Andy

This post is for all the tourists that like to come to New York. First off I’d like to state that yes, you are a tourist even if:

a) You live in New Jersey “close to the city*”
b) You live on Long Island
c) You come here all the time
d) You think you’re not.
e) Queenies and Brooklynites you get a break on this one – but damnit, I’m watching you.

Alright, let’s get started.

1. You are slow. Even if you think you’re not, trust me you are. People who live in Manhattan walk at warp speed unless they are crippled. Even then they’re probably faster than you.

2. Do NOT hold hands. It doesn’t work. You’re going to have to keep linking and unlinking and that’s just annoying for everyone. If you’d like to show affection for the person you’re walking with, wear a shirt that says “See that slow person behind me? I love him/her.”

3. Do NOT just stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This is akin to slamming on your brakes in the middle of a highway. If you need to stop, pull over and make sure you’re out of everyone’s way.

4. When crossing the street, if the hand is flashing – GO! If the hand has just stopped flashing, you have 5 seconds, GO! If the white man is there, GO! The only reason you shouldn’t cross the street, is if a car is coming – or if you’re dead.

5. Yes, I know the store fronts are pretty, but if you see something you like in a window, just go the hell in the store. Don’t stop to stare in the middle of the sidewalk and tell your baby daddy how nice it is.

6. When you inevitably don’t follow one of these rules, don’t get mad if you get pushed aside, sworn at, or run into. You don’t have the right.

7. Avoid coming to the city if you’re fat – you’re just gonna have to walk a lot anyway. And let’s face it, you didn’t get fat by having a strong love of walking or getting places quickly.

8. If you need help getting somewhere, sure ask – but if you say “excuse me, sir” or something of that nature, we’re going to think you’re a bum or pan-handler. Just say “Where is X?” This is especially true if we are walking by you – your best bet is to ask someone standing still.

9. People standing still do not live in New York.

10. Your child’s welfare does not concern me so keep your kid in the stroller or carry it… and if your tiny dog’s leash gets wrapped around my ankles, I will punt it into traffic.**

*Okay, okay, if you work here you’re probably in the clear…then again, you probably don’t come to the city when you don’t have to anyway.

**I just really hate tiny dogs – even if you’ve lived here your whole life, keep it away from me. No it doesn’t look cute. No it doesn’t need boots. And yes, you need to train the damn thing to walk properly. Even Franklin can walk properly.

I mean, this MUST be some sort of cruel, cruel joke that some asshole from my past is playing on me. I have friends who will testify to the fact that I said this would happen. I AM SO FURIOUS! I HATE YOU CINGULAR!

At the moment, Franklin Talk is the funniest and most creative thing I do…wow that’s sad. But you should still listen to it:

Franklin Talk!

Verizon did it. They have completely and utterly redeemed themselves in my eyes. I had Verizon a while ago, and like the girl that sleeps with you on the first date, I lost total respect for them (after they slept with me on the first date). But yesterday, despite their whoredom, they’ve gone and not only equaled Cingular, but they have surpassed them. Game, set, and match.

Yesterday Verizon released a version of the Samsung P850 (available on Verizon as the…well what the fuck do I care, I can’t get it). Officially becoming the first wireless carrier in the US to carry a 3.2 mega-pixel camera-phone. On a side note, earlier this week they also ammended their contracts to state Verizon customers could upgrade phones at the new-customer price after 1 year (something Cingular has done for a while). If you’re on Verizon and haven’t had a new phone in a while, I recommend shelling out the $350 this bad boy will cost you. It is totally sweet.

Incidentally after I found this out yesterday, I decided to do some nosing to see if I could find out what Cingular’s plans are for their latest in greatest, you know, to see if they had anything in the works. Well I found out, but apparently I had predicted correctly; Cingular is releasing YET ANOTHER FUCKING RAZR. This one has iTunes and a 1.2 Mega-pixel camera. Whoop-dee-fucking-do. Thanks Cingular, but if I bought that phone I think the technology would actually be older than on my Nokia from 2004. Here’s a thought – STOP SUCKING!

My new prediction? The phone Cingular releases next is going to be a RAZR that has iTunes, a 1.2 MP camera, and some retarded, useless, celebrity backing – Bono I’m looking your way. Folks, be on the lookout for the newest RAZR featuring U2. It’ll cost an extra $50, but it will come with a bunch of shitty U2 songs on which Bono whines about poverty. The wall paper will be the Irish singer standing in front of his private jet in back of his giant mansion, holding an Ethiopian baby.

Everyday of my life there is an annoyance with which I am getting greatly frustrated. Infuriated with even. I hate looking at them. I hate having them. I wish I could just throw them in the gutter. But I can’t get rid of them. No matter how hard I try or how long I think, there is simply not a way beyond this huge impasse of my life….crabs. Just kidding.

The obstacle of which I speak is my ring of keys. I hate carrying keys with me. Two keys for my apartment, one for the office, one for the mailbox. I use to have a house key on there for my parent’s house in Pennsylvania but I lost it one night.

If I had a car it might just send me surfing to the shores of insanity on a wave of madness all the while being ridiculed by lobsters and other sea-faring shellfish.

My plight, however, must be shared with at least a few other people as yesterday when returning from lunch I passed a locksmith who’s storefront sign brandished the two most poetic words I’ve ever read in my life: “Keyless Entry.”

Andy: Oh glorious day! Keyless Entry, I love you!
Locksmith: Yes! It is magical. But of course like every magic, this keyless entry holds a terrible curse!
Andy: Egads! Praytell shopkeep, what be this curse?
(The day darkens as the sun cowars behind a cloud. Shadows shroud the Locksmith’s face and in his eye there’s a devilish gleam)
Locksmith: All who install keyless entry systems in their houses must pay me a fee of $45 to install plus $100 for the system!!
(The sun quickly comes out and looks confusedly down at the Locksmith)
Andy: …um…That’s not…I mean is that really a curse? It seems to me like its just what you pay to get keyless entry installed.
Locksmith: ….I guess you’re right. You’re the only person who never ran away screaming after I mentioned a curse though.
Andy: Oh really? I mean it was a little weird but not that scary.
Locksmith: …well I mean people don’t really run away screaming after I mention the curse.
Andy: But you just sai–
Locksmith: I know what I said!
Andy: …um…
Locksmith: …Are you going to get keyless entry or not?
Andy: No, I’m too afraid of the curse.

(Andy runs away, screaming)

All in all it was a pretty bizzarre encounter, but in the streets of New York you can’t really expect anything to be normal. But until I can summon up the courage, my keys will forever jab my leg as I stroll about the city in search of a non-key solution. Maybe I’ll just become homeless. Then the only key I’ll have is the key to my heart. Which I will give to my smelly, crazy, reckless, and equally homeless bride. We’ll get married in puddles of our own filth and band our fingers – a soda bottle ring for her, a twist-tie for me. It’ll be grand.

A while back my cell phone broke. Well, it didn’t exactly break, so much as I placed it on the heater in my room and a very strong and quite visible charge of static electricity incapacitated 4 buttons. Three of them are the buttons on the outside edge of the phone (it’s a flip), the fourth? The call button. Oooh, so close to still being functional!

For a while I would have to assign people to a speed dial number – which was okay, until I realized only numbers 2 through 9 were assignable. You couldn’t, say, dial a 1 and then hold down the 9 for 19. That got real old real fast as, when you assigned someone to a speed dial number already taken, it erased the entry it was replacing.

Then I was lucky enough to go home one weekend and get my old school Nokia 6800. Fold-out QWERTY keyboard, no camera, and half again as thick as my iPod this phone just screams out “2002 technological achievement!” But luckily due to its age I was easily able to unlock it and pop in my Cingular SIM card and voi la, fully functioning phone (with a big crack down the middle of the screen anyway).

I have been waiting patiently to get a new phone from Cingular. The time has come and gone (March) in my contract when I could easily pick any of their phones and get the super cheap rate. Unfortunately, Cingular continues to disappoint me with phone choices.

Begin Rant.

The RAZR is the stupidest phone I have ever seen in my life. Ever. Yeah it was cool when it first came out, but I’m sick of it. If you have a RAZR and you didn’t get it when it first came out, I’m sorry, I have no respect for you. If you have a RAZR and it’s black, you’d really better fucking love AC/DC and getting your ass kicked. If you have a RAZR and it’s pink, watch out, because I’m going to push you in front of the F (or the B or D depending on how quickly I feel like getting home).

The bottom line people, is that they are all the same phone, with the same technology from over a year ago and if you haven’t been keeping tabs, technology from over a year ago is referred to as “artifact” when it comes to cell phones.

So everyday, and I mean literally everyday, I check Cingular for new phones. I would like to fill you all in on some of the new phones that are out there available for purchase without a plan. Samsung, Nokia, and Sony-Ericsson all have a phone that has a 3.2 Megapixel camera. They are no larger than other phones of those typical makes and models. The Sony-Ericsson one even has built-in software that will immediately upload your pictures to a blog. How cool is that?

What is the newest phone that Cingular has come out with? A blue RAZR.

Okay, I fucking get it. By 2007 you will be able to get a RAZR in every color in the Crayola 64 pack.

But you know what I really don’t get? What I really don’t get is why they’re coming out with a gold RAZR. Yeah that’s right. Gold. A special edition, Dolce&Gabana Gold Razr (and I swear to God if you just said “ooh! Cool!” I am murdering you in your sleep, as early as tonight…though I am busy most of the night pushing Jappy girls in front of the F train*).

Perhaps the most ridiculous part of all of this, is that every new color is priced like the original RAZR! That’s right, for only $200 (that’s WITH a 2 year plan) you can have your very own, stupid-ass D&G Gold RAZR. WHO is still buying these things?!

So Cingular, I’m not sure exactly who is picking all the “new” phones over there, but whoever it is needs to be fired, penniless, hairless, and…childless by the end of the day.

The only thing good about the RAZR is that my rage against it is keeping me in check so that I don’t just buy one of their shitty other sub-par phones…unfortunately I’m worried that even that won’t hold me back, and I’ll soon be making a pricey purchase on Tiger Direct for the Samsung P850, Nokia N90, or Sony Ericsson K790a (yeah, I know all the model numbers by heart).

In closing I would like all of you to wish me luck. The men out there will understand that the combination of my old phone, the release of these totally awesome new phones, my rage at the RAZR, and my recent near-elimination of credit-card debt, is making it VERY hard for me to not just plop down $500 so I can look at RAZR owners, laugh at them, and then pee in their open mouths as they gape at my kick-ass cell phone.

*I know, I know, Jappy girls live in Murray Hill and would therefore be taking the 4,5,6 – but it doesn’t tie in as nicely that way.