out in tears…oh wait.
Sometimes I wish I were rich and powerful solely for the fact that I would have the access and be important enough that I’d get to meet celebrities and tell them how stupid and terrible they are:
Andy: Hello, Paris Hilton?
Andy: This is Andy. I really like your new single.
Andy: No. HAHAHAAHAHAHA. But seriously, I do.
Paris: Oh, I thought you were serious th-
Andy: PSYCHE! Honestly it is the biggest piece of garbage I’ve ever heard. But you might be able to go on tour with Kevin Federline. You two deserve each other. Pee in any Taxis lately?
Paris: Well, like, I totally peed on an upper-middleclass person the other day. Because he wasn’t as rich as me.
Andy: Your dad’s hotels suck.
Paris: Your blog sucks.
Andy: My blog is awesome and hilarious.
Paris: Touche Andy, Touche.
Andy: Right. Well, I’d love to stay and chat but (doing obi-wan kenobi voice) you have to go kill yourself now.
Paris: I have to go kill myself now.
Andy: G’bye Paris…FOREVER!
K Fed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I’m officially the worst “musician” ever!
Did I mention I really want to have Jedi Powers too? No? Oh. Well I do.