If youâ€™ve talked to me about my blog before, chances are I’ve mentioned that no one reads it or comments or that I don’t even really consider myself a blogger because I don’t talk about “this person did that to me” or “you know what really pisses me off1?” or “my life is in turmoil and my thighs are too big” or “why doesn’t she love me like I love her?” or “do you know what my favorite kind of peanut butter is?”…alright the peanut butter one I’d probably write about2 but you get my drift. My theory is that because my ideas are so typically inane and ridiculous that no one wants to read them because there is no way to identify with them. I am perfectly okay with this.
While looking for other things to do at work besides work and having run out of blogs to read and extricated as much information as I possibly could from sitemeter, I started poking around Technorati. This may be my eventual downfall. The ‘rati is a pretty cool little site and for those of you who don’t know, it gives you a rank and tells you how many other blogs link to your blog, and also how many blogs link to the blogs that link to you.
All the blogs on the right are sites that I read everyday. The list grows as I find myself going to a site more than once every couple of weeks, or if there’s a particularly good post, then I’ll add them out of principal. It’s my way of saying “you wrote a good post, here’s a cookie!” only I don’t give out cookies and I donâ€™t actually talk to indicate respect. I keep the cookies. And eat them. And I wash it down with respect. I’ll also link to anyone who links to me (which is standard practice for pretty much everyone…. except for Alice, who apparently links to no one3. )
As embarrassing as it is I will now share with you my Technorati rating and link number so you can all laugh at me and say “Wow, you really are the only person who thinks you’re funny. The title of your blog is so relevant now! I finally get it! But I still donâ€™t find you relevant…or funny. In fact, this, if anything, has lessened my opinion of you such that if I saw you on the street, I would pound you into it.”
You know that weird guy in high school who seemed nice but no one really talked to because he just wasn’t cool enough? That’s the kind of status I feel my Technorati rating gives me. I get invited to limited blogger happy hours due to this low rating and poor link-factor, then when I go, people say “oh, do you have a blog?” and I say “yes, yes I do. It’s ‘Well at least I think I’m funny.'” and they say “oh…that’s nice.” and then quickly look for a more famous blogger to talk to4 after a quick pat on my head for encouragement.
The point of all this isn’t to complain or to seek out pity links and comments (though they’re gladly accepted), but more to say that wouldn’t it be funny if people started to take their technorati ratings really seriously and begin basing their lives and the majority of the conversations on this nerdy claim-to-fame:
(It’s happy hour and many famous bloggers have gathered together to drink and socialize)
Famous Blogger: (enters, wearing a shirt that says “Technorati Top 50, bitch.”)
What’s up bitches? Cast your eyes upon my kicky shirt.
Famous Blogger 2: Oh wow. I’m only top 100 (indicating her shirt). Man I’m so jealous!
FB: Yeah I knew you would be. So ladies, who wants to makeout so I can write about it in my blog tomorrow?
Random Hot Girls: OOOHHH!! Please, please, pick me! Pick me!
FB 2: Man, that is sweet. I hope to crack the top 50 someday. I mean, people buy me drinks a lot and I sign a few autographs here and there, but I can’t command the attention in a room that you do…wait a minute…who’s…who’s that?
FB: Who’s who?
FB 2: That, over there – look!
Famous Blogger 3: Hey bitches. Technorati numero uno here. Yeah. That’s right. (FB 3 has gone so far as to tattoo this rating into his forehead) I’ve written more entries about how miserable my life is and how much I hate the idiosynchrosies of others than anyone. And I swear…a lot. Because its hilarious. Tits. See? I just did it. Just then. But I took it kind of easy on you. Youâ€™re lucky. Iâ€™m so snide, its awesome.
FB: Oh damn. This guy ALWAYS ruins ma nerd-fame style!
FB 2: I hope he doesnâ€™t drop the F bomb! Itâ€™s just so gutsy, creative, and powerful.
(several women leave FB and immediately begin carressing FB 3 as he simply stands with his hands out, gazing up into the ceiling – as if somehow he’ll be levitating a few inches off the ground to the tune of an angelic chorus any minute now)
Andy: Hey guys, is this where the blogger happy hour is?
FB: Yes, are you a blogger?
Andy: Well, yeah I am. But I â€“
FB 3: Whatâ€™s your technorati rating?
Andy: Oh, well Iâ€™ve indicated it here, on my shirt, just like you guys.
(Andy points to the number on his shirt)
FB 2: â€¦
FB 3: â€¦really? I thought that was like your sitemeter count or something.
Andy: Yeah. These things are so meaningless. Donâ€™t you guys think?
(The bar gets silent and a tumbleweed rolls across the room. A glass drops to the floor and breaks, a woman screams, and somewhere in South Eastern Asia, an infant child is crying. Andy uncomfortably tugs at his collar.)
Andy: I mean. Important. Donâ€™t you think theyâ€™re important? Hahaâ€¦haâ€¦hehâ€¦ahem. Well, I think Iâ€™m just going to be leaving now.
(Andy chugs the remainder of his beer, turns around to leave and on his way out someone tapes a sign to his back that says â€œKick Me, Gawker links me less than once a week.”)
FB 2: I am glad he left. What a trouble-maker. I donâ€™t know anyone who actually jokes about their technorati ratingâ€¦I mean..honestly!
FB 3: I certainly don’t either. That seems ridiculous. You know what else is ridiculous? Anonymous commenters. There haven’t been enough posts about that, OR riding on the subway. I’m gonna go do six more posts about each of those topics. Then, when someone posts about how New York bloggers suck, Iâ€™m totally gonna write a pithy rebuttal in their comments section. BOO YAH!
FB 2: Genius!
FB: That’s why you’ll always be number 1.
Now I’m destined to get a t-shirt that says “Technorati Rating: 246, 459” with a frowny face underneath.
For those of you that have found it in your hearts to link this lowly, un-famous, non-blogger I thank you, and big props to the classy dame at Gawker who occassionally finds me funny5.
1Except when I write about Cingular. I hate you Cingular.
2Look for it later.
3thanks a lot, jerk.
4These are the most famous bloggers I have met. Except for Alice, but I’m not giving her any more love in this post.
5Not sure if you wanted your identity revealed so no link for you! (I’m turning into Alice)