A few months ago I had to throw out my favorite pair of jeans and by that time, well, I hadn’t been wearing them that much anyway. So of course my second favorite pair of jeans got the upgrade to numero uno (that’s Spanish for “Favorite pair of jeans”) but, unfortunately, they too will soon have to be thrown away.

Both these pairs of jeans are the same age – just over a year old. Which I guess is okay, but for someone who is used to wearing clothes for 4-5 years, it stinks. I wouldn’t be stressing about it so much, but now ANOTHER pair of jeans is going to have to be retired soon too – and these are like less than 6 months.

I’m sure at this point you’ve moved on to another, funnier, more interesting blog. But, in the rare chance you haven’t, I’m rewarding you with the reason why I keep having to retire my denim. It’s kind of a sensitive area for me, well, it’s a sensitive area for any male really, and in this sensitive area is where my jeans tend to develop holes. They start off pretty small but they grow quickly into sizeable vents.

Now it isn’t like I go commando (well, not everyday anyway), so I can usually continue to wear the jeans until the holes really become a problem. What really gets me is that I have to buy more jeans. I hate shopping. I don’t know what looks cool and usually I just end up frustrated and empty-handed. I would just buy the same ones as my cool jeans, but they don’t have them in the discount stores anymore, and there’s no way I’m going to pay the $225 that Bloomingdale’s wants for them.

If anyone happens to know a brand of jeans which doesn’t spontaneously create it’s own ball vents, I’d be happy to hear of it. Or if you happen to know where I can get a pair of Earnest Sewn’s for around $70.

An interesting thing happened to me the other day. Well, not really interesting. In fact this whole post blog is uninteresting. Nevertheless, something happened to me the other day. Man, I really need to work on my grammar. It didn’t happen to me, it happened to my iPod. And when I say “it” happened, I mean “I” happened. Alright, so then: I happened to my iPod the other day.

If you’re wondering what that means, well, take a gander up at the web address you’re currently at. I’m called King of Spills, not because I fall down a lot, but because I am constantly knocking things over or dropping things. My iPod is no exception. The other day I dropped it 3 times.

The first time I dropped it was immediately upon coming into my office. Plop, right on the floor. It continued to work and I thought nothing of it. Then, on the subway on the way home, the cord from my headphones got caught on part of my bag and me tugging it was enough to pull the iPod free of the pocket on the side of my bag, and cause it to plummet to the ground. Again, I picked up the iPod and plugged my headphones right back in as it didn’t affect it’s performance in the slightest. Finally, on my way out of the subway, I dropped it on the concrete. Well that did it.

My computer can still see the iPod, but the display and buttons don’t work, and it emits a smell like its insides are burning. I took it apart and fiddled around by my poor-at-best iPod repair skills didn’t really help me out at all.

This is all a really long story to say that I am now back to using my standby from over 3 years ago (yes, my iPod is really old): My minidisc player. It’s not even a newer minidisc player that’s smaller and can read those extra-long play minidiscs you can stick mp3’s on. I have to record stuff to it in real-time – meaning I have to plan which album I’m going to listen to the night before I want to listen to it.

(The MZ-R50)

I really thought I would hate not having 10GB (told you it was old) of my music with me all the time. That I wouldn’t be able to skip around depending on my mood or preference for that point in time. But, I did what I had to. Naturally, since I have a strong man-love for John Mayer, I recorded his latest onto a minidisc and have been listening to exclusively it ever-since.

I forgot what it’s like to be dedicated to listening to an album. The iPod spoils people. There are definitely tracks on Continuum I know I would’ve skipped, but if I skip a song it’s a good chunk of my listening time and I won’t have music during my whole commute now.

It’s nice to focus on an album again. It really gives an appreciation for all the hard work the artist puts into it(or an understanding that maybe they didn’t put a lot of hard work into it – that they depend on a single to carry it off the shelves). The congruency of the sound is great too. To be trapped in such a small section of a given genre is actually quite liberating. It’s almost like you’re getting to know the artist better with each listen.

The other upside of the MiniDisc is the sound quality. Now, it’s true, you can’t really tell when you’re listening to strictly mp3’s all the time that they don’t sound that great. But I’m using the same crap headphones I use with my iPod, and the difference was immediately recognizeable. I get to hear so much more – different sounds, backing vocals, stuff that otherwise kind of gets lost in the mix or isn’t as clean.

Since I can’t afford a new iPod until Christmastime, it looks like I’ll be mini-discing a lot lately. So my question to you, my faithful readers¹ is – what are some good albums to check out? Don’t just list random crap, try and follow these guidelines when suggesting things:

1) Jazz is always good – I particularly like piano and guitar (Bill Evans, Pat Metheney, Kurt Rosenwinkel, Brad Mehldau)
2) I do like rock/pop/indie but it should be very melodic with high-skilled players. If you say Arctic Monkeys, I’ll kill you. I hate those guys that talk-sing (also I dislike the Strokes, and all the Strokes knock-offs that have become so popular).
3) I like sell out punk like Blink 182 and Fallout Boy (I dunno, maybe that’s sell-out Emo).
4) I’m starting to get into older country like Johnny Cash.
5) I love the White Stripes.

Alright suggest away.

¹Reader

Last night I went and got some lobster. Then, upon returning from dinner, noticed that I had “lobster hands.” You know, where all the lobster-water spills on your hands and stinks them up? Why, what did you think I meant?

I’m not a huge “music reviewer” but since my current favorite artist just had an album come out, I figured I’d give it a completely biased (well, not completely) review, track by track. Here we go.

1. Waiting on the World to Change – For some reason everytime a new single of John’s comes out, it is inevitably going to be the worst track on the album. If you only know JM’s stuff through his singles, you have some serious listening to get to. I’m not nuts about this song. Sonically its great, but the subject of the lyrics, eh, whatever. I like the use of bells, rhodes, and hammond on the track but I just happen to be partial to that kind of sound.

2. I Don’t Trust Myself – This tune has some great sounds on it. I can’t tell if it’s synths or the instruments just have cool effects on them. At any rate it’s very cool. Lately John’s had a couple tunes that have a more vintage and timeless 70’s feel to them and this is one of them. The best part is they still sound new at the same time. If you’ve ever heard Eric Tagg, this might remind you of him. Roy Hargrove makes his second Mayer album appearance with some horn lines, nothin’ too fancy. This is a great bluesy, laid-back tune. Good for enticing the ladies with.

3. Belief – I like this song a lot. You can really hear the influence the Police/Sting has had on John – I mean its glaring in this track. I’m also vaguely reminded of Seal when I listen to this tune. The chorus is probably my favorite melodic part of the song, though the lyric of it doesn’t blow me away.

4. Gravity – A studio version of the same tune from the Trio album, this song shines. John is a very tasteful guitar player – he always seems to have just enough going on, but never too much. Gravity is a great example of what makes John a fantastic guitarist. Lyrically I love this song too. A good example of how John can express his feelings so that you just “get it.” You listen to this song and say “Yeah, I been there.” It’s not love bringing him down, or anything in particular, it’s some unseen force. I like that concept. I also like the addition of the gospel/blues backers in this tune at around the 3:30 mark. A nice touch.

5. The Heart of Life¹ – One of my favorites on the album and, now, of his period. This is a really great tune. It’s a little George Harrison, a little McCartney, a little Dillon…a really nice mix of a tune. Very rustic. My favorite part of this tune is when it breaks open right around 2:25. It’s a nice release of the tension created up until that point. Great lyric and guitar solo as well. This song is great in its seeming simplicity.

6. Vultures – Another studio version of a Trio track, this is another timeless one of John. It sounds like he went back in time to write this song. I really like the lyrics for this song as well. To me this whole song is a never-quit attitude in the face of constant opposition or doubt. Pino’s bassline is great and provides a nice even-keeled drive.

7. Stop This Train¹ – The guitar reminds me of “Mother Nature’s Son” on this track. He uses a technique here on the guitar where he finger picks and hits the low string with this thumb at the same time providing a really great sound. I love the lyrics to this tune. I also like the piano interlude giving the tune a sort of Nick Drake feel. Again John’s mastery of tension and release is apparent towards the end of the tune at 3:34. Fantastic. It’s hard to find songwriting like that anywhere right now. I’d also like to note how good his falsetto sounds on this track.

8. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – Another one with an older, kind of timeless feel to it. Maybe it’s the blues of these tunes creeping out that makes me keep thinking that, I’m not sure but I like it. What I really like about Mayer’s tunes is the music suits the feeling so well. This song has its own slow burn about it. It sounds cliche but if you’re listening to the track it makes sense.

9. Bold As Love – A Hendrix cover. I think it’s done very well and by the only guitar player in the spotlight right now who’s actually good enough to pull it off. Even his sound is a close match of Jimi’s.

10. Dreaming with a Broken Heart – I’m not crazy about the piano at the beginning of this track. It doesn’t seem to be the right instrument until the chords start – the arpeggios might’ve been better suited to another sound. However, I love the chordal motion by the piano when it takes over. Not one of my favorites on the album, but in the past I’ve thought the same thing about certain tracks and then after listening to it a bunch I start to find more to like about it.

11. In Repair – “Too many hours in this midnight.” Awesome. I like this track a lot. It’s one of those where you hear the beginning and go “eh” and then it keeps getting better and better as the seconds tick on. I think this song is stronger lyrically than musically overall, but it’s a very nice tune. Kind of a tidying up of all the questioning of himself he was doing on Heavier Things.

12. I’m Gonna Find Another You – I feel like this song was written by and for Nora Jones. A really great song and the horn lines are classy. Classy like an oyster bar in New Orleans if that makes any sense. Another blues track worth its salt though it weighs in at under 3 minutes.

Overall a great new effort by John and once again he’s redefined himself. Overall these tunes are pretty radio unfriendly so you might have to saunter to the record store to grab this one to really hear all the good stuff on it.

¹My two favorite tracks on the album, at least so far.

Nothing is more fun than lying to people, especially when intoxicated. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fairly truthful guy and it’s not like I’m trying to lie to people to get them to sleep with me or owe me stuff or anything iniquitous. But since the weekend is coming up I figured I’d pass off one of my favorite passtimes for you all to try out this weekend – if you don’t already do it.

It works best if you go out with a couple really good friends who you know will automatically back up whatever you say and hopefully add to it. The idea is to keep the lie going, keep it believable, and try to make your partners in crime¹ break-up with laughter so that the lie is given away by the person who laughs. It seems a little ridiculous to lie merely for the pleasure of making someone else be responsible of “getting caught” but it really is a fun game. Here’s one my two roommates in Miami did one night – I can’t remember all of it word for word but this will give you the idea.

(Brewer is talking to two girls. Jables and Andy are nearby…)

Brewer: Yeah, I live with those two guys over there, we went to high school together. We all even played defense on the high school football team.

(Andy and Jables make their way over)

Andy: Dude, you telling out football stories? This guy (indicated Brewer) was nuts. We called him PF-15.

Girl 1: Why did you call him that?

Jables: Because he was constantly late-hitting people and getting personal fouls.

Andy: It was a little ridiculous, I mean these guys would clearly be out of bounds or on the ground and POW! Out of nowhere!

Girl 2: Oh geez, Brewer you don’t seem like that kind of guy-

Brewer: I know. It’s just that Strong Safety mentality. When I was out on the field I couldn’t control myself – I usually never even heard the whistle blowing the play dead.

Andy: Yeah. I remember you got thrown out of so many games – remember when you broke that guy’s collar bone?

Girl 1: Oh no!

Jables: It was unbelieveable. Stretcher and everything – Brewer was not exactly a fan favorite for the opposing team. Nor a pinnacle of sportsmanship.

Andy: Not that Jables is one to talk. Although you never really flagrant fouled, you just kind of played the dirtiest line-backer position of all time.

Girl 2: What do you mean?

Brewer: You know, face-masking, just random little dirty stuff while no one was watching. Didn’t you poke that guy in the eye once?

Jables: Dude, you should’ve heard what he called my mom. I don’t stand for that shit.

Girl 1: (to Andy) What did you do?

Andy: I was just fast as hell. I ran the forty in 3.8 seconds until I broke my ankle Jr. year. Then I was down 4.8. It sucked.

Girl 2: Isn’t that incredibly fast?

Andy: Yeah, fastest ever actually. A lot of people dogged me and said I cheated but I could catch anyone. Until the ankle injury of course. I was just never the same.

I’m gonna end it there but this was basically what we did at every party. Sometimes we’d even be in completely opposite places (like if someone lived in a house, we would be corroborating stories in the front yard that came from the back yard, etc). It would continue as long as we could keep straight faces.

Anyway, go out there and have a fun weekend. I’ll be the guy who’s the center of attnetion, talking about his days spent post-college in a Spanish Mission working as a mule for the local drug cartel.

¹NOT Partners in Kryme, the singing duo responsible for “T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!”

You know things are serious when your best friend dies. And it’s not that my best friend died, I’m just saying that’s when you know things are serious. Your good buddy kicks off to see that big busty blonde in the sky and you just look around and say to yourself “It’s real. Yes, it’s real.”

It is going to happen to kids on playgrounds everywhere. The guy they used to pick last in kickball will no longer be around. The person they used to push on the swing will have done their last superman only days earlier. Billy’s first school crush won’t have her ponytail available for yanking, nor will he be able to sneak a peek at her underwear. And maybe at lunch time no one will be at the “cool table.”

A new epidemic has arisen in the United States and while most trundle about their everyday lives blindly to it, I would like to make my large¹ reading audience aware of its pandemic overtaking of schoolrooms everywhere. What am I talking about? You ask. Is he just making up stupid crap again? You suppose. I’m afraid it’s all too real. “It” is called “Chuffing.”

(Here we see an old photo of a middle-aged Chuffer)

Invented by the Dutch in 976 AD as a way to oust witchery from small towns, Chuffing is the act of huffing up chalk dust that has been dispelled by either grinding chalk up in a large complicated mill, or, more currently, banging erasers together. It was thought that chuffing was largely forgotten about once the majority of Dutch Witches had been chased into chasms or consumed by villager-lit forest fires at the ends of complicated traps into which they had been enticed by chuff-dust, but apparently its back.

(Here we see a demonstration of extracting a “Chuffing Cloud” from everyday blackboard erasers)

Parents in rural towns in the Midwest have been affected most so far and their cries of outrage are finally starting to be recognized by local media. They’ve had to start spanking again and they are NOT happy about it. Says Florence Mills of South Dakota about her son, Teddy:

“My son goes to West Central and yesterday when he came home he had a funny white powder all over his nose. When I asked him what it was he just ran to his room. I went through his bag and found two erasers he had stolen from school and noticed he had written in sharpie on his backpack – ‘Don’t Sotp Chuffin.'”

More stories are cropping up everyday about kids just like Teddy Mills. The kids get hooked when they’re asked to stay after school to bang the erasers out and inevitably end up inhaling vast amounts of chalk dust. Here’s what happens.

A child bangs two erasers together to disspell chalk particles into the air. Said child then steps into the cloud and inahles. The bits of chalk enter the nervous system through the lungs and the child is sent into a state of euphoria, not unlike the one achieved by hitting a homer in whiffle ball or calling their “crush” and then hanging up the phone immediately.

(Valerie Little in mid-chuff)

Valerie Little (pictured above) was kind enough to sit down and talk a little about Chuffing. Her story:

“It all started a few months ago. It was my last period of the day and I had just finished up drawing pretty stars on my social studies bookcover that I made myself out of a brown paper bag. Anyway, I was asked to stay behind and help clean out the erasers. This took about 15 minutes and I realized as I was leaving the class room I was high as a kite. I immediately told all my friends ‘our days of sniffing glue and getting high off of empty hair-spray cans is over!’ I started a local chuff-club and now it’s practically all we do.”

Sadly the mortality rate of a Chuffer versus that of a normal child is stratospheric. When will it end? Do your part and join your local PTA’s efforts to stop Chuffing. I urge you, before its too late.

¹Small